ARFID

Mental Health Awareness week was 12 days ago.

It's been a month of mental health for me. I started blogging again. I've been writing quotes and short recounts of pain. I went to a forum yesterday called "Breaking the Silence." It was nice to hear stories from others and to hear the enthusiasm for gaining understa5fnding on mental health.

I have come to accept two more disorders. I still have to talk to my doctors but I can pretty safely say I have Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder and Nightmare Disorder.

I avoid eating. I tell myself I can eat later. I restrict the foods I eat. I have about 50 safe foods so I'm better off than most people with the disorder. I have foods I have trouble looking at, even think about. My throat will start closing up and I get anxious.

But I make myself get food when I can. I force myself to eat just a little more. I'm trying to figure out what foods I can always eat. 100% safe foods. My physician told me not to go under 120. I don't know what's going to happen if I do. Right now that's 1 pound away. A 1 pound buffer, if you will. Can I keep from losing that safety net?

I was really worried about my weight from 6-9 y/o. I was in the 60s for about 2.5 years. I was terrified I'd never gain weight. That I would look gross. That I wouldn't grow correctly. That I wouldn't be average height or weight. I was used to being average.

I remember going shopping with my mom. I would choose foods that looked good to me. She'd ask about things I usually ate and I'd say no.

One memory from 2nd grade haunts me.

Mom: Purple Owl, get your backpack and come to the dining room.

Purple Owl looks at her backpack and sighs. School, again.

Purple Owl: Here I am. Do I have to go?

Mom: Yes. Here's your lunch.

Purple Owl takes the bag and opens it. Ew, a sandwich, fruit, and juice box.

Purple Owl: I don't want this.

Mom: Purple Owl, you need to eat.

Purple Owl: But I can't eat this.

Mom: Do you have your lunch ticket?

Purple Owl nods.

Mom: You can take the lunch and then you'll have two choices.

Purple Owl: But what if I don't want either?

Sisters: Mom, we're ready.

Mom, packing her bag: Okay girls. We'll be right there. Purple Owl, you have to eat something. We talked about this. You want to gain weight. You promised you'd eat lunch everyday.

Purple Owl's eyes light up.

Purple Owl: I want a Slim Fast.

Mom: They’re for weight loss or management. It's for adults. You don't need it.

Purple Owl: You've let me have some before. And if the serving size is for adults, it's different for children.

Mom: You promise to drink it?

Purple Owl bobs her head up and down.

Purple Owl: Yes. It's yummy.

Mom: And you're not taking it just to be like me?

Purple Owl shakes her head and entire body.

Purple Owl: No. It makes me hungry but it's also filling. I want to drink it.

Mom: Okay you can take it. Put the lunch bag in the fridge. Maybe you'll have it as a snack.

Purple Owl opens the pantry and chooses a chocolate Slim Fast. She makes room for it in her school bag. Purple Owl puts the lunch in the fridge. She wrinkles her nose. Not eating that today.

She skips to the living room and joins her family.

The lunch lady asked me three times if that's all I had for lunch. I think she thought my mom was neglectful, forcing me to diet, or unaware of dietary needs. She didn't know that my mom just wanted me to eat something, anything. She didn't know that I fought for the Slim Fast.

As for Nightmare Disorder, I thought everyone had nightmares, especially children. I blamed it on an overactive imagination and any intense movie or story. I didn't know that 1 to 3 bad dreams a night was a problem. I didn't know that remembering dreams for years was odd.

I have about 6 recurring dreams that started at some point in childhood or adolescence. A few years will go by between them. And each time they come back, it's like I'm welcoming an old friend. As I squeeze myself into a ball and wrap up in my blankets, I feel slightly comforted recalling the details. At least my dreams always have my back. They always want to visit.

Is that a normal way to relax from nightmares? Well it's my way. And it's not like I can go talk to someone about my bad dream in the middle of the night. Talk about my fear of going back to bed. Talk about my fear of what my brain is going to think up next.

I know about these disorders now. I'll work to get more information on them. I'll work to understand what they mean for me. And I can work with my doctors and others to find ways to face them head on. And that's a better place than I was in before.

Worst Day of 2015 - 10/14/15

So far this year I've dislocated my knee, had a reaction to medication, dreamt I was assaulted, and had a major withdrawal.

But today was the worst day of the year.

So yesterday I slept in by accident. And then I laid in bed for more than 2 hours, not wanting to live, let alone think about school projects. I had an okay day, once again not accomplishing or eating all I wanted to. And then, I had to spend time with people. People I love but don't understand me. By the end of day, I was wondering if I'm the weirdest person on the planet or an alien. I'm different and a waste.

Anyway, I was up until 1am getting ready for school. Then my meds and night routine. And off to bed.

I woke up at 5:30 am to a hazy version of my repeat assault dream. I got down from bed and started my morning routine. Drinking water I hate to start my metabolism and prepare for the heat. Eating though I don't want to. Packing food I won't want to eat. Getting my bags ready for a school day and project I don't want to go through. Trying to find clothes that fit the temperature throughout the day and my body that's wasting itself away.

I got to the bus stop, 85% convinced today would be good. Had a nice enough conversation with a guy about what time the bus was coming. And started listening to my beautiful music. The bus came. I got on.

Three minutes into the ride, I realized I couldn't do it and closed my eyes. (My sleep aid was probably still kicking in.) Music, breathing, and waiting for my stop.

Off the bus now, I went across the street and put more money on my card. Trying not to think about my account amount. Sitting, waiting, and reminding myself to breath. When the bus finally came, I sat down and immediately closed my eyes. I got off soon enough, my knee hurting form the harsh stop.

Up to my classroom, not caring about stares for mouthing and gesturing along to my music. Smiling at my teacher and sitting in the classroom with 5 other people. Putting out water and tea I didn’t want to drink but would force myself to. My headphones stayed on. My music is my lifeline, my central gravity. I did some class reading. Decided to get my grades before class, like everyone else.

Class was good as usual. My teacher is wonderful. Only problem being students not majoring in child development complaining about the discussion topic. I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. (Like everything.)

Realized after class that I really should follow through with asking my 1st teacher for the last thing I needed in my 2nd class' first aid kit. "It's just borrowing." "She's a really nice person." "The fact that you failed to obtain this one thing isn't going to ruin her opinion of you." She didn't have it. Slightly stressed (about a project I didn't care about yesterday). But talking to her made me happy. She's a nice part of my day.

Off to my next class. Started a waffle sandwich because I hadn't eaten in 2.5 hours. Forced myself to eat half. Very worried about this 20/300 point project. (If you're going to do something, you have to do it right. Right?) And then, we don't even start with it. But that's alright. My teacher is fun to listen to and very informative. My tablemates are engaging. The grading waited until the end of class.

Then I realized I didn't plan how I was get home. Found 2 buses with the least walking. (Knee hurts, after all. Want to just cut it off. And wearing full length jeans in 90+ degree weather.) But it wasn't coming for 50 minutes. Waited on campus. Music. Continued reading. Started doing my hair to do something with my hands (even though I don't believe in doing hair in public. It's amazing what you get over when you're out of energy to care). Off campus to my bus stop with my hair 70% done. Waited 20 minutes mainly in the sun. Worried my phone may die. (40% scares me while I'm out of the house.)

1st bus was 15 minutes late. Rode listening to music trying not to panic about missing my 2nd bus. Trying to convince myself to get off at my stop and not ride until wherever. (After all, I had work.)

But the 2nd bus was also late. So it was okay. Waiting in the sun, drinking juice and chewing jum. (I'm developing an oral fixation.) I got on the bus, glad I put more money on my card than I had originally planned. Once on the bus, I realized I was sweating too much (minor withdrawal and overheating). I didn't have much left.

Got off the bus. Saw my house and kept my eye on it as I tried to just get inside. Upstairs, in house, took apart my bags, and took a nap.

Woke up 3 times from a horrible food guilt related nightmare. I was having trouble breathing. Couldn't tell if it was physical or mental but it didn't matter. I was late for work. Got dressed on the coolest thing I could find, got water, and left.

I walked down the street singing my favorite calming and reassuring song. Tried to relax, turned the corner and fought a panic attack. Can't have an attack with a child (#1 fear). "Put it off."

Both of us were a little off so it wasn't as enjoyable as usual. As I walked home I told myself to just get home. It didn't work, completely.

Crying on the street has always been another big fear. And today it was realized. Twice.

Straight to the bathroom, ignoring my sister. Cleaned up, calmed down, went out and apologized. She understood. We sat together for a moment. I got a cold pack for my head and went to bed to lay down and relax. Up 30 minutes later, picked out comfortable clothes that make me feel less disgusted with my body. Cold shower, repacked my food and bag. And out I went.

I took my hair out as I walked. I changed my mind about having it up. ("So did I waste that energy earlier, the precious calories?") I smiled at an older lady because smiles are contagious and she has earned a right to joy by surviving life so long. (Is it narcissistic to think of my own smile as a gem? It's only because people tell my it's cute.)

And at this point I realized I was overreacting. Yeah the week, month, year (lifetime) hasn't been going according to plan. But moping isn't going to help. Worrying about my lack of energy (calories and patience), possible panic attacks, and bouts of misery isn't going to delay any of it.

Both my charge and I were more conversational. I enjoyed the time.

I had dinner with friends. (My excitement had been going back and forth all day.) I had fun.

I came home and got to be truly alone for the first time today. Peacefully and unstressed alone, favorite music and my phone.

Once people came home, there were moments I was unhappy with the conversations. But I was ready. Finally.

So yes, it was the worst day of this year. Yes, a couple of my biggest fears were realized or close to it. And yes, the bad part of the day takes up most of the space but I'm here.

And at the moment, don't mind being alive. What more can I ask for?

If I can make it through today, I can make it through any day.

10/15/15 update: wasn't so neutral about being alive most of the day. Woke up continuously for 3 hours with nightmares. Weak all day, physically and emotionally. I was so sure I would faint at some point. A period, 400 calories, and lots of walking will do that to you. But today (well, Friday morning at 0:31), I'm kinda liking existing. Hope I wake up feeling the same.

Snapshot of Purple Owl - 9/28/15

1) I love myself the most. I hate myself the most.
2) I had two invisible identical sisters when I was under 13. I knew they weren't real and I only thought of them when I was bored. I invented "Pink" at 4 y/o. "Periwinkle" was created at 7 y/o because "Pink's" personality wasn't for me anymore. I gave up on them when I was 9 y/o and reading all the time. The only time we all interacted was when I remembered them at 13. I did a craft project with my mirror sisters and their input. I showed them my new room and my organization system. I disliked being the 5th child. I disliked being without a partner. But it was my first attempt at creating characters so they are a fond memory.
3) Disorders:
Chronic Depression
Insomnia
Generalized Anxiety, Panic and Social Anxiety
4) Self Diagnosed:
ARFID
Nightmare Disorder
Cireadian Rhythm Sleep-Wake Disorder (desired sleep times 2-5 am & 2-5 pm)
Separation Anxiety Disorder (I hate being away from people I've deemed "safe")
5) Poser, Rebel, Determined to be Different:
Names hurt. And I wish I knew how to be "common." ... Well, not really. But it would be easier.
6) I get attached to people, places, and objects incredibly too fast. (Give me all the nouns. Lol)
7) I'm still afraid of driving.
8) There's an employee at my local Jack in the Box (fave fast food) who knows I order chocolate sauce in my root beer float. And I don't know if that makes me ashamed or proud. For now, proud.
9) Strange habits:
Fries in milkshakes (common right?)
Hot cheetos in icing
Chips in yogurt
Meat/Tomato Sauce over Steamed Broccoli
Apple & Cashews (like a Candy Apple, yum)
I can't go anywhere without an undershirt.
I always put the heaviest bag on my left side.
10) Childish Habits:
Hot milk before bed
Two security blankets - 1 for home, 1 for public
New clothing becomes a comfort for weeks.
New outerwear becomes a security source for months.
11) I love watching adaptations and parodies to see how the writers adjust stories and scenarios to fit their needs.
12) I feel most comfortable with children.
13) I want to write for a living but I don't think I'll ever be confident enough for that. So for now, I want to work with children and write for myself.
14) I love music. My favorite songwriter is Martin Johnson. My favorite voices are Steve Perry, Arnel Pineda, Jon Bon Jovi, Adam Levine, Kim Jonghyun and Lee Jinki. I pretty much love every "boy band" from Beatles to Seventeen.
15) I believe that, no matter what, one's goal should be to make others' day better.
16) 9/27 & 9/29 are my least favorite days.
The 27th reminds me of what I haven't accomplished.
The 29th makes me paranoid that I won't accomplish anything in the coming year and be back to the 27th.
17) Therefore, I determine that it doesn't matter how I feel waking up on the 28th, I will be happy with myself by the end of the day. I spend the day doing as much as I can, of what I need to and want to do. I force myself to think positively all day.
18) This is my last year as a late adolescent.
19) I dislike getting close to people. When I feel our relationship becoming stronger, I get scared. I'm afraid that I won't be someone they want. That my people will dislike who I really am. And that they'll all change their minds.
20) I hate myself the most. I love myself the most.

*21. This year reinforced my belief that the hardest and best thing is to be yourself. It was difficult to see myself through the disorders, medication, injuries, and obstacles. But I did. The most clearly I saw was 9/27 & 9/28. 19 year old Purple Owl, you were beautiful, inside and out. Let's see where my 21st year takes me.

Returning to My World

I don't trust words.

I love words so much. I love the way they look. I love how they’re sung. And I love what they mean. When their definition is black and white.

But when they can easily be confused or ignored, I don't like them anymore. And depending on which words you put before or after each one, you can mean something else entirely.

I learned what basic anorexia means the other day. It means a long-term lack of appetite. I've always tied it to anorexia nervosa, the eating disorder. It was disturbing to see anorexia listed in connection to suicidal ideation when I didn't know it existed. I'd never been aware that a lack of appetite was something to be aware of or tell the doctor.

I'm trying to get myself to eat. But I think my medication is adding to the slight lack of appetite I've had for years. I'll talk to my physician and psychologist. I need to go back to therapy and work on my feelings about my body actually working against survival.

Speaking of my physician, I have to get a new one again. I have to meet someone and tell them all about myself. If this was two months ago, I wouldn't care. But right now, I don't want to do it. Which is why I have yet to make an appointment.

In addition to going through the process of meeting someone new, I have to explain my knee situation. How am I going to tell a stranger I've given up and want to get surgery? I've only told one person in real life. How am I supposed to tell someone who doesn't know or understand me and my circumstances?

But still I'll do it. I'll get surgery if the timing is right and I'll have a clean slate soon. With my knee, my lack of appetite, and my mental state. And maybe, maybe if I work extra hard a clean slate with words.

Soon I'll use them in their black and white, as well as gray, forms. I'll stop waiting for people to read between the lines. I'll start saying the words that are hard to say.

I'm not going to hope that more people understand me because I've been hoping for a decade. And it hurts. I'll just trust the words to carry my meaning to their recipient. Any misunderstanding that happens after that is not my fault.

P.S. Sorry the post is all over the place. I just had a lot I haven't been able to say.

Update: Since I originally wrote this, I found out I can continue going to my old physician. I left that part in because it displays my thought process and fears.

Jaded: Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Did he just say…?" I trail off.

"Yeah. He did. Lizzie, are you okay?" Chloe asks.

The spotlight goes out and I sit down.

"I don't even know what that means. Like, why didn't they ask me? What do I do now?"

"I don't know. But I think it's something pretty big since every eligible young man is coming this way."

I look and see 15 guys coming toward me.

Where were all these guys before dinner?

"Hi, Elizabeth would you like to dance?"

"Ms. Gent dance with me."

I try to focus on the faces but there's too many voices.

"Lizzie, come on." Cameron says, pulling me up.

"I thought I told you to dance with Miranda."

"I was going to. But you looked overwhelmed. So I'll dance this song with you."

"Thank you."

"So what does one do as a ward?"

"No idea. I guess I'll find out."

He nods and we continue dancing.

My life isn't changing. I'm still me. I can deal with this.

'Ms. Gent, there's a photo shoot. Follow me." A woman says.

I smile at Cameron and he smiles back.

I see flashes ahead. We enter a conference room. I'm not speaking if someone asks me a question.

The woman motions me to stand between the Simm sisters and brothers. More flashes.

We do every combination possible. I take a picture with each sibling. Flash, flash, light and sound.

Just when I'm getting frustrated, someone asks a question.

"I'm sorry. This isn't an interview. We gave you the exclusive. Lizzie will answer questions at another time." Delilah says.

Lizzie will do nothing of the sort. But I take that as permission to leave.

I can't process any of this.

I enter the dance hall and look for Jenn. She's dancing with one of the guys I ran from.

I don't want to ruin her night. But I want to talk to someone familiar. Finn.

"Hello again, Ms. Gent." George says, putting his hand on my back.

No, this is wrong!

"Pretty big announcement. I'd like to discuss it while dancing."

"Look for gossip with someone who enjoys showy vacations and wasting away their semesters."

I walk away. I stop at my table and close my eyes for a moment.

I look up and see Finn. He smiles weakly. I walk across the dance floor.

“May I have this dance?” I ask.

Finn looks at Timothy and he nods.

“Of course.” He says taking my hand.

We begin waltzing and once again my feet know what to do. I look up from Finn’s suit and make eye contact with him. We hold eye contact until he looks away. The next time I look back, he’s staring at me again. The song changes and I pause.

“Just follow my lead, Eliza.” He whispers.

I nod and start dancing again.

I wonder if I should say something. People talk while they dance. Is this weird? Does Finn find this weird?

I look up and meet his beautiful brown eyes. I smile and forget what I was going to say.

“Thank you everyone for attending the benefit. Have a nice night.” The MC says.

I can hear people clapping but Finn and I keep dancing. The orchestra starts up again and we adjust our tempo. I look at Finn. Dancing with him is completely different than dancing with anyone else. I don’t feel like I have to pretend. Finn’s head turns and he meets my eye. I immediately look down.

The song changes. I still feel his eyes on me.

“Eliza?”

“Finn, why have you been staring at me?”

“Because I don’t want to look away. There’s no one I’d rather look at while dancing with you.”

“Why aren’t we talking?”

“Do we have to talk?” Finn asks confused. “It’s not like we just met.”

“I-I.”

The song ends.

“Excuse me.” I say, curtseying.

I walk away before he even bows in return.

“What a nice couple. They look good together.”

“They do but the ward and the help? And she snubbed Charles Moore.”

“But what was she before? She is a SOS after all.”

I think I found Macey’s future friends. I let myself out on the terrace.

“You know, this is a dangerous place to be without service.”

I turn around and see Timothy Campbell.

“So I’ve heard, Mr. Campbell but I have yet to see anything scary.”

“You’d be surprised how people react to what they call privileged brats.”

I sway and put a hand on the balcony. But not before Timothy Campbell supports my other arm.

“I’m fine, Mr. Campbell. I’m just a little light headed from the excitement.” I say, so he doesn’t notice how his words affected me.

I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

“Well, I’ll turn you over to your security then. Or did you mean to run out while he’s frozen on the dance floor?”

I look through the doors and see Finn on the edge of the dance floor staring at the terrace doors. Michelle makes her way to him.

“Mr. Campbell, I respect your law of conduct.”

“My law of conduct? I take it Finn has told you the rules.” I nod. “I’m glad it made an impact on you both. However, that’s not the reason I’m against your relationship progressing.”

There’s something else?

“Lizzie, it’s the last song.” Caleb says.

“Well Mr. Campbell, I’m off to dance the night away.”

Timothy Campbell almost smiles and then shakes his head.

“Remember what we spoke of.”

I nod and take Caleb’s arm.

“What is her story?”

“I don’t know but I’m going to find out.”

Caleb puts his other hand on my hand on his arm.

“You’re a good dancer. Where did that come from?”

“I don’t know. I remember practicing the waltz with my mom. I guess I was taught the others at some point.”

“And you still remember?”

“I remember my mother in perfect clarity. It’s everything else that I’m missing.”

Caleb nods and we reach our place. The music starts.

“Speaking of your dance skills, you and your partner seemed to be in your own world.”

“Are you going to tell me the problems with dancing with him, too? We just met yesterday.”

“What can I say? Something makes me want to protect you.”

“You have two sisters to be brother to.”

“Yes, but they’re all grown up. They don’t need to be told where problems lie. Plus, Finn is like a brother to me.”

I sigh.

“Go ahead.”

“You didn’t just dance with him. You danced four songs and didn’t even stop when the music did. You didn’t spare anyone else a single glance. You both need to be making connections, not strengthening previous ones.”

“Don’t hold yourself back. Tell me all the places the problems lay.”

“Everyone’s eye is on you. You’re the company’s ward and living in my sisters’ house.”

“I didn’t ask to be. I'm already upset about that. Now I’m being told how to live my life as well?” I whisper, narrowing my eyes.

“No. I’m just informing you of your new place. Finn doesn’t like attention. Keep that in mind.”

The song ends.

“Thank you, Mr. Simms, for your insight.” I curtsy and he bows.

“Lizzie!” Jennifer latches on to me. “Good night, Caleb.”

Mr. Simms waves and turns.

“He didn’t seem himself.”

“You mean he doesn’t seem like the man you met 24 hours ago?”

“Lizzie, are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry Jenn. I’m just tired.”

And beyond annoyed.

“Me too.” Jenn yawns.

“Let’s get my baby to bed.” I say as attendants help us put on our coats.

“I could get used to this. Hey, don’t call me that.”

Finn smiles at me from her other side. I smile back and he looks away.

One of the valets opens the back seat door. There’s about 6 other valets. I don’t have to look at Timothy, Caleb, or any of our audience to know I’m supposed to sit in the back.

I rode here in the front.

Jenn falls asleep within 5 minutes. Finn shuts down every attempt I make at conversation and won’t even look me in the eye. I don’t think I’ve ever had a more frustrating night.

Finn walks us into the house. He checks the living room and our bedroom.

“All clear.” He says.

“Night, Finn.” Jenn says going up stairs.

“Well, the adults are supposed to be back by 2.”

“Oh, right. The kids were kicked out at 10. They have an after party.”

“Would you have even wanted to stay, Eliza?” He asks, smiling.

He finally looked at me!

“No. I don’t like large crowds. But I still had a good night.”

“Same here.”

He blinks and looks away.

“Well, I’ll be up until my dad comes home so text me if anything happens. Though, nothing should with the guards out front.”

“I will.” I promise anyway.

“I’ll see you Monday.”

“What about tomorrow?”

“I have homework and training. Stephan will be with you and Jenn. I thought I told you. It must have slipped my mind.”

“Okay, until Monday then.”

Finn smiles.

“Good night Eliza.” And he slips out the door.

I could have read while he did homework.

----- ----- -----

A knock sounds.

“Lizzie?”

“Yes.” I croak out.

The door opens.

“Would you like some brunch? Jenn ordered it for you.” Allison  says.

“Sure. Come in.”

Allison puts down the food.

“Where is Jenn? When I came back in the room this morning, she was gone.”

“I think she had plans with Nicole and some of the girls. Paul took them.”

“Okay.” I say, picking up my book.

“Are you hungry? Delilah said you’ve been up since 3.”

“Right. I talked to her when she came home.”

I slept from 11 to 2. I left my room so I wouldn’t disturb Jenn while I read. I took an hour nap at 6.

“It’s almost noon. Jenn said you’d want to eat breakfast for your first meal.”

“She’s right. Thanks Allison. Where are all the adults?”

“Misters Simms and Belle Simms had an emergency flight at 4. Delilah went to the office at 9.”

“Wait so I’m here alone?” I ask.

“Well the staff is here but yes, you are alone.”

I feel my headache coming back.

“Would you like to join me for breakfast?”

“Sorry, Lizzie. I’ve got to get back to work.”

“Okay, bye.”

Allison smiles at me sadly and I’m hit with dejavu.

I start eating and pick my book back up.

“Hello, Ms. Gent.”

I look up.

“Hello. You must be Stephan.”

He nods.

“Have a seat.” I start cleaning up. “Right, I’m not allowed to clean. Time out, why are you here Stephan? I don’t need a bodyguard in the house?”

“Well…”

My phone rings.

“Sorry. Hold that thought. What’s up, Jenn?”

“Lizzie, turn on the news! They’re talking about last night's benefit.”

I turn channels. The estate is on screen. There’s about 20 reporters in front of the gate.

“Jenn. I’ll call you later. Be safe.” I say.

“Bye.”

The pictures change to the benefit venue. That’s followed by Mr. Arthur Simms announcing me as the ward. And it ends with a picture of Finn and I dancing. Finn is blurred out.

“As the first batch of Simms Orphan Scholars prepare to graduate, the Simms have announced a ward among them. There hasn’t been any information on what that means or how many more wards there will be. The ward, Elizabeth Gent, is currently ranked 6th out of the four girls’ academies. She is the 3rd highest SOS. And it seems like someone else may be benefiting from her wardship.”

I wait for them to say Finn’s name but they don’t.

“I can’t believe this! I didn’t want this. How can they do this without asking me?”

“Technically, you all became wards of them the moment you tested into the academy. You're just the only one with special mention.”

“How is Jenn going to get home?”

“Don’t worry. Her chauffeur Paul is also a bodyguard. He’ll figure it out.”

“Why did the Simms all leave? This is their business.”

“Well you’re the ward. It’s more about you.”

“What about Finn? How long until his name is in this? Not that they’re right but he’s going to hate this.”

“Timothy is working on it. He won’t let his son be connected to this.”

“How’s that going to work? Finn is well-known. Someone’s going to tell the media.”

“You’re forgetting the powers behind the Simms’ name. They own shares in most mass-media.”

“You know, you are surprising reassuring even though you clearly don’t want to talk.”

“Bodyguards aren’t supposed to talk. We are here to watch, protect, and advise.”

“Well can you advise me on the best way to get out of here?”

“Yes.”

I follow Stephan into an elevator. It takes us underground.

“Okay, choose.”

“Choose what?” I ask, as my eyes adjust.

“Choose a car.”

There are about 30 cars. They are of differing class levels and models.

I see the van Finn drives and choose the convertible next to it.

We get in and drive around the garage. We pass one exit and go to the next.

“What’s the difference?” I ask still in the tunnel. “And why are they so long?”

“One takes you to the drive around the house. That’s how Finn picks you up. The reporters would see that. This one lets out past estate grounds. It’s a secret.” Stephan states.

Finn would have made that a joke.

“There’s a secret tunnel to the garage?!”

“Yes.”

“Now I feel like they’re just showing off their wealth.”

“It wasn’t the children. It was the mother Simms. They say she became a reclusive toward the end of her life. She had this tunnel built and never went to public events in her final 12 years.”

“She probably just liked her privacy. I know I do.”

“I understand. I was simply relating what they say about her.”

I know but it bothered me. I’ve always loved learning about her. There are no pictures of her from her final years. Her last public picture was Delilah’s 5th grade graduation. There’s a lot of rumors but I don’t believe them.

The wind hits my face and I lean back. I’ll forget about life for a while.

Jaded: Chapter 7

"You're going to a benefit?!" Tess asks.

"Yup."

"Lizzie, you should be more excited." Bianca says.

"I am excited."

"Are you worried about formal dancing?" Rizalyn asks.

"No. I know how to waltz. I'll just follow the lead for the other dances."

"Did you go dress shopping?" Mikayla asks.

"No." I say and Jenn says, "Yes."

"Which is it?" Bianca asks.

"A shop brought their gowns to the house." Jenn says.

"No way." Tess says.

"Yes way. It was the coolest thing ever."

"It was strange." I say. "We were sitting on the couch while all the saleswomen brough in racks of gowns."

And Belle left with me alone with Jenn and Delilah. I couldn't enter their world of enthusiasm.

"But you still found a dress." Jenn says.

"Yes. I did still find a beautiful gown."

"Details please." Mikalya says.

"It's electric blue, strapless with flounces starting from the waist."

"Floor length?" Bianca asks.

"Of course."

Everyone laughs.

"Delilah asked for a matching tie and pocket square."

Jenn would mention that.

"For who?" Tess asks.

"For Finn."

"Lizzie, you have another supporter." Mikalya says.

"Yay." I deadpan.

"Why do you guys want them to be together?" Rizalyn asks.

"You haven't seen the beauty that is the two of them. I only got a glimpse last year. The only ones who truly know are Finn and Lizzie." Tess replies.

"Spare me. I get enough that daily."

"The girls here also want them to happen." Jenn explains.

"See? It's undeniable." Bianca says.

I start pacing.

"Anyway, I have to tell you about my dress. It's beige and empire waist. I bought the cutest shoes for it."

"Why didn't you get a bright dress like Lizzie?" Rizalyn asks.

"It was my favorite. Besides, Lizzie's the Belle of the Ball. Not really, because Belle will be there." Jenn says, putting a hand on my arm.

Everyone laughs and I stop fidgeting. I smile at her.

Tess asks about her shoes.

----- ----- -----

I step into the house.

"You said we'd do it in the spring. Closer to the date." A man's voice says.

"We thought this would be better." Belle replies.

"And neither of you told us." Another man's voice comes. "You don't have to look at her, Belle. I know it was her idea."

I look at the study group. Jenn shrugs.

"And I stand by it." Delilah says.

"I know you do. I can't believe you. And I can't believe Belle let you get away with it. Arthur and I were supposed to be here." The second voice says.

"Caleb, calm down." The first man says.

"Caleb?" I mouth to Jenn. She shrugs again.

I motion for the group to go up quietly. And then the door closes again.

And the study slams open.

"Finn?" Arthur says. "And 6 young ladies."

His eyes stop on me. Awkward.

"Hi. My name is Elizabeth Gent. I didn't know anyone would be home." I say, coming off the step.

"Hi, Lizzie. I'm Arthur Simms."

"Delilah left." Caleb Simms say.

Then, he stops and looks at me. How does he know to look at me? This is becoming too much.

"Hi, Lizzie. You probably know who I am. But for introductions sake, Caleb Simms at your service." He says, bowing.

I smile weakly and curtsy in reply.

"Nice to meet you. We can go to the public library." I say, looking at my group.

"Hey, guys." Caleb says, waving. "I don't know you."

"Jennifer Bertram. I came with Lizzie."

"Nice to meet you." He says, smiling.

"We'll get out of your way. You probably want to unpack."

"You guys should stay. Use the library here. It's almost as extensive as a real library." Arthur says.

"I see you've meet my brothers." Belle says coming into the foyer. "Go ahead and study. Dinner will be at 7 and everyone's invited."

"Pleasure meeting you, Liz." Arthur says, leading Caleb away.

I follow the group to the library.

"Was it just me or was that really weird?" I ask closing the door.

"It wasn't just you. The brothers weren't themselves." Mandy says, confused.

"I've never seen them fight. But I guess all siblings must." Chloe comments.

"Caleb and Delilah have always had sibling tension. I think it's because Caleb was the youngest for a while. I'm sure everything will be alright." Finn says.

"Yeah. I guess we should study."

We split into two groups, sophomores and seniors.

"So are you ready for the ball?" Allison asks, stretching.

"It's a benefit not a ball." I say. "I'm not Cinderella."

"It's your social debut."

I laugh.

"I suppose. I mean I'm not going to make that much of a difference."

"Everyone's going to want to meet you." Chloe says.

"Why?" I ask confused.

"When everyone finds out you're staying with the Simms, you'll be the main topic." Finn says.

He sounds sullen.

"So, like I said it's your social debut." Allison emphasizes.

"Fine, we'll call it that. I'm ready. We're getting our hair, nails, and makeup done."

"We're spending all day with Belle and Delilah." Jenn says, as the door opens. "It going to to be so much fun."

"I'm glad you feel that way. It's dinner time." Belle says.

I pack up so I'm the last out.

"Delilah's not joining us." Arthur says, when I look around the table.

I nod and sit down.

"Do you still have studying to do?" Caleb asks.

"Not today. We got most of it done. Lizzie's an ace." Allison says.

"She helped us at the same time." Nicole says.

"That's impressive." Arthur says and I shake my head. "No, really. I remember doing home work into Sunday night."

"And mom wasn't sure about sending us there. She thought the class load had gotten crazy." Caleb says.

There's a pause.

"Until she realized Arthur wasn't starting until Sunday morning. I'm glad I got to go. I always wanted to be an Alden girl." Belle explains.

"So buddy how have these girls been treating you?" Caleb asks Finn.

Buddy?

"It's been cool. Today was the first time we talked about clothes or anything. I blame the benefit."

"We talked about it for a moment." Chloe says, exasperated. "Why do guys act like all 'girly conversations' last forever?"

"Becasue it's fun to get this reaction." Finn smirks.

"What are you wearing, Finn?" Arthur asks.

"I don't know. My mom wanted to set it up."

He doesn't know?

I look at Belle. She smiles back, complacent. I feel like it was Delilah's idea.

"And you let her? You're such a good son." Caleb says.

"If she cares that much, then that's more important." Finn replies.

That's really sweet. I don't think I could do it. But it's still sweet.

"Since you don't have homework, how about we watch a movie?" Arthur asks.

Finn and I meet eyes. He has more homework than us.

"Sounds good." He says, still looking at me.

"And girls, you can sleep over tonight. Stephan can pick up anything you need." Belle says.

"Cool." Mandy says.

"I'll find out what time my mom wants me home tomorrow. I can take everyone back to the academy in the morning." Chloe offers.

And that's how I ended up hosting a sleepover.

----- ----- -----

Lindsay: Send me a picture when you and Jenn are all put together.

Allison: send me a pic.

This is why they're my best friends.

Jenn comes out of our room.

"Can you take a picture of us, Lucy?" I ask the head maid.

"Yes." She says.

She takes the picture and walks away quickly.

"Lucy doesn't talk very much."

"She talks to me sometimes. But maybe she's just really focused on working." Jenn says.

"That could be it." I say sending the picture.

Lindsay: Beautiful. Don't fall in those shoes. And have fun.

Me: Thanks. Have a good time at lunch. Tell me if there's any cute freshmen.

Lindsay: At the academy? Creepy.

Me: At Northwestern. You crazy.

Lindsay: I know. And I'm not going to tell you. You already have someone.

Me: We're not together.

Lindsay: You might as well be. Tess and Rizalyn are telling me to get ready.

Me: Rizalyn is excited to go?

Lindsay: She's antsy from nerves. Anyway, have a good time.

Me: Bye.

"Ready, Lizzie?" Jenn asks, picking up her clutch.

"Yep." I say, glancing at the mirror. "I mean, yes."

"We don't need to be proper until we get there."

"Lizzie, Jenn?" Belle calls up.

We leave the room and walk down the stairs.

Delilah gasps and I look up. Finn and the brothers are staring at me. Belle is … dabbing her eyes! Why?

"Jennifer, you look beautiful." Arthur says, assisting her down.

"Eliza, you okay?" Finn whispers.

"I don't understand everyone's reactions."

"Simple. You look gorgeous."

"Thank you."

I still think everyone's being too much. But when a guy says that, how do you think of anything else?

"Picture time." Michelle says.

"Where did she come from?" I ask Finn.

"Who knows."

We all pose for a picture.

"We'll meet you there." Caleb says.

"Girls, save me a dance." Arthur says.

The Simms leave.

Michelle takes pictures of the three of us.

"Now, just Finn and Lizzie."

"Good idea, Jenn." Michelle says, emphatically.

Subtle.

"Did you know about this?" Finn asks through his smile.

"No, I promise."

"I meant the blue tie. We're matching."

"I did. I didn't know it was a surprise until yesterday. Sorry."

"It's fine. Let's just appease them." He putting his arm around my shoulders.

I smile as the camera snaps a few more times.

"I think we're good mater. We're going to be late."

"Okay, thank you. See you there."

"Drive safe." Finn says, helping Jenn put her coat on.

"You too."

We get in the car as his parents drive off.

"Which fork do you use first?'

"It's the salad fork." I say. "She's nervous about dinner. Belle taught us everything quickly."

"Finn, do you know formal silverware?"

"Yes."

"Of course. Lizzie picked it up immediately like always. I'm going to be the only one to mess up."

"Jenn, you'll be fine." I say.

"And if you do mess up, Lizzie and I will too."

I smile at him and he smiles back.

"You guys rock. Okay, now we need music." She says, grabbing the phone hook up.

We talk and listen to music all the way there.

----- ----- -----

There are coat attendants. Good and proper coat attendants.

"Don't forget your ticket, Jenn." Finn says, handing it to her.

"Elizabeth Gent." I tell the hostess.

"Yes. Guest of the Simms. Party of three. Table 2."

"Thank you." I say, smiling and looking for our table.

"This way." Finn says, putting his hand on my back. “The higher the number, the closer to the stage."

"Good to have an expert around."

"I've only been to a couple of these. And they weren't happy occasions."

"Oh."

"Hi, Lizzie."Chloe says. "Looks like you're the completion of our table."

"So you're the young ladies staying with the Simms. George, help them sit down."

Finn scoots me in and George helps Jenn.

"Mom and dad, you know Finn. This is Lizzie and her sister Jennifer. Girls, this is my twin brother, George."

"Hi, guys. Jenn, you look amazing." Lynn says, standing behind George.

"Your brother's sitting there now, dear. Sit next to your father."

"But…"

Mr. Lucas looks at her.

"Fine, we’ll just talk around George."

"Dancing will commence in 10 minutes."

"I'm going to talk to my father." Finn whispers to me. "Excuse me, Mr. & Mrs. Lucas."

"Jenn, would you like a drink?" George asks. "Lizzie?"

Lynn and Chloe look at each other.

"Yes, please." Jenn says and I nod.

He motions someone over and picks up two ciders.

I talk to Chloe and her parents until the first song. George asks Jenn to dance.

"Elizabeth Gent. I've heard so much about you." A woman says.

"Good or bad?" I joke and she doesn't laugh.

"Anyhow Charles," She motions for a young man. "Charles, this is Elizabeth Gent."

"Hello, Miss Gent. Would you care to dance?"

"Yes."

He leads me to the dance floor. We wait for an open space to join in.

I try to follow his lead but he messes up on the third rotation. I might be wrong so I ignore that thought.

"What do you do for work, Miss Gent?"

"I'm a high school student."

His mom may have heard of me but he hasn't.

"Oh. I'm in my freshman year at Harvard Law."

That means he's at least 5 years older than me.

"What do you think of the new courses in international and comparative law?"

"I think, well it provides a better education than before."

"What elective did you choose?" I ask.

"Are you thinking of going into law? Why are you asking so many questions?"

Because it’s polite.

"I'm not going to be a lawyer. I just read a lot of academic journals."

"I graduated 7th in my Academy class. What are you?"

"Last year, I was 3rd but only by 4 points."

Charles' face sours.

"I prefer not to talk about work at events."

I'm tempted to roll my eyes but that's not acceptable. I catch Finn’s eye. He sends me a confused look.

"The girl with you is your sister, correct?"

"Yes. Her name is Jennifer."

"You look nothing alike. She has black hair and brown eyes while you have blonde hair and blue eyes. Your face shape and body types are different as well. Different fathers?"

I can't even tell if he's trying to imply anything or if he's just nosy.

"We're not blood sisters."

"So she's adopted? Or were you adopted first?"

"Neither. We decided we were sisters. Jenn and I, no parents involved."

He looks at me confused so I change the topic.

"What do you do for fun?"

"Snowboard, surf anything that requires travel. My friends and I hate going to the same place or doing something basic. Like last year, we went snowboarding in Keystone but that's still in America. So this year, we went to Les Contamines, France and each got their own cabin."

That doesn't even sound fun.

"That's interesting."

"You'd love it. This winter we'll make it more expensive. I'll add you to the list."

"It's okay. It's not really my scene." I say as the music ends.

"Nice dancing with you." He says and walks away.

I go back to my table. I'm waiting with the Lucases for three songs before another young man asks me to dance.

I dance four more times in over an hour. My partners don't get worse. But they don't get better either. They make it obvious their parents made them ask me or they just think I'm pretty.

I sit down and try not to slouch. I see Jenn dancing with George for the fifth time. They have changed partners but keep making their way back to each other.

"Last dance before dinner."

I haven’t seen the Simms since they made a brief entrance. I look for them. Instead, I look in the spot I was avoiding. Finn is against a wall, glaring at the room at large.

"Elizabeth Gent?"

"Lizzie." I correct, again.

"Yeah well. I'm Cameron. Can we dance?"

Finn comes to my side.

"Chloe, would you like to dance?"

Chloe looks at me.

"Yes. I'll dance with you." I tell the kid in front of me.

He takes my hand and leads me to the floor.

I see Finn and Chloe come to the floor.

"How old are you?" I ask.

"I'll be 15 next month."

He's closer to my age but whoever sent him is just as misguided as Charles' mother.

"Who told you to dance with me?"

"My dad. He said he needs the Simms to like us."

"Next time your dad sends you to make a business deal, don't answer the key person with yeah well. Politeness goes a long way."

"But I don't want to dance with you. I want to dance with Miranda."

And I want to dance with Finn. I look over Cameron's shoulder to see Finn glaring in my direction. At me or the kid it doesn't matter. It's not acceptable.

"Tell you what. If you can get even less people to dance with me, I'll put in a good word about your parents. You just have to promise me one other thing."

"Alright." He says, warily.

"You'll ask Miranda to dance three non consecutive times after dinner. She may say no because she's shy, her parents tell her to, or because she doesn't want to dance you. You have to stop at three so you don't pester her."

Cameron smiles.

"I can do that."

We talk comfortably after that.

"Lizzie." Jenn says, taking my hand.

"Having fun?"

"Tons. I've messed up on dances. But everyone's been nice about it."

"Especially George?" I whisper.

"Yeah, he's nice." She responds.

She's not sold?

Finn scoots me in and sits down.

"You're lovely dancers." Mrs. Lucas says.

"Thank you." I reply.

"I can't believe the Ridgewoods sent Cameron to dance with you." Chloe says.

"I know. But he's adorable."

"He is. He's been in love with Miranda Adams since they were in elementary."

"And Miranda?"

"Same but she's really shy."

"But he seems shy."

"Nah, he's just really obedient. Dating isn't his family's plan right now."

"Well, I told him to dance with her. A couple dances isn't going to hurt."

"You guys do realize they're not even 15, right? They don't need people cheering them on." Finn says.

"Of course they don't. It's just good to see. And they can use a little push." I reply.

The salad comes. I poke Jenn and she smiles.

The Lucases ask us questions and make an effort to get to know us. The soup and main course are delicious. Lynn keeps looking at George. Chloe keeps looking at Finn and I. Fun and awkward. It should become my slogan.

"Mr. Arthur Simms has some words to say."

Dessert comes while he's going to the stage. It's a chocolate and fruit masterpiece.

"Hello and thank you for joining us tonight. My siblings and I appreciate your support. It’s been 10 years since Belle and I started managing the company. To commemorate, we have taken on a ward. Elizabeth Gent is now under the protection of the Peyton Empire."

The spotlight hits me. And I stand up in surprise.

I'm what?!?!

Brumous

It's been dreary lately. It's June. And the weather can't make up its mind. It was over 100 on Monday and then it was drizzling on Tuesday.

The weather isn't doing anything for my mood. I haven't been sleeping well because, as always, I'm afraid of my dreams. I don't want to eat or leave the house. I want to lay in bed and watch tv.

I'm taking a break from therapy because I started working this week. I know my medication is a good fit. I know my cycle will affect my mood. But I really need a upturn.

I hope a change of weather will help.

P.S. I'll probably be complaining of heat in a couple weeks but sometimes the wish is too overpowering.