Throw Back Thursday

I've always been conflicted about school. I love learning and being around peers. But I was stressed about being assessed by teachers and tests. I was also stressed about my classmates and their problems.

I missed a lot of school because stress made me sick. I went to work and college classes with my adult family. Just to avoid school.

TBT:
I remember one time my oldest brother was going to take my sisters and I to school. I locked the door to my bedroom and put my hands behind me on the rungs of my bed. I figure if he couldn't get me, I wouldn't go to school. I don't remember what was that day's pain but he wasn't buying any aches. I don't know why I didn't want to go. And I felt bad for disobeying. But I couldn't see another way.

My brother took off the door knob. I begged him to let me stay home or go with him. But he said no to both. With our 17 year difference, it wasn't that hard for him to pick me up. I went to school. And just sat. I wasn't able to stay away from school but I could mentally remove myself.

Now that I'm older I realize how terrifying it would be to have an elementary student lock themselves in   room. Especially when they're clearly distraught.

I think I still do that sometimes. I get ill from stress. That's a fact. But sometimes I convince myself that I'm worse than I am. If I don't want to go somewhere, suddenly I'm broken. It's like I've mentally locked a door and wrapped my arms around a pillar. And then if I do get myself out, I'm not really there. When I'm shy, I talk too much. When I'm anxious, I don't talk at all.

But I know this now. I understand it more. And that's the first step to improvement.

P.S. I wrote 25,135 words for April Camp NaNoWriMo. It wasn't my first goal but my secondary goal was 25,000. So even if I could change it and win on the website, I'm considering myself a camp veteran now. I can't wait until the next camp

Speak...Now!!!

Oh tell me, tell me
Why it seems
Things that happen
Aren’t taken seriously

Talking is what goes on
No communication at all
Explaining again and again
Never understanding

Say something to me
How should I reply
Or is it really important
You’ll roll right over it

Listening is good
Using your ears is grand
So why does no one do so
Why can’t it be had

When will I be heard
Do I have to scream
Will it matter when it’s worse
How bad until you see

I can’t talk
And so I lose
Lose my trust, my truth
Lose my everything, lose you

Old poem: I want to say 1.5 years ago but it might have been longer.

I've figure out how to talk. I can say at least half of what I mean now. It isn't always enough. But it's more than before. And people are more understanding and wait for the other half.

Hopefully, I won't lose my truth. Or my people.

Jay Jain's Heart

I see you in my mind
Feel you in my heart
Know that I need you
Fully and in part
Really though
I don't know where to start

All that you do for me
Is too much to explain
Thing that makes me happy
Person who keeps me sane
You make me mad and sad
But mainly you wipe away my pain

You may not know it
But I need you all days
Everything you do
All of your wonderful ways
My love for you shows
My affection plays

When I talk to you
My mind never blanks
Always having fun
Always pulling pranks
All I wanted to say
Was thanks

- CoJa Brown

I wrote this in 2008. I was 13. This was the first poem that I thought was actually good. I guess this would be considered a milestone in my writing ability.

It reminds me of a 13 year old. The message is simple and to the point. It's lighthearted and youthful.

When I read it, I think of the boy I was in love with. And how much I wished I could have just told him this. But I'm not good at sharing my feelings in real life. So I wrote it down and tucked it away. And now it makes me nostalgic for those days.

Not that I want to be 13 again. But I want that breezy emotion of first love. I want the beautiful feeling that comes from being in love without thinking of anything real. Just being who you are. And knowing that the other person accepts you fully.

Journey

I've been a fan of Journey since 2009's Live in Manila. I knew the popular songs all my life. But I randomly decided to tape Live in Manila. And then I'd play it 2-3 times a week while doing homework. Sometimes, I watch the entire three hours (with commercials) and restart it. For months. I think my family got sick of it.

My dad took me to see Tron: Legacy in 2010. And what I remember most about that night is when Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) came on. We look at each other and started whispering the words. After the movie, he said he didn't know I was a Journey fan. I explained that I was a part-time fan but that SWWA was my current favorite.

I was so sad when we got a new cable box and Live in Manila was taken away from me. But I recently found it on YouTube so I'll be okay.

Music Monday inspired me to look into them more. I decided to listen to Journey's entire discography. I started Monday 6th and finished today. (I may have listened to some other music in between).

So this is what the last two weeks have taught me: I LOVE Journey!!!

I don't care what the lineup is. I don't care if a song doesn't have that "Journey" feel.

I grew up hearing the Steve Perry fronted Journey. But the Journey I rediscovered at 14 was fronted by Arnel Pineda. And to me, that's still Journey.

I like that they've had so many lineup changes. It shows how important this is to them. And that they can carry on despite losing members.

And when a song has a different feel, it feels like they're letting us in on another side of them. It's always a bit of a surprise in the pace of the music.

So quick review of each album. I won't use music terms because I can't remember them nor will I use them correctly. I'm leaving out compilation and greatest hits albums.

Journey (Self-titled Debut) - I liked that the focus was on the instruments. Seems like a soundtrack to a dream. Or maybe it's been in my dreams lately.
Favorites - In the Morning Day, In My Lonely Feeling/Conversations, Mystery Mountain

Look into the Future - This album makes me want to dance. It has songs that make me move before I even know it. It's a great album to clean to.
Favorites- On A Saturday Nite, Anyway, I'm Gonna Leave You
       Also, "Carry on Wayward Son" by Kansas has been in my head all week. I only just found out that some think "I'm Gonna Leave You" inspired the main riff. (Used the term because the article says it.)

Next - I don't know if the sound was becoming more solid or if I was just growing with them. But this is the first album I connected with the first time I listened to it. The album was really easy to listen to and focus on the instruments and the vocals.
Favorites - Spaceman, People, Next, Nickel and Dime

Infinity - I love this album! I love how "Feeling That Way" is the perfect song to set up "Anytime". It takes me a moment to get into "Can Do" but it's worth the time.
Favorites - Lights, Anytime, Lă Do Dā, Wheel in the Sky, Can Do

Evolution - This album makes me want to sing. Which is what Journey has always meant to me. This album is the warmest to me, so far. It's like they are playing and singing just for the one listener, whoever they are.
Favorites - Too Late; Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'; City of Angels; Lovin' You Is Easy

Departure - "Any Way You Want It" is pretty much the coolest intro to an album ever! I love the repetition in a few of the songs. It makes it fun to sing along.
Favorites - Any Way You Want It, Someday Soon, People and Places, Where Were You, Stay Awhile

Dream, After Dream - While it has cool sounds, it doesn't really hold my attention. Which was disappointing given that it's a soundtrack to a Japanese movie.
Favorites - Sandcastles, When the Love has Gone

Captured - It's a live album with one new song. But I love it because Steve Perry talking is adorable.
Favorites - The Party's Over (Hopelessly in Love)

Escape - I'm not sure what to say about this album. It holds the largest amount of Journey songs I heard growing up. It's my Journey album, I guess. I like the other songs but my favorites hold my heart.
Favorites - Don't Stop Believin'; Stone in Love; Keep on Runnin'; Still They Ride; Escape; Mother, Father; Open Arms

Frontiers - The first half of the album has my favorite love songs. "SWWA" loyalty. "SHML" care sent through a messenger. "Faithfully" commitment in spite of distance. So much love. The second half of the album has a great sound.
Favorites - Separate Ways (Worlds Apart), Send Her My Love, Faithfully

Raised on Radio - After all that love, this album is a little more sad. But I like that the message is perseverance and eventual success. (You can make it through pain)
Favorites - Be Good to Yourself, Once You Love Somebody, Raised on Radio, I'll Be Alright Without You, It Could Have Been You

Trail by Fire - This album surprised me. It has a different feel to it. Not quite Journey but not far from it. The music is very pretty. And then there was the out of this world "Castle Burning".
Favorites - When You Love A Woman, If He Should Break Your Heart, Castle Burning, Still She Cries, Easy to Fall

Arrival - This album didn't pull me in. My brain was probably getting tired of one group at this point. (I've never listened to mainly one group for this long.) I'll have to come back to it in a month.
Favorites - To Be Alive Again

Red 13 - I liked it. It was a little slower, calmer. I'm not going to choose favorites because it had 4 songs.

Generations - This is my Steve Augeri album. From the first song to the last, it flows beautiful. I didn't want it to end
Favorites - Faith in the Heartland, The Place in Your Heart, Butterfly (She Flies Alone), Knowing That You Love Me, In Self-Defense, Beyond the Clouds, Never Too Late

Revelation - Welcome Arnel Pineda. This album feels like an homage to all the past Journey albums. It feels like the group is fondly looking back and then eagerly looking forward to what will come.
Favorites - Never Walk Away, Change For the Better, Wildest Dream, After All These Years, What I needed, What It Takes to Win, Turn Down the World Tonight

Eclipse - This album has some of the coolest songs ever! I had to keep myself listing all the songs. But I still listed most of them.
Favorites - Someone, She's a Mystery, Human Feel, Edge of the Moment, Chain of Love, Anything is Possible, City of Hope, To Whom It May Concern

SIDE POINT: Neal Schon is the last original member. He's been there since the beginning. Would he be considered the backbone of Journey?

Well, that was fun. I look forward to hearing more from Journey. In the meantime, I'll keep listening to their "old" music. (She says ironically)

Growing

I really meant to do one of the topics this week. Namely, the Media Friday. But yesterday got away from me.

So here's some more musing.

I'm participating in Camp NaNoWriMo. It's like NaNoWriMo only  the writer gets to set their own goal. I set mine at 30,000 words. I'm working on three stories though, so it might go up.

Three stories at once would have seemed weird to me before. And very stressful. But they have a common theme. And I have to write them all as I am now. So I'm not putting a single one on the back burner as I have done in the past. Those stories never get written.

Other than that, I'm enjoying school and work. I'm learning so much. I look forward to putting it into practice.

I'm looking forward to having a real job. Something else that used to scare me because that would mean I was growing up. But I'm starting to believe that I can do the whole adult thing. Crazy, right?

I'm also not so panicked when I think of having a license. Maybe I'll get lessons soon.

P.S. Word count: 18,856

Wait

I don't know why
I say bye instead of goodnight
I don't know why
I suddenly feel like a cry

But please be there
When I figure it out
I want you around
For every laugh out loud

Standstill?

I don't know what to say.

I guess that means I shouldn’t blog. But I promised myself I would blog twice a week and I won't lie to myself again.

I missed Tuesday's poem because I forgot all about it. I will post a poem this Tuesday.

I'm excited that Spring Break is over. But I don't want to go to school.

I've got all these story ideas. But I don't want to tell it wrong.

I want to go out and do things. But I also want to sleep all day.

But I don't want to sleep. The nightmares are getting worse. I don't think I've had a single pleasant dream in two weeks.

I wish I could stay up all night and write, read, watch tv. Anything but sleep.

I'm sick of feeling anxious when I wake up. Anxious over the things my brain has conjured up. I'm sick of feeling anxious as I go to sleep. Anxious about what dreams I might have and how they'll ruin my morning.

I'm glad for the people who make waking up worth it. I'm happy to know these amazing people.

I want to keep moving. And being able to say that is a much better state than I used to be in.

P.S. Lang Leav is my new favorite poet.