Friday, October 31, 2014

NaNoWriMo

I'm participating in NaNoWriMo for the first time. I will be writing 2,000 original words a day or editing 2,000 words a day.

In order to remain motivated, I am going to blog every day after I'm done writing. It may or may not be related to my novel writing.

I'll do my best. 화이팅!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Phantom Feeling

Lost deep within my skin
It seems like it should be a sin
If I'm not comfortable being me
What else is left, who can I be

Bubbling forth once again
Is it there or is it me
Can I really have this pain
Why won't it just let me be

Explaining is a heavy chore
People don't understand anyhow
Won't remember it anymore
No idea who I am right now

Bubbling forth once again
Is it there or is it me
Can I really have this pain
Why won't it just let me be

I look around
And shake it out
Everything I am, everything I think
The good, the bad puzzles even me

Come on and forget it all
Don't let it define who you must be
Live life as best you can
Just be who you want to be

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Is this feeling real?

Whenever I'm happy, I always feel strange and anxious. And really annoyed. I'm annoyed at my real self. When I'm happy, it means she left me alone. She left me alone and vulnerable in what I know is a cruel world. Because my unhappy self is my shell.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Crush

I've always wanted my story to be a novel. I wanted a neat, precise story that told one thing. I thought that one thing was you. I thought you were the hero of my story. The truth is novels only have so many chapters. They can't tell an entire life. And frankly, you were a supporting character to be forgotten. You weren't main cast.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Maybe by Sick Puppies

"Being different is cool." "You don't care what anyone thinks, do you?" "You're so brave!" "Why do you do that?" "You love confusing people." "You need to explain yourself!"

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

It feels like everyday someone is complimenting my uniqueness or criticizing it. It's viewed as a quality I've developed and a quality I can lose. But it's not. It's a part of who I am. And why don't people realize that mentioning it hurts? I don't want to be that different. I don't want to be misunderstood. It tears at my heart every time.

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
Maybe I should just give up
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

How do I change? How do I make it so people understand me?

I could go and leave everything behind. I'm fine alone. But I don't want to be alone. I need to try to be more understood. I need to have an easier time being with people. Maybe it's time to change. Even if I'm not sure how to.

P.S. This is not my best edited post. I just needed to say it.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

New Mission

I've never been happy in life
Always just surviving at life
Never thriving in life
Now I'm fighting for life
Crying for life

I'm going to live for me
I gotta let things be
One man or woman
Can't fix everything
Time will fly by

It's my way and pace
To figure out things
Accepting losses and falls
To continue anyway
Try to be happy

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Sense and Sensibility Part 1

Marianne - 16 year old who shouldn't be out. When did she even come out? She needs to be realistic. But it's hard to imagine how she could be realistic when she was at home surrounded by good hearted people. If she's forced to see the real world at some point, that's the period the book covers.

Elinor - How is Elinor so mature and aware? She's barely 19 when the book starts. She was raised in the same environment as Marianne. All I can guess is that she learned about showing too much from stories. and straight up personality differences.

Mrs. Dashwood - To me she's the real negative in the book. Many wouldn't agree with me because she's the good hearted poor widow taking care of three daughters without a hope. However, she never listens to her oldest daughter even though she acknowledges her wisdom. She encourages her carbon copy and never corrects bad behavior, thinking it's the fun of being young. Her youngest is beginning to follow in her wild sister's footsteps. She's, arguably, the catalyst for all that goes wrong in the book.

Margaret - Honestly as Jane Austen's only prominent child, she talks too much. Children were to be seen, not heard in this time period. Instead Margaret is the cause of a major discovery and Elinor's storyline in the second half of the book.

Mr. Ferrars - He loves deeply. I don't love him. I admire their relationship. But, and maybe this is because I'm not a 18th century gentleman, I don't understand sticking to duty when it's going to hurt at least three people, if not more.

Colonel Brandon - I'll admit he creeps me out a little bit. The fact that he is in love with a girl more than half his age because she reminds him of a dead love is not lost on me. That said, I believe that when one love is gone, you are natural drawn to people who have positive similarities. Queue, Someone like You by Adele.

Mr. Willoughby - I can't say much, in case someone is going to read it for the first time with me, but I'm not in the same boat as most.

Mr. & Mrs. Palmer - Love them. I don't want their relationship but they are great comic relief.

Sir John and Lady Middleton - Sir John gets on my nerves but he's good hearted so ... I wish Lady Middleton and her brood of children would disappear. I suppose they must exist because otherwise Sir John would have marry the widowed Mrs. Dashwood because she's beautiful and they're distant enough. And then the Dashwoods wouldn't have money trouble and there'd be no story.

Mrs. Jennings - Like her. Good hearted comedienne. But I will never forgive her for almost ruining my girls lives.

Mr. & Younger Mrs. Dashwood - Hate them!!!!! The most obvious villains in the book. Mrs. Ferrars Dashwood is a vampy gold digger with no human feelings. Mr. Dashwood is a spineless fool who can't stand for what he believes in against his wife, and in a 100% patrichial society. Also Henry should disappear, but again possibly no story.

Mr. Henry Dashwood - Well, you're not alive but you shouldn't trust people so much.

Uncle Dashwood - Sold out your family for a child who doesn't need anything.