Jaded: Chapter 10

We're hosting a tea party this afternoon.

I came home from dinner with Arthur to find out we're hosting a tea party. I had 15 hours notice. Jennifer had picked out dresses for the both of us.

Arthur and Caleb apologized for forgetting about the annual tea. Belle didn’t say anything. I knew that it was Delilah’s fault though. I don't understand this girl. What's with the secrets?

Anyway, it's in 30 minutes. My dress is on the bed. And just like the ball gown, I wish I didn't know the price tag. It could pay for a month of school.

"Lizzie do you need help getting dressed?" Jenn asks coming up.

"Yes." I say, standing up and changing.

Jenn zips me up.

"We're hosting a tea. How cool is that?"

"It's cool.

"Lizzie, are you alright?"

"I'm just a little overwhelmed."

"I'm sorry. You're so natural around people I forget that you don't actually feel comfortable talking to new people. And the boys won't be at tea."

"I'll be okay. I've had time to think about it. I've researched all the people coming and have questions prepared."

Jenn laughs.

"Alright, but if you need a break come find me."

"How are you girls doing?" Delilah asks, knocking.

"We're good." Jenn says smiling.

"Great. The flowers and arrangements are arriving. Belle said you wanted to see them, Jenn."

"Ok. I'll go downstairs. Just let me know, Lizzie." Jenn winks at me.

I look in the mirror and admire the dress. I have always wanted to attend a tea party. Raising awareness for the ocean is the best time for it.

"You look very pretty, Lizzie." Delilah says.

I had forgot she was in the room.

"Thank you." I say turning around. "You look beautiful."

It's silent again as I pack my purse. And by pack, I mean put my phone, wallet, and keys inside. I just take a while because it is awkward.

"Where are---?"

"Arthur said…" Delilah trails off.

"Go ahead." I say.

"Arthur said you had something to ask me."

I wish he hadn't told her. I was starting to change my mind.

"Yes. Would you like to hang out Tuesday or Wednesday? Whichever works best for you."

"You want to hang out with me?" Delilah asks, staring at me.

"Yes." I say confused.

"Oh, ok. Tuesday then. Should I call and make some plans?"

"No." I say, quickly.

She pauses and looks surprised.

"I mean, I'll take care of the plans."

"Ok. Well, I should be getting ready to go downstairs."

"Of course."

"Lizzie, you should relax. You’re a pleasant person to be around. There won't be any reporters or anything."

That takes me by surprise. She hasn't seemed to take that much of an interest in me except to keep things from me.

"Thanks, I will. And you should relax as well. I won't say anything embarrassing." I say, following Delilah out the room.

"I'm not afraid of you saying anything embarrassing."

"But this is my first role in my new position as the ward. I have to make a good impression."

"Your talents speak for you."

What are these talents everyone's been talking about?

"And anyway, I'm not nervous. I've been hosting this tea since I was a newborn."

She seems really nervous to me.

"There were the 12 years we didn't host it here." Belle says, coming down the hall.

"Yes, but we still hosted it." Delilah replies, staring at her. "Lizzie, could you walk Michelle Campbell over?"

"Sure."

I think I make her nervous. I wonder why, I think walking to the back door.

Is Finn at home? We did homework Friday with Allison, Chloe, and other seniors. But I haven't seen him since. I wish he had come with Arthur and I yesterday.

We're talking again but it's not smooth. At least one of us is awkward, if not both at the same time  I'm really worried about what Allison said. What if we ruin our friendship?

"Eliza?"

I look up. There he is. The door is open and he's wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

"Yes. Hi. I came to walk your mom to the tea."

"Oh, right. That's today. I haven't been home for it in years."

I nod while he stares at me.

"Do you want…?" I start to ask.

"Eliza, you look great. Tea dresses suit you. Well, you look amazing all the time. But this is nice." He says, all at once.

"Oh, thank…"

"I can't go to the tea. It's ladies only. Even though I would like to protect the ocean as well."

What is happening? It's like he's a sentence behind the conversation.

"I wasn't inviting you." That sounds mean. "I mean, it's a girls' only tea. And you're wearing casual clothes. You look good. I haven't seen you in casual clothes in a while, like a week. But I mean, you're not dressed for tea. And like I said it's girls' only. Speaking of which do you want to call your mom down?"

Finn smiles and I wince. I want to disappear.

"Hi, Lizzie." Michelle says.

She looks at both of us and steps out of the house.

"Finish your conversation. I'll wait here."

I look at Finn and he smiles again.

"Well, there's my mom. But she won't be happy if we don't talk about something. So what's your plans for the week?"

"Um, I'm doing homework tonight and Monday. I'm hanging out with Delilah Tuesday. Homework again Wednesday and Thursday. I want to go out Friday night but everyone has plans that I don't want to join. Saturday is the garden party. You're still working that night, right?"

"Yes." And I smile. "Do you need me to chaffuer Tuesday?"

"I was wondering if you could ask Stephan. I want one on one time with Delilah. And you know how Stephan is."

"I do indeed. I'll ask him."

He stares at me again.

"I don't have plans Friday. Do you want to hang out?" He asks, looking down.

Yes, yes! Yes!

"Sure." I say. "We should go. Don’t want to be late, especially when it's so close."

Finn nods and waves.

"Bye."

"Bye." He says and closes the door.

Michelle takes my arm.

"It's good to have you near the house again."

"What?" I ask.

She's speaking Latin again.

"All couples fight."

"We're not..." I say in English.

"Finn gave me that already." She whispers in Latin as we sit down.

"Elizabeth Gent." The woman to my left says. "Nice to meet you."

"Hello, Mrs. Jergens. Do you mind calling me Lizzie? I'm not used to the full name thing."

"Oh, ok. And you can call me Diane."

"Thank you. What's your favorite ocean animal?"

That was question number 9. But it's okay because she proceeds to tell me about jellyfish for 20 minutes.

"And I simply love the way they move. So tell me about yourself." She says, without pausing.

"Oh, um. I'm seventeen. I've lived in Colorado since I was 11."

"Where did you live before?" Mrs. Nichols asks.

"I was born and raised in Plymouth."

That's not exactly true but I don't remember where we moved when I was 4.

"When did your parents die?" Ms. Callahan asks.

My entire table stops moving. Half of them look at me and the other half stare at her.

"My dad died when I was almost 3. My mom died when I was 8."

"So it's been a long time." Mrs. Jergens says sadly.

"Yeah. Fifteen years for my dad and almost 10 for my mom."

"You poor thing." Ms. Callahan replies.

"It's a fact of life. I know people with worse stories. Wait, Jo? Is that you?"

"Josephina Callahan."

"She was a junior when I was a lost freshman. So she knows how bad our stories can be." I tell the table. "You look so different. I hardly recognized you."

She smiles and sips her tea.

"Oh, yes. Millicent talks about you all the time." Mrs. Musgroves says.

She's been quiet this whole time. But what she says shocks me more than the fact that she spoke.

"Milly talks about me?"

"Of course. Her dad was hoping she'd have some competition in school. When she came in 3rd freshman year, we were all shocked. But she told us about you and is it, Lindsay?" I nod. "Lindsay sounds like a genius. Do you know what she wants to do for a living?"

"No. Neither of us have decided." I say, finding my voice.

"Well, I'd love to see the three of you working for my husband. And I know Millicent and Marcella would love it."

Now it's just too impossible to believe.

"Marcella may not like it because she's not inheriting."

"But aren't they twin heiresses?" I ask.

"Yes. Marcella will be taken care of but her talents don't lie with managing people."

That sounds like the mother way of saying she's not good with people.

"No, Marcella will have to find her passion."

Macey is as lost as I am?

"What do you think of them now?" Michelle asks, leaning in.

"These women speak Latin too." I whisper back.

"Please. I went to school with them. They passed and then stopped using it."

"Fine. Do you know them?"

"I don't. Finn told me you weren't happy about him dating Millicent."

I stare at her.

"You two seem close." Mrs. Nichols observes.

"Michelle is probably happy to have a student around. She has someone to converse with in Latin." Mrs. Musgroves says.

"You ladies know me too well." She says, smiling.

"He knew I was upset? He told you?" I ask.

"All couples fight. Moms are a listening ear. No details. We're neutral."

Oh, sure. But you'll tell me that he told you.

I sigh and stand up.

"Excuse me. I'm going for more tea."

I pour my water. And think about how many finger sandwiches to get. I want to be polite but I'm feeling uneasy and want to stuff myself.

"Liz Gent."

"Jo Callahan." I reply.

"It's Josephine now."

"I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time processing that because I'm having a lot of flashbacks. And in those flashbacks, you're Jo."

"You know, at first I was going to forgive you because you're the Peyton ward. But when I heard you rejected Charles Engel, I remember how annoying you were."

"You were going to forgive me?" I ask, amazed. "Forgive me for what? Letting you bully Lindsay, Mikalya and Bianca?"

"I did not bully the four of you."

"No, you bullied them but you tormented me. I'm not sure what made me worse but I'm glad I got the blunt of it. Good for you. You learned how to condescend to the point of forgiving someone for being a victim."

"Don't think that developing the socialite communication makes you one of us. You still snubbed Charles Engel."

I take my tea bag out.

"What connection do you have to Charles that makes him so precious?"

"We're going to get married."

"You are? Then why did he want to dance with me?"

"Because I wasn't there. Because his mother told him to. We're not engaged or anything but my father decided with his father."

"Ok. I hope you have fun spending your money on superficial things. Too bad you can't use your influence for good."

I stir my tea. I don't need sandwiches.

"Just be careful. We won't let you into our society with ease."

"You make the mistake of thinking I want to be in your society."

----- ----- -----

"Thanks, Stephan." I say, getting in the car.

"Of course, Liz." He says closing the door.

"Hi. Lizzie how are you?" Delilah asks.

"I'm good. How was your day?"

"It was fine. It was odd leaving the office while it's still light outside."

"You usually get home so late."

"Yeah, but it's okay. I enjoy being at work for all the different shifts and talking to everyone."

"You sound like a cool boss."

"Thanks. Where are we going?"

"For ice cream. I love ice cream after school and Caleb insisted I take myself once a week."

She nods and stares out the window.

Stephan parks and opens the door.

What am I supposed to talk about?

Spirant Iustum: You'll be fine. Just be nice.

I smile.

"Who is it? If you don't mind me asking."

"It's fine. It's Finn Campbell." I say looking at ice cream flavors. "What are you getting?"

"Chocolate. What about you?"

"Cookie dough and peanut butter. It's like a Reese Cup in a cookie."

"You're getting two flavors?"

"Yeah. My mom always got me two flavors. I never finished it. But now I like mixing it."

"My mom would get us ice cream all the time after school."

"Caleb told me. She would pick you up and take you out, right?"

"Yeah. We'd have a day set aside for each of us."

"Did you all go on Fridays?"

Delilah pauses.

"You don't have to answer." I add.

Oops. I've made it awkward.

"No it's fine. The weekend was always really social. She stayed home."

I nod, feeling bad.

"So you've known Finn for a long time."

"Not as long as you guys have known him."

"That's true. Belle and Caleb kind of adopted him as another sibling. He's a great kid."

I smile and tell her about Arthur and my conversation about the word kid.

"But yeah. He is a good guy." I say, vaguely.

"What do you think of him?"

I try not to physically express my reaction.

"You want to know how I feel about him."

"Yes."

"Why did you and Michelle scheme to have us match for the benefit?" I ask, instead.

Delilah blushes.

"I wanted to see you two together."

"So we were right in saying you were a supporter."

"Who's we?"

"Jenn, the girls here and at home. It's a whole big organization." I say, smirking.

"But how do you feel about him?"

"I like him. I'm not sure what's going on. But I think it's going to come to a head soon."

"I'm sure it will be okay."

"You're sure he likes me. I'm not sure. But if he does that's not our main issue."

"He is still your date Saturday, right?"

"Yes. And we already have our couples item for our team."

"Good. You'll have some time to find out what's wrong then. You don't have to fix it. But I think you guys should just be honest with each other."

I nod. I'm not good at being honest about my feelings and circumstances but I'll try.

"I wanted to ask you. Can we arrange an interview Saturday before the scavenger hunt?"

"With me?" I ask.

Dumb question.

"Yes. We'll have the previewed questions for you tomorrow night. You'll have all morning to prepare. The first interview is the most important. People will get most of their curiosty addressed. And then you'll have more privacy."

Or less, depending on how you look at it.

"Sure, I'll do an interview." I stand up. "Next stop?"

"Yes. What's next?"

I smile.

"The grocery store. We need substance for a movie marathon."

----- ----- -----

I hear a noise at my window. I step onto the balcony and look down.

"Finn?" I ask surprised.

"Come down. I have food." He says, holding up a bag.

"You want me to come down the terrace?"

"No. I want you to go to the family room and come down the stairs."

I look my left and see the stairs leading to the yard.

"That works too."

I go back into my room and grab my purse. Then, down the hall to the family room and out to that balcony.

"Will you catch me if I fall?"

"Do you regularly fall when using stairs?"

I narrow my eyes at him.

"Plus I have food. Would you rather I keep hold of it or catch you?"

"Don't you dare drop the best burger ever." I say, taking the bag he offers me. "So if you brought me food, where are we hanging out?"

"I thought we'd hang out here. I mean, it's quiet with the three Simms', my dad, and Jenn gone."

"Why did I come to the yard if we're hanging at the house?"

"Sorry, I meant hanging out in the yard."

"What about your mom? Isn't she lonely?"

"No." He says, firmly.

I look at him surprised.

"Yesterday she mentioned this girl I wanted to marry and won't stop talking about her."

"A girl you wanted to marry? Do tell." I say as we sit on the swinging bench.

"When we moved out here, I met a little girl. I played with her every day for two weeks and according to my mom fell in love."

"Was she your age?"

"Yeah. She was eight too."

"What was her name?"

"I don't remember. I can't even remember her face. But she was nice and spoke Latin."

"Latin?" I ask, amazed. "There's actually another parent that teaches their child Latin?"

"You mean, other than ours? I know it's crazy."

"Doesn't your mom know who it is?"

"No. She was helping my grandfather with the company. She moved after my dad and I. My dad was getting to know the Simms. So I was with the girl and her nanny."

"It sounds like she would be at the academy."

"I've asked but none of the girls had the memory. She could have gone to any academy like me or a different school all together. I had forgotten until my mom randomly mentioned it. I guess I told my mom I found the girl I wanted to marry but she moved for now. I was a theatrical kid so I wouldn't tell my mom her name."

"That's too bad."

"Not really. But my mom thinks it's the cutest thing. And keeps mentioning it. That's why I didn't want to hang out at my house. Plus, I think she's visiting Belle at some point."

I nod and attempt to swing. Finn laughs when it doesn't move.

"Am I too heavy?"

"Could you please just assist me?"

"Yes." He kicks off.

We swing in silence for a moment.

"How was hanging out with Delilah?"

"It was fun. Awkward but fun."

"She's not as easy going as the others."

"What happened to not talking about your employers?"

"I don't talk badly about them or circurlate gossip. That was an observation."

"Okay. Am I imagining things or is she more uneasy with me?"

"No. She seems to be keeping her distance from you. But hanging out helped, right?"

"Yeah, she talks to me more now."

Mainly she says hi and talks to me about Finn. As if that's all my life involves.

'I'm glad. And how was the tea party?"

"It was good. I learned a lot about jellyfish."

"You asked Mrs. Jergens about her favorite animal."

"Yes. How did you know?"

"My mom went to Alden Academy with a lot of the moms. Diane Jergens is quiet but talks a lot about passions."

"Well, that's good to know if there's ever a pause in the conversation. Do you want to go inside the ballroom?" I ask.

"Is it open?" He asks, stopping the swing.

"Yeah. It's never locked."

He turns the handle and looks at me surprised.

"Nicole said you were the explorer. How did you not know this about your backyard?"

"Technically, it's my front yard. And I've always explored the beaches and attractions."

I nod and set my purse down. I've been in here many a sleepless night. But I still love studying the design.

Music starts playing and Finn takes my hand.

"You have classical music on your phone?" I ask, laughing.

"Of course. My fiancé introduced me to Ravel and I've loved it ever since."

"Is that what we call random kids we've forgot until recently?"

"I like the idea of a girl living her life and not knowing we're bethrothed."

I laugh. And Finn stares at me.

"What else happened at the tea?"

"I met Milly's mom. And saw Josephina Callahan for the first time in years."

"What did you think of Mrs. Musgroves?" He asks, glancing at me.

"She's nice."

"She's my favorite Musgroves."

"You dated Milly even though she wasn't your favorite?" I ask confused.

"She's my second favorite." He shrugs. "But being able to understand social queues is important."

"So you acknowledge that she's a mean person?"

"I acknowledge that she doesn't get how what she says comes off. But at heart she's a nice girl."

"Let's agree to disagree."

"That sounds beneficial. What happened with Josephina?"

"She told me, I may be the Peyton ward but I'm not a socialite."

"Good old Josephina. That's why she had to go the southwest academy."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't tell you?" I shake my head. "She made every girl and some boys in town cry by the time she went got to 8th grade. Her parents decided it would be better for her to go to school across country."

"Yay for me." I say, sarcastically.

"At least it prepared you for this world. How are you doing being the ward? We didn't really get to talk about it that night." He says, looking down.

I think about the night of the benefit again. And force myself to stop.

"I haven't had to do much yet. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon."

"Before the scavenger hunt?"

"Yup."

"Like always, be yourself and be nice."

"Spirant Iustum?" I ask.

"Just breathe is good. But do remember to answer questions."

I smile.

"Will do. I can't believe I'm going to be in a magazine. It's hard enough seeing myself on TV, being treated differently, and getting used to extra security."

"Sorry about that."

"Finn, we talked about it. It's alright." I say, looking him in the eye. "What did your dad say about tonight?"

"He said not to let you out of my sight. Which I wouldn't do anyway."

Another one of those comments I don't understand.

"He was with the Simms. Caleb said to have more guards. Delilah made a reservation. I cancelled it."

"So that's why Belle gave me her credit card. You know what I like about Arthur?"

"That he doesn't force his opinion and respects other people's lives."

"Exactly."

Finn smiles.

"I can't believe we're dancing in an empty ballroom to classical music on your phone."

"What's wrong with it?" He asks, defensively.

"Nothing. It's just. You were throwing rocks at my window earlier, right?"

"Yes." He says, looking to the side.

"It's just so cliché. But I like clichés."

Suicidal Ideation

I've been gone for three months. What have I to say? Not much.

I started sharing my feelings on here because I hoped that anyone who needed to read my blog would find it. But I never had a plan for what to share and when I did make one, I didn't stick to it. And I didn't do much to direct people here.

Now, I'm been sharing quotes, poems, and excerpts on Instagram. I've started reviewing shows on Tweezine. I've got quite a Pinterest following. I comment on YouTube videos and sometimes have conversations.

But this is where I get to be the most real. My thoughts don't get interrupted by others'. I can go into more detail without worrying about losing anyone.

I'll keep blogging. At the moment I'm not sure if I'll stick to a schedule but I know poems, chapters, memories, and definitions will continue to be posted.

---

Today's phrase: Suicidal Ideation

Proper definition
Medical News Today -  Suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation are thoughts about how to kill oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration and does not include the final act of killing oneself

Wikipedia - concerns thoughts about or an unusual preoccupation with suicide/death

Valleybehavioral.com - Suicidal ideation is broken down into two forms: active and passive. Active suicidal ideation involves an existing wish to die accompanied by a plan for how to carry out the death. Passive suicidal ideation involves a desire to die, but without a specific plan for carrying out the death

My comments - I fully understand the first.

The second confuses me only because of "unusual". Maybe it is because I've been around death a lot or it's because I suffer from Suicidal Ideation but it just really stands out to me. How would one measure an  "unusual" amount? I've been weirded out by how much some people I know talk about death. Is that a sign for me to worry about them?

The third definition is great. I think I operate life in a passive S.I. state but have moments through the day of active S.I.

In Real Life

I cannot speak for everyone who suffers from it. But I can share what it means for me.

Almost every bad moment leads to a thought of "wouldn't it be better if I was dead?" "If I was dead, I wouldn't feel anything. I wouldn't feel like this now." "If I was gone, I wouldn't have said, did the wrong thing. This person wouldn't feel this way."

Suicidal Ideation is never knowing when a bad moment will come but knowing that when it does, bad thoughts won't be far behind.

It's walking down stairs and thinking "if I miss one, just one little tumble or skip, I'll end up on the floor, possibly with bones twisted in interesting and exciting ways."

It's walking down the street and waiting to cross thinking "if I leap out now, would the car screech to a stop soon enough?"

It's sitting around the house and moving to pick something up. It's that little thought, "how pretty would my arms be, dripping red? Which way would the knive, scissors, razor swerve if I just let it drop and let gravity do the work?"

It's the little moments like missing a bus, losing your keys, not charging your phone that has you questioning everything. "Is there even a point? I'll do the same thing next week, or something worse tomorrow. Is there a reason to wait and see what kind of new terrible things I can just barely get through?"

It's knowing that even though these thoughts exist, even though your head is always a mess and making you sad to have to hear and visualize these painful things, you will never complete them.

It's wondering if surviving can really be considered being strong, as they say, or just cowardly. If taking the plunge is something you won't do simply because it inconveniences you, does it count? Wondering if such a reason not to is really reason enough. People have made it through because they don't want to die. But you? You've made it through because you can't be bothered to take the time.

It's knowing that's not healthy. That people would be sad to see you go. That people would become a little more lost and a little less whole. And yet, that not being enough for the thoughts to stop.

It's not knowing how to ask the questions "how are you feeling" "what's wrong" and "are you okay?" Because what are you supposed to say? "I'm fighting off thoughts of how to end myself." "I'm sad because I have these thoughts that don't benefit anyone." Or "I'm sorry, I'm not really here. I'm watching everyone say goodbye and seeing them attend what is the happiest day of my life. I guess, it's not really the happiest day of my life because I would have to be there, but it's not a great day for them all. Can I feel bad for them when I'm the one who caused the bad day?"

It's shaking off those questions as best you can. And not making anyone aware of the sadness in your head.

The thoughts are a part of who I am. A day going by without such things in my head has never existed. 20 years old and inching along, 13 years old when I wanted to live in multiple world's of fiction, 8 years old when my mom died, 5 years old when I still couldn't pronounce my own name and I was so ashamed, 3 years old when I would cut my hair for disappointing myself, bite my nails when I was anxious, eat paper when I felt empty. All these stages in my life have been met and passed with these thoughts by my side, so loyally.

The only way to survive is to accept them as they are, ignore them the best I can, and live life as fully as I want to in each given moment.

I don't know if there will be a day when I'm able to do all that "normal" people my age do. I don't know if I'll ever want the same things they want. But I will continue to age. I will make the thoughts go away as quickly as I can and never, ever act. Because that is the rest of who I am.

Poem:

On some days
Days like today
Days where I didn't want to fight
Days when I started to see light
Before darkness crept back in
Down into my soul, in the blood under my skin

On those terrible, dreaded days
This is what keeps me afloat
Because who do I want to transfer the pain to
To my beautiful baby cousins who know nothing of the world?
To my brother and aunt who tried to raise me as their own little girl?
To my sisters with whom I've fought this battle, we three who lived it all?
To my friends who know dark gray, not endless black but wish I wouldn't fall?

No
Struggle as I might
I will bear the pain
Because I don't want to go
Six feet under
With a smile on my face
While a part of everyone else
Breaks off and fades away

Jaded: Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The Simms came home Sunday night. They told me the responsibilities I would have as their ward. They explained that I would be a representative of Peyton Empire. I reminded them that I'd be leaving at the end of the quarter. They said I could be active until then and we'll figure out from there.

"How do you feel about that, Lizzie?" Belle asks.

"Oh, I'm fine with that. I wish you asked me about the whole thing but of course I'll fulfill my responsibilities."

"It was the best time to announce it." Delilah says.

"You could have asked me if I wanted to. You had weeks to ask. You could have asked me that day since the media didn’t know you were making an announcement. I'll fulfill my responsibilities but I would have said no."

"But it's so good for you." Caleb says.

I look at him for a long moment.

"You're not getting it. I'm not looking to make a huge social difference. I want to take care of my family and live the best life I can. And frankly Caleb, I'm upset with you for telling me what to do as well."

"But…"

"I know. You were just giving me advice. But I wasn't looking for any."

"I think we all should get some sleep. Lizzie has school in the morning. I apologize on behalf of  all of us for hurting you." Arthur says, looking me in the eye. "Now, I'm not sure why that seemed like a good idea."

"I'll be okay. And I will be a good role model to students."

"Sleep tight, Lizzie. I really am sorry." he says, walking me to the door.

"Good night." I say, waving.

Am I going to get kicked out? I guess they can't kick Jenn and I out because that wouldn't look good. They're in the wrong. But I was rude.

Belle and Delilah apologized the next morning.

Caleb picked me up school and bought me ice cream. He apologized for talking down to me. And explained that he has a hard time communicating when he's passionate about something.

So the Simms and I are okay.

Caleb is passionate about me not dating Finn, though. But I can deal with that because it's none of his business. And I don't think it's going to happen.

----- ----- -----

"Lizzie?" Mr. Lawrence asks.

“Yes.” I say with a start.

“Can you please come up to the board and solve the problem?”

“Yes.”

I solve it and walk back to my seat.

“Impressive, Ms. Gent.”

“Thank you.”

I zone back out.

“How did you understand that formula?” Anne asks.

“Mr. Lawrence has been trying to teach it for three days now.” Another girl says.

“I’ve known it for a while. I read math textbooks.”

The two girls’ eyes widen.

“Why?” Anne asks.

“I get bored.” I shrug.

“Well, you’re a SOS so I guess we shouldn’t be surprised by your intelligence."

I know she doesn’t mean anything by SOS but I’m still not comfortable.

“I’m not that smart. I’ve just always been ahead.” I pause. “Where’s Finn?”

“Don’t you remember him asking to be excused?”

“No.”

“Mr. Lawrence dismissed him early so he could turn in his homework he forgot.”

“Ok. Thanks. I’ve got to go. See you tomorrow.”

“Bye, Lizzie.” They both say.

I turn and almost walk into Mr. Lawrence.

“I’m sorry, excuse me.”

“It’s my fault, Ms. Gent. I shouldn’t have been standing here.”

I nod.

“Well, have a nice…”

“Ms. Gent, will you walk to the teachers’ wing with me?”

I look around for Finn.

“Sure.”

I text Finn that I’ll meet him at the car.

“Ms. Gent, how do you like the Academy?”

That question surprises me. I mean, it’s school but it’s also home no matter what state I’m in.

“I love the Academy. I love learning.” I say.

“That’s good. I’ve noticed you’ve been a little distracted this week. Did I actually manage to teach you the formula?”

I feel embarrassed that a teacher is pointing out my lack of attention. I feel bad that I didn’t learn it from him. He’s an unsure teacher and I’m not helping.

“I’m sorry. I learned it last summer when I read the book for this course.”

“Do you need to take this class, Ms. Gent?”

I stare at him.

“What is your goal for the future? What career are you preparing for? Or are you trying to be an accomplished young woman?”

An accomplished young woman was the school’s goal in 1635. I don’t want to become someone’s trophy wife.

“I don’t have a particular career in mind, Mr. Lawrence. I’m taking this class because it was recommended to give me my four classes for the year.”

“I’ve looked at your test scores, Ms. Gent. You got 85% on the senior test in tenth grade. You could take Latin, Math, and English out of your class schedule.”

“Then I wouldn’t have enough classes. I’m used to intense schooling. It’s nice to relax. My best friend just got 98% on the senior test as an eleventh grader. My score isn’t significant.”

“It is significant. My advice to you and your friend is not to let your talents go to waste.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Mr. Lawrence.” I say, as we turn the corner.

And I see Finn.

How is it he’s so attractive? I’ve known him forever and yet I’m drawn to him. It’s not fair.

“Eliza!” He says, smiling.

“Well, this is my stop. Ms. Gent, Mr. Campbell, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Finn holds the door open for him.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“I had to drop off my homework and get more for my other two classes. What are you doing here?”

Finn sounds upset. He was literally just smiling. Am I meant to understand him?

“Mr. Lawrence wanted to talk to me. I told you I’d meet you at the car.”

“Did you get my response?”

I check it.

Spirant Iustum: Stay at the classroom. I’ll be back soon.

“No. I didn’t.”

“Eliza, you can’t leave the building you’re in without me.”

“Excuse me?” I ask, annoyed.

“Someone could break into the school and hurt you.”

“What about Jenn?”

“Jennifer isn't the target. And she knows self-defense.”

“Fine. I can’t even go to the next building over, though? I’ve been trained in self-defense too. By you.”

“I know. But it's too much of a risk. I’m not just doing my job.”

I nod and get in the backseat.

Jenn opens my door.

“Hi Lizzie.” She says confused.

“You can have the front, Jenn. My bags don’t fit and I don’t feel like opening the trunk.”

“Bye, Nicole.”

“How was school?” I ask.

“It was good. Nicole, Mandy, and Elinor are really fun. Lizzie, you shouldn’t bring two bags to school. Messanger and tote bags are bad enough without carrying them both.”

“It evens me out.”

I'm not in the mood to repeat this conversation.

“How was your day?”

“Mr. Lawrence told me I didn’t need three of my classes.”

“I’d have so much more work to do at home.” Finn says.

“I’d help you with all of it.”

Not that he needs it.

“I’ll drop all the classes if you’ll make me lunch.” Finn says, smiling at me through the rearview mirror.

“No. You’d die from Lizzie’s weird concoctions.”

“I like her food.” Finn says, still looking at me.

“There’d be no one to take me home.”

“Right. We need to keep you safe.”

I glare at that and Finn stops smiling.

Jennifer talks the rest of the way home.

“Are you going to check the house?” She asks.

“No. Belle stayed home today. It’s good.” Fin replies.

I suppose that means there’s a guard in the house. I don’t like the extra security.

“Bye, Finn.” Jennifer says, running into the house.

Finn grabs my bags and walks up the steps.

“That’s not part of your job description.” I say, reaching for a bag.

“Eliza.” Finn says, exasperated.

“Yes.”

Finn puts my bags in the house.

“Eliza, I need you to be safe. It’s dangerous at the Academy because the most influential people’s children go there. That’s why I taught you some self-defense before. However, it’s even more dangerous now that you’re the Simms’ ward. I’m speaking as your friend, not bodyguard. I need you to be safe. I will do anything in my power to ensure that, even if you feel restricted.”

I hug him.

“I don’t feel restricted. I felt like a burden. But I understand now.”

“Good.” He says, pulling away. “Well, I have to go.”

He walks to the car. And awkwardly waves.

Why do we keep going in a circle of happy, angry, and awkward?

-----

“Would you like a snack, Lizzie?” Belle asks.

“No. Is it okay if I’m excused from dinner?”

Belle sits at the desk.

“Are you feeling alright?”

“I have a migraine but it will pass.”

This is my third one since the benefit.

“I’m sorry. Arthur and I got a lot of those as teens. I think it’s hereditary.”

“That’s too bad.” I say, confused.

“Sorry. That doesn’t fit the conversation. Are you sure you don’t want anything? Water? Tea?”

“I’m sure. Thanks.”

“I’ll let you rest.”

“Wait, Belle.”

She turns so quick, my brain hurts registering it.

If I don’t ask her now, I might never.

“How do you deal with bodyguards? Isn’t it annoying or weird having someone who is paid to keep you company and protect you?”

“Well, bodyguards aren’t for company.” She states. “Oh, is this about Finn?”

I squim.

“Kind of. Is that bad?”

“I know Caleb told you what he thinks. He apologizes for that. But we’ve already apologized for everything that day.” She sits down. “I’m neutral. My opinion doesn’t matter. If you want him replaced, Stephan can go to school with you.”

“No.” I say too loud and wince.

Belle smiles.

“I don’t want that. I was just thinking about bodyguards and wondering why I was so stressed about it.”

“One of my siblings had the hardest time with it. They would rather stay home than be guarded.”

“Was that Delilah or Caleb?”

I think Arthur would be fine with it.

“She used to hide when it was time to leave.”

“Delilah then.”

Belle stares at me with wide eyes.

“Yes. Sorry I was picturing it. I was in my own world.”

“No problem. I do it all the time.”

“Is there anything else you want?”

“No. I’m good. Sorry again about dinner.”

“It’s okay. Jennifer will keep us entertained. I hope you feel better.”

“Thanks.”

I hear Belle sigh as she walks out.

----- ----- -----

“I don’t understand.”

“What’s not to understand? I’m using you as a test subject.” Arthur says.

“But why? I’m not interesting.”

Arthur looks at me.

“First off, Lizzie, yes you are. Second, you don’t have to be interesting to be a test subject. You have to be human. Third, it doesn’t matter. You promised me the day because you didn’t dance with me at the benefit.”

“And five minutes is equal to 8 or more hours. What are we doing for that long anyway?”

“We’re testing a course. It’s called Childhood. We’re going to do all the things people miss about childhood.”

“But I don’t understand. Why would people come here more than once? If it’s a business venture how is it supposed to survive?”

“This will be the only location in the world. There are 7 billion people in the world. Even if 50 people come a day, it will take more than 350,000 years for everyone to come once. Shall we?”

“I guess there’s a reason they call you the mastermind.”

“Ha. They call me that because I’m the oldest. Delilah’s the number girl.”

“Has she always been that way?”

“No. She maintained the minimum at school. She didn’t use to care about the company.”

“So did she really wake up one day focused like they say?”

“Yeah. She asked to start working so she could be considered mature.”

“But she was barely 20. What made her want to start working in college?”

“Wow, you really did your research on us?”

“Wouldn’t you look up the people you were going to stay with?” He nods. “So why did she change her opinion?”

“Uh, just something happened. She was called a slacker all through school. She took two years off and traveled. She came home and announced her decision. Watch your step.” He says, offering his arm.

I take it even though I don’t need the support. It’s just a branch. I think he’s trying to change the subject.

“So where do you want to start?” I ask.

“No. No. Do you think I’m going to kidnap you for a day and then tell you what to do? We walked through the grounds to see where you want to start.”

“Let’s start with arts & crafts and see where that takes us.”

“Sounds good.”

----- ----- -----

“Okay, what inspired you to create this?”

We wore our handmade jewelry along with our dress up costumes to the sing-along movie theater. We’re currently sitting in the fort we built.

“I’ve been thinking of a girl I used to know. These are all things she couldn’t do.”

“Even the playground?” I ask surprised.

I thought every child went to the playground at least once.

“No. Well not as much as she would have liked to.”

“Oh. Why not? Was she sick?”

His mother died from cancer like mine so he might have visited the pediatric ward.

“No. She just didn’t leave her house much. She didn’t have any friends.” He says, staring off.

“That’s so sad. She must have been a lonely child.”

“Yeah.”

“How is she now?”

"I'm not sure. I hope to get to know her again."

I nod and read Jenn's text.

Jenn: Are you okay? I thought I heard you come in the room early this morning. Where were you last night?

Me: I went for a walk.

I did go for a walk around 1 am. Then I went to sleep in the ballroom in the yard. I woke myself up at 5, crying.

Jenn: Okay. Have a good day with Arthur. I have plans with Elinor.

Me: Have a good day as well.

Good thing Jenn's a heavy slepper. She believes me. She hasn't cried these last 3 weeks.

"So what do you want to do, Lizzie?"

"Like next in this course or in my life?"

Arthur laughs.

"I was asking about the course but you can answer both if you'd like."

"Well the course only has the playground and toys left and I don't feel like doing either of those so I'll answer about my life."

Arthur waits.

"I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm applying to Northwestern in November. We'll see if I get in."

"You don't need to wait on conformation. Being that you are an SOS and Peyton ward, you'll be accepted to any school. You could even go to Harvard."

"Isn't that nepotism?" I ask, skeptical.

"You could call it an advantage or perk. Some may call it nepotism that my siblings and I had our choice as well. But in reality anyone who has good test scores from Alden Academy will get into a school and if needed receive a scholarship."

"I guess. I'd just feel weird riding on my title."

"Well, then use your talents."

"That's what Mr. Lawrence told me. But I'll just get any degree I can use."

I don't mention what I told Mr. Lawrence about my talents. I think Arthur will tell me not to be so humble or something.

"Edwin Lawrence? He's a nice kid." I laugh. "What?"

"It's simply funny that you called my teacher a kid."

"He was Caleb's roommate and in Delilah's grade. To me, he's a kid. To him, you're a kid. We've come full circle."

"Basically, you're old."

"Yes. I was born a while before you. Let's call me old even though I'm still in my thirties."

I frown and look apologetic.

"Not that face. Alright you're forgiven." He laughs and suddenly stops.

"Caleb lived on campus?"

Not the most subtle change of subject but I am curious. And Arthur seems uncomfortable.

"Yeah, for senior year. But anyway as Ed said you should use your talents and get a job you like."

"I'll think about it. That's why I was asking about Delilah. She's always rushing around but tells me to enjoy myself. She makes sure I have plans every day. Not that I mind, I just don't mind being at home either. I wonder if she's living vicarious though me. Does she like her job?"

Arthur thinks about it.

"Working was an abrupt change for her. And it had only been two years since our mom died. She stopped hanging out with her friends and tried to settle into work. She does like her job. It is demanding to be so involved with her share of the company. Delilah’s projects are doing the best out of all of us. But she lost connection with her friends. She can't call them up when she has time so she works through her off time. If you want to prove you don't need plans, why don't you show her what you like to do?"

"You sure? I feel like she doesn't like me."

"Lizzie, don't think that. She likes you. She just doesn't want to overwhelm you and like I said she doesn't take a break."

"Alright. I'll invite her to hang out."

"Well. The course is over. What did you think?"

"You promised at least 8 hours. It took 6. I want my money back."

"You didn't pay any money."

"It's a figure of speech."

"We didn't go to the playground or the toy section. Also there's a lot more movies. There's even old cartoons."

"You shouldn't encourage your patrons to watch more than two movies in a row. No one needs that much TV at one time. And they left their house to do things, not watch TV. While the adult sized playground is a good idea, parents don't miss the atmosphere of playgrounds because they still go with their kids. The toy room has a lot of advertised toys. It's cool to be able to use them without buying them but most adults will become disinterested quickly."

"So what do you suggest?"

"The toys need to be from the past. People want the toys from their childood mixed modern toys. Companies need to provide a selection of safe old toys. And you need to add more stops to the course. Do you remember rainy day games in school? Games you would play in the classroom?"

"Yes. Like Dots and such."

"Yeah, you could put that in with the toys or the cafe."

"Cafe? What cafe?"

"You can't have a 8 hour course and only feed people moive food once. If you don't want people leaving and possibly not coming back, you have to add a cafeteria. A cafeteria that serves finger foods, low tea and possibly high tea, cereal, and shaped food along with an adult menu would fit the theme."

"Why would people buy cereal at a cafe?"

"While they're doing things from childhood, they'll remember cereal that they forgot about. Sometimes you just want a bowl of your favorite cereal but then you forget to buy it. Or you do buy it but by the third bowl your craving is gone."

"Okay so desk games and cereal?"

"Wait what are the two things every child wants to do? Well every girl wants to do the second one."

"What?" Arthur asks confused.

"What's the age-old thing parents yell at their children for doing? It damages the house and gives mom a lot of work."

"Drawing on walks?" Arthur questions.

"Exactly. All the hallways should be a part of the course. 'Draw where you want, no one will care.' And last but not least, a crazy make up section but away from the dress up section so clothes don't get ruined."

"My sisters used to do that."

"I always wanted to."

I don't know why but it's a dream. Too bad I have to be the leader of my dorm. And no one else has initated it yet.

"Lizzie, I'm impressed. You can have a job at Peyton today if you'd like."

I smile.

"Thanks, Arthur. But no thank you. Not until I get my degree at least."

"Alright. I'll accept that for now. Let's get changed so we can leave."

ARFID

Mental Health Awareness week was 12 days ago.

It's been a month of mental health for me. I started blogging again. I've been writing quotes and short recounts of pain. I went to a forum yesterday called "Breaking the Silence." It was nice to hear stories from others and to hear the enthusiasm for gaining understa5fnding on mental health.

I have come to accept two more disorders. I still have to talk to my doctors but I can pretty safely say I have Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder and Nightmare Disorder.

I avoid eating. I tell myself I can eat later. I restrict the foods I eat. I have about 50 safe foods so I'm better off than most people with the disorder. I have foods I have trouble looking at, even think about. My throat will start closing up and I get anxious.

But I make myself get food when I can. I force myself to eat just a little more. I'm trying to figure out what foods I can always eat. 100% safe foods. My physician told me not to go under 120. I don't know what's going to happen if I do. Right now that's 1 pound away. A 1 pound buffer, if you will. Can I keep from losing that safety net?

I was really worried about my weight from 6-9 y/o. I was in the 60s for about 2.5 years. I was terrified I'd never gain weight. That I would look gross. That I wouldn't grow correctly. That I wouldn't be average height or weight. I was used to being average.

I remember going shopping with my mom. I would choose foods that looked good to me. She'd ask about things I usually ate and I'd say no.

One memory from 2nd grade haunts me.

Mom: Purple Owl, get your backpack and come to the dining room.

Purple Owl looks at her backpack and sighs. School, again.

Purple Owl: Here I am. Do I have to go?

Mom: Yes. Here's your lunch.

Purple Owl takes the bag and opens it. Ew, a sandwich, fruit, and juice box.

Purple Owl: I don't want this.

Mom: Purple Owl, you need to eat.

Purple Owl: But I can't eat this.

Mom: Do you have your lunch ticket?

Purple Owl nods.

Mom: You can take the lunch and then you'll have two choices.

Purple Owl: But what if I don't want either?

Sisters: Mom, we're ready.

Mom, packing her bag: Okay girls. We'll be right there. Purple Owl, you have to eat something. We talked about this. You want to gain weight. You promised you'd eat lunch everyday.

Purple Owl's eyes light up.

Purple Owl: I want a Slim Fast.

Mom: They’re for weight loss or management. It's for adults. You don't need it.

Purple Owl: You've let me have some before. And if the serving size is for adults, it's different for children.

Mom: You promise to drink it?

Purple Owl bobs her head up and down.

Purple Owl: Yes. It's yummy.

Mom: And you're not taking it just to be like me?

Purple Owl shakes her head and entire body.

Purple Owl: No. It makes me hungry but it's also filling. I want to drink it.

Mom: Okay you can take it. Put the lunch bag in the fridge. Maybe you'll have it as a snack.

Purple Owl opens the pantry and chooses a chocolate Slim Fast. She makes room for it in her school bag. Purple Owl puts the lunch in the fridge. She wrinkles her nose. Not eating that today.

She skips to the living room and joins her family.

The lunch lady asked me three times if that's all I had for lunch. I think she thought my mom was neglectful, forcing me to diet, or unaware of dietary needs. She didn't know that my mom just wanted me to eat something, anything. She didn't know that I fought for the Slim Fast.

As for Nightmare Disorder, I thought everyone had nightmares, especially children. I blamed it on an overactive imagination and any intense movie or story. I didn't know that 1 to 3 bad dreams a night was a problem. I didn't know that remembering dreams for years was odd.

I have about 6 recurring dreams that started at some point in childhood or adolescence. A few years will go by between them. And each time they come back, it's like I'm welcoming an old friend. As I squeeze myself into a ball and wrap up in my blankets, I feel slightly comforted recalling the details. At least my dreams always have my back. They always want to visit.

Is that a normal way to relax from nightmares? Well it's my way. And it's not like I can go talk to someone about my bad dream in the middle of the night. Talk about my fear of going back to bed. Talk about my fear of what my brain is going to think up next.

I know about these disorders now. I'll work to get more information on them. I'll work to understand what they mean for me. And I can work with my doctors and others to find ways to face them head on. And that's a better place than I was in before.

Worst Day of 2015 - 10/14/15

So far this year I've dislocated my knee, had a reaction to medication, dreamt I was assaulted, and had a major withdrawal.

But today was the worst day of the year.

So yesterday I slept in by accident. And then I laid in bed for more than 2 hours, not wanting to live, let alone think about school projects. I had an okay day, once again not accomplishing or eating all I wanted to. And then, I had to spend time with people. People I love but don't understand me. By the end of day, I was wondering if I'm the weirdest person on the planet or an alien. I'm different and a waste.

Anyway, I was up until 1am getting ready for school. Then my meds and night routine. And off to bed.

I woke up at 5:30 am to a hazy version of my repeat assault dream. I got down from bed and started my morning routine. Drinking water I hate to start my metabolism and prepare for the heat. Eating though I don't want to. Packing food I won't want to eat. Getting my bags ready for a school day and project I don't want to go through. Trying to find clothes that fit the temperature throughout the day and my body that's wasting itself away.

I got to the bus stop, 85% convinced today would be good. Had a nice enough conversation with a guy about what time the bus was coming. And started listening to my beautiful music. The bus came. I got on.

Three minutes into the ride, I realized I couldn't do it and closed my eyes. (My sleep aid was probably still kicking in.) Music, breathing, and waiting for my stop.

Off the bus now, I went across the street and put more money on my card. Trying not to think about my account amount. Sitting, waiting, and reminding myself to breath. When the bus finally came, I sat down and immediately closed my eyes. I got off soon enough, my knee hurting form the harsh stop.

Up to my classroom, not caring about stares for mouthing and gesturing along to my music. Smiling at my teacher and sitting in the classroom with 5 other people. Putting out water and tea I didn’t want to drink but would force myself to. My headphones stayed on. My music is my lifeline, my central gravity. I did some class reading. Decided to get my grades before class, like everyone else.

Class was good as usual. My teacher is wonderful. Only problem being students not majoring in child development complaining about the discussion topic. I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. (Like everything.)

Realized after class that I really should follow through with asking my 1st teacher for the last thing I needed in my 2nd class' first aid kit. "It's just borrowing." "She's a really nice person." "The fact that you failed to obtain this one thing isn't going to ruin her opinion of you." She didn't have it. Slightly stressed (about a project I didn't care about yesterday). But talking to her made me happy. She's a nice part of my day.

Off to my next class. Started a waffle sandwich because I hadn't eaten in 2.5 hours. Forced myself to eat half. Very worried about this 20/300 point project. (If you're going to do something, you have to do it right. Right?) And then, we don't even start with it. But that's alright. My teacher is fun to listen to and very informative. My tablemates are engaging. The grading waited until the end of class.

Then I realized I didn't plan how I was get home. Found 2 buses with the least walking. (Knee hurts, after all. Want to just cut it off. And wearing full length jeans in 90+ degree weather.) But it wasn't coming for 50 minutes. Waited on campus. Music. Continued reading. Started doing my hair to do something with my hands (even though I don't believe in doing hair in public. It's amazing what you get over when you're out of energy to care). Off campus to my bus stop with my hair 70% done. Waited 20 minutes mainly in the sun. Worried my phone may die. (40% scares me while I'm out of the house.)

1st bus was 15 minutes late. Rode listening to music trying not to panic about missing my 2nd bus. Trying to convince myself to get off at my stop and not ride until wherever. (After all, I had work.)

But the 2nd bus was also late. So it was okay. Waiting in the sun, drinking juice and chewing jum. (I'm developing an oral fixation.) I got on the bus, glad I put more money on my card than I had originally planned. Once on the bus, I realized I was sweating too much (minor withdrawal and overheating). I didn't have much left.

Got off the bus. Saw my house and kept my eye on it as I tried to just get inside. Upstairs, in house, took apart my bags, and took a nap.

Woke up 3 times from a horrible food guilt related nightmare. I was having trouble breathing. Couldn't tell if it was physical or mental but it didn't matter. I was late for work. Got dressed on the coolest thing I could find, got water, and left.

I walked down the street singing my favorite calming and reassuring song. Tried to relax, turned the corner and fought a panic attack. Can't have an attack with a child (#1 fear). "Put it off."

Both of us were a little off so it wasn't as enjoyable as usual. As I walked home I told myself to just get home. It didn't work, completely.

Crying on the street has always been another big fear. And today it was realized. Twice.

Straight to the bathroom, ignoring my sister. Cleaned up, calmed down, went out and apologized. She understood. We sat together for a moment. I got a cold pack for my head and went to bed to lay down and relax. Up 30 minutes later, picked out comfortable clothes that make me feel less disgusted with my body. Cold shower, repacked my food and bag. And out I went.

I took my hair out as I walked. I changed my mind about having it up. ("So did I waste that energy earlier, the precious calories?") I smiled at an older lady because smiles are contagious and she has earned a right to joy by surviving life so long. (Is it narcissistic to think of my own smile as a gem? It's only because people tell my it's cute.)

And at this point I realized I was overreacting. Yeah the week, month, year (lifetime) hasn't been going according to plan. But moping isn't going to help. Worrying about my lack of energy (calories and patience), possible panic attacks, and bouts of misery isn't going to delay any of it.

Both my charge and I were more conversational. I enjoyed the time.

I had dinner with friends. (My excitement had been going back and forth all day.) I had fun.

I came home and got to be truly alone for the first time today. Peacefully and unstressed alone, favorite music and my phone.

Once people came home, there were moments I was unhappy with the conversations. But I was ready. Finally.

So yes, it was the worst day of this year. Yes, a couple of my biggest fears were realized or close to it. And yes, the bad part of the day takes up most of the space but I'm here.

And at the moment, don't mind being alive. What more can I ask for?

If I can make it through today, I can make it through any day.

10/15/15 update: wasn't so neutral about being alive most of the day. Woke up continuously for 3 hours with nightmares. Weak all day, physically and emotionally. I was so sure I would faint at some point. A period, 400 calories, and lots of walking will do that to you. But today (well, Friday morning at 0:31), I'm kinda liking existing. Hope I wake up feeling the same.

Snapshot of Purple Owl - 9/28/15

1) I love myself the most. I hate myself the most.
2) I had two invisible identical sisters when I was under 13. I knew they weren't real and I only thought of them when I was bored. I invented "Pink" at 4 y/o. "Periwinkle" was created at 7 y/o because "Pink's" personality wasn't for me anymore. I gave up on them when I was 9 y/o and reading all the time. The only time we all interacted was when I remembered them at 13. I did a craft project with my mirror sisters and their input. I showed them my new room and my organization system. I disliked being the 5th child. I disliked being without a partner. But it was my first attempt at creating characters so they are a fond memory.
3) Disorders:
Chronic Depression
Insomnia
Generalized Anxiety, Panic and Social Anxiety
4) Self Diagnosed:
ARFID
Nightmare Disorder
Cireadian Rhythm Sleep-Wake Disorder (desired sleep times 2-5 am & 2-5 pm)
Separation Anxiety Disorder (I hate being away from people I've deemed "safe")
5) Poser, Rebel, Determined to be Different:
Names hurt. And I wish I knew how to be "common." ... Well, not really. But it would be easier.
6) I get attached to people, places, and objects incredibly too fast. (Give me all the nouns. Lol)
7) I'm still afraid of driving.
8) There's an employee at my local Jack in the Box (fave fast food) who knows I order chocolate sauce in my root beer float. And I don't know if that makes me ashamed or proud. For now, proud.
9) Strange habits:
Fries in milkshakes (common right?)
Hot cheetos in icing
Chips in yogurt
Meat/Tomato Sauce over Steamed Broccoli
Apple & Cashews (like a Candy Apple, yum)
I can't go anywhere without an undershirt.
I always put the heaviest bag on my left side.
10) Childish Habits:
Hot milk before bed
Two security blankets - 1 for home, 1 for public
New clothing becomes a comfort for weeks.
New outerwear becomes a security source for months.
11) I love watching adaptations and parodies to see how the writers adjust stories and scenarios to fit their needs.
12) I feel most comfortable with children.
13) I want to write for a living but I don't think I'll ever be confident enough for that. So for now, I want to work with children and write for myself.
14) I love music. My favorite songwriter is Martin Johnson. My favorite voices are Steve Perry, Arnel Pineda, Jon Bon Jovi, Adam Levine, Kim Jonghyun and Lee Jinki. I pretty much love every "boy band" from Beatles to Seventeen.
15) I believe that, no matter what, one's goal should be to make others' day better.
16) 9/27 & 9/29 are my least favorite days.
The 27th reminds me of what I haven't accomplished.
The 29th makes me paranoid that I won't accomplish anything in the coming year and be back to the 27th.
17) Therefore, I determine that it doesn't matter how I feel waking up on the 28th, I will be happy with myself by the end of the day. I spend the day doing as much as I can, of what I need to and want to do. I force myself to think positively all day.
18) This is my last year as a late adolescent.
19) I dislike getting close to people. When I feel our relationship becoming stronger, I get scared. I'm afraid that I won't be someone they want. That my people will dislike who I really am. And that they'll all change their minds.
20) I hate myself the most. I love myself the most.

*21. This year reinforced my belief that the hardest and best thing is to be yourself. It was difficult to see myself through the disorders, medication, injuries, and obstacles. But I did. The most clearly I saw was 9/27 & 9/28. 19 year old Purple Owl, you were beautiful, inside and out. Let's see where my 21st year takes me.

Returning to My World

I don't trust words.

I love words so much. I love the way they look. I love how they’re sung. And I love what they mean. When their definition is black and white.

But when they can easily be confused or ignored, I don't like them anymore. And depending on which words you put before or after each one, you can mean something else entirely.

I learned what basic anorexia means the other day. It means a long-term lack of appetite. I've always tied it to anorexia nervosa, the eating disorder. It was disturbing to see anorexia listed in connection to suicidal ideation when I didn't know it existed. I'd never been aware that a lack of appetite was something to be aware of or tell the doctor.

I'm trying to get myself to eat. But I think my medication is adding to the slight lack of appetite I've had for years. I'll talk to my physician and psychologist. I need to go back to therapy and work on my feelings about my body actually working against survival.

Speaking of my physician, I have to get a new one again. I have to meet someone and tell them all about myself. If this was two months ago, I wouldn't care. But right now, I don't want to do it. Which is why I have yet to make an appointment.

In addition to going through the process of meeting someone new, I have to explain my knee situation. How am I going to tell a stranger I've given up and want to get surgery? I've only told one person in real life. How am I supposed to tell someone who doesn't know or understand me and my circumstances?

But still I'll do it. I'll get surgery if the timing is right and I'll have a clean slate soon. With my knee, my lack of appetite, and my mental state. And maybe, maybe if I work extra hard a clean slate with words.

Soon I'll use them in their black and white, as well as gray, forms. I'll stop waiting for people to read between the lines. I'll start saying the words that are hard to say.

I'm not going to hope that more people understand me because I've been hoping for a decade. And it hurts. I'll just trust the words to carry my meaning to their recipient. Any misunderstanding that happens after that is not my fault.

P.S. Sorry the post is all over the place. I just had a lot I haven't been able to say.

Update: Since I originally wrote this, I found out I can continue going to my old physician. I left that part in because it displays my thought process and fears.