Wednesday, August 17, 2016

S.I. Confessions Part 4

How do I go from high up to falling down?

Why can't I speak when people are around?

When will I be able to see more than me?

Who do I even want to be?

Where will I find my safe place?

What can I do to enjoy taking up space?

Monday, August 15, 2016

Everybody's always talking at me
Everybody's tryin' to get in my head
I wanna listen to my own heart talking
I need to count on myself instead

(Did you ever?) Lose yourself to get what you want
(Did you ever?) Get on a ride and wanna get off
(Did you ever?) Push away the ones you should have held close
Did you ever let go? Did you ever not know?

I'm not gonna stop
That's who I am
I'll give it all I got
That is my plan
Will learn from what I lost
You know you can
Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it
I'm wonna make it right
That is the way
To turn my life around
Today is the day
Am I the type of guy who means what I say?
Bet on it, Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it

How will I know if there is a path worth taking?
Should I question every move I make?
Thought I've lost my heart, it's breaking
I don't wanna make the same mistake

(Did you ever?) Doubt your dream will ever come true
(Did you ever?) Blame the world but never blame you
(I will never) Try to live a lie again
I don't wanna win this game, if I can't play it my way

I'm not gonna stop
That's who I am
I'll give it all I got
That is my plan
Will learn from what I lost
You know you can
Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it
I'm wonna make it right
That is the way
To turn my life around
Today is the day
Am I the type of guy who means what I say?
Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it

It's no good at all
To see yourself
And not recognize your face
Out on my own
It's such a scary place, oooh!
The answers are all inside of me
All I gotta do is believe

I'm not gonna stop, not gonna stop 'til I get my shot
That's who I am, that is my plan
Will I end up on top?
You can, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet all you can
Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on me

I'm wonna make it right
That is the way
To turn my life around
Today is the day
Am I the type of guy who means what I say?
Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it
(You can bet on me!)

Scream Lyrics

The day the door is closed
The echoes fill your soul
They won't say which way to go
Just trust your heart
To find what you're here for
Open another door
But I'm not sure anymore

It's just so hard
Voices in my head
Tell me they know best
Got me on the edge
They're pushin', pushin', they're pushin'

I know they've got a plan
But the ball's in my hands
This time is man-to-man
I'm drivin', fightin', inside of
(A world that's upside down)

It's spinning faster
What do I do now
Without you?
I don't know where to go
What's the right team
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't chose, so confused

What's it all mean
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream
I'm kicking down the walls
I gotta make them fall
Just break through them all

I'm punchin', crushin', I'm gonna
Fight to find myself
Me, and no one else
Which way, I can't tell
I'm searchin', searchin', can't find a
(Way that I should turn)
I should, to right or left, it

It's like nothing works
Without you
I don't know where to go
What's the right team
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't chose, so confused

What's it all mean
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream
Yeah, the clock's running down,
Hear the crowd getting loud
I'm consumed by the sound
Is it her?
Is it love?
Can the music ever be enough?
Gotta work it out!
Gotta work it out!
You can do it!
You can do it!

I don't know where to go
What's the right team
I want my own thing
So bad I'm gonna scream
I can't chose, so confused

What's it all mean
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream
I don't know where to go
What's the right team

I want my own thing
I want my own thing
I can't chose, so confused
What's it all mean
I want my own dream
So bad I'm gonna scream

Jaded: Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Hello, Elizabeth Gent. My name is Sarah Jackson." The young woman says, sitting on the couch.

"I know who you are. I've been watching you and reading your articles since I was 5." I say, excitedly and wince.

Sarah laughs.

"Thank you. It's nice to know I had such a young and dedicated fan. What made you watch the news at such a young age?"

"My mom insisted I know what was going on in the world. I love your broadcasting company and their honesty. What made you move to human interest pieces?"

"I've always been interested in getting to know the people I report about. I find that causes get a more personal touch that way."

"Cool." I say. "Would you like anything to drink?"

"Water, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, juice, milk?" Allison asks to my right.

I look at her.

"I guess Allison predicted I'd be asking."

"No. I've been watching from upstairs." She says, without shame. "Ms. Jackson, I'm a huge fan."

"This is my friend, Allison. She works for the Simms." I introduce.

Ms. Jackson smiles.

"Nice to meet you, Allison. I feel so flattered today."

"What can I get you, Ms. Jackson?"

"I'll take tea." Sarah says. "And you can call me Sarah."

Allison nods quickly and I snicker.

"Orange juice, Liz?" She asks, glaring at me.

"Yes, please." I smile back.

She leaves the room.

"So Elizabeth, my interview style is a bit different as you probably know. I'll ask questions but it's fine if you move from topic to topic. Just know some things may move out of context when I edit."

"That's fine. I do have a request though. Could you start off by saying that I prefer not to be called Elizabeth?"

She gets out her recorder.

"What do you prefer to be called? Liz?" She asks.

"I usually go by Lizzie but I've been called every nickname including Betty." I laugh.

"You don't agree with Betty?"

"I don't mind any of them. I just don't feel much like a Betty. It seems like a bubbly name."

"You don't consider yourself bubbly?

"No. I'm cheerful but I'm not bubbly. Not that there's anything wrong with being bubbly. It's just not a part of my personality."

"I can appreciate that. Your comments are very diplomatic. Is that because you're aware of your role model status? Or is it affected by having prepared your answers?"

"Neither. I was surprised when the Companion called me a role model. I'm honored that people view me as a good person to imitate. However, I refuse to be fake for the status."

"So what makes you so diplomatic?"

"I'm not sure. I was always the mediator in my friend groups. I have a mellow viewpoint, I suppose."

Allison puts our drinks down.

"You're a valuable addition to our friend group." She says.

"Thanks, Allie."

"Son." She adds.

"And now it sounds weird." I say.

"Sorry. I'm interrupting. Call me if you need anything."

"Will do."

"You two seem like great friends."

"Yeah. She's one of my best friends."

"You didn't know each other before you came, right? That's quick."

"I don't think it's that fast. We just happen to carry the same song."

She looks at me in surprise.

"Are you saying that based on the poem, The Arrow and the Song?"

"Yes, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. He's one of my favorite poets."

"I am definitely talking to the 6th smartest young lady in the country."

I blush.

"I'm not the 6th smartest girl in the country. The tests to find that statistic only emphazise a select amount of information. That fact is, my cumulative score is impressive but there are plenty of young women who test better in individual subjects. We all have our different advantages. Mine happens to be that I have a good memory and a lot of time to learn."

"I can't argue with that. How long are you staying with the Simms?"

"I'm not sure. The original plan was for 10 weeks. Circumstances may change but if I have responsibilities to handle, I may be back often."

"That raises a couple questions. What are you going to do when you leave the girls at this academy?"

"I will strive to keep in contact with them. I may not always answer or reply right away. But I hope to write and call people all the time. I've actually reconnected with a few people lately."

"Who would these people be?"

"One of my foster sisters wrote the Peyton empire a letter. It was good to hear from her after all these years. Another one was my fourth grade teacher. She helped me through one of the hardest times in my life."

"What was that?"

I forgot that I was being interviewed.

"That would be my mother's death. I was more shy then."

"It's hard to imagine that. You carry yourself with such confidence. Of course, that brings up another question. You don't have to answer."

"It's okay. I previewed it. And I'm used to the question."

She smiles at me, sadly.

"What happened to your parents?"

"My father died in a sailing accident when I was 3. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 4. She fought for four years and died when I was 8."

"You were so young." She says, emotional.

"I was. But I still have memories of my parents. And that's a blessing I am grateful for."

"That's beautiful."

"Thank you." I say, slightly uncomfortable.

"I had a couple more questions. I know you have to get ready for the pairs and groups scavenger hunt."

"I do. But I have plenty of time to get ready."

"I was wondering what responsibilities you have as the Peyton ward."

"Well, I will be getting a scholarship so I have to finish my high school experience at the academic standard I've previously set. I am the teen representative so I must be respectable. I am now in charge of the teen section of events held by the Peyton empire."

Sarah pauses her recorder.

"Off record, but Delilah was getting overwhelmed."

I believe that. But I don't think it needs to be spoken.

"In time, I'll be attending any events that the Simms cannot attend."

She records again.

"There's four of them. Will there ever be a day not even one can be in attendance?"

"It's not likely. But I'll be on standby just in case."

"Well, they couldn't have possibly given it to a more responsible young woman."

"Thank you."

"The last question is a more personal one."

More personal than my parents? Even though I know the gist of what she's about to ask, I don't know how you get more personal than that.

"Sources say you danced several times with a young man the night of the Peyton anniversary benefit."

"That's correct."

"No one seems to know who this young man is, however. Will he be on your team this evening?"


"Are you playing pairs or groups?"


"Do you have a relationship with this young man?"

"He's a close friend. Friendship is a relationship as well."

"That's true." She says, smiling. "Is the Peyton ward allowed to have a romantic relationship?"

"Yes. I am, as the Peyton ward, allowed to have a relationship. At the moment, I am not in a relationship. I don't feel obligated to announce when I start one. But I will strive to live up to my role model status in that area of my life, too."

'I think you'll be a great role model. I look forward to seeing what you do with your position."

"Thank you." I say.

She turns off her recorder.

"Sorry for some of those questions. The public wants to know." She says, standing.

"It's fine. I knew they were coming. And I trust you to provide a good first impression."

"Thank you. Well, Lizzie it was nice to meet you."

"It was nice to meet you as well." I say as Allison comes into the room.

"Lizzie, it's almost time to go. Sarah, I'll walk you out."

I hear them talking as I go up stairs.

I go to my room and check my makeup. I grab my satchel. I head out of my room.


I turn around and see Finn in the family room.

"How long have you been here?"

"A while. You walked by me earlier. Please be a bit more aware of your surroundings."

"Fine. Are you ready to go?"

"One second. Can you hold up your hair?"

I do so. Then, I feel something cold on my neck. I touch something square and look down.

"A bookcase necklace?!" I ask excited.

"Yup. Now I'm ready."

I follow him downstairs and out of the house. We get in the car and he turns on music.

"Finn, why did you buy me a necklace to match your pocket watch?" I ask, curious.

"We have to match for our team. I told you we were set."

"You told me to wear my notebook print shirt and bring my typewriter satchel. I thought having a theme was enough."

"It is. I had already ordered the necklace, though. That shirt is cool."

"You bought me my satchel and now a necklace."

"I gave you the satchel two years ago. I knew you'd like the necklace. That's all that is important."

"Well thank you. I'm not good with people buying me gifts. It's a good thing I like you so much."

The car stops and my door opens.

"Ms. Gent." A valet says.

"Hello. Which way is the gathering?"

"It's on the putting green to the left." He gestures.

I try to get my blush to go away. I can't believe I said that.

Finn clears his throat. Awkward.

"So Jenn went with Chloe and Lynn?" he asks.

"No." He stares at me. "She went with Lynn and George. We didn't leave her at the house."

"You enjoy making people panic."

"No, I don't. I just thought this was a bad time to ask."

"It takes a little more than 5 minutes to get here. I could have gone back for her."

"You forgot and that's that."

"Whatever." Finn says, smiling. "Let's join the party."

"Let's." I say as we step onto the grass.

Chloe runs up.

"Save me."

I laugh.

"What happened to you being so excited about your team?" I ask.

"It's never been so quiet in my car. Miranda is in the front seat and won't even look at Cameron. I don't understand why they agreed to be on the same team."

"Because everyone wanted them to be on the same team." Finn says. "This is their first year playing. Do you know how many couples have come from this game?"

"I know. My cousin married her teammate from her freshman year in college. I just can't believe his parents agreed. And I wish they hadn't."

"Do you have to be on their team?" I ask.

"Yeah. They need a driver. Plus, there's no duos I can pawn Cameron off to." She says, glancing at Finn.

"The teams have already been approved." He says.

"I know."

"Arthur is beckoning me." He says, nodding at me.

I nod back.

"He's not a very good guard walking away from you." Chloe says.

"I'm just glad to have a little breathing room. And he's literally 8 feet away."

"I'm glad my dad isn't influential enough for us to need guards."

I finger my necklace.

"Is Finn okay?"

"I think so."

"He glared at me when you asked if I need to be on the kids team."

"Oh. I wondered why you responded like that. Maybe he didn't want to share the winnings." I guess.

"He doesn't care about a paid dinner. And I would have given it to you two. No, I think he didn't want anyone disturbing you."

"That's …" I don't finish that thought.

"See? I'm right."

"Hi, Lizzie." Lynn says.

I look at her, George, and Jenn.

"Wow. That is a lot of flannel." I say, blinking.

"It's a good thing it's cold enough for it. I hope the girls won't get too hot." George says.

"No, I think it's perfect. I think hot chocolate should be on the list." Jenn comments.

"We could put it on our own list."

Lynn stares at them.

"This is why we're not going to win. These two will veer off course."

"Hi, Lizzie. Hi, Finn." Cameron says.

I look to my side. I didn't know Finn had come back.

"More aware." He whispers and I nod.

"Hi, I'm Lizzie Gent." I say to the teenage girl.

"Nice to meet you. Miranda Beaufont." She says, quietly.

"So Lizzie how are you two matching?" Cameron asks.

"They did it subtly. She's a writer and he has a bookcase watch. Producer meets audience." Jenn says, sounding disappointed.

"Wait, isn't her necklace a bookcase?" Lynn says.

"Can I answer now? We both have bookcase accesories." I say.

'That's cool." George says.

"That's new." Jenn says, looking at me.

"Alright teams, line up." Mrs. Jergens says.

"Finn?" Jenn whispers.

"Yeah. He surprised me with it." I whisper back.

We separate and line up in front of the stage.

"Ok. The rules are simple. You must transport the item. If it belongs to someone ask permission to borrow it. In order to return it, you must list where you got it from. If you run into another team, go in a different direction to avoid losing. The game ends here at 6. The valets have put the lists in your cars."

"Delilah and Caleb are on the same team." I observe.

"Is that strange?" Finn asks.

"They just seem to frustrate each other. I don't see them interact often."

"They work well together."

"Arthur and Belle seem like stiff competition."

"They are. They've won 6 times."

"It seems like they shouldn't be allowed to participate anymore."

"They turn their dinner into a dinner party. So people don't mind."

We find the car and get in.

"Let's beat them." Finn says.


Friday, August 12, 2016


I'm sorry I haven't done a media post. I couldn't decide the form of media. But now I know.

Disney Channel Original Movies:

DCOMs are hit or miss. They tell basic stories that the audience either identifies with or not. The main characters are usually stereotypes and people react to then in extremes. The MC is loved or loathed. Most DCOMs are girl centric, much like the shows on Disney Channel. I feel that Disney does a better job with their movie MCs than the show. That is probably because the audience doesn't spend hours dissecting the character. Movies also have a tighter plot and execution.

My list of DCOMs:

Thursday, August 11, 2016


Throw Back Thursday

Mom Era: 0 - 8 years old

This was a stressful era. Mom was sick. I was sick.

But the leader of the era was always around. She explained things to me. Things most people wouldn't think to explain to a child. Things most people would think was beyond a child. Things most people would think damaging for a child.

I couldnt tell her my secrets. I didn't want to upset her with my worries. Somehow, she seemed to know them anyway.

Mom held my hand as I had my MRI.

Aunt Era: 8 - 13 years old

This was a quiet era. It built underground and erupted suddenly towards the end.

The leader wasn't always available. She was tired from working and caring for us. She was busy. She was overwhelmed.

I fought her over my secrets. I wanted her to worry over them. I wanted them to matter. I wanted to matter.

She loved me through the worst times.

Blue Era: 14 - 16 years old

This was a quick era. It took longer to adjust to than it actually lasted. It shocked me when it ended.

The leader was unsure. He had a lot of concerns. He was in charge of so many people's happiness. He didn't talk to me as much as he had during the other eras.

I denied him my secrets. I denied access into the pieces the eras had created. I didn't want him to know about the scars I'd gained while he wasn't the leader.

He asked for a blanket when I was cold during my MRI.

Lost Era: 16 - 20 years old

This was a random era. Nothing was set in stone. No goal seemed within reach, even just getting through.

The leader didn't exist. There was nothing to lead. Life just passed by. School, friends, entertainment on and on without a plan. And even when it did gain a plan, the approach was haphazard.

I ran away from my secrets. I forgot they existed. When their whispers grew to shouts, I ignored the pain. I ignored them and so they controlled me.

It was the darkest era.

Purple Era: 20 years old

This era is open. It doesn't have many things written yet. The things it has are mostly bad.

The leader is me. I'm finally at the helm. I don't know how to grow up. I doubt I ever will achieve the level I had hoped for. I have confidence that this era will last for quite some time.

I'm slowly remembering my secrets. I'm facing them head on. They are just facts or thoughts. I am the person whose life depends on continuing the fight.

I couldn't ask for a blanket. I couldn't squeeze comfort into my hands. I did, however, prepare for the shot. I prepared for the potential anxiety attack. I prepared for the loneliness and longing. I cheered on and supported my physically and mentally weak state. I got through my MRI on my own.

P.S. I'm going to attempt blogging all week. I had my last day of work today and decided to write on the topic that's been on my mind since Friday.