Boom

I'm having a hard time making myself speak!

It's been annoying me the last 2 weeks. I have to convince myself to open my mouth more often than I like. I'm starting to think there really isn't anything wrong with greeting someone and proceeding to stare at them as they talk eternally.

I know that's socially unacceptable. I know I have to speak to have a conversation. But I can't gather my thoughts. But sometimes my mouth doesn't cooperate. But it's painful to connect my thoughts, speak up, speak clearly, and talk.

Does what I have to say even matter that much?

90% of the time someone else says what I was going to say the same way or better. Does the 10% matter?

I've never really wanted to talk. Sharing my thoughts seems like a burden. But it's never been this difficult before. Before I would talk if needed. I would talk endlessly if that’s what the situation called for. Now I can’t find the power to overcome my fear of speaking. Who has this problem at 19? Is it crazy that I want to become a mute?

It scares me.

I wrote this poem a couple years ago.

Boom

Sometimes I feel like a boombox
I don't think of what to say
But play what people want to hear

I feel like a broken boombox
That won’t turn off
Can't be turned down

Boomboxes don't speak
They don’t have a voice
They don't have a choice

Someone has played me
And So I make noise
I am a broken boombox

- CoJa Brown

Previously it was about being the talkative and loud one even though I didn't want to. When I read it now, it grates on my psyche that I ever was that way. Every time I force myself to speak, I feel like I'm getting louder and more obnoxious. But in reality, I'm probably getting quieter and disappearing. It makes me sad. Really sad and scared!