Memories of an Early Childhood Trauma

 22 months

Everyone is at dinner. Mom, Dad, Grey (brother, 17 years older), Blue (brother 16 years older), Indigo (sister, 6 years older), Emerald (sister, 4 years older). This never happened. This was different.

And yet, I’m so annoyed.

Their mouths keep moving but no sound comes out. They sit with their mouths wide open, no longer eating. They shake but no sound.

----- ----- -----

27 months

It’s a better day. I can hear a bit today.

Mommy holds my hand as I walk down a long, dark hallway. I’m placed in a chair. The room is dark and cold. Mommy is no longer in sight.

A long, cold metal thing enters my ear. In one, swivel. In the other, swivel. And suddenly, there’s noise everywhere.

Summer wrap up

Sunday reading list

Reading - I should start reading Manta again. I'm just afraid I'll start buying lol

I kissed Shara Wheeler - amazing!

The Director who takes Me to Dinner - Dennis Lee chasing director instead on Dongbaek is an interesting choice. Well the manga came first.

Bongchan Bride - I'm not ready for Giant with a child

Semantic Error

Boyfriends

High Class Homos

No Love Zone - amazing on the 3rd? read 

Under the Oak Tree - I love Ruth. But I'm ready for Rif to come back. Yes, I nicknamed a character. Sue me.

Keeping up with the Cullens - need to read.

Sharing Beatrice - need to read tomorrow. Honestly forgot about it

Boku Girl need to read today

Monday Week Goals

I have some requests for my classroom.

My brother has taken over the chore of laundry.

No missed meds - I'm doing better.

Clean house daily - I wanna at least do dishes.

Stay awake 1200- 1900 every day - I took a nap last week

Shower or bath - I've been doing awesome.

And not so well this week 

Hair!!! And vlogging - I was supposed to debut a few weeks ago. But I'm hoping by the time school starts.

Write - 10 works in progress. Not allowed to force myself to finish any until September.

Watch shows - I finished A Boss and A Babe late.

Watching this week:

Go!

HSMTMTS

Heartstoppers

Read - I need to turn in my reading lists

Listen to music - over 400 songs last week. I'll note them all 6/19. Might make a blog out of them all. Just to see.

Okay. Listing might be this week if I can do a bunch of it tomorrow.

Blog - currently doing.

#100daysofcontentmentrinjinthom was dropped. I dropped #100daysofcontentmentrinjinx2

I'm just going to post pics at the end of this month.

Tuesday Trans Promote

TW: death of a parent, S.I.

1) EtJ is fully edited. Lizzie is a scholarship orphan who is invited by the founders to stay with them for 10 weeks. She is from their town and has dissociative amnesia after her mother died when she was 8. Her oldest friend, turned crush, is going to be her bodyguard. He's trans. But the story resolves around her.

Just finished posting Chapter 25 wardrobe pics.

2) Power of Three saga has 4 volumes out of 5 complete. As It Was, As It Wasn't, As It Could Have Been, As It Should Have Been. Beta reading stage. Its about triplets Jain, Tenielle, Aimee. They are raised Jehovah's Witnesses so their trauma builds as the story goes on. They have a discussion at 3 about wanting to die. Major volume 1 spoiler: the mom dies when they are 8. (Are you noticing a pattern?)

Jain's best friend, turned boyfriend is Sam. She's the only one who calls him by his full chosen name Samuel. Tenielle is a bit of a bookworm who has a rocky relationship with Declan, Sam's older step brother. Aimee just loves being around friends and family. She dances to release emotions. She doesn't talk about them or dwell on them.

Power of Three: book 5. AISB or Aii. Chapter 4 now. Giving up on 8/15/23 goal. I'll finish when I finish. Maybe this year. Maybe not.

Paused until September

I need to cast As Is saga.

3) TiMit is a romance about football/baseball campers who are in a secret relationship. So secret that when their parents get surprised married, they break up without anyone but 1 best friend knowing. (Their parents also died before they were 9 years old.) Complete.

4) Powerless Against the Gay. Ftm Peter and teen all pronouns Loki just went on their first date. Steve, Bucky, and Thor found out they are mates. Tony run away when Bruce 

Complete

5) Purple's DR & RA is a bit more autobiographical than usual. Going far into my past. Me at age 14 in an alternate universe with age 27 memories.

P'sDR&RA - began 5/1/23. We already hate Ken's family.

Paused until September

6) SinG is Cole and Ri realizing that some people can handle your secrets. They redefine their lives.

Finish 6/22/23 - might not.

V4 P1 ✔️ P2, 3 ✔️, 4 ✔️, 6, V5 P 1, 2. Writing V5 P 3, 4, 5, and Epilogue

Paused until September

7) Enby RR is going well. I'm on the third notebook. It's Tenielle's continuation of SinG. So it's a fanfiction of a book I wrote by a character I've written, by another character I've written. Writing ception.

Enby RR: typing every 3 days.

I finished typing the first notebook. Hoping to finish the second notebook by 6/17/23. That didn't happen. Maybe 7/4/23

Puased writing until September

Hope to finish typing 8/31/23

8) VAULT is full story poly!

Began 5/1/23 - writing daily. Not really 1 or 2 days hopefully.

Paused until September

9) WPLT: focused on finishing the first notebook before I start writing again. 

Finished the first notebook. Typing second one.

Paused writing until September

10) J/E/B is a Pride & Prejudice inspired Twilight story. Jacob is Darce. Edward/Bella, Elizabeth Bennet. Edward is nonbinary.

Everyone is matching up with P&P character really well. 

I finished the secret chapter. It's full corn.

Still writing a bit

Picked up Monday 6/5/23:

11) Pride: Your Way

I reread but I need to catch up on the show where I am in the story.

12) How I Loved You

Reread all 20 parts. Working on ages 15 - 22. Haven't actually thought of those memories in a while so it will be tough. Wrote 1 scene at 19. Probably all I will write this week.

Picked back up

13) Powerless Part 2

Started 7/30/23

14) My Heart/Untitled

Word count for month of July: 39,000

Friday Media Share

Music:

Miley Cyrus - 1.5 albums left. I ✨️have✨️ listened since last week. Just not much

I haven't listened in over 2 months

Release Radar - listening right now

Discover Weekly - had some epic songs this week

I got music blends on Spotify with some potential partners and 3 friends. It's fun to see wherever music taste meets up.

Not any partners any more.

Watching:

Go! Viva a tu Manara - on season 2 episode 4, I believe. The rewatch rating is 10/10 so far.

A Boss and A Babe - the finale wasn't as emotional as it would have been if I watched on time

Roommates of Poongduck 304 - Chaebol did ✨️not✨️ have a gay/queer panic. He just accepted that he was interested in a guy.

Haven't watched in a week.

Haven't watched in months.

Self-love Revolution

I need to buy this book

The dedication:

For every girl who has felt ugly, wrong, bad, weak - you are beautiful, you are right, you are good, you are powerful beyond imagination.

#7 of 9 points that explode beauty standards:

It is not your job to be beautiful

Health at every size - HAES

Is people never pronouncing your name correctly a microaggression? It comes from inside the house too.

John Harvey Kellogg was a clean eating advocate. Keeping your body clean helped keep your soul clean - from sex!

And their world views and spiritual beliefs were beyond most white men's comprehension.

Nine gross characteristics of diet culture

#1 you learn about diet culture when you're a kid

#4 you learn to compliment people if they look like they've lost weight - and to have minimal concerns about how it happened.

Ch 7 Why is my family always talking about my body?

#3 they ate being inappropriate and controlling

Remember: you have the right to set boundaries and communicate with your family around what you need to feel safe I your body.

Self-love is about recognizing and accepting that you are precious and valuable.

Stuff to say to trolls

Chapter 10 I'm tired of hating myself... so how do I love myself?

Forty quick things you can do to develop self-love

#4 get rid of your "skinny" jeans

Just for that I'm putting them on my shopping list for fall

#14 say out loud as often as possible: "I'm valuable and sacred"

#15 write a love letter to your body

#16 light a little candle, and for the entire time it burns, think or write down nice things about yourself until it goes out

#18 don't date or have crushes on people who are homophobic, transphobic, fatphobic, or racist

#19 watch shows and movies that portray all kinds or people in empowering and positive ways

#33 come up with a secret thing that makes you feel like yourself or makes you feel grounded.

#35 watch movies and social media with a critical lense. Notice who the main characters and who the villains are, and ask yourself why. Notice how people of different races, sizes, and economic backgrounds are portrayed, and ask yourself why.

#36 experiment with different lengths of hair, growing out body hair, and how you dress

#37 focus on communicating what you want and need.

#38 listen yo music that makes you feel seen and heard

#39 talk to yourself the way you'd talk to someone you really love. That means no more insults or name-calling.

I'm a fool bitch. Try to stop me!

#40 recognize that it's okay to have bad days when you're really down on yourself. You didn't fail! Remind yourself that you didn't choose to learn crappy (body) ideals

Part three

Be you, not what someone else thinks you should be

Chapter 12 say no at least once a day

Alternatively, personally, say yes at least once a day

Chapter 13 - going into sixth grade increased dieting from "regular dieting". Does the author mean their normal eating or their average diet that happened repeatedly through life?

Healthy and thin are not the same thing

Learn the basics of a new language 

Write everyone you know a note telling the how amazing they are

Chapter 15 find your allies

People who:

Genuinely want you to thrive and succeed

You trust

Do what they can to make sure you are safe and successful

Where you live and hang out. Your not chosen community, NCC. Some become CC, chosen community. Some don't. 

"Because my boyfriend was a straight white dude, he was able to feel comfortable in most places because we live in a culture that was built to make him feel comfortable. I, on the other hand, do not feel comfortable in many places, because we live in a culture that wasn't built to make me feel comfortable. 

He was afraid of my umbrella because it made him feel like an outsider (my personal add, stand out and a target because no one else had one). I'm used to feeling like an outsider - whether I have a bright umbrella covered in dogs open or not.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who wore tight neon pants or a silver-sequined jumpsuit.

When I was in middle and high school, everything in my closet was pretty much the same color. The most adventurous color in my wardrobe was dark blue.

Random thoughts on my cult upbringing

 1) Just went shopping for the bubs birthday tomorrow. The fact that we weren't going to get them anything 😬😬 speaks to being raised in a cult.

I have yet to receive a birthday present. But better for the next generation!

There's a party on their birthday tomorrow but it's for their friend. Hopefully we can make the time after the party special for them.

2) I'm on volume 3 of my 5 volume series about being trans/gay/queer and raised a witness.

Someone read a chapter where one of the triplets, Jain, learns about Spock/Kirk fanfiction, tells her trans boyfriend about a Vulcan kiss they can do at school without getting in trouble with one of her triplet sisters, and his brother outs them as a couple to their friends, in a nice way. And everyone pretty much says, if it's a secret, why tell us but we'll hide it.

The person who read it told me they cried and they wanted to read more. The goal of the chapter was definitely not to male people cry. But it was nice to see them relate to it so much.

3) Thanks. I was raised in a cult. There wasn't much I would have been encouraged to read. So I started writing at 14 for young people to have "safe" things to read.

I wrote 3 books but only ever felt connected to 1 character in all of them. When I escaped, I decided to take all my stories and do a "Make It Queer" series.

Now I feel connected to my characters.

4) Considering I was barely allowed to wear miniskirts at home when I got into Star Trek at 12, I thought it was highly feminist and daring.

5) I have BPD, ADD, and Autism. I think it's trauma from being bullied by my siblings up to 16 years older than me and having to limit my needs from my mom dying for 4 years. Then escaping the cult proved to me that no one lasts forever.

6) Also in the Bible Belt. Yesterday I went to a birthday party possibly at a house I knocked on for th ministry when I was in. The house next door for sure. But the house I was in felt familiar too.

I was like JWs would call me pagan for being at my first birthday party ever. AND it's a house I tried to convert? Awesome!

7) I'm sorry to hear that. The one time me and my bestie wrestled, like legit wrestled no homosexual undertones, we were caught. And my aunt told her dad we needed to always be under adult supervision. He thought that was pathetic and didn't do so. Like how could he when we had sleepovers?

8) 3 sisters in the neighboring congregation for our double hall pressured me to medicate my little one. Said Jehovah would like me to stay at meeting and they do it all the time.

I never took them back. I went like 3 more times. My best friend/roommate 2 more times after me. And then after 2 months, I told her I wasn't going back. She said she had a boyfriend. I worried that we would stop talking and need to find new places to live. She said it wasn't a witness and she'd kept it secret from me, fearing I'd judge her.

Sooooo glad my little one didn't have any effects from mixed meds. Sooooo annoyed I didn't even know their names but gave in. But also grateful their actions had the opposite result of their intent.

9) Hahaha 

After 3 years put, I still sing the line "Stay Awake, Stand Firm, Grow Mighty" whenever I get really tired while doing something I need to do. Like I conditioned myself to do at meeting.

I still fell asleep at meetings. Now I laugh so hard, I wake up.

10) I asked my brother if "forgetting our cult upbringing, would our parents be disappointed that you are socially a boy, after trying for a decade for a girl? Even considering they got 1.3 girls after that."

He laughed and said if he "came out at 3 maybe as our middle sister was only 1 at the time and Rina wasn't born yet. But mostly they would be confused as it was the 90s and our parents were born in late 50s."

Wow mom

1) I feel that. I don't even know any of my non jw family. My mom kept them in my life. But as soon as she died, we never visited again. I think because my aunts and uncle can't keep quiet about their faith but my mom would only mention it politely, not trying to convert.

2) Thank you. I'm mostly okay with it. Because of watching her suffer. And of course there was the hope of seeing her again. I'm not really sure what I believe now. Maybe in the universe reusing energies. So one day our energies will connect again. I jut wish I had her for the sexual assault and my brother's abuse.

3) I wish my mom had had time to learn and then teach me sign language since my hearing was intermittent until I was 2. I guess I just learned not to ask for anything. Wonder if it affected me at all /s 🙃🙃🙃

4) Makes sense. As a former child of a parent in college, they love the time you spend together. 

I'm not sure what degree my mom got. She was in college from me being 3-7. And I'm pretty sure she took college classes. And she didn't work. She also had cancer for 75% of college.

I remember she went to sleep last, well besides me staring at her once she was asleep due to my insomnia. She woke up first. She was always reading.

But she spent her lunch time taking me to speech therapy 3 times a week. And would spend any extra time, taking ms to the farm on her campus and telling me about animals. She talked to me whenever I would interrupt her while studying.

Her future was a priority. But I still mattered. Your child watches and knows

Random Thoughts on my Trans identity

1) 

Right?! Like puberty blockers should be accepted by ALL mental health professionals. Hell, let's give our cis children puberty blockers. That way bullying for growing "too fast" or "too slow" will stop.

2)

Literally no. I knew I wasn't cis without knowing that people could be trans. That was at age 3. When I wanted to break out of preschool and get hit by a car. Or kidnapped, raped, and killed.

Because that would have been better than being raised a certain gender.

3)

I'm not doing anything to children. No one is doing anything to children. Children are coming up to their families, after thinking about it for hours, days, weeks, months, years. And saying I am unhappy in my body.

Refusing them blockers, which as I said are reversible, kills them. Your opinion is killing children.

I don't hate you. I just want you to stop telling me that I didn't think the way I did as a child. That is manipulation and gaslighting. I hope for your children's sake they are all cisgender. And don't run away at 18 to be safe.

4)

I would say that my transness is a mental disability. I'm perfectly happy the way I am. Like my ASD diagnosis.

But it won't kill me like my Bipolar ii and BPD can.

Animals do not socially transition. Physical transitions are most often permanent but AGAIN, children aren't allowed to physically transition under the age of 18. Often not until they are over 22.

I'm down for setting the transition age at 25 when the frontal vortex is fully developed. However, letting a 3 year old socially transition will not prohibit them from detransition at 10 or 13 or 17. And if they transition 10 times, it's fine.

It is much better than a 7 year old killing themselves. THAT is permanent.

5)

My dead name is from a movie title my mom watched while pregnant with me. I had a similar life to the one described in the movie.

6)

I like T'ya'la from Star Trek. It means "friend, brother, lover". But it doesn't have to be all three. In my opinion for Spock and Kirk it does. But other people feel it just means friend, brother.

Another I like is nae salam. It means my person in Korean. I just love the slight ownership and implication that this person is different than everyone else. I'm not entirely sure how to use it in my poly life.

7)

I feel so bad for the girls going through 2nd puberty and calling us out on never telling them. I think I just accepted it within 2 months of having them and never thought of it again.

Now I'm wondering if my chest is why I had to go to physical therapy for lower back pain in 8th grade. I can't imagine growing to be an i cup again.

8)

You don't have to believe the same as me. But you could be polite and not press your beliefs on me. Kindly ignore me now. Bye!

You are wildly entertaining after all. Even if I showed you my birth certificate, told you how happy my family was to have a 3rd daughter after 2 boys and 2 girls, and how much my first period surprised me, you still wouldn't believe I could be assigned female at birth and still be trans.

9)

That's fair. Considering how hard gender is for me, while I'm 27 and quintgender, I can't even imagine a cis person from the 50s.

My mom and dad were born in 57. I think my mom would have an easier time than my dad.

10)

Then he read my post about coming out. He literally asked "are you 5 people?" And doesn't understand how that's transphobic as he thought it was a mental health thing. Which in my opinion still isn't the way to ask. His tone didn't say "explain it to me." It said "now what?

11)

I knew my brother for 25 years as one name. I haven't deadnamed him since he came out over a year ago.

The child who gave me my name, I deadname occasionally because I haven't talked to them in 21 months. But I always correct myself.

My childhood friend who changed from a nickname for his middle name to his full legal name, I have deadnamed when telling stories about him under 20. Never deadnamed him to his face. And he was very gracious during the transition stage. Also he's cisgender so it's not as pressing, personally.

It does happen. I dead gender myself the most. But repeating the correct name after is loving and trying.

Top 50 country songs

Wait in the truck don't support murder but understand the emotions. Top tier lyrics, melody, and singing.

Last night interesting. Drunk tell all.

The kind of love we make adore this video. Nice voice and lyrics as expected from Luke Combs.

Thank God Kane Brown is such a nice addition to country music. I'm pleased to find out there's a wife! Katelyn Brown, you going to become the most famous black female country singer? More here for the couple than the worship.

Rock and a hard place have to admit. Wasnt listening close to the lyrics but love the melody.

Heart like a truck is such a country girl song. Country girls get dirty and they are built strong.

Love you anyway asks a good question. Would I love someone again if I knew they would break my heart? I would just like Luke. I'd rather have the good feeling and memories even though the pain.

Thought you should know Morgan Wallen has had like 6 songs on this playlist. Has he taken over country? I like his voice.

Jolene Olivia owned! this song. I love Dolly as a person but I haven't taken the time to be a music fan.

The Git up I FUCKING love this song. I need more Blanco Brown in my life.

I hope this is one of the most classic and iconic revenge songs.

What he didn't do this video! She looks amazing and the vibes are just there! I like the idea of her not speaking about what he did but what he missed as a good partner.

Human always ready for a Cody Johnson song. Automatic fave.

5 foot 9 is a beautiful song to dedicate to a specific girl. But I'll forget the exact height for the God and angel lyrics.

Be like that Kane Brown is blessing country music.

Next thing you know Jordan Davis, where have you been my whole life? Probably growing up and gaining life stories to sing about. Awesome. Welcome!

Bartender - Rehab - awesome beat. He going to get caught.

Going, going, gone Luke Combs. I checked who it was. Of course, it was Luke. His storytelling is amazing.

Travelin' soldier Cody Johnson! His voice.

Need a favor Jelly Roll is SUCH a name

Tennessee orange such a cute betrayal to her home state

Son of the dirty south sounds like a Brantley Gilbert but the Jelly Roll fake out was amazing. This is the beginning of a new generation of country music

SOLD OUT HARDY is damn sexy. He's heavy metal screaming in a country song. His voice is perfect in every version. Great lyrics.

JACK this song has a solemn feel to it. Back to the heavy metal vibe! This is about alcohol, right?

Lol, yes.

You didn't Brett Young! I wish this was all guys reaction to not getting the girl

If he wanted to he would where was this song when I was 21, 22? It still wouldn't have saved my delusion. But it would have been nice.

Cold Chris Stapleton's voice is amazing!

Soul the lyrics and the mv! Melody - ftw.