May 19 and 21 2023

 Recorded 10/18/23

So I deleted the first video before I decided what I wanted to do here. This recapping my videos for writing from May. Omgosh. It is October. This was months ago. This is a project in time. Um, so. May 19, 2023. It is currently the 18th October 2023. So I am going to hopefully put this up today. And it will be the first. Well not today because I literally just put up a video. Or an um, podcast yesterday, well not it is posting today. So not today. Um, it says,

“Who wants to go to a concert with me becuase I do this every single concert. (referring to loud screaming and singing). You about to find out.”

Badly sings Jonas Brothers’ song.

Laughing at audio of my bad singing.

“Redacted brown eyes looking into his soul.”

“I am so ready for this. And I have not written any of this. Okay so it is Friday. I know I didn’t write anything the week that I went to see my best friend. Because that was a bad week. I’ve only spent a week writing this story. I’m on three weeks into this month and I don’t know if I’m going to write any next week. I hope I do. I’m supposed to be writing daily. At least one of my three stories. MMhmmm.” Laughs

“No 5 stories. Ugh, 6 stories. I’m supposed to start JEB next week (referring to picking back up A Beta’s Pride.”

“So opposite his higher pitch for his greeting in Thai. Does anyone else notice that when Thai speakers speak. This is dirty for me to be typing while reading. (referring to scene being typed. most likely smut.) I don’t know much about women speakers. But male. AMAB when they speak English versus Thai, English is a little bit deeper. I don’t know… Maybe, well, I’m basing it off like three people so I know it’s not common. I don’t know that much. But I feel like a lot of Asian languages are just a little bit higher pitched.”

I think there is actual science there. But I’m not going to get into it. I’m just typing at whatever time of night, oh, no day. It was daytime

“I wonder how many words I’ve typed this month. I think I can double it next month.”

I’m probably still doubling times and like I really shouldn’t. It’s alright if I don’t write all the words I want in a month. I’ve got plenty of months.

Reacting to myself screaming Nick Jonas. “I was appreciating Nick as much as I was praising Joe the other time. But I was in love with Kevin first, so like…”

Singing along to Jealous.

Followed by screams.

“I am like DYING for Nick Jonas. Omigod.”

“Ohmygosh this chapter’s over. I need to post chapter 2. I should have posted that before I started singing. Now I need to post like 3 chapters. Yay!” (sarcastic)

“Why do you keep spending money on him at all? I guess it’s like your welcome present but (redacted) (Ubi) isn’t poor. I mean… yeah, that’s his name for now.”

I think I actually said Uea, his original name.

Reacts to Lovebug by Jonas Brothers. Audio of 2019 concert.

“This song like changed my life. I don’t know who I was in love with at this point. I was only ever in love with well, him. But I fancied myself (odd voice) in love with a lot of different people. But I want to say I had just… stop.. Actual guy I was in love with.”

“We’re going to call him… (stares off) Jonas (not just because I was listening to JB, but this is a solid perfect play on his actual name. And I can’t believe it took me like forever, many, many years to get there.) Um, then I switched to R, then I switched back to Jonas, then I switched to R, then I switched back to Jonas, then I switched to T and then I switched to… so yeah.” Gets sad. “So I think I fancied myself in love with R when that song came out. (redacted) but I was surprised to be in love with someone else.” (other than Jonas)

What song? Lovebug. I’m talking about Lovebug. Omigod.

Badly singing Before He Cheats. Wonders why I didn’t cut the video of me messing up

“I guess I’m being honest. .. Working with a fourth of what I was promised. Anyway,”

Getting back to Hamilton because we always get back to Hamilton.

Bunch of bad singing later.

“Okay when everyone sees all of Andrew’s nicknames I’m going to say it was normal when his name was Edward.”

Page count on VAULT - 23 pages

I think VAULT is still at like 36 pages. I haven’t been writing it.

“I need to write what day I typed that.” (After 2 months off writing, I still struggle with this).

And I wrote that (about writing the date) like a month ago (by 10/18/25) and I still struggle. I’m trying to write the date I write stuff and I’m still struggling.

“Caught up on VAULT. How many words is VAULT?”

 4,(redacted). I can’t believe haven’t written anything in over a week.”

I give up on writing sometimes.

As Is

Trying to figure out how many chapters each girl has. “I’m very symmetrical about this story. I don’t know why.”

“Okay the first chapter was 1,875. The next chapter was 2,656. Chapter 3 is 1,154.”

Singing “5,500 (oh, no that was not the rhythm I wanted. That was, what’s it called. Seasons of Love) words typed today.” That’s the thing that I did.

“What is my alarm situation? Oh, I didn’t wash dishes today. Oh, I didn’t do Enby, Enby RiffRaff. Where is Enby RiffRaff? Well I’m doing Purple now. Which is going to take me longer than the 20 minutes it was supposed to. Enby RR will be 12:30pm. This one is supposed to be 11:50. That is in 20 minutes. That’s not going to happen.”

I’m glad I stopped, well I have no time to put a bunch of alarms on what to do in the morning. I need to wake up earlier to get stuff done before work. But as of right now, I’m kinda just fine with waking up to go to work at 10.

Reacting to video of monster. “They are ripping up magazines. JW magazines. That’s hilarious.”

“I need to do dishes in 30 minutes when I finish. What am I supposed to do next?”

“My baby had rolls for days.”

Just typing while watching videos.

Making throw up noises at my family’s names lol

Laughing at baby noises as I type

Watching a video of a 1.5 year old playing with my 1 year old. I don’t know how 5 adults missed the child hit my child.

Okay, I think we’re starting to get into. No, I’m not on the video I have the audio for yet.

Me recording a bunch of videos on the train out to OKC in 2017

Surprised to find I had video of my baby learning to walk. Yesss!

That’s how I react to children falling. “Are you okay? Yeah, you’rer okay.”

My place is the backseat with him

I would totally be on time if I hadn’t done those songs. I recorded songs. But I don’t think I have video of that so I don’t know why I did that.

“Hey you don’t break out of your carseat.”

Playing with the seatbelt. That seatbelt is really loose and shouldn’t be like that. (The baby was playing with their seatbelt and the seatbelt shouldn’t be like that) Always check your seatbelts babes. They can get bigger, they can move sometimes. Just keep it right and keep it tight.

Timer goes off. I’m supposed to be doing me hair? No thank you. I’m supposed to read a bit later. Yeah right, timer.

Wow I’m being so helpful to myself.

Them watching football. They love football. I’ll post a picture of them in their football onesie. It’s sooooo cute

No one can talk with the baby around.

Winter is heck. Winter is heck in California and I’m preparing for Oklahoma.

That was avideo I recorded as a teena- or no young adult.

I can’t believe this took 40 minutes to type. I think it’s taking longer to type than it did to write.

They love the rain now. They love the rain. I told them this morning it was raining. They got up and jumped on the couch to watch.

That’s on May 19th, 2023. They’re adorable.

Yeah. That was ridiculous. That took 47 minutes to type. But only 20 minutes to write. Was I really typing that whole time? My wrist hurts from the height.

105 problems. A 103 problems on the other one. (That’s about Grammarly) And 20 pages. How many words? Word count is 5,212. So my word count for today is about 14,000. Well, not really not just today.

Bye

So that’s the end of my first video ever. That I ever took.

We’re going to get into the second video.

5-21-23

Okay so I didn’t write anything like recently. (Oh, I know where I put the videos of me singing. I think I put them on Instagram. Or maybe YouTube. I’m not sure.) I updated my typing Friday and I don’t have any more typing of Purple or VAULT. (Coughs horrible. ‘Cuse me.) 

(So Purple and VAULT. I started in May. I was supposed to write a little bit every day. Then I was supposed to write a little bit every other day. Then I was supposed to write every third day. I literally just haven’t written. Like I think I’ve written some Purple. I’m researching VAULT right now with microbiology. I’m getting a lot of inspiration for a lot of jokes and really smutty scenes. But like I don’t think I’m going to hit 15,000 words before the end of the year. Like maybe but I really don’t think it’s likely because I’m focusing on other stories to finish out.) 

So I’ll do those today. And maybe type today. I’ll write in the morning and type at night. I know I’m supposed to write those two. But those are at 8 and 9 o’clock and it’s 6 in the morning. 

So I’m going to get started on the others I was supposed to type like AISHB and I don’t think I’m supposed to work on SING. I’m supposed to type Aii, AISHB, and Enby RR. I’m supposed to post EtJ. (Redacted. I don’t know what I said there). I’m supposed to clean my phone. That’s going to take forever.

So this video shouldn’t be over an hour. I don’t know how long those stories are going to take.

I’m going to have to move my stories to different emails. Cause this is too many stories for one email (10-17-23 update - still not done.) (As of yesterday when I was typing up this transcript, no, I still haven’t done this.)

I can’t always find the stories I want.

I can’t wait to show the monster the videos of them.

I don’t want to have to copy. What will I do to copy 54 pages?

(I don’t know what that means.)

This is one of my favorite concerts. Well, I don’t know. I shouldn’t compare. Deep voice king.

Ranting about Miraculous Ladybug.

Oh, look it’s my cult singing.

Me freaking out about Josh Turner’s voice on Everything is Fine

Ok I’mn going to find that.

Paused and looked. Didn’t find.

Okay well. I don’t know where that is.

But I’m going to play a snippet of Long Black Train because I love that one too. Okay, this is very difficult to do.

Okay so I’m at 5 pages of the transcript.

Singing along to Long Black Train (I know Josh means it as a warning. But I want on the Long Black Train. That is my father with a holy name.) The train can come for me. It’s fine, Josh. You’re Christian. I don’t know what I am.

Singing to Time is Love

Okay this is a fun little bit. It’s basically the rest of the episode.

It got a little steamy. Little? (what story is this about?) Fine a lot. He topped me (Enby RR)

Talking about Time is Love

Measuring time in kisses is kinda funny to me. Like I don’t want to talk to you. Do you know how many kisses I could have gotten by now? I’m missing out on? I don’t want to talk to you.

Condoms? I ask. As in plural

That’s back to Ney.

Grant’s face falls.

I’ll be done with this notebook on the 5th. (Was I done with this notebook on the 5th? I hope I was.) I can put it in the closet. Do you know how good it feels to put notebooks in the closet? I haven’t done it yet. That’s how good it feels.

Grant laughs again. Twice on a page. I hate when I do that.

Well, he’s been sexually active 5 years longer than me. So his stamina is on a different level.

Comparing Grant to his own fucking boyfriend. Ney!

I don’t know what this has to do with anything. Ney!

I just finished a whole pack of Hawaiian rolls by myself and I’m a little worried (that was in a video I recorded and like yes!)

I’m glad that Josh has a partner. And has a little hometown girl. And these songs are from different points of view. And there’s a lot of point of views. And there’s a lot of different songs. One minute is this point of view. Then this other one. And then another point of view.

But Josh needs a little hometown girl. I’m not a little hometown girl. Will I get any Joshs in my life? What Josh will be alright with me not being a little hometown girl? I don’t need any Joshs in my life. Josh is a bad name. I don’t like any of the Joshs I knew. That’s, that’s not true. I had a child named Josh. They were awesome. I’ve known 2 Joshs and I’m basing all the Joshes on that one Josh.

But Josh Turner. Where do I get a Josh Turner like country boy? Without being a hometown girl? Because I am not going riding. I am not doing any of it. I’m not.

I put on Rise and Shine nail polish for that line for that concert. (It was such pretty nail polish)

I am so bad about letting my nail polish chip.

I forgot I had Taki last night. I was like why are my nails this color. Oh.

Are people awake? No one is supposed to be awake.

Let’s see what we have so far. (Enby RR)

“Well, he’s been having sex 5 years longer than me so his stamina is on a different level.”

“Hmm. I think Namsoon and Heungoo switch.”

(Knock on my door. Well, I’ll be finsihing this episode in a bit.)

(That was not my therapist like I thought. It was the groceries I forgot I ordered yesterday. I’m so forgetful. Omigosh.)

Babe what?

“No. Woobin totally tops.”

“Isn’t shipping real people a little (a bit and I can’t say that word), strange?”

That was a mish mash of Ney and me talking.

“I don’t ship Lee Jong Suk and Woobin.”

Oh, I’ve been writing Woobin but I call him Woob and so does Grant.

“Then why didn’t you say Heungsoo tops?”

Oh just me in the hospital missing my kdramas, writing all about them.

“All I see when I look at him is Woobie.”

“You’ve nicknamed a Korean guy you’re never going to meet.”

Grant gasps.

“Take that back.”

Then I just die of laughter. It says:

Laughter upon laughter.

“Okay. You’re totally going to meet him one day at a fanmeet.”

“And he’ll take one look at me and say ‘Screw girls’.” Laughing while typing. “I’ll be like, ‘not the right term for a nice hook up’. And he’ll say, ‘no. no more girls for me. Let’s run away together’.”

And then I just go on for like 11 lines.

Hey, I don’t have any fantasies like this. Okay, well I have one. I have one fantasy like this. A couple. Two celebrities. But not really. Not like Grant. Grant is like if “I meet this man he will fall in love with me”. It’s a little facetious (Grant is a little facetious). But I honestly don’t think I would actually be able to hook up with them only because I’d be like not smooth at all. I’d be ranting about how much I love them. When I started loving them. And how much my love has grown. And they would be like ‘you’re freaking us out’. I don’t think I’d make it past a 5 minute convo. Cause I would be so stunned at first. I’d be trying to find the least creepy thing to say. And if we made it past 5 minutes, I’d just ramble it all out. And it depends on how we met. Because I am not quiet about my love for them. So they would know. If we were to hang out, I’d be talking about my love for them. And they would tell me to leave. They are such humble creatures. But they praise each other all the fucking time. So maybe they would be cool.

Tomdaya. Tomdaya. Tomdaya.

My Tomdaya dream inpatient.

I was dating Tom for like 3 or 4 weeks. Well I had a dream like 3 weeks in we were shopping and going to a club. So like 5 weeks into the relationship. I love when my dreams have time lines.

So we were in the middle of an ACT. And I just randomly asked does Zendaya know about me? And Tom like paused and I was like she doesn’t? and I got up and got dressed. And as I was walking out his bedroom was like “I’m going to tell Zendaya and we’ll date until you’re ready to be mature.”

So I knew I was in love with both them. Well, whatever superficial love.

Superficial love is as amazing as real love. It’s not unreal. Superficial love is valid. Some superficial love last even better than deeper ones.

So if I like both of them, have a dream about being a triad, being happy and being successful. No I had a dream about being a side piece. And I’m going to be so epic that he’s risking it all.

You don’t risk anything with Zendaya. You be honest with Zendaya. You be honest with anyone but especially not Zendaya. You don’t want to lose her.

So we dated on the side. And when I was leaving, I was so sure Zendaya would date me. LIke be interested in me. And not mind that me dated her boyfriend. But I didn’t know she didn’t know. And if it didn’t randomly come in my head would I ever have asked.

I understood in my dream, that dream Tom understood. That I was going to wait for him to be a successful triad. And I just read a little of my story. My own story cracks me up. (Okay, so I was telling this story about my dream. And then I glanced over at the side of the computer and read some of my story while I was telling my dream. Which I think is kind of the goal. Cause I write for me.)

It’s just really funny. LIke why that dream. Why am I so sure I could get them? Like no.

So back to Ney and Grant.

“And you’ll say?” Ney asks.

“Only if my girlfriend Ney can come along.”

“Right. But no threesome. I’m not into him that way.”

Oh, three way. Because a threesome is different to me. Three way is a traid. A threesome is just a night.

“You just watched that gorgeous man for four hours. And you’re not into him?”

This is all that matters to Grant. It doesn’t make any sense to him.

Okay I’m not going to read any more.

Okay so it takes me about 40 minutes to type as much of a part as I want.

Singing along to Why don’t we just dance.

Oh, man I have a superman story to write. I forget about everything. I need to put that in my phone right now. Superman is going to take a while. Who even has the animated series? That’s what I’ll use for Superman. That would be really nice to do for a Superman Batman story. (That is one of my top ships.) That will be really fun. I’m glad I saw that.

Still badly singing to why don’t we just dance.

I ate apples. What? Why did I eat apples?

Gag face.

Singing along to Deep South.

Singing to my official karaoke song - Your Man

And that’s how we’re going to end this episode with a little bit of Your Man.

(Within video. Okay so my queer tags take up everything on my IG post. Rambles about queer tags.)

That is my ultimate karaoke song. That’s the first one I do every time when I do rotations. Like when I start doing karaoke again. I have about 23 songs on my list. But that’s number one.

Alright ya’ll have an amazing day.

I can’t believe I finished another segment of my life. That is so weird to say but like it’s only 2 days that I combined but yeah. Keep writing!

Memories of an Early Childhood Trauma

 22 months

Everyone is at dinner. Mom, Dad, Grey (brother, 17 years older), Blue (brother 16 years older), Indigo (sister, 6 years older), Emerald (sister, 4 years older). This never happened. This was different.

And yet, I’m so annoyed.

Their mouths keep moving but no sound comes out. They sit with their mouths wide open, no longer eating. They shake but no sound.

----- ----- -----

27 months

It’s a better day. I can hear a bit today.

Mommy holds my hand as I walk down a long, dark hallway. I’m placed in a chair. The room is dark and cold. Mommy is no longer in sight.

A long, cold metal thing enters my ear. In one, swivel. In the other, swivel. And suddenly, there’s noise everywhere.

Summer wrap up

Sunday reading list

Reading - I should start reading Manta again. I'm just afraid I'll start buying lol

I kissed Shara Wheeler - amazing!

The Director who takes Me to Dinner - Dennis Lee chasing director instead on Dongbaek is an interesting choice. Well the manga came first.

Bongchan Bride - I'm not ready for Giant with a child

Semantic Error

Boyfriends

High Class Homos

No Love Zone - amazing on the 3rd? read 

Under the Oak Tree - I love Ruth. But I'm ready for Rif to come back. Yes, I nicknamed a character. Sue me.

Keeping up with the Cullens - need to read.

Sharing Beatrice - need to read tomorrow. Honestly forgot about it

Boku Girl need to read today

Monday Week Goals

I have some requests for my classroom.

My brother has taken over the chore of laundry.

No missed meds - I'm doing better.

Clean house daily - I wanna at least do dishes.

Stay awake 1200- 1900 every day - I took a nap last week

Shower or bath - I've been doing awesome.

And not so well this week 

Hair!!! And vlogging - I was supposed to debut a few weeks ago. But I'm hoping by the time school starts.

Write - 10 works in progress. Not allowed to force myself to finish any until September.

Watch shows - I finished A Boss and A Babe late.

Watching this week:

Go!

HSMTMTS

Heartstoppers

Read - I need to turn in my reading lists

Listen to music - over 400 songs last week. I'll note them all 6/19. Might make a blog out of them all. Just to see.

Okay. Listing might be this week if I can do a bunch of it tomorrow.

Blog - currently doing.

#100daysofcontentmentrinjinthom was dropped. I dropped #100daysofcontentmentrinjinx2

I'm just going to post pics at the end of this month.

Tuesday Trans Promote

TW: death of a parent, S.I.

1) EtJ is fully edited. Lizzie is a scholarship orphan who is invited by the founders to stay with them for 10 weeks. She is from their town and has dissociative amnesia after her mother died when she was 8. Her oldest friend, turned crush, is going to be her bodyguard. He's trans. But the story resolves around her.

Just finished posting Chapter 25 wardrobe pics.

2) Power of Three saga has 4 volumes out of 5 complete. As It Was, As It Wasn't, As It Could Have Been, As It Should Have Been. Beta reading stage. Its about triplets Jain, Tenielle, Aimee. They are raised Jehovah's Witnesses so their trauma builds as the story goes on. They have a discussion at 3 about wanting to die. Major volume 1 spoiler: the mom dies when they are 8. (Are you noticing a pattern?)

Jain's best friend, turned boyfriend is Sam. She's the only one who calls him by his full chosen name Samuel. Tenielle is a bit of a bookworm who has a rocky relationship with Declan, Sam's older step brother. Aimee just loves being around friends and family. She dances to release emotions. She doesn't talk about them or dwell on them.

Power of Three: book 5. AISB or Aii. Chapter 4 now. Giving up on 8/15/23 goal. I'll finish when I finish. Maybe this year. Maybe not.

Paused until September

I need to cast As Is saga.

3) TiMit is a romance about football/baseball campers who are in a secret relationship. So secret that when their parents get surprised married, they break up without anyone but 1 best friend knowing. (Their parents also died before they were 9 years old.) Complete.

4) Powerless Against the Gay. Ftm Peter and teen all pronouns Loki just went on their first date. Steve, Bucky, and Thor found out they are mates. Tony run away when Bruce 

Complete

5) Purple's DR & RA is a bit more autobiographical than usual. Going far into my past. Me at age 14 in an alternate universe with age 27 memories.

P'sDR&RA - began 5/1/23. We already hate Ken's family.

Paused until September

6) SinG is Cole and Ri realizing that some people can handle your secrets. They redefine their lives.

Finish 6/22/23 - might not.

V4 P1 ✔️ P2, 3 ✔️, 4 ✔️, 6, V5 P 1, 2. Writing V5 P 3, 4, 5, and Epilogue

Paused until September

7) Enby RR is going well. I'm on the third notebook. It's Tenielle's continuation of SinG. So it's a fanfiction of a book I wrote by a character I've written, by another character I've written. Writing ception.

Enby RR: typing every 3 days.

I finished typing the first notebook. Hoping to finish the second notebook by 6/17/23. That didn't happen. Maybe 7/4/23

Puased writing until September

Hope to finish typing 8/31/23

8) VAULT is full story poly!

Began 5/1/23 - writing daily. Not really 1 or 2 days hopefully.

Paused until September

9) WPLT: focused on finishing the first notebook before I start writing again. 

Finished the first notebook. Typing second one.

Paused writing until September

10) J/E/B is a Pride & Prejudice inspired Twilight story. Jacob is Darce. Edward/Bella, Elizabeth Bennet. Edward is nonbinary.

Everyone is matching up with P&P character really well. 

I finished the secret chapter. It's full corn.

Still writing a bit

Picked up Monday 6/5/23:

11) Pride: Your Way

I reread but I need to catch up on the show where I am in the story.

12) How I Loved You

Reread all 20 parts. Working on ages 15 - 22. Haven't actually thought of those memories in a while so it will be tough. Wrote 1 scene at 19. Probably all I will write this week.

Picked back up

13) Powerless Part 2

Started 7/30/23

14) My Heart/Untitled

Word count for month of July: 39,000

Friday Media Share

Music:

Miley Cyrus - 1.5 albums left. I ✨️have✨️ listened since last week. Just not much

I haven't listened in over 2 months

Release Radar - listening right now

Discover Weekly - had some epic songs this week

I got music blends on Spotify with some potential partners and 3 friends. It's fun to see wherever music taste meets up.

Not any partners any more.

Watching:

Go! Viva a tu Manara - on season 2 episode 4, I believe. The rewatch rating is 10/10 so far.

A Boss and A Babe - the finale wasn't as emotional as it would have been if I watched on time

Roommates of Poongduck 304 - Chaebol did ✨️not✨️ have a gay/queer panic. He just accepted that he was interested in a guy.

Haven't watched in a week.

Haven't watched in months.

Self-love Revolution

I need to buy this book

The dedication:

For every girl who has felt ugly, wrong, bad, weak - you are beautiful, you are right, you are good, you are powerful beyond imagination.

#7 of 9 points that explode beauty standards:

It is not your job to be beautiful

Health at every size - HAES

Is people never pronouncing your name correctly a microaggression? It comes from inside the house too.

John Harvey Kellogg was a clean eating advocate. Keeping your body clean helped keep your soul clean - from sex!

And their world views and spiritual beliefs were beyond most white men's comprehension.

Nine gross characteristics of diet culture

#1 you learn about diet culture when you're a kid

#4 you learn to compliment people if they look like they've lost weight - and to have minimal concerns about how it happened.

Ch 7 Why is my family always talking about my body?

#3 they ate being inappropriate and controlling

Remember: you have the right to set boundaries and communicate with your family around what you need to feel safe I your body.

Self-love is about recognizing and accepting that you are precious and valuable.

Stuff to say to trolls

Chapter 10 I'm tired of hating myself... so how do I love myself?

Forty quick things you can do to develop self-love

#4 get rid of your "skinny" jeans

Just for that I'm putting them on my shopping list for fall

#14 say out loud as often as possible: "I'm valuable and sacred"

#15 write a love letter to your body

#16 light a little candle, and for the entire time it burns, think or write down nice things about yourself until it goes out

#18 don't date or have crushes on people who are homophobic, transphobic, fatphobic, or racist

#19 watch shows and movies that portray all kinds or people in empowering and positive ways

#33 come up with a secret thing that makes you feel like yourself or makes you feel grounded.

#35 watch movies and social media with a critical lense. Notice who the main characters and who the villains are, and ask yourself why. Notice how people of different races, sizes, and economic backgrounds are portrayed, and ask yourself why.

#36 experiment with different lengths of hair, growing out body hair, and how you dress

#37 focus on communicating what you want and need.

#38 listen yo music that makes you feel seen and heard

#39 talk to yourself the way you'd talk to someone you really love. That means no more insults or name-calling.

I'm a fool bitch. Try to stop me!

#40 recognize that it's okay to have bad days when you're really down on yourself. You didn't fail! Remind yourself that you didn't choose to learn crappy (body) ideals

Part three

Be you, not what someone else thinks you should be

Chapter 12 say no at least once a day

Alternatively, personally, say yes at least once a day

Chapter 13 - going into sixth grade increased dieting from "regular dieting". Does the author mean their normal eating or their average diet that happened repeatedly through life?

Healthy and thin are not the same thing

Learn the basics of a new language 

Write everyone you know a note telling the how amazing they are

Chapter 15 find your allies

People who:

Genuinely want you to thrive and succeed

You trust

Do what they can to make sure you are safe and successful

Where you live and hang out. Your not chosen community, NCC. Some become CC, chosen community. Some don't. 

"Because my boyfriend was a straight white dude, he was able to feel comfortable in most places because we live in a culture that was built to make him feel comfortable. I, on the other hand, do not feel comfortable in many places, because we live in a culture that wasn't built to make me feel comfortable. 

He was afraid of my umbrella because it made him feel like an outsider (my personal add, stand out and a target because no one else had one). I'm used to feeling like an outsider - whether I have a bright umbrella covered in dogs open or not.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who wore tight neon pants or a silver-sequined jumpsuit.

When I was in middle and high school, everything in my closet was pretty much the same color. The most adventurous color in my wardrobe was dark blue.

Random thoughts on my cult upbringing

 1) Just went shopping for the bubs birthday tomorrow. The fact that we weren't going to get them anything 😬😬 speaks to being raised in a cult.

I have yet to receive a birthday present. But better for the next generation!

There's a party on their birthday tomorrow but it's for their friend. Hopefully we can make the time after the party special for them.

2) I'm on volume 3 of my 5 volume series about being trans/gay/queer and raised a witness.

Someone read a chapter where one of the triplets, Jain, learns about Spock/Kirk fanfiction, tells her trans boyfriend about a Vulcan kiss they can do at school without getting in trouble with one of her triplet sisters, and his brother outs them as a couple to their friends, in a nice way. And everyone pretty much says, if it's a secret, why tell us but we'll hide it.

The person who read it told me they cried and they wanted to read more. The goal of the chapter was definitely not to male people cry. But it was nice to see them relate to it so much.

3) Thanks. I was raised in a cult. There wasn't much I would have been encouraged to read. So I started writing at 14 for young people to have "safe" things to read.

I wrote 3 books but only ever felt connected to 1 character in all of them. When I escaped, I decided to take all my stories and do a "Make It Queer" series.

Now I feel connected to my characters.

4) Considering I was barely allowed to wear miniskirts at home when I got into Star Trek at 12, I thought it was highly feminist and daring.

5) I have BPD, ADD, and Autism. I think it's trauma from being bullied by my siblings up to 16 years older than me and having to limit my needs from my mom dying for 4 years. Then escaping the cult proved to me that no one lasts forever.

6) Also in the Bible Belt. Yesterday I went to a birthday party possibly at a house I knocked on for th ministry when I was in. The house next door for sure. But the house I was in felt familiar too.

I was like JWs would call me pagan for being at my first birthday party ever. AND it's a house I tried to convert? Awesome!

7) I'm sorry to hear that. The one time me and my bestie wrestled, like legit wrestled no homosexual undertones, we were caught. And my aunt told her dad we needed to always be under adult supervision. He thought that was pathetic and didn't do so. Like how could he when we had sleepovers?

8) 3 sisters in the neighboring congregation for our double hall pressured me to medicate my little one. Said Jehovah would like me to stay at meeting and they do it all the time.

I never took them back. I went like 3 more times. My best friend/roommate 2 more times after me. And then after 2 months, I told her I wasn't going back. She said she had a boyfriend. I worried that we would stop talking and need to find new places to live. She said it wasn't a witness and she'd kept it secret from me, fearing I'd judge her.

Sooooo glad my little one didn't have any effects from mixed meds. Sooooo annoyed I didn't even know their names but gave in. But also grateful their actions had the opposite result of their intent.

9) Hahaha 

After 3 years put, I still sing the line "Stay Awake, Stand Firm, Grow Mighty" whenever I get really tired while doing something I need to do. Like I conditioned myself to do at meeting.

I still fell asleep at meetings. Now I laugh so hard, I wake up.

10) I asked my brother if "forgetting our cult upbringing, would our parents be disappointed that you are socially a boy, after trying for a decade for a girl? Even considering they got 1.3 girls after that."

He laughed and said if he "came out at 3 maybe as our middle sister was only 1 at the time and Rina wasn't born yet. But mostly they would be confused as it was the 90s and our parents were born in late 50s."

Wow mom

1) I feel that. I don't even know any of my non jw family. My mom kept them in my life. But as soon as she died, we never visited again. I think because my aunts and uncle can't keep quiet about their faith but my mom would only mention it politely, not trying to convert.

2) Thank you. I'm mostly okay with it. Because of watching her suffer. And of course there was the hope of seeing her again. I'm not really sure what I believe now. Maybe in the universe reusing energies. So one day our energies will connect again. I jut wish I had her for the sexual assault and my brother's abuse.

3) I wish my mom had had time to learn and then teach me sign language since my hearing was intermittent until I was 2. I guess I just learned not to ask for anything. Wonder if it affected me at all /s 🙃🙃🙃

4) Makes sense. As a former child of a parent in college, they love the time you spend together. 

I'm not sure what degree my mom got. She was in college from me being 3-7. And I'm pretty sure she took college classes. And she didn't work. She also had cancer for 75% of college.

I remember she went to sleep last, well besides me staring at her once she was asleep due to my insomnia. She woke up first. She was always reading.

But she spent her lunch time taking me to speech therapy 3 times a week. And would spend any extra time, taking ms to the farm on her campus and telling me about animals. She talked to me whenever I would interrupt her while studying.

Her future was a priority. But I still mattered. Your child watches and knows

Random Thoughts on my Trans identity

1) 

Right?! Like puberty blockers should be accepted by ALL mental health professionals. Hell, let's give our cis children puberty blockers. That way bullying for growing "too fast" or "too slow" will stop.

2)

Literally no. I knew I wasn't cis without knowing that people could be trans. That was at age 3. When I wanted to break out of preschool and get hit by a car. Or kidnapped, raped, and killed.

Because that would have been better than being raised a certain gender.

3)

I'm not doing anything to children. No one is doing anything to children. Children are coming up to their families, after thinking about it for hours, days, weeks, months, years. And saying I am unhappy in my body.

Refusing them blockers, which as I said are reversible, kills them. Your opinion is killing children.

I don't hate you. I just want you to stop telling me that I didn't think the way I did as a child. That is manipulation and gaslighting. I hope for your children's sake they are all cisgender. And don't run away at 18 to be safe.

4)

I would say that my transness is a mental disability. I'm perfectly happy the way I am. Like my ASD diagnosis.

But it won't kill me like my Bipolar ii and BPD can.

Animals do not socially transition. Physical transitions are most often permanent but AGAIN, children aren't allowed to physically transition under the age of 18. Often not until they are over 22.

I'm down for setting the transition age at 25 when the frontal vortex is fully developed. However, letting a 3 year old socially transition will not prohibit them from detransition at 10 or 13 or 17. And if they transition 10 times, it's fine.

It is much better than a 7 year old killing themselves. THAT is permanent.

5)

My dead name is from a movie title my mom watched while pregnant with me. I had a similar life to the one described in the movie.

6)

I like T'ya'la from Star Trek. It means "friend, brother, lover". But it doesn't have to be all three. In my opinion for Spock and Kirk it does. But other people feel it just means friend, brother.

Another I like is nae salam. It means my person in Korean. I just love the slight ownership and implication that this person is different than everyone else. I'm not entirely sure how to use it in my poly life.

7)

I feel so bad for the girls going through 2nd puberty and calling us out on never telling them. I think I just accepted it within 2 months of having them and never thought of it again.

Now I'm wondering if my chest is why I had to go to physical therapy for lower back pain in 8th grade. I can't imagine growing to be an i cup again.

8)

You don't have to believe the same as me. But you could be polite and not press your beliefs on me. Kindly ignore me now. Bye!

You are wildly entertaining after all. Even if I showed you my birth certificate, told you how happy my family was to have a 3rd daughter after 2 boys and 2 girls, and how much my first period surprised me, you still wouldn't believe I could be assigned female at birth and still be trans.

9)

That's fair. Considering how hard gender is for me, while I'm 27 and quintgender, I can't even imagine a cis person from the 50s.

My mom and dad were born in 57. I think my mom would have an easier time than my dad.

10)

Then he read my post about coming out. He literally asked "are you 5 people?" And doesn't understand how that's transphobic as he thought it was a mental health thing. Which in my opinion still isn't the way to ask. His tone didn't say "explain it to me." It said "now what?

11)

I knew my brother for 25 years as one name. I haven't deadnamed him since he came out over a year ago.

The child who gave me my name, I deadname occasionally because I haven't talked to them in 21 months. But I always correct myself.

My childhood friend who changed from a nickname for his middle name to his full legal name, I have deadnamed when telling stories about him under 20. Never deadnamed him to his face. And he was very gracious during the transition stage. Also he's cisgender so it's not as pressing, personally.

It does happen. I dead gender myself the most. But repeating the correct name after is loving and trying.