I had a life before 2023. Problem was it was a reactive life. I did the things I was expected to do in the circumstances I was given.
I never looker for things I wanted. I di things with passion because I know no other way to be. But that still wasn't being me.
58 life experiences:
1995: being born into a hellhole
1996: intermittent hearing - home with mommy
1997: shelter
1998: best friends: Jehovah, Mommy, and 4 year old
1999: first time a friend moved on without me.
Wanting to die.
2000: Speech and being hated by kindergarten teacher. Throwing up on after school teacher. Sticking a paper clip in an outlet to make a key and escape day care.
2001: misremembered but 9/11 changed the world.
2002: sick mommy
Teacher made me pee my pants.
2003: sick/dying mommy
2004: lose mommy. No longer allowed to miss two fifths to half of the school year. Felt i was no longer someone's precious child. I was no longer beloved.
2005: coasting through existence. Start of puberty.
2006: Last Graduation.
Baptism
2007: just existing - starting to go from disliking everything to hating everything.
2008: wanted aunt to stop existing. Missed my brother's bed. Want to but have no way to kill myself. First therapy appointment went horribly and I refused to go back.
2009: falling in love and mourning him at my graduation party - watched Thunder music video at least 10 times during party on brand new iPad touch. Didn't realize I was looking at bikinis as much as swimsuits.
2010: being basically out for my first season at 14. Not being treated like a kid, or even a minor, any more. Only menent - my guardian didn't care that my 18 year old sister was out past midnight but wanted to know where the 14 year old was. Only curfew in my life. Last semblance of caregivers love.
2011: existing. Being scolded everywhere. Self published book. Struggling with school.
2012: struggling to care anymore. Therapy.
2013: Graduation - didn't go.
3 months in Oklahoma.
2014: pioneering. Again with the scolding but having now been told we weren't family but roommates.
2015: college. Finally making more than $200-$400 in a work month.
2016: kicker out of family, house, and state. Had to finish school to leave. May - Feb 2017 hell.
2017: train move to OKC. Brother drove keto train. I waited for a real apology. I knew I was still kicked out but something. Something about ages 3-20. The last 9 months had been eggshells.
Nothing.
OKC and work.
2018: weird exploitative friendships. Convincing people to give me attention. But not needing them at the same time. Wanted to appear normal to those back home.
Nephew moved.
2019: bestie moved in. And I'm deeply sorry for being selfish in why she mover.
2020: went insane. First attempt.
2021: still insane. Second attempt.
2022: hell if I know. But I do know. It was everything 3-15 year old me knew was coming one day: sexual assault, relationship betrayal, suicide attempts (I was only supposed to have one in life. Ever. And it was supposed to work. Goddammit.), homelessness.
2023 was how 2020 started out. I was unapologetically living. The universe had shown 7 times it rejected my wish to die. That I had to survive. Nay, live. Nay, thrive.
January - longest time out of mental hospital in 4 months
February - writing
March - agoraphobia
April - focus
May - music
June - job and Pride
July - exploring
August - bittersweet
September- back to basic surviving
October - did it happen?
November - existing
December - resting to thrive again next year
I had my first happy birthday song September 2022. I had my first party Sept 2023. I edited everything I've ever written, publishing 12 works.
I fought for my right to be heard. I've always loved to talk. As soon as my mommy got my hearing worked out, I heard my family say they regretted me learning speech.
But I never had people understand.
Maybe it's not kids knowing they are trans by 5 or gay. But knowing thy are different by 5. I wanted to be normal. By 10, I wanted off this ride.
This is what I'm counting as my first rotation around the sun.
So happy 15 months of consciousness, beautiful child! Surround yourself with people who know how to forgive and actually say sorry.
And always, always take accountability for your choices. Never choose what others want you to. Again.
-
KenJin Rin Thom
