Sleep

The Schedule

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Sunday - My Writing
Monday - Music
Tuesday - Poetry
Wednesday - Word or Woman
Thursday - Throw Back
Friday - Media
Saturday - Book Club
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Any given day can be a musing day.

Today, or rather tonight, is for musing.

I hate sleeping.

I have to negotiate with myself to go to sleep. I know all that's waiting for me is my dreams. My subconscious isn't nice to me. I have anxiety dreams that are set to my real life. They make me anxious around the people who were in them.

I have peaceful dreams that show my life the way I want it. It's depressing to wake up from those dreams. And I have nightmares that are always life or death. I have to watch as my loved ones run for their lives. And sometimes the dreams are so real I feel the emotions when I wake up. They don’t settle until I see the person.

Even though this is what sleep means to me, I still can't wake up. I lay in bed for half an hour to 2 hours telling myself why to get up. Telling myself that the pain that has settled into my bones isn't that bad. That life isn't that bad and I should go live it with the people I love. But I've found that most days my arguments don't matter. By the time I've convinced myself, everything and everyone has moved on.

Oh, how I hate sleeping!

It's 1 am and once again I'm lying in bed with all this noise and silence.
It’s 1 am and the world is paused except for me.
Why should I try to sleep?
Why should I wait until the nagging voice stops and the real nightmares begin?
Because I have responsibilities and appointments.
Because I'm ridiculed for complaining about lack of sleep when I "don't try hard enough."
But does it really matter when I fall asleep?
But will my body let me wake up when I want to?

"I'm a spoiled princess who detest existing. Isn't that a bit too selfish?
I will never become what's expect of me. I should push myself to do more.
Does anyone really need me around? They seem like they don't.
Yelling at myself is useless. I never listen."

How am I supposed to like sleep when the voice is so loud!!!

P.S. Sorry! Lack of sleep makes me cranky.