Monday, December 29, 2014


I'm having a hard time making myself speak!

It's been annoying me the last 2 weeks. I have to convince myself to open my mouth more often than I like. I'm starting to think there really isn't anything wrong with greeting someone and proceeding to stare at them as they talk eternally.

I know that's socially unacceptable. I know I have to speak to have a conversation. But I can't gather my thoughts. But sometimes my mouth doesn't cooperate. But it's painful to connect my thoughts, speak up, speak clearly, and talk.

Does what I have to say even matter that much?

90% of the time someone else says what I was going to say the same way or better. Does the 10% matter?

I've never really wanted to talk. Sharing my thoughts seems like a burden. But it's never been this difficult before. Before I would talk if needed. I would talk endlessly if that’s what the situation called for. Now I can’t find the power to overcome my fear of speaking. Who has this problem at 19? Is it crazy that I want to become a mute?

It scares me.

I wrote this poem a couple years ago.


Sometimes I feel like a boombox
I don't think of what to say
But play what people want to hear

I feel like a broken boombox
That won’t turn off
Can't be turned down

Boomboxes don't speak
They don’t have a voice
They don't have a choice

Someone has played me
And So I make noise
I am a broken boombox

- CoJa Brown

Previously it was about being the talkative and loud one even though I didn't want to. When I read it now, it grates on my psyche that I ever was that way. Every time I force myself to speak, I feel like I'm getting louder and more obnoxious. But in reality, I'm probably getting quieter and disappearing. It makes me sad. Really sad and scared!

Friday, December 19, 2014

I fall in love regularly

Question of the day: What would you do if you had 24 hours to live?

This question came up at a family dinner recently. My answer was that everyone I knew should come find me so I could tell them what I thought of them. This is ridiculous because it would be impossible. But I do wish I told people what I thought of them. I wish I walked about sharing my opinion more freely.

I have thoughts about everyone I see. As I mentioned in "Falling out of love," I care about everyone I come across. I find one thing I like about them and form a bond. And then they continue on their merry way without ever knowing my thoughts. If sadly, I only had 24 hours to live, I would shout my affections at the top of my lungs. En route to my family and friends, I would talk to every stranger.

I remember everyone:
I think about the guy on the bus who shared an awkward smile with me.
I think about my local cashier who recognizes me and sincerely asks how I'm doing.
I think about the girl I haven't seen in 5 years, who made school tolerable and lunch fun.
I think of the mom and toddler I kept bumping into at the grocery store.

Which brings me to this poem

I fall in love regularly,
with each person whom
passes me in the streets,
or who sits beside me on the bus.
Not in the romantic way;
No, we hardly even speak
a word to each other.
But I sit, quietly observing
all of their body language and all of
their expressions.
Their smiles, and gestures;
the way they lift their coffee,
or smile as they read
that new text message,
or count the change in their hands.
I watch vigilantly, tracking
the manners and movements,
and appreciating all that
these people are.
I spend some time thinking about
their families and lives,
and the lives that they lead.
I consider what they might do
for work, and what they
went to school for.
When they woke up that morning, and
how they did their hair.
I study the details of these people,
that may otherwise go unnoticed.
Researching each of them,
noticing our similarities, and
rejoicing in
the beauty of human nature

-Author unknown

I don't forget how I feel about people. If I haven't talked to you in a while don't think I don’t care. But know that I think of you often. I'm always rooting for you.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

I slept all day yesterday. It was beautiful. I didn’t have to get down from my bed once. But I did make myself get up at 5:30 pm to take care of some things. And so that I would be able to sleep at night.

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

The only problem with giving into my reclusive tendencies is it makes it so much harder to be in public. I quickly become accustomed to being the only one around.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

I went for a walk and to the mall. It was fun to people watch. But it was even more enjoyable to be alone. I was alone with my thoughts. No one was affected by me. But I am the person who walks down the street mouthing lyrics to herself so that might not be true.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I'll wake up on days I don't want to. I'll do things I don't want to do. I'll improve. And one day I'll show a different side of me. A side that's well.

P.S. I published Chapter 1 of my NaNoWriMo on wattpad. At I'm proud of myself.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Spirant Iustum

I've been waiting to post. I wanted my next post to be cheerful. I wanted it to be brighter than the last. But I don’t want to put on a front. I don't want to lie.

I was finally starting to feel better. I could sense the surface. Then suddenly I was forced back down by throw-away lines.

I know logically that I'm tired and sensitive. I know I just need to go to sleep. But emotionally, I wish people knew what their words meant. I wish I could show people the girl frozen, crying in her room.

I'll sleep and forget. Forget the pain I put myself through.

Short poem - Phoenix

Every day I smile
Because despite attempts
To push me down
I defiantly resume
And rise anew

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Bad Day, Not Life

It was one of those "watch tv, eat once, and drink hot chocolate" kind of days.

Seriously though, why does it seem like everyone always harps on the same thing? I don't have a license. I don't go to school. I don't have a real job. But I do know all this. It's not helpful when people tell me the reasons to do them. It just rubs in the fact that I've failed to grow up.

So I came home today and vegged. I could have used the day to do things. I could have taken care of important business. However, I felt so bad that I simply rewarded myself for staying awake. I don't know how I'm ever going to grow if some off handed comments and actions can lead to such a crash.

Where did my motivation go? I will get it back.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Always Improve

NaNoWriMo is over!!!!!

I wrote 49,491 words this month. Well around 5,000 were old words. But still, I wrote a novel.

Sadly, I did not win as I did not make 50,000. But I tried. I got close. And my story was told.

I've grown so much in the last month. Challenged myself to NaNoWriMo and blogging. I hosted a party. I worked. Very little but still. I finished applying to college. I've done things that terrified me weeks ago. I will continure to face new things and become the person I want to be.

Sunday, November 30, 2014


I see an old picture of me
And I think oh, what a beauty
There's something I don’t understand
Something that's a mystery

I can remember the day
I remember the feelings I put at bay
What I truly thought
And what I hoped no one would say

How is it that what I see
In the mirror is an ugly little me
But then in the future
I agree, what a beauty I can be

45,435 words! I wrote 3,000 today. Which is great. But I have 4,565 left. 1 day < 4,565 words. I will prove that wrong.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Write Away, Not Right Way

I feel like the resolution and end of my book is on the tip of my mind. But I can't seem to want to write it. I think part of me hopes that if I don’t finish it, NaNoWriMo won't be over. I've loved this challenge and don't want to go back to writing alone.

Maybe I'll write a little every day and do weekly progress reports. That way I won't be alone.

42,426 words. 7,574 to go. Let's do it!

Day 27

I have a list with 4 topics for today. Four things to write about. But I don’t want to flesh any of them out. So they'll be added to my other list of topics to save. None of which will ever see the light of day. Or better yet of a computer screen.

I'm sorry you had to read that. I'm in the mood where I think everything I say is hilarious. Basically, I'm tired again. I'm surprised I made it through the day. Though, I did wake up from my nap thinking it was Sunday. I panicked and then went back to sleep. Good times.

40,631 words! I have 3 days to write at least 9,369 words. I'm starting to worry about not finishing NaNoWriMo.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Falling out of love

Falling out of love is such a funny phase to me. There's no gravity. But there is a detachment. There is usually a crash waiting.

That's why I'm so happy to know anagapesis is a word. Some definition have loss in the title. The definition I chose is much more factual. There is a simple lack of feeling.

I don't know if I'll ever use this word because I have affection for anyone I make eye contact with. And I'll never loss affection. However, it’s nice to think that it is possible to stop loving someone simply.

39,270 words! Still pretty far behind. I need almost 11,000 words in 4 days. I don't know if my storey needs more or less than that. But as always, I am determined to make 50,000.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Activity and Creative Lag

I don't have anything to say.

I'm busy this week. I'm tired and I haven't been writing a lot.

37,462 words! I didn’t even make 200. Is it strange that I'm still optimistic about finishing on time?

Monday, November 24, 2014

Little Me by Little Mix

I loved the power in Little Mix's first song, "Wings". But this is the song that made me a fan.

◆ She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl
Voice so quiet you don't hear a word,
Always talking but she can't be heard,

You can see there if you catch her eye,
I know she's brave but it's trapped inside,
Scared to talk but she don't know why,

Wish I knew back then
What I know now.
Wish I could somehow
Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see,

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be,
Little me

Yeah, you got a lot of time to act your age,
You can't write a book from a single page,
Hands on the clock only turn one way,

Run too fast and you'll risk it all,
Can't be afraid to take a fall,
Felt so big but she looks so small,

Wish I knew back then
What I know now.
Wish I could somehow
Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see.
(Know that right here, right now)

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,
And know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful,
Anything you wanna be, oh,
Little me ◆

I have so many things I would tell a younger me. The number one is to have more confidence. But that wouldn't do anything so instead I sing this anthemic song for future me:
Tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,
Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,
Everything she doesn't see. 

37,288 words. Behind again but I'll will continue.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Different paths, Equal importance

I'm not sure if this makes sense. But it's late and I'm not feeling well.

I love the fact in the picture. It's easy to look at someone and judge them. It’s even easy to guess what circumstances affects them the most. But sometimes we're wrong. Sometimes what we think is the most life-changing is just our opinion. Because we all have a story, we should never dismiss someone's story as unimportant or not big enough.

36,293 words! I wrote another big scene today. I'm so happy to see this novel progress.

P.S. I'll probably rewrite this post one day. Hopefully, it will make more sense then.

Grow and Blossom

I hosted a party. This introvert hosted a party! And I was sans family members until halfway through.

It was great. I had fun. I didn’t talk or share as much as I would have liked. But some really cool people got to meet. And I got to know everyone better.

One day, I'll be more social. I'm not ashamed of how shy I am. I just acknowledge a little more confidence would be better.

34,883 words! I only wrote around 400 words today but I was busy. This week, I'll finish strong.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

More than Just a Word

Fatherless boys
And motherless girls
They all unite
Living the tale

Don’t know what it means
Or remember too well
Being a member
Forming a family

People pity them
Sigh when they hear
What their history is
What their life has been

Fatherless boys
And motherless girls
To them I relate
And with them as well

I hate the word orphan

34,412 words! Wow. I never thought I'd say I wrote that much in one month. This is amazing. 3 weeks down, 9 days to go!!!

Friday, November 21, 2014

Late hours

It is 1 o'clock. I have to be awake at 5:15. I'm going to regret my decision to stay up.

That said, I wrote a turning point scene today. I built it up so much in my head, I was a little afraid of it. But I got it written digitally and I can edit it later. NaNoWriMo is about getting your ideas down, not about them being perfect.

I wish I could stay up and keep riding my train of thought. But the fact that I just wrote that sentence proves how much I need to go to bed. I don't even know if it was supposed to be witty or if it's just something I said.

I love writing in the dead of night with rain, music, and tea. Good thing, my family members haven't woken up.

31,575 words! Now the projected end date is December 4th. We'll see what I can do about that.

P.S. This post is probably all over the place. But it makes sense to me now so I'll leave it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Word Wednesday

I feel like I keep shopping lately. I'm so happy after I buy something. I've been calling it retail therapy but there's an actual word for it.

30,036 words! I hit yesterday's mark today. I'm not sure if I'll finish on time. But I will finish my story.

Highly Sensitive Person

I don't enjoying being with more than a handful of people. I'm too aware of what everyone in the room is feeling. Or what I think they're feeling. I'm aware of every reaction. I'm aware of thoughts that lead to conversations. And what's worse, is I'm aware of where people get confused.

Being in a room full of people is a burden when you're hypersensitive to everyone. I want everyone to be happy with each other. I want everyone to be satisfied with the situation. I get overly involved in people's lives while they're with me.

I missed a lot of school as a child. I only recently realized it's because I internalized things at school and home until I was physically ill. That realization gave me so much comfort because I had always felt like a brat or a hypochondriac. It freed me but it's also burdensome.

One of my missions in taking care of myself is putting some emotional distance between me and people. What they say or do; how they feel shouldn’t push me physically and end my day. I need to be able to carry on. I just have to be careful not to distant myself too much.

29,061 words!

P.S. Tonight I kept misspelling they're, their, and there. I need to go to sleep.

Monday, November 17, 2014

I Just Wanna Run by The Downtown Fiction

This is one of my favorite songs lately. I feel alone often and it's reassuring to know someone understands well enough to write it.

I just wanna run, hide it away
Run because they're chasing me down
I just wanna run, throw it away
Run before they're finding me out
I just wanna run I just wanna run

I'm out here all alone
I try to call your house
Can't reach you on the phone
I'll gather up the nerve
I'm packing up my bag
It's more than you deserve
Don't treat me like a drag 

I'm feelin' like I keep on talking
I'm repeating myself,
My words lost all meaning
I keep talkin
I repeat myself

I just wanna run, hide it away
Run because they're chasing me down
I just wanna run, throw it away
Run before they're finding me out
I just wanna run (oh, oh, oh)
I just wanna run (oh, oh, oh)

Like a game of chess
I predict your move
I think I know you better
Better than you do
I'm sick of feeling cheap
Cheated and abused
Sick of losing sleep
Thinking about you

P.S. 27,706 words. I'm behind again. But I'll catch up.

Sunday, November 16, 2014


I need to work on doing the right amount of life needs. I don't sleep as much as I need to. I eat once/twice a day. I'm all in or distant. 

26,100 words!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

5:30- 23:15

I'm so tired that I doubt anything I say will make sense.But...

My goal in life is to begin treating myself like someone I cherish. How can you serve people if you aren't whole?

25,074 words. I got my badge!!!


I give great advice. Once I'm able to form my thoughts, my advice is solid.

The problem is I can't take advice. I feel like the person is laying out all the reasons I'm stupid. It's not that they are smart but that I'm not able to think of things. Which is wrong.

But that's not my only problem with advice. I can't even advise myself. I was telling someone something today that fit me perfectly. I don't want to listen, though. I don't want to take the steps necessary for making my life better. I hate the hypocrisy.

24,052 words! I'm going to get a new badge tomorrow for writing 25,000 words.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Put Others First

I believe in putting other people first. If everyone lived thinking of other people the world would be much better.

However, I wonder if there's a point that's too far. If people have to remind you to think of yourself is that really selflessness? Or is it a condition that needs to be addressed?

I don’t know. I just don’t feel comfortable being called selfless when thoughts of myself don't enter my head. Or on the off chance they do, I push them down because they are unimportant.

I need to learn how to care for others while caring about myself. I receive the love and attention I feel I deserve. I may need to raise the bar.

23,022 words! I'm still behind in terms of my own goal but I might have to give that up. This story shouldn't be 60,000 words.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

20,697 words

My problem is the longer I do something, the less I want to do it. Even if it's good for me.

NaNoWriMo has been amazing. And yet, I find myself wanting to skip days. I think, what's one day? Who am I letting down?

Myself. I made a promise to myself that I would write and blog. If I miss a day, I'm disappointing the person I promised. How am I ever supposed to believe in myself if I can't fulfill anything?

I know it may seem like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I don't have a real deadline. I don't have a fanclub waiting to read my story. But this is a reasonable thing to aspire to accomplish. It's a stepping stone. And I'm going to complete my motion. I'm going to get across the water!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014


There’s so much that I do not know
A lot to understand
Is it up? Will it show?
I think I need a hand

I try to fight it all alone
But there’s no back down
It hurts me deep, to the bone
Shaking me around

Once again there are turns
I feel like a shame
And my, oh, my it burns
Living on a rather hot flame

Not everything is what it seems
We may be wronged or wrong
But we all have dreams
Helping us remain strong

Week 2

So tired. But I did it to myself. I need to plan my writing schedule better. I didn’t start writing until 10 tonight.

I finished the awkward scene. Now I'm just frustrated with all my characters. Not really but they need to stop being idiots and communicate better. The only way for that to happen is if I continue to write. I will not give up on NaNoWriMo!

17,083 words. At my current pace, I'll finish December 3rd. That's not acceptable.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Totes Awks

I hate awkward situations. I'm awkward so I create a lot of strange moments. But an awkward situation is awkward no matter who is involved.

The only thing worse than being in an awkward situation is writing one. I was all kinds of panicky while I was writing today. I couldn't focus. I wanted out of the situation.

It's moments like that when I think I'm a real writer. When the scene gets to me so much, I'm not sure if I want to choose flight or fight. But fighting and finishing the scene will lead to a good story. I stopped in the middle today but I'll finish tomorrow.

16,024 words.

P.S. I know some would consider my title a mutilation of the English language. But I embrace modern terms and shortenings because I think it's fun.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Perfect Role?

The majority of the time, I behave according to people's needs or expectations. Even when people have no idea of who I am, I act out the role they want. I'm the cute one. I'm the kind one. I'm the talkative one.

But no one is one thing all the time. I don't need to put on affectations. I need to be real and true to myself. That sincerity will draw the people who don't force me to be anything less than me.

15,383 words! I'm no longer behind on the website. Now I just need to meet my personal goal.

Friday, November 7, 2014


The first week of November is over!

The picture speaks the truth. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this weather. One day, I have to bundle up and the next I'm hot. I have a love - hate relationship with autumn.

Also, a self-deprecating joke. --- But at least, I'm still running.

Word count- 12,767!

Thursday, November 6, 2014


I'm a INFJ. I have social anxiety. I can't communicate my thoughts. I don't understand relationships. I have panic attacks.

I am an INFJ. I love people and I believe that there is good in everyone. I have a range of interests. I enjoy listening to anyone talk. I don't dislike anyone. The closest emotion I get is frustration because I don't understand them. I want to be able to talk to someone 24/7. But I'm an introvert. I need alone time. Should that mean I'm lonely?

I have social anxiety. I feel my self with a select few. I feel like the moment I leave the house I'm putting on a play. I feel nauseous thinking about being with people. People make me smile when on the inside I'm scared. I'm scared of doing the wrong thing. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. I'm scared of being. How am I supposed to handle groups of people when I struggle with two?

I am a puzzle without a picture. I can't speak my thoughts. I don't understand what people mean. Conversations lose me hourly. People always need to explain themselves and then I feel stupid. I'm asked to explain myself and then mocked when I don't know how to. Why should I talk?

I don't understand relationships. People meet and talk to get to know each other. I always listen to learn how. Then when I meet someone, I sit in silence hoping they'll start the conversation. I hear about pairs and groups that I didn't expect. I can't figure out for the life of me what they talk about. If I could, would I be better at it?

I have panic attacks. My chest collapses on itself. My body feels 100 times heavier. But I'm not strong enough. Sometimes I can barely close my eyes. I can't even cry or shout. I tell myself to breathe. Breathing is supposed to be automatic. Why is it so hard?

I'm walking around with multiple oxymorons. My mind is constantly conflicted. I am an INFJ. I love people. But my social anxiety and fear of speaking leads to panic attacks. I have to trade off between comfort and social satisfaction. I don't want to have a bunch of labels. I want to be free to be me.

P.S. 9509 words! Still behind but I'm catching up.

7,319 words

Day 5 of NaNoWriMo complete. I'm a little behind schedule but the story is coming together.

I'll try to post something meaningful tomorrow. I'm so tired that finding the right letters is hard. My spelling is atrocious. I'm tired but content.

Well, I have to be up in 6 hours. Goodnight, world!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014


My appointments went well. I liked the doctors.

I'm still writing. But I haven't done my count since Sunday. Hopefully, I'll have that tomorrow.

I thought it'd be best to end today with a laugh.

"How did the hipster burn his tongue?"

"He drank coffee before it was cool."

Monday, November 3, 2014

White Sea

We were on the ground
Now we’re up so high
Overcame the obstacles
So that we could fly

Can’t take my eyes off what I see
Saw it in a movie once
Never thought it would happen to me
Surrounded by a white sea

Sights of wonder keep appearing
No more need for calming breaths
Cause there’s nothing I am fearing
Being where I am today

Can’t take my eyes off what I see
Saw it in a movie once
Never thought it would happen to me
Surrounded by a white sea

My emotions really are this far
Couldn’t feel this by feet, train, or car
We’re moving away

What I feel I’m happy with
Because of you I am blessed 
Helped me be who I am today

Can’t take my eyes off what I see
Saw it in a movie once
Never thought it would happen to me
Oh yeah surrounded by a white sea
Surrounded by a white sea

You'll be fine

I have two doctors appointments this week. And I'm panicking because they're both new to me. I don't want to meet new people. I feel like I have to pretend to be normal. I have to pretend to be an adult.

I have to fill out paperwork and my brain legitimately freezes. I'm always afraid of filling out the information wrong. Or that my printing isn't clear enough.

I've worked myself into a panic all day, thinking of ways I'll fail to make a good impression. But it doesn't matter what my doctors think of me! It matters what I think of them.

On a side note, my word count is 2511!!! ✊