Almost

2 songs in one post.

Almost love by Jessica Jarrel

I discovered this song about 6 months into an intense friendship. It was perfect because I, too, was Almost (in) Love. Race home, open the door, run upstairs, Throw my bag on the floor, log on, two seconds later, I get a message from you saying 'hey baby' Been going crazy thinking bout you all day, So much to tell you, boy I feel the same way,

All-day, I would be sneaking small moments to update him. On what? I don’t even know now. Can't wait to see you, just you And I cause every night I've been thinking what it would be like. I get a rush, More than a crush,

Almost love, Makes me feel high, Every time I think about us. Even though we talk every day I still can't get enough, I'm out of pulse, getting kinda close, almost love. It was more than a crush, right? Singing in the shower, talking without filters, being considerate of each other. It’s almost love. I'm 5'6 your 5'10, 14, 15, talk twenty four-seven, 34, 24, 36, talk twenty four seven, For-ever, l-o-l, you and I, talk twenty four-seven, G-2-g, x-o-x-o, uh, uh, uh, twenty four seven 3-2-3-2-1-5-12-7-8, 24/7 Give you my number, You call, we were both nervous, Said nothing at all, I was breathless, you were speechless, Said it good to finally hear your voice, Started talking, kinda random, Said you were a shy boy, for such a fly boy, You said it's you that makes me feel that way, I'm like sometimes even I don't know what to say I remember the feeling of phone calls. Not knowing if we’d ever hang up. Knowing we were talking about nothing and anything. I hate phone calls but not with you. I get a rush, more than a crush, almost love, Makes me feel high, Every time I think about us. Even though we talk every day I still can't get enough, I'm not opposed, Getting kinda close, almost love. I'm 5'6 your 5'10, 14, 15, talk twenty four-seven, 34, 24, 36, talk twenty four -seven, For-ever, l-o-l, you and I, talk twenty four-seven, G-2-g, x-o-x-o, uh, uh, uh, twenty four-seven 3-2-3-2-1-5-12-7-8, 24/7 Honestly has nothing to do with him anymore. Just a really great fun song. Like it’s made for an eternally 13, 14-year-old young woman. Also have they never met, because weird! How I wish you were here now, How I, how I, how I, how I wish you were here, How I wish you were here now, b-b-b-boy, b-b-b-boy, Boy, boy, boy how I wish you were here now, Boy, boy, boy, wish you were here now. I get a rush, More than a crush, almost love, Makes me feel high, every time I think about us. Even though we talk every day I still can't get enough, I'm not opposed, getting kinda close, almost love. I'm 5'6 your 5'10, 14, 15, talk twenty four - seven, 34, 24, 36, talk twenty four-seven, For-ever, l-o-l, you and I, talk twenty four-seven, G-2-g, x-o-x-o uh, uh, uh, twenty four-seven. 3-2-3-2-1-5-12-7-8, 24/7

----- -----

Almost by Tamia Can you tell me, how can one miss what she's never had? How could I reminisce when there is not past? How could I have memories of being happy with you, boy? Can someone tell me how can this be? Is there anyone who can answer this? Reminiscing when there’s little history should be real short. Instead, I can get lost in it. How could my mind pull up incidents Recall dates and times that never happened? Because I put stock in moments that just existed for you. You didn’t notice them yet they are imprinted on my heart. How could we celebrate love that's too late And how could I really mean the words I'm about to say? I miss the times that we almost shared I miss the love that was almost there I miss the times that we used to kiss At least in my dreams just let me take my time and reminisce I miss the times that we never had What happen to us, we were almost there Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades? No, almost counts in matters of love too. Who ever said it's impossible to miss What you never had, never almost had you Were we almost there? Or was I there alone? If your interest even half matched mine, it wouldn’t be an almost. I cannot believe I let you go or what I should say is I should have grabbed you up and never let you go I should have went out with you, I should have made you my boo, boy Yeah, that is one time I should have broke the rules Last time I played by the rules. I answered the questions honestly and stuck to societal plans. I didn’t try because I didn’t want to be hurt. This time was bigger. I did break the rules. And I was shown why the rules are in place. Now it’s too late for either time. The rest of the song is just Tamia’s perfect voice and those low notes from the featured artist. Should have went on the date, should have found a way to escape Should have turned almost into if it happen, now it's too late How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real? And if it didn't happen, why does my heart feel? I miss the times that we almost shared I miss the love that was almost there I miss the times that we used to kiss At least in my dreams just let me take my time and reminisce I miss the times that we never had What happen to us, we were almost there Who ever said it's impossible to miss What you never had, never almost had you You seem to be the perfect one for me You, you're all I ever wanted You're my everything, yes it's true Boy, it's hard to be close to you My love, boy, it may sound crazy But I'm in love with you I miss the times that we almost shared I miss the love that was almost there I miss the times that we used to kiss At least in my dreams just let me take my time and reminisce I miss the times that we never had What happen to us, we were almost there Who ever said it's impossible to miss What you never had, never almost had you I miss the times that we almost shared I miss the love that was almost there I miss the times that we used to kiss At least in my dreams just let me take my time and reminisce I miss the times that we never had What happen to us, we were almost there Who ever said it's impossible to miss What you never had, never almost had you, baby

Poem to Me

Please forgive me
I've been so broken
Please forgive me
For the words I've spoken

I don't know how
To prevent your cry
I don't know how
To not live a lie

Jaded: Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"Okay. What happened?" Allison asks sitting down.

"Nothing." I say, looking at my food.

"Don't give me that. I didn’t watch you two make eyes at each other for 3 periods to get nothing."

I look at Finn and he smiles.

"Make eyes. You'd think she was a grandma." He mutters.

"My hearing is still good you know. Lizzie, I know what happened. Just say it."

"Fine. We're dating. Nosy."

"Yes!" Allison exclaims, pumping her fist.

"What are you so excited about?" Chloe asks, joining us.

"They're dating. I told you they wouldn't last 5 weeks."

Finn and I look at each other.

"There was a bet?" He asks.

"No. A bet implies there was a pool of money depending on the outcome. It was just an discussion."

"Because that's okay." I sigh. "Guys, could you keep it quiet though? We don't need everyone finding out."

"Finding out what?" Allison asks. "Everyone already considers you two together. You just had to get the memo."

"Everyone here might known. But we'll keep it from getting to the public." Chloe says. "Finn's one of us."

"I'm not sure if that's a good thing." He says.

"You know you're happy to be the first guy ever to say he goes to Alden for Girls." Allison replies.

"If you say so. It's almost time for class."

He picks up our stuff and helps me up.

"What happened to your bags, Lizzie?" Chloe asks.

"I decided not to read my textbooks at school."

"But you should still have one bag. What about the books you need for class?"

"I've got them." Finn says.

I sigh.

"Eliza, are you worried about this afternoon?"

"I'm fine. Just a little tired."

Finn looks at me.

"I'll tell you if it's anything worse, okay?"

"Okay." He whispers back.

"Are you guys sharing books?" Chloe asks.

"It makes sense. We sit next to each other in all our classes. Plus, Eliza's already read them."

"They're sharing books, Allison."

"I knew it would be like this. They're all cutesy and in the newlywed phase. They'll forget all about us."

"Never." I say, smiling at them.

"I have." Finn states.

And we all laugh.
----- ----- -----

My new doctor was surprised Dr. Lillian let me travel. I told him the condition doesn't limit my flight. But he doesn't think the distance from medical attention is good for me. He'll be making biweekly visits to make sure my migraines don't get worse. It's a little scary.

----- ----- -----

"So what's new?" Belle asks as we sit down to dinner.

"Lizzie and Finn are dating!" Jenn says.

"Everyone knows Jenn. I don't have any news since Saturday." I say looking around the table.

"Jenn, how are you doing?" Caleb asks.

"I'm great. Mr. Lawrence asked me to give a sample presentation in class. Which is really cool because he must think I'm really smart."

"You are really smart." Belle says.

Jenn blushes.

"How is ______ Lawrence?" Delilah asks, glancing at Belle.

"He's good." I answer. "He's a motivating teacher."

"Hmm, we should have a coed event for Alden Academies soon."

"Delilah, stop looking at me. You're not subtle. And just because you haven't seen the teachers lately doesn't mean I haven't."

"So you admit there's something on?"

Jenn and I look at each other.

"Mr. Lawrence?" I mouth.

"Wait, between Mr. Lawrence and Belle?" Jenn asks aloud.

"Yes. Delilah's convinced there was a mutual connection when he started teaching." Arthur says.

"No." She says. "He was interested in high school too. It was always Belle that, Belle this."

"Weird." I say.

Belle looks at me.

"No. I understand him being interested in you. It's just hard to picture since he's my teacher."

"He respected her." Caleb says. "And that's that."

"Thank you, Caleb." Belle says, still looking at me.

"Let's move on." Arthur says. "Lizzie, would you be willing to join a meeting with the foundation this week? We could set it up for Friday after you get out of school."

"Um, sure. What's it for?" I ask.

"Well we all have our different charities and events. You can set one up as the Peyton ward."

"We'll all be there for you." Caleb says.

"I'll do it. We don't have school Friday though. We can set up a morning meeting so everyone still gets out on time."

"Everyone would get out on time anyway." Belle says. "But it's good that you think of the staff."

I feel like I'm being groomed for something.
----- ----- -----

"Elizabeth Gent born to Zara and Luke Gent has no results." The older woman says.

"In the entirety of Massachusetts?" I ask.

"No, dear. There's are no Elizabeth Gents born in Massachusetts. Do you have any other information, like mother's maiden name or anything?"

"My mom's maiden name was Zara Mills."

"She has the same maiden name as the Simms mother." The woman observes, typing.

"Yes. But no relation."

"Here's a Beth Mills born to Zara Mills in 1998 in Hyannis. How's that dear?"

"No. I was born in 1997 in Plymouth."

"Didn't realize there were so many Zaras in that time." She says.

That's an odd thing to say.

"Thank you, ma'am."

"You're the Peyton ward, correct?"

"Yes." I say.

"It's nice to see an orphan with so much influence. Use it well."

"Thanks, ma'am. I'll try." I wave and walk out of the research library.

"How did it go?" Finn asks as I get in the car.

"One second." I say, leaning back and closing my eyes.

Finn takes my hand. I open my eyes and smile weakly.

"Nothing. No Elizabeth Gents in Massachusetts, ever. I wasn't born here."

"Yes, you were Eliza. But you remember Massachusetts as a home state."

"But that's the problem. I don't remember anything about it. I've called it home for so long. But it's not. I have no documentation to support an idea a blocked brain provided."

"Don't call your brain blocked. It's just not telling you everything. You might not be in the system or you might not be under the right name."

"There was a Beth Mills born to Zara Mills. But it was the wrong year and town."

"Your mom's name was Zara?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't know that. Tell me about her."

"I know you're just distracting me."

"I want to know." He says, squeezing my hand. "If it helps you relax to so be it."

""

I tell him aboout how she would pick me up from school and take me exploring. She'd tell me about history and science. She made sure I was always learning and growing with her. I tell him the few stories I remember of my dad.

"Where are we going?" I ask, suddenly.

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice until we were on the boat."

"You want me to be more observant and then say things like that. Are we going back to that small island?"

"Yeah. You seemed to like it before."

"I did. Thank you." I clam back up.

Finn parks. We buy the tickets and rush to the next ferry. I write and Finn listens to music.

"Eliza." Finn pokes me. "We're departing."

We follow the few people off the boat. Finn lifts me down again and smiles at me.

"I'm having deja vu."

"But you have been here before."

"It's more than that. It feels like I'm doing an old habit."

"Well you said you'd explore with your parents on the weekend, right?" I nod. "Maybe you'd come here."

"Maybe."

We walk to the shop again. And I stop in front of the painting from last time.

"Oh my goodness." An 80 year old man says, coming up. "You've come back."

He hugs me and I freeze.

"And the little boy." He says, letting go and hugging Finn.

Finn looks at me and I shrug back.

"It's been years. You two are so much bigger now. You went from children." He points to the painting. "To young adults. I guess, I'm not so young either."

"I'm sorry. I'm not sure we've met." Finn says.

"Of course we have. You're named after some sort of animal. And this young lady has the prettiest smile. It makes all your pain go away." He whispers to Finn.

"My name is Elizabeth Gent." I say, holding out my hand.

"There's the smile!" He shouts.

A young woman comes up.

"Grandpa. Let's go on a walk."

"Perfect blend of her father and mother." He says following his granddaughter. "With their tragedy, it's nice to see."

I start to follow them. A woman comes into my path.

"I'm sorry about my father. He gets very confused. He's still looking for the little girl in his painting."

"He painted this?"

"Yes. You have her hair color and he must have ran with it. I apologize. Enjoy ______." She says, following her family out.

I gasp and close my eyes.

"Another migraine?" Finn asks.

"No. It was just a sharp pain. It's gone."

"Time to go."

"But the older man…"

"I don't think his daughter wants us talking to him. We'll try next week."

I look at Finn.

"No. You need to take your time. The mystery won't unravel any faster if you're in bed in pain."

"Fine. Next week."

We walk back to the dock. We sit and watch the ocean.

"So what were you writing on our way over?" Finn asks.

I hand him my notebook. And he reads silently.

Fatherless boys
And motherless girls
They all unite
Living the tale

Don’t know what it means
Or remember too well
Being a member
Forming a family

People pity them
Sigh when they hear
What their history is
What their life has been

Fatherless boys
And motherless girls
To them I relate
And with them as well

I hate the word orphan

"What happened?" Finn asks, handing me my notebook back.

"In addition to telling me I wasn't born here, the research lady told me to do a good job as the Peyton ward. I'm an orphan with a lot of power. I know I'm an orphan. I wake up every morning knowing I don't have what other people do. But that's not all I am. I don't want to be known as the SOS with power. I want to be Elizabeth Gent, the girl who did what she could. One word doesn't define me."

Finn sighs and hugs me.

"You're so much more than your circumstances. I wish people could see past it. You have the potential to be the girl who changed the world. I'm sorry you have to hear that from everyone."

Thunder by Boys like Girls

On the whole when I hear this song, I picture my eighth-grade culmination party. I had just been gifted an iPod touch by my family. Everyone pitched in, even underage siblings. I downloaded this video before we left. And I walked around my party, listening to it and waiting. Waiting for the current love of my life, my thunder to show up. And he never showed!

But in a decade, it’s so much more than that.

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, woah

Life never goes as I want. Walking down a street I don’t want to be on. On a day I don’t want to be upright, to live. To live a life, I don’t want to exist.

Today in the blink of an eye
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

Why did I try this time? Why did I try last night? Why didn’t I try when it mattered?

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what I’m feeling inside
I gotta find a way out

Maybe there's a way out

I’m always looking for a way out. Looking for a way out of relationships with others. Looking for a way of out a relationship with myself. Looking for a way out of life.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

And bring on the thunder

That summer before eighth grade, my love’s eyes were the “brightest of any color”. In my memories, they still are.

Today is a winding road

Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know

Today I'm on my own

I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone, I don't know

Is there a better lyrical representation of depression?

And now I'm itching for the tall grass

And longing for the breeze

I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe

I gotta find a way out

Maybe there’s a way out

I just want to feel again. I’ve been struggling to breathe since I was three. But the times that I’ve been able to, make me able to push on.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

And bring on the thunder 

My first nanny charge was the highlight of my summer. He gave it sound and he gave it color.

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope

I'm wrapped up in vines

I think I'll make it out but you just gotta give me time

Strike me down with lightning

Let me feel you in my veins

I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

No matter what, I’ll always make it out. For 3 year old me. For my 3 year old. For Blue, Emerald, Indigo, Grey. For aunt. For my mom.

I rarely acknowledge it but I feel your pain. I'll try to valid it more.

Today is a winding road

That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, woah

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

Spring was just another time to me. In between my least favorite seasons, winter and summer. Basically my favorite for not being the fall I was born into, winter I lost my mom, or summer I lost my dreams. One spring gave such meaning that I fell back in love with summer. And this new love is greater than the love I felt before eighth-grade summer.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

And listen to the thunder

His voice powers the thunder of my heart.

Monster

T’was a monster only my sword could slay, none others it respected.

Maybe the monster mustn’t be slayed but instead simply tamed.

Maybe the monster is to be controlled not just destroyed.

T’was a monster only I can tame.

T’was a monster only my cage can hold.

I am but a persistent and brave monster tamer.

I am but a dedicated scholar of the monster that no longer surprises me.

A monster roams inside assigned to me because I alone can handle it.

A monster roams inside assigned to me because I speak its language.

I simply spoke to the monster.

It quieted when it understood I wouldn’t accept any other way.

It hushed when it understood I would not tolerate a rampage.

The monster finally silenced when it understood I would keep fighting.

And somehow the stillness was worse than the rage.