Saturday, June 11, 2016

Hypomania & HSP

The problem with hypomania is knowing that eventually it will wear off.

I had a very up day Sunday. I giggled, I shrieked, I ate, I laughed, I lived. But come Monday, things were bothersome again. Fast forward to Wednesday, and I'm bemoaning my existence (after therapy of course. My worst moments through the week always seem to come within 40 hours of saying "have a good week" to my therapist.) I woke up Thursday surprised I survived the night and somewhat (as much as possible) optimistic about a day to recover slowly. Until I cried at work. From then out it was over. The misery was cemented.

I'm feeling a little better today. Breathing isn't as difficult. Thinking isn't as painful. Walking is a little less hard.

But still I'm not quite well. I'm recalling past comments and hearing them in the worst way.

"How can you keep track of everything in that notebook? I would get so confused." - "You're not normal. Your behavior isn't normal. You are an enigma always to be alone and never understood." Different. Right, I can't get away from that. I'm told I'm supposed to embrace my uniqueness and not be so utterly destroyed when I'm sent off world again. Because my emotional responses, which are out of my control, are wrong as well.

"You take up a lot of room in the fridge for one person." - "You take up too much room in the house." Smaller. Right, it's my first priority in life. I'll work on that despite the progress of even having food in the fridge.

"You don't feel up to it? You don't care about me." Or "You don't agree with me? You think my perspective is wrong, even though I have more authority in the matter?" - "Your emotions rule you. You can't vlbe self-sacrificing." Or "You can't possibly have a solid opinion based on your perspective. You just want to oppose me!" Selfish. Right, I don't sacrifice enough just staying alive so other people can avoid that added stress. I am unfeeling while doing my best to make everyone happy with what little energy or real interest I have. I should definitely be able to find a way to agree with things I don't believe I can do or I don't believe are right.

It's a constant struggle. I know people mean well. I know I lean toward paranoia personality disorder. But that's the thing. I'm already bent to think that people are out to get me. And then I hear at least 1 negative thing every day from the outside. I hear negative things on repeat from the inside. I wish I could trust the outside to give me time to digest the previous comments.

Why can't the up days last longer?

I'm just in the way. Of people I love. Of myself. And I'm not sure how much I can ignore anymore. I'm not sure if I'll be able to survive every day when my worst fear is be achieved every day. And pointed out.

I just want to quit.