Monday, December 29, 2014


I'm having a hard time making myself speak!

It's been annoying me the last 2 weeks. I have to convince myself to open my mouth more often than I like. I'm starting to think there really isn't anything wrong with greeting someone and proceeding to stare at them as they talk eternally.

I know that's socially unacceptable. I know I have to speak to have a conversation. But I can't gather my thoughts. But sometimes my mouth doesn't cooperate. But it's painful to connect my thoughts, speak up, speak clearly, and talk.

Does what I have to say even matter that much?

90% of the time someone else says what I was going to say the same way or better. Does the 10% matter?

I've never really wanted to talk. Sharing my thoughts seems like a burden. But it's never been this difficult before. Before I would talk if needed. I would talk endlessly if that’s what the situation called for. Now I can’t find the power to overcome my fear of speaking. Who has this problem at 19? Is it crazy that I want to become a mute?

It scares me.

I wrote this poem a couple years ago.


Sometimes I feel like a boombox
I don't think of what to say
But play what people want to hear

I feel like a broken boombox
That won’t turn off
Can't be turned down

Boomboxes don't speak
They don’t have a voice
They don't have a choice

Someone has played me
And So I make noise
I am a broken boombox

- CoJa Brown

Previously it was about being the talkative and loud one even though I didn't want to. When I read it now, it grates on my psyche that I ever was that way. Every time I force myself to speak, I feel like I'm getting louder and more obnoxious. But in reality, I'm probably getting quieter and disappearing. It makes me sad. Really sad and scared!

Friday, December 19, 2014

I fall in love regularly

Question of the day: What would you do if you had 24 hours to live?

This question came up at a family dinner recently. My answer was that everyone I knew should come find me so I could tell them what I thought of them. This is ridiculous because it would be impossible. But I do wish I told people what I thought of them. I wish I walked about sharing my opinion more freely.

I have thoughts about everyone I see. As I mentioned in "Falling out of love," I care about everyone I come across. I find one thing I like about them and form a bond. And then they continue on their merry way without ever knowing my thoughts. If sadly, I only had 24 hours to live, I would shout my affections at the top of my lungs. En route to my family and friends, I would talk to every stranger.

I remember everyone:
I think about the guy on the bus who shared an awkward smile with me.
I think about my local cashier who recognizes me and sincerely asks how I'm doing.
I think about the girl I haven't seen in 5 years, who made school tolerable and lunch fun.
I think of the mom and toddler I kept bumping into at the grocery store.

Which brings me to this poem

I fall in love regularly,
with each person whom
passes me in the streets,
or who sits beside me on the bus.
Not in the romantic way;
No, we hardly even speak
a word to each other.
But I sit, quietly observing
all of their body language and all of
their expressions.
Their smiles, and gestures;
the way they lift their coffee,
or smile as they read
that new text message,
or count the change in their hands.
I watch vigilantly, tracking
the manners and movements,
and appreciating all that
these people are.
I spend some time thinking about
their families and lives,
and the lives that they lead.
I consider what they might do
for work, and what they
went to school for.
When they woke up that morning, and
how they did their hair.
I study the details of these people,
that may otherwise go unnoticed.
Researching each of them,
noticing our similarities, and
rejoicing in
the beauty of human nature

-Author unknown

I don't forget how I feel about people. If I haven't talked to you in a while don't think I don’t care. But know that I think of you often. I'm always rooting for you.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

I slept all day yesterday. It was beautiful. I didn’t have to get down from my bed once. But I did make myself get up at 5:30 pm to take care of some things. And so that I would be able to sleep at night.

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

The only problem with giving into my reclusive tendencies is it makes it so much harder to be in public. I quickly become accustomed to being the only one around.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

I went for a walk and to the mall. It was fun to people watch. But it was even more enjoyable to be alone. I was alone with my thoughts. No one was affected by me. But I am the person who walks down the street mouthing lyrics to herself so that might not be true.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I'll wake up on days I don't want to. I'll do things I don't want to do. I'll improve. And one day I'll show a different side of me. A side that's well.

P.S. I published Chapter 1 of my NaNoWriMo on wattpad. At I'm proud of myself.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Spirant Iustum

I've been waiting to post. I wanted my next post to be cheerful. I wanted it to be brighter than the last. But I don’t want to put on a front. I don't want to lie.

I was finally starting to feel better. I could sense the surface. Then suddenly I was forced back down by throw-away lines.

I know logically that I'm tired and sensitive. I know I just need to go to sleep. But emotionally, I wish people knew what their words meant. I wish I could show people the girl frozen, crying in her room.

I'll sleep and forget. Forget the pain I put myself through.

Short poem - Phoenix

Every day I smile
Because despite attempts
To push me down
I defiantly resume
And rise anew

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Bad Day, Not Life

It was one of those "watch tv, eat once, and drink hot chocolate" kind of days.

Seriously though, why does it seem like everyone always harps on the same thing? I don't have a license. I don't go to school. I don't have a real job. But I do know all this. It's not helpful when people tell me the reasons to do them. It just rubs in the fact that I've failed to grow up.

So I came home today and vegged. I could have used the day to do things. I could have taken care of important business. However, I felt so bad that I simply rewarded myself for staying awake. I don't know how I'm ever going to grow if some off handed comments and actions can lead to such a crash.

Where did my motivation go? I will get it back.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Always Improve

NaNoWriMo is over!!!!!

I wrote 49,491 words this month. Well around 5,000 were old words. But still, I wrote a novel.

Sadly, I did not win as I did not make 50,000. But I tried. I got close. And my story was told.

I've grown so much in the last month. Challenged myself to NaNoWriMo and blogging. I hosted a party. I worked. Very little but still. I finished applying to college. I've done things that terrified me weeks ago. I will continure to face new things and become the person I want to be.