Sunday, March 29, 2015

Purple Owl - Age 1

I officially began my blog a year ago. It took me a while to post a second time. But 3/29/14 was the day I put my thoughts into action.

I hope to develop my voice further. I hope that I will always be able to use this space as somewhere to think, share, and renew.

Writing my thoughts has always made it easier for me to understand myself. Writing for myself got me through a very difficult year. Now I will write to get better. I will write for myself and others.

I like having my voice on the Internet because it's real. So even if I feel like I'm fading away, I have proof that I have a soul, a voice. I matter in some way.

I want others to know they're not alone in dark thoughts. I want people to know you get through them. I want everyone to know I'm fighting as well. And I'm cheering for you all.

I've shared my blog in various ways on diverse social media networks. But today, I'm shouting it loud!!!

I'm here! I'm writing! I'm living!

P.S. My goal is to post 2 times a week. The days will move around. Next Sunday, I will post the first chapter of my latest book.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

My Own Woman

I'm feeling better.

I finished my first project for school. I had some bumps in the road but I made it through. And the children loved it!

I feel proud of myself for overcoming the problems. I feel energized and motivated to do things.

It's a little scary because I haven't felt this motivated in weeks. It makes me paranoid about the next time I get that sad.

My therapist was explaining chronic depression to me yesterday. I've always known what I've felt wasn't normal. But now I understand that there is a pattern. I understand that there's going to be up and downs.

And yes, I'm trying out medications but the right balance may take some time to find.

But I can wait and try different methods. Instead of worrying about when this motivated period is going to end, I'm going to just enjoy it.

And be proud of myself for getting this far in spite of how many times I've paused. 

I'm going to continue to grow as my own person.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015


The Schedule

Sunday - My Writing
Monday - Music
Tuesday - Poetry
Wednesday - Word or Woman
Thursday - Throw Back
Friday - Media
Saturday - Book Club

Any given day can be a musing day.

Today, or rather tonight, is for musing.

I hate sleeping.

I have to negotiate with myself to go to sleep. I know all that's waiting for me is my dreams. My subconscious isn't nice to me. I have anxiety dreams that are set to my real life. They make me anxious around the people who were in them.

I have peaceful dreams that show my life the way I want it. It's depressing to wake up from those dreams. And I have nightmares that are always life or death. I have to watch as my loved ones run for their lives. And sometimes the dreams are so real I feel the emotions when I wake up. They don’t settle until I see the person.

Even though this is what sleep means to me, I still can't wake up. I lay in bed for half an hour to 2 hours telling myself why to get up. Telling myself that the pain that has settled into my bones isn't that bad. That life isn't that bad and I should go live it with the people I love. But I've found that most days my arguments don't matter. By the time I've convinced myself, everything and everyone has moved on.

Oh, how I hate sleeping!

It's 1 am and once again I'm lying in bed with all this noise and silence.
It’s 1 am and the world is paused except for me.
Why should I try to sleep?
Why should I wait until the nagging voice stops and the real nightmares begin?
Because I have responsibilities and appointments.
Because I'm ridiculed for complaining about lack of sleep when I "don't try hard enough."
But does it really matter when I fall asleep?
But will my body let me wake up when I want to?

"I'm a spoiled princess who detest existing. Isn't that a bit too selfish?
I will never become what's expect of me. I should push myself to do more.
Does anyone really need me around? They seem like they don't.
Yelling at myself is useless. I never listen."

How am I supposed to like sleep when the voice is so loud!!!

P.S. Sorry! Lack of sleep makes me cranky.

Friday, March 13, 2015

The Final Verdict

It's been 3 weeks since I last blogged. Honestly, I've been avoiding it. I've been wrapped in my head, telling myself all the things I do wrong.

In "2015 Purple Owl" I wrote a list of things I'm supposed to do at my age but haven't been able to accomplish. So far, I've made quite a dent in that list.

I've: started school, gone out more weekends, and have been getting experience in my chosen field.

However, I'm not happier for reaching these so called requirements. I'm still being pressured to do more. To get my license. To help around the house more.

It's not that I like avoiding these things. It's that these things scare me. Stress me out and make it hard to sleep. I rarely dream anymore without hearing some piece of advice. In my sleep!!!

And it makes me feel like the most horrible person on the planet.

The Charges: Major Flaws

Guilt makes me small
I hate that I was born
Ruined my family's lives
And many, many more

Guilt makes me mean
To the boy I like
Can't make myself happy
Let alone help him to be

Guilt makes me weak
It pressed down on me
I don't want to go on
And on anymore

Guilt makes me strong
It pushes me onward
For all the suffering
How can I alone escape

So is it good or bad
What is the sentence
Am I wrong
Or am I guilty?

- CoJa Brown

I'm not guilty! I don't have to live in guilt anymore. To be motivated by guilt is painful and misleading. It's wrong to lock myself away and lie to other people.

The Sentence: Personal Acceptance

I'm not sure exactly who I am
Does that make me an idiot
There's got to be a way
To find myself

I am lost inside the world
Life feels like it finds you
Not the other way around
I chose not to be molded

When I'm by myself
I'm a little more real and sound
Now I have to figure out
How much of it is true

I need to accept her
I have to show her to the world
Because there's nothing wrong
With her, with me

If I believe that
I will be happy and strong
I will be me
Different will go on

- CoJa Brown

I guess it's okay not to know who you are, especially as a teenanger. I've just been so sure of myself for 18 years that it's upsetting to be otherwise. I just know I'm not who everyone's telling me to be.

So now, I get to find myself. And you get to come with me. I'll put up the blog topic schedule Monday. Tune in for more!!!

P.S. Double dose of poetry because of my unannounced haitus. I don't plan on being gone that long ever again!