Monday, August 19, 2024

Austen goes Twilight: P&P

Pride and Prejudice Volume IPride and Prejudice Volume I


Chapter 1


February 2022


It is a truth universally acknowledged that a wolf that denies their mate will die.


“The council has declared the date for the next moon ceremony.” Billy says.


Jacob sits up, instantly interested.


“In addition to adding in humans this time, the Cullens and Denali will be in attendance.”


“What?” Jacob growls. “Vampires and humans? Has the council lost their minds.”


“It’s been prophesied that this age will unite us all. How can we be united if we do not consider them as potential mates?”


“Fine.” Jacob says bitterly, swearing to himself that he will not bond with a vampire or human. Too complicated.


“I can attend right?” Seth asks.


“You haven’t transformed yet.” Billy repeats.


Jacob wishes their father would stop mentioning that. It bothers his twin so much that even after turning 18, he hasn’t connected with his wolf.


“But,” he whines, “Leah and Jacob get to go.”


“Leah is 4 years older than you. She and Jacob are Alpha and Beta. Their bonds will change our lives as we know it.”


“Fine.”


Jacob hears in Seth’s voice that he isn’t going to accept that as the final decision.


To distract his father, he asks a question.


“Are the humans and vampires being screened at least? I’ve heard of packs welcoming humans without telling them about how werewolves work.”


“Yes, Jacob. There is a ton of paperwork for both humans and vampires to fill out.”


“Good. I don’t want to be asked about scenting, or healing, or anything stupid by these stupid invaders.”


“Jacob!” Billy reprimands.


“What? You don’t see how the Cold Ones and pale faces would be an invasion? They took our land. Now they pollute our blood?”


“Just attend, Jacob.”


“I’ll be there dad.”


----- ----- -----


“Alright children, gathering round. I have the paperwork from the Quileutes.” Carlisle announces.


5 vampire “children” zoom into the room.


“Paperwork? Isn’t that a bit out of date?” Edward asks.


“Edward this is a historical event in this tribe’s lives. We can adjust our ways to fit theirs.”


“Don’t you have a journal anyway?” Rosalie asks.


“That’s different.”


“How?” She challenges.


“Somehow.” They falter.


The children laugh. Carlisle sighs.


“Sorry, Carlisle.” Rosalie says. “I couldn’t help myself.”


“What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? What chance encounter changed your life forever? What do you want your epitaph to be? What is the “Holy Grail” of your life? What do you like most about your family? What is something you will NEVER do again? What are you most likely very wrong about? What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned? What was the most memorable gift you’ve received? What chapters would you separate your autobiography into? What do you hope your last words will be? What is something you can never seem to finish?” Alice reads in hyper speed.


“Werewolf lore: though Quileutes turn into wolves and jokingly call ourselves werewolves, we are actually shapeshifters. Our only wolf trait is a connection to the full moon. We can pass on the ability through bites but it is not common. We usually pass the gene through birth. Our eyes change color based on mood: red is possessive, yellow is excited, blue is content. We have speed healing and some members of the pack can heal others. We don’t believe in personal space. We can establish mental links with anyone in the tribe and with certain mate bonds.” Emmett reads.


“Looks like you won’t be the only one hearing voices, Edward.” Jasper chuckles.


“It’s like a direct line to your love.” Edward smiles.


“I’m so excited for you all. I wish you all find a mate.” Esme says, passing out blood popsicles.


----- ----- -----


Edward


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned?


That people lie often to protect themselves from ever being wrong.


What chance encounter changed your life forever?


Meeting Carlisle


What do you want your epitaph to be?


They lived as they loved.


What is the “Holy Grail” of your life?


Loving someone


What do you like most about your family?


I like that we chose each other. And every day we further that choice.


What is something you will NEVER do again?


I will never kill again.


What are you most likely very wrong about?


My view of heaven and hell. I say vampires are soulless but this mating may change my mind. I’m already tempted to change my mind because my family has the deepest love I’ve ever seen.


What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned?


To lie successfully.


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received?


My gift of reading thoughts.


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into?


My human life, my life with Carlisle, my time as a vigilante, my time with Carlisle and Esme, my time with frienemy Rosalie, my time with Rose and Emmett, my time with the full family. Hopefully, my time with you that last forever.


What do you hope your last words will be?


I hope with my last breath I say how I love you.


What is something you can never seem to finish?


Loving you.


----- ----- -----


Emmett


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned?


That you can’t force romantic love. Rose is the most beautiful personage I’ve ever seen but it’s not meant to be.


What chance encounter changed your life forever?


Meeting Rose


What do you want your epitaph to be?


He came, he saw, he conquered


What is the “Holy Grail” of your life?


Living life out loud


What do you like most about your family?


We tease each other


What is something you will NEVER do again?


Die


What are you most likely very wrong about?


That bear tastes best after hibernation. I know I’m right about that. But I might be wrong why.


What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned?


To not play with my food lol


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received?


Gift of living longer


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into?


The good and the great. The great love


What do you hope your last words will be?


I will not die again.


What is something you can never seem to finish?


My homework. I don’t care if I don’t need to sleep. It’s not getting done.


----- ----- -----


Rosalie


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned?


To make myself as beautiful on the inside as the outside.


What chance encounter changed your life forever?


Well, it wasn’t by chance but meeting and being killed by Royce.


What do you want your epitaph to be?


Bitch was always bossing.


What is the “Holy Grail” of your life?


To be a boss bitch


What do you like most about your family?


Loyalty


What is something you will NEVER do again?


Let a man, or woman, destroy me


What are you most likely very wrong about?


I know what I’m wrong for. I’m probably wrong for teasing Edward as much as I do. But he takes himself sooooo seriously


What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned?


To control my tongue


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received?


Revenge


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into?


The okay. The bad. The ugly. The glamourous.


What do you hope your last words will be?


Something heartfelt


What is something you can never seem to finish?


Brushing my hair


----- ----- -----


Jasper


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? 


That I can’t make people happy forever


What chance encounter changed your life forever? 


Alice and the diner


What do you want your epitaph to be? 

He did his best.


What is the “Holy Grail” of your life? 


To make right my wrongs


What do you like most about your family? 


Forgiveness


What is something you will NEVER do again? 


I hope I never fight on the wrong side again. Or have negative beliefs again.


What are you most likely very wrong about? 


That I’m unforgivable


What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned? 


To stop apologizing


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received? 


My empathy even as a human, though the way I was raised ignored some of it.


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into?


The happy. The war. The lost years. Alice, Cullen. You?


What do you hope your last words will be? 


Something that matters


What is something you can never seem to finish?


Apologizing


----- ----- -----


Alice


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? 


I can’t see everything


What chance encounter changed your life forever? 


I don’t remember it. But meeting my sire


What do you want your epitaph to be? 


She was special


What is the “Holy Grail” of your life?


To matter 


What do you like most about your family? 


We don’t need to be together. But we choose to be together.

What is something you will NEVER do again?


Try to see werewolves. That gave me a headache.


What are you most likely very wrong about? 


Why I can’t see werewolves. I think it’s because I haven’t been one. But idk


What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned?


To calm down lol


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received? 


Jasper


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into?


The dark. The light. Family. You?


What do you hope your last words will be? 


I don’t want to think about it. I might see it then.


What is something you can never seem to finish?


Ruining surprises.


----- ----- -----


Bella didn’t really care about finding a mate but everyone at school was given a copy of the application and then the papers by the GSA. Why not? She figured. At least she could meet people in this new town. The seat next to her was empty in most of her classes. She talked to Jessica’s group but sometimes they bored her. It’s not their fault. They just weren’t her people. Well, maybe Angela and Ben.


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned?


That my mother was never a mother.


What chance encounter changed your life forever?


Nothing. I guess the move made my life a little more boring. But I don’t really have friends in any of the places I used to live to miss anyway. 


What do you want your epitaph to be?


She died as she lived: quietly without bothering anyone


What is the “Holy Grail” of your life?


To do something meaningful


What do you like most about your family?


Um, my mom loves me. And my dad protects me.


What is something you will NEVER do again?


I don’t have anything


What are you most likely very wrong about?


I’m feeling like this might actually mean something.


What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned?


To be a child


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received?


My truck


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into? 


Mom and me. Mom marries. Me and Dad.


What do you hope your last words will be?


I don’t think it will be important 


What is something you can never seem to finish?


Reading.





Chapter 2


March 2022


Bella pulled up to the beach. She felt ridiculous in the fancy dress that Renee had sent. It’s like her mother has no idea who she half-raised.


She walks to the bonfire and sits on a log. Jessica comes up and starts talking. Bella follows easily but doesn’t really care. She hates not liking Jessica and tries harder to participate in the conversation.


“And the wolves won’t even come until an hour from now.”


“An hour? Why?”


“Something about not overwhelming their senses. I guess we smell to them. And bonding at the same time as adjusting to the scent is a lot.”


“Smell bad or just noticeable?”


“I don’t know.”


Bella makes eye contact with a beautiful redhead. How can someone be so beautiful?


He flinches back and she looks away.


“You…” She turns at the voice and sees him much closer than he was. How?


“Hi.” She says, politely. Politeness helps hide the fact that she’s still in awe.


“You smell amazing.”


Is he a wolf? He’s not Quilete but maybe a bite transformation.


He moves away. Bella searches for him in the crowd but he blends in.


“That was Edward Cullen. A Cullen spoke to us. Wow.”


“Who are they?” Bella whispers, still out of it.


“Carlisle”


“If everyone says there are couples amongst them, why are they here at a mating ceremony?”


Jessica pauses, her gossiping expression fading.


Bella turns and smirks.


She notices another beautiful man. He’s definitely of the tribe with his russet skin and long, flowing hair.


He smiles in her general direction and then walks towards her.


----- ----- -----


Jacob fakes a smile at the pale girl, without making eye contact. Vampire is better than human but one can never be too careful.


“Hi.” He says, offering his hand. “I’m the beta, Jacob.”


“Hi.” She takes his hand. Warm. Human.


“I have to go.” He cuts off her saying her own name.


Bella is confused but shrugs it off.


Jessica walks away, no longer interested. But Angela soon replaces her.


“Was that a Quilete? I thought they weren’t coming for another 40 minutes.”


“Guess he felt like coming early. Didn’t seem too interested in talking to me though.”


“It’s okay. Someone will see how lovely you are.”


“Thanks, Angela.” Bella says, more genuinely than anything she’s ever said to Jessica.


They talk for a while. Until Bella finally spots Edward talking to a gorgeous blonde.


“You might not need a werewolf.” Angela says, astutely.


“Oh, no. I-I’m not.”


“Girl, don’t lie to me. I see you looking at them.”


“Them? No, I was glancing at him.”


“No. I was using the singular them. Edward is nonbinary.”


“Oh, interesting.”


“They’re actually the one who suggested the GSA but won’t join.”


“That’s cool. I wonder why they won’t join.”


“The Cullens are too lofty for us common people.”


----- ----- -----


“Tanya, I’m telling you she smells amazing.”


And you can’t hear her?


“I mean yeah, I’m interested in her for both reasons. But I can’t be around her. I want to kill her so bad.”


So you’ll never know what she thinks. How is it having someone who isn’t pouring their heart full of undying attraction to you through thought?


“Tanya.”


I’m mentioning it until I get a wolf.


“Would you pair with a human?”


Seeing as they are all under 18, no. I was turned at 25. I’m 25.


“And the reason your attraction to me bothers you so.”


So, so much.


“Anyway, college kids are here too.”


Hmm.


“The  Cullens are too lofty for us common people.” Angela says.


Edward and Tanya have walked closer during their one-sided conversation.


“Hi, again.” Edward tells Bella.


I thought you wanted to kill her.


“This is more important.” Edward mutters too low for human hearing.


“Oh hi, Edward. I mean hi. Sorry, my friend told me your name. I’m not like a stalker or anything.”


This poor girl is embarrassing herself is the basic thought of both Tanya and Angela.


Edward decides to put her out of her misery.


“People tend to discuss us.” He says, glancing at Angela.


“Oh, Angela isn’t a gossip. It was a different friend.“


Jessica thinks Angela.


Edward knows enough of both girls’ thought processes to agree.


“Mind if we sit?” Tanya asks,


“Of course not.” Bella almost shrieks.


The vampires around the bonfire look at her. Alice laughs when she sees Edward across from her. Another lost maiden, Alice thinks.


Only since the fear that Bella might think the Cullens are haughty overcame their planned avoidance of her, Bella may not be unrequited.


Unlike other girls.


“Bella? How was your journey to town? Is it weird how everyone was waiting for you to come?”


“A little. It was nice though. Thank you for asking.”


Edward catches the girl pinching herself.


“Where are you from?” Tanya asks.


“Everywhere and nowhere. I guess originally here. Like I was born here in Forks but we left by the time I was 4.”


“Ah. I’ve lived in many places too. Roots are hard to grow but so worthwhile. I hope this is a good move for you.” Tanya replies, glancing at Edward.


Who notices Angela watching the pair.


“Are you two related?” She asks.


“We’re cousins. I’m older.” Tanhya elbows Edward.


“I’m glad you were able to keep in contact after the adoption.”


I like this girl, Tanya thinks.


“What classes are you taking?” Edward asks Bella as the girls start talking.


“Um, I'm a junior. I’m taking English 3, calculus, Biology, American history, p.e. unfortunately, I’m a TA for a freshman class because electives were full.”


“That’s basically my schedule. My calculus and p.e. are switched. And I’m a TA in a sophomore class.”


“Are you the empty seat I have next to me in every class?”


Damn. They have to breathe that blood every day, all day? They resolve to just not breathe, starting now.


“I’m guessing so. Do you mind?”


“Do I mind what? Having you as a deskmate? Of course not. I mean I don’t mind most people. But you’re not ---” He sees her pinch herself again. “Sorry. I ramble when I’m nervous.”


“Do I make you nervous?”


Bella blushes. Edward is glad they stopped breathing.


“I mean yeah. But also for this whole mating ceremony. Wolves believe that the moon goddess is more supportive of mate in the full moon which means any relationship that starts today is blessed by the moon goddess. That’s forever. It makes me nervous to meet a wolf.”


“I’ve already met my mate.” Edward says.


Bella looks confused, then sad, pinches herself again, and smiles.


“I’m happy for you. Who are they?” She asks, bravely.


“You silly.


----- ----- -----


“You silly.” Jacob hears to his right.


He looks at the pale girl from before, only she is blushing bright red now.


She looks around and they make eye contact. She rolls her eyes and looks back at the vampire in front of her. Jacob walks behind her to get a closer look at him.’


“Yes, you.” The 17 year old says. “I might not be a wolf but I know.” They make eye contact with Jacob over Bella’s head.


Being a vampire, I know.


Jacob’s eyes widen and he drops shields all around his head. he stumbles back. Into Leah. Who growls.


He feels her press into his shield. He lifts their mind-link shield and the one with the rest of the pack. Don’t want to have anyone notice.


She huffs but lets it go. She’s stressed about her speech.


Mate, Jacob’s wolf growls.


No. He’s glad for his shields.


“Thank you to the packs for all coming from across the country for our annual mating ceremony. To the humans, as this is your first meeting you will be seeing our pack as werewolves for the first time. , son.” Billy calls, rolling towards him.


“I can’t believe you opened our land to pale faces. This is ridiculous.” Jacob calls back to his father, ignoring his wolf.


Bella and Edward stare.


"Please don‘t be afraid. As you were warned this is how we confirm our mates.” Leah claps once. “Now mingle.”


“Jacob. Move around at him. He makes eye contact with Bella. They’re mates too!


He growls and stalks home.




Chapter 3


March 2022


Now before you think the mating ceremony was completely useless as our main mates didn’t get confirmed, take in these interactions.


Hot. Leah and Rosalie think at the same time.


Rose has to force herself not to jump back at a vampiric speed.


“I heard you.” The blonde tells the raven-haired woman.


“It’s called an imprint. Only the alpha, the beta, the gamma, and delta can do it.” Leah says smiling.


Hotter.


Leah laughs.


“I’m sorry my thoughts aren’t as polite as I would like them to be.”


“No worries, love. I accept the compliments. I’m Leah. The alpha. Can I learn my beloved’s name?”


“Rosalie. But you can call me Rose.”


“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”


Rose kisses her.


“I’m sorry. Was that forward? I haven’t dated in decades. It seems socially acceptable. But I don’t know if it’s accepted in werewolf society.”


“I did kiss back. So…”


“Wait, does that mean I’m Luna?”


“You are.”


“Wait isn’t that like the boss bitch?”


“I mean, I’m boss bitch. But yes, you’re in charge of submissive wolves and all non-wolves.”


“Badass.”


----- ----- -----


“So tell me how wolves know who their mate is?” Alice asks Brody.


“Our inner wolf tells us.”


“Feel anything?” She asks leaning in.


“No.”


“Fine.”


She flitters to the next Quileute.


“Feel anything?” She asks Collin.


“No.” He says, confused.


“Feel anything?” She asks Paul.


“Who are you?”


“Alice. Am I your mate?” She goes at vampire speed.


“Uh, no.”


“Feel anything?” She asks Quil.


“No.”


He laughs as she moves on, having watched her leave confusion in her wake.


“Feel anything?” She asks Embry.


“Mate.” He says.


She cheers and jumps into his arms.


He catches her before she hits the ground.


“I like you.” He says.


“I’m glad. I’m fun.” She responds, leaning into his neck to scent him.


----- ----- -----


“Sorry about my sister.” Emmett tells Paul.


“She’s spunky. I like ---” He looks Emmett in the eye. “Hi, I’m Paul.”


“I’m Emmett.”


“Mate.”


“Me? I get the hot muscly guy?”


“I believe that’s my line.”


“Oh, yay. Two Pauls.” Seth says.


“You’re not supposed to be here.” Paul whispers.


“So don’t tell my dad.”


Paul moves Emmett next to him to hide Seth.


“He literally just wheeled by. This is a suicide mission.”


“You just lifted me like I was a feather.” Emmett says.


“We can all do that since we’re wolves.”


“You’re not.” Paul reminds Seth.


“I can feel it. My mate is here and I’m going to meet him.”


“How’s it going, Emmett?” Jasper asks, walking up.


“Good. This is my mate, Paul. This is, I don’t know his name.”


Jasper turns to Seth at those words.


“Mate.” Seth says. “Shit, Paul I’m about to transform.”


“What? Now?”


“Yes, now--” Seth takes a step back.


Paul moves Emmett and Jasper away.


A sandy-haired wolf stands on all fours where Seth was.


“Who shifted early?” Leah asks, walking up with Rose. “Why don’t I recognize them?”


“It’s Seth.” Paul says, grinning.


“Seth! Are you finally ready to be my Delta?” Leah asks, looking into her brother’s eyes.


He nods. Then pushes past her.


“Hey.” She starts to raise issue. Paul puts his arm out.


Seth walks up to Jasper. He puts his head on the ground.


“Yes. Of course, I accept you as my mate.”


“He’s already able to mind link?” Paul asks.


Leah looks focused for a moment.


“No, I’m not sensing any mind links.”


“I can read emotions. He felt sad and well a little ashamed.” Jasper clarifies. “I don’t care that you took a while to transform. I’m just glad we met.” He says, looking the wolf in the eyes.


“Does that mean everyone is mated?” Rose asks, looking around at her siblings.


“I am.” Alice says, on Embry’s back.

 

“I am.” Emmett says, kissing Paul’s cheek.


“I am not.” Tanya says, coming up.


“Well, you’re not a sibling but I care about you enough.”


“Rose.” Alice and Leah scold.


“Is there a wolf without a mate?” She calls.


Brody, Ethan, Collin, Quil, and Sam raise their hands.


“Come, look into my cousin’s eyes.”


“Thanks for making our meaningful ceremony sound dumb.” Leah jokes.


Her entire pack stares at her.


“What?” She asks.


“You’re not being strict and uncomfortable.” Sam says.


When Sam and her didn’t mate on her 18th birthday, they broke up on good terms.


Tanya starts looking into eyes.


“You’re cute.” She tells Sam.


“Good. Cause we’re mates.” He smiles.


“Oh! Can I get a piggyback ride too then?”


“Course babe.”


“Oh, and I might not be mated to her but I just asked Angela out.”


“Poly?” Sam asks.


She nods.


“I can do poly.”


“What happened to your over 18 rule?” Edward asks, walking up with Bella.


“She was held back by a racist teacher. So she’s already 18.” Tanya says. “Angela.” She calls.


Angela walks over with Ben.


“Yes, babe?” Angela asks.


“Babe, I’m mated with Sam.”


“Cool. Congrats. He and Ben can come on our date.”


“You’re dating Ben?”


“Not yet. But he asked me right after you did.”


“Nice.” Tanya says, offering a high five. Angela has to jump a little since Sam is sooooo tall.


“Hey, love.” Rosalie says.


“Yes, love.”


“If you’re alpha, are you the biggest?”


“No. That would be Jacob.”


“Who is Jacob?” Edward asks.


“I think he left already.” Bella says.


“Yeah, well, Leah is the fastest and strongest.” Embry says.


“Stronger than my man?” Emmett asks, gesturing with the hand on Paul’s shoulder.


“Easily.” Paul replies, with a shrug.


The wind shifts. All the vampires breathe in Bella’s scent. Jasper feels Edward’s bloodlust. They accidentally started breathing again.


“A singer’s bloodlust.” Jasper whispers.


“A human.” Rose mutters with disgust.


“Rosalie, don’t out yourself.” Leah whispers.


Bella looks around the group.


“So, mates huh?”


They laugh out of joy, frustration, discomfort.





Chapter 4


March 2022


Bella can’t believe it. She went to this event thinking she might end up with a werewolf for a mate. But she got a normal, everyday guy. If being GQ beautiful was normal.


----- ----- -----


Leah


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? 


To let go of puppy love


What chance encounter changed your life forever? 


Meeting my best friend and ex, Sam


What do you want your epitaph to be?


She led faithfully

 

What is the “Holy Grail” of your life?


To be the best Alpha I can be


What do you like most about your family? 


Dedication


What is something you will NEVER do again? 


Fall for the wrong person


What are you most likely very wrong about?


Hurting Sam more by refusing to stop being friends.

 

What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned? 


To play nicely


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received? 


My grandparents’ wedding rings as a chain necklace long enough to wear when I transform.


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into? 


Childhood. Puppy love. Alpha alone. Mated Alpha


What do you hope your last words will be?

Something meaningful


What is something you can never seem to finish?


Stroking Jacob’s ego


----- ----- -----


Seth


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? 


That people won’t always be happy


What chance encounter changed your life forever? 


Two eggs dropping AND getting met with sperm to allow me and Jacob to be siblings.


What do you want your epitaph to be? 


He stayed positive


What is the “Holy Grail” of your life? 


Making people smile


What do you like most about your family? 


Love


What is something you will NEVER do again? 


Wrestle Leah


What are you most likely very wrong about? 


That there are no evil people on Earth. But could there be, please?


What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned? 


When to listen to my dad


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received? 


My love of people


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into? 


The beginning. The middle. The end


What do you hope your last words will be? 


“Tell me you love me. I’ll love you forever”


What is something you can never seem to finish?


Thinking


----- ----- -----


Paul


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? 


That life will never stay stable


What chance encounter changed your life forever? 


Meeting Rachel. Well did I meet Rachel? We’ve known each other since birth


What do you want your epitaph to be? 


He stayed loyal


What is the “Holy Grail” of your life?


Being the best partner I can be.

 

What do you like most about your family? 


That it’s huge. I mean there’s my immediate family. But the whole pack and tribe is family. That marries within. Yikes maybe not.


What is something you will NEVER do again? 


Wrestle Leah


What are you most likely very wrong about? 


That my mate will hate me. Or think I’m dumb. I hope.


What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned? 


To stop talking


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received? 


Rachel naming her son after me. I mean middle name but still. Billy Paul Black is a strong name.


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into? 


Early years. Preschool. Kindergarten. Elementary. Middle, High. That time I was high after Leah destroyed me wrestling and had wonderful images and dreams. Adulthood. I guess that will be split into multiple chapters too.


What do you hope your last words will be? 


I shall never die


What is something you can never seem to finish?


Speaking


----- ----- -----


Embry


What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? 


Don’t tease Jacob. He hurts.


What chance encounter changed your life forever? 


Meeting Jacob. Being in the same class as Jacob.


What do you want your epitaph to be? 


He protected her.


What is the “Holy Grail” of your life? 


Being a good werewolf


What do you like most about your family? 


Mom’s honesty


What is something you will NEVER do again? 


Tease Jacob. Even though he deserves it. All the time.


What are you most likely very wrong about? 


That my mate will love me from the start. I hope I’m wrong.


What’s the biggest lesson you NEVER learned? 


How to talk to Jacob without his ego shutting everything down.


What was the most memorable gift you’ve received? 


My dad’s wedding ring.


What chapters would you separate your autobiography into? 


Um, I’ll know when I write it


What do you hope your last words will be?


Epic


What is something you can never seem to finish?


Keeping secrets.


----- ----- -----


None of the pair wanted to part. Alas, they had school the next day.


Bella was thrilled with the idea that she would have a deskmate.


“So where were you?” She asks Edward sitting down, in English.


“The last few days we were camping. We go on sunny days.”


“Doesn’t that mean you miss a lot of school?”


“It’s not sunny here often.” Edward chuckles.


“That’s true.”


“Do you miss the sun?” He asks.


“Is it that obvious?”


“A little.”


“Well, you'll just have to make the move worth it." Bella says, brazenly.


"Bet." Edward says just as confident.


----- ----- -----


Edward takes her to Seattle that weekend. He wants to let the moon-mated of his siblings have their time introducing their mates to Carlisle and Esme.


They joke and tease with ease. Bella is confused because people always tell her she's got an old soul but Edward is on a new level. He randomly mixes in slang but it feels so forced. Like he's supposed to talk like he's from the 20s. It's a good look on him.


They run into Jacob.


"My dad paid me to meet up with you two." Jacob says, sliding into their booth next to Edward.


Vampire is still better than human. Even when said vampire is staring at you like you told his secret.


"Why?" Bella asks confused.


"He thinks that being friends with you will help my prejudice against the species as a whole."


"So you telling us you had to be bribed to even sit with us, is supposed to help that how?" Edward asks.


"I don't know. Forget it." He leaves the booth and disappears into the mall.


"Well, let's not let him ruin our afternoon." Edward says.


"But how did he find us?" Bella asks.


"I told Alice and Jasper where we were going. Their mates are his best friend and younger brother."


"But still in the whole mall, he just happened to bump into us."


"That is strange. Maybe he got a good whiff of our scents at the bonfire." Edward says.


"Maybe."


Jacob is a strange one. But not as interesting as Edward is.

Austen goes Twilight: S&S

Colonel Brandon - Edward
Marianne - Jacob
Elinor - Bella
Mrs. Dashwood - Billy and Charlie
Edward - Mike
Willoughby - James
Margaret - Bree
Lady Middleton - Esme
Sir _____ - Carlisle
Mrs. John Dashwood - Renee
MR. John Dashwood - Phil
Mrs. Jennings - Alice
Charlotte Palmer - Leah
Mr. Palmer - Rose
Mr. Brandon older - Emmett
Mrs. Brandon - Paul
Eliza - Jasper
WIlloughby's bride - Victoria
Mrs. Ferrars - Caius
Mr. Robert Ferrars 0 Alec
Anne - Seth
Sister to Anne - Quil/Embry

 "Honey, I know you're upset..." Phil begins.


"Upset? You think this is me upset? This is my livid. This is me pissed. This is me calm."


Phil is stuck on whether or not to mention to his new mate that the last doesn't fit the first two when his vampire hearing picks up Charlie and Billy arguing in the hallway.


Phil's office door opens.


"There's a single reason to keep us, Renee. That reason is your daughter." Charlie scowls at her. "Just because I finally found happiness, you're going to forget your responsibilities?"


"You have no right to tell me what my responsibilities are. You didn't disclose the fact that you had werewolf blood."


"It was centuries ago. My latent ability to mate..."


Renee scoffs.


"My latent ability to mate," he repeats, "created the beautiful young woman you're ready to ship out because Billy and I mated. After you left me for, with all due respect and affection Phil," Phil nods. "for Phil."


"Leave by four tomorrow." Renee decrees.


And Phil begins to understand the woman he is drawn to.


----- ----- -----


Phil manages to convince his soon to be wife that Bella and Jacob, by default of being her step brother, have a right to go to college.


His alta mater.


Renee is satisfied by knowing her ex will follow their daughter. Beside an annual school function, there will be no reason to feel the shame of having mated with a wolf.


Yes, Renee has been a vampire less than a twelvemonth, but a visit from Caius had filled her with hatred for the shapeshifters.


----- ----- -----


"My congratulations and my condolences." The ancient vampire whispers as soon as the waiter pushes Renee's chair into the table.


Renee is stunned into silence.


"For I hear you have a fake werewolf as a step child."


Renee, not bigoted yet, but still ashamed of Charlie ever moving on, blushes.


"Oh, Jacob is not my step child." She corrects.


"A marriage is not the same as mates but it does have lasting effect. This Jacob is related to your child and to your spouse, therefore he is also one of your own. And now Philips." Caius says, disgusted.


Reneee blushes further at the thought that she has ruined her mate's status. And the implication that her having settled for Charlie weakened her connection with Philip in the eyes of the supernatural.


The supernatural world, being new and impressive, was something to admire. And she yearned for its approval.


"I will send them away." She promises.


"That would help, of course. But what Philip really needs is a powerful vampire mate, not a, well you know." Caius doesn't pretend to not hold humans in utter contempt.


Renee blinks, tearing up at the fact that her to be husband is withholding the species from her.


"Will you be my sire?"



Chapter 2


"Bella? Jacob?" A blond asks walking up.


"Yes?" Jacob responds for his shy stepsister.


"My name is Mike. I was chosen as your guide since I am human president."


A human? Bella likes him already.


"Nice to meet you." She smiles.


Jacob lets out an internal sigh.


In the month since Renee had kicked them out of Charlie's, now Phil's house, he hasn't seen her truly smile.


Jacob follows the pair around the school. Mike is not his type but Bella seems pleased.


On the last turn, Mike waves to a group walking in the opposite direction.


"These are the prefects for our dorms - Alice, Leah, Rose, and Emmett." He introduced pointing to each.


"Hello." Emmett grins.


"No hazing." A person calls from down the hall.


Emmett sighs and looks behind him.


"And that buzzkill is my sibling, Edward Brandon."


Jacob looks up. He's heard that name praised for ages. And the person is as handsome as they say.


Too bad Jake's a wolf.



Chapter 3

Chapter 3


“Well!!!” Alice shouts. “Mike, you are doing such a great job with Bella here, I’m sure. But Jacob. Jacob you must want to see the more supernatural aspects of the school. Bella I’m sure you wouldn’t mind.”


All the superhumans can smell the blood flow to Bella and Mike’s faces without even looking.


“Right, well. Carry on.” Alice commands, pushing the two a little too hard.


They fall and kiss cheeks. Even more blood. Jacob hears some heading to parts he doesn’t want to connect with his sister. But he’s happy for her.


“Bye!” Alice shouts again, pulling Jacob away at super speed. “Edward!” She calls as she reaches them. She grabs their arm. “Come along.”


Edward opens his mouth, looking at Jacob and closing it looking at Alice.


“I can see the future. Edward can read minds. So we don’t talk out loud a lot.


“You can read minds?” Jacob asks, taking this moment to check on his sister.


Bella and Mike are standing with some assistance from Rose and Emmett. Leah makes eye contact with Jacob and smirks. He smiles back.


A friend already.


“You are distracted.” Edward observes.


“My apologies, your honor.”


“It is fine, love.”


Edward freezes. So Jacob freezes.


He would not have felt anything from the use of love in Edward’s British accent, if Edward hadn’t reacted so intensely.


“Love, love, love.” Alice sings, running away.


“Is she always that weird?” Jacob asks, giving Edward some space.


Physically, emotionally, and mentally as he shields his mind.


Edward has space to pretend they hadn’t heard Jacob’s thoughts before they were introduced.


“Yes. And more. You should have seen her getting Leah and Rose together.”


A pause.


“As she’s trying to get Mike with my sister.” Jacob adds.


“As she is.” Edward agrees. “Your sister?” They ask in surprise.


“Yes. My sister. Surely, you’ve heard the disgrace that was Charlie, a part wolf, mating with my father, a part wolf.”


“And you are full wolf?”


“Yes.”


“I don’t follow wolf news much.”


Jacob’s back aches.


“I have to go.”


----- ----- -----


"I'm sure he didn't mean it." Bella insists.


"The face he made when he said wolf, Bella. It ... it hurts in a way you can't understand."


Right. Because she's not Supernatural.


"You may have misunderstood him. Maybe he meant that he hasn't yet." She tries again.


"And he will be moved to out of love for me?" Jacob snarks.


"There's no reason to get snippy." Bella huffs.


"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We have both been shunned from our homes."


"I just..... What the fuck is vampire law? Humans are below vampires and wolves even lower. The fact that my stepfather now owns both my home and my stepdad's. That is pointless. He had a home. Mother could have awayed there with him."


"Very true. Let's focus on the good." Jacob tries to meet his sister where she is and take her back to a better place. The place she was before he brought up Edward. "How do you feel about Mike?"


She ducks her head.


"He's nice."


"Nice? Nice gets you married now, does it?"


"God, Jake. We're 21. Who cares about marriage?"


"Not you."


Bella nods.


"Until Mike."


She throws a pillow at him. Which isn't in her best interests as he throws one back. And he has a lot more stamina than her.



Saturday, August 17, 2024

 How my 2024 has been going:


January - started a new job

February - started working on publishing

March - quit my job

April - home for 5 weeks

May - new, new job

June - hell

July - hell part 2

August - suicidal

Monday, January 15, 2024

2024 Me

I had a life before 2023. Problem was it was a reactive life. I did the things I was expected to do in the circumstances I was given.


I never looker for things I wanted. I di things with passion because I know no other way to be. But that still wasn't being me.


58 life experiences:

1995: being born into a hellhole

1996: intermittent hearing - home with mommy

1997: shelter

1998: best friends: Jehovah, Mommy, and 4 year old

1999: first time a friend moved on without me.

Wanting to die.

2000: Speech and being hated by kindergarten teacher. Throwing up on after school teacher. Sticking a paper clip in an outlet to make a key and escape day care.

2001: misremembered but 9/11 changed the world.

2002: sick mommy

Teacher made me pee my pants.

2003: sick/dying mommy

2004: lose mommy. No longer allowed to miss two fifths to half of the school year. Felt i was no longer someone's precious child. I was no longer beloved.

2005: coasting through existence. Start of puberty.

2006: Last Graduation.

Baptism

2007: just existing - starting to go from disliking everything to hating everything.

2008: wanted aunt to stop existing. Missed my brother's bed. Want to but have no way to kill myself. First therapy appointment went horribly and I refused to go back.

2009: falling in love and mourning him at my graduation party - watched Thunder music video at least 10 times during party on brand new iPad touch. Didn't realize I was looking at bikinis as much as swimsuits.

2010: being basically out for my first season at 14. Not being treated like a kid, or even a minor, any more. Only moment - my guardian didn't care that my 18 year old sister was out past midnight but wanted to know where the 14 year old was. Only curfew in my life. Last semblance of caregivers love.

2011: existing. Being scolded everywhere. Self published book. Struggling with school.

2012: struggling to care anymore. Therapy.

2013: Graduation - didn't go.

3 months in Oklahoma.

2014: pioneering. Again with the scolding but having now been told we weren't family but roommates.

2015: college. Finally making more than $200-$400 in a work month.

2016: kicked out of family, house, and state. Had to finish school to leave. May - Feb 2017 hell. 

2017: train move to OKC. Brother drove me to train. I waited for a real apology. I knew I was still kicked out but something. Something about ages 3-20. The last 9 months had been eggshells.

Nothing.

OKC and work.

2018: weird exploitative friendships. Convincing people to give me attention. But not needing them at the same time. Wanted to appear normal to those back home.

Nephew moved.

2019: bestie moved in. And I'm deeply sorry for being selfish in why she moved.

2020: went insane. First attempt.

2021: still insane. Second attempt.

2022: hell if I know. But I do know. It was everything 3-15 year old me knew was coming one day: sexual assault, relationship betrayal, suicide attempts (I was only supposed to have one in life. Ever. And it was supposed to work. Goddammit.), homelessness.


2023 was how 2020 started out. I was unapologetically living. The universe had shown 7 times it rejected my wish to die. That I had to survive. Nay, live. Nay, thrive.


January - longest time out of mental hospital in 4 months

February - writing

March - agoraphobia

April - focus

May - music

June - job and Pride

July - exploring

August - bittersweet

September- back to basic surviving

October - did it happen?

November - existing

December - resting to thrive again next year


I had my first happy birthday song September 2022. I had my first party Sept 2023. I edited everything I've ever written, publishing 12 works.


I fought for my right to be heard. I've always loved to talk. As soon as my mommy got my hearing worked out, I heard my family say they regretted me learning speech.


But I never had people understand.


Maybe it's not kids knowing they are trans by 5 or gay. But knowing they are different by 5. I wanted to be normal. By 10, I wanted off this ride.


This is what I'm counting as my first rotation around the sun.


So happy 15 months of consciousness, beautiful child! Surround yourself with people who know how to forgive and actually say sorry.


And always, always take accountability for your choices. Never choose what others want you to. Again.


-

KenJin Rin Thom



Saturday, December 2, 2023

First Podcast for Rin Jin Brown

Posted 10/18/23


Recorded a few months before


I had been looking for a show to watch so there’s a bit of rambling about what I was watching. Heartstopper season 2 and started Young Royals.


Y’all, Y’all. I’m in some (redacted). I love me right? I thought at the beginning of this year, I did not need a partner ever again. And then I kinda dated a guy. It was a thing. Then I kinda had a partner. Like 6 of them. I can’t think.


Redacted

Redacted

Redacted


I could deal. I like me! I like hanging out with me. I like going around town with me. I like sleeping.


No, I don’t. That’s a lie. I have very bad dreams. They’re awkward and creepy. And stick with me forever.


I had a dream that my friend’s mom had died of cancer. Probably because my mom had died of cancer.


Her daughter had just gotten married. And she was like “be my daughter.” And I was like “No!” But I kinda like pretended, because I’m a liar! (odd voice)


I just kinda let her be. Let her do her weird things. People tried to force adopt me a lot and I never thought it was chill. But I don’t know. How do you tell maternal people that you don’t need a mom?


That you have three. You have a dead mom. Who was still very much alive and don’t steal her place because you’ll never compare to her.


You had an aunt who sucked but was still there. Kinda


You had a brother who was teased about being your second mom. Before your actual second mom came, your aunt.


So then, don’t force me to accept me as my mother.


But I had a dream that lasted a year and a half. That’s not the longest. I’ve had ones that lasted 7 to 9 years.


But it was a long one and she was slowly dying of cancer. She was getting sick. Losing her hair.


I don’t think my mom lost her hair until like the last month of her life.


But she (the mom in my dream) started losing her hair. And then like her funeral. I don’t think I dreamt of her funeral. But her husband came to meeting and I gave him a big hug and was like “how ARE you?” after she died.


Um, so then I woke up. And someone mentioned them like that day or the next day. I had the dream like Monday or Tuesday. I saw her on Thursday and I almost cried. Like it would have been so weird if I just started balling at the hall. Like she was not died. In my head, she was sooo dead.


And I’ve had a lot of dreams. Really, really abusive, horrible dreams. And I’m like this is not real, is it? And after I wake up for like 5 or 10 minutes, I’m like “is that real? Is that my life? Is that the situation I’m in?” 


And it’s really, really overwhelming and really scary. And I have had to straight up tell people “like can we talk? Because I had a bad dream and I just wanted to make sure we’re alright.”


So yeah, I do not like sleep.


But in very weak stages of my life, I’ve survived hell. Multiple times. Pause. Multiple times.


Redacted for someone who has BPD. Like sometimes I wonder if I even have BPD and then something like this happens. And like last time an FP left me. Well, they didn’t leave me. I left them actually. But anyway.


I was inpatient in the mental hospital. And there was this kid, like 20 and he just felt so comfortable. And this was after (redacted but probably a count of how many hospitals I’d been in that year). And I was just not (redacted, comfortable?) and I had my year plan. And I had attempted a couple times at this point. For the year. And I just, long pause. I just couldn’t. Exist.


And there was this girl and we were friends. And she was real chill. And then like I think I slept all day the day she left. And I didn’t get to say goodbye. And that really hurt. So then like that same day or the next day he came. And (redacted). It energized me. He was real chill. I don’t know if I felt this like immediately. I don’t know if this thing has a feeling. But he’s never been kissed. He’s never been sexual. And after my assaults. It was just very nice to be in masc company without being vulnerable. Or I could be vulnerable without being a victim. And we just talked and like (redacted).


I think it was my second week there. Or like it was my second week but my second or third time being in the facility. In a couple months. Okay, so this is just going to be a story time. Because it’s like 7 minutes in and there’s a lot more to say.


But um, I. I met him on Thursday. And I made the mistake (playing Marry, Kiss, Kill, which is a great game to play inpatient. It is a great game because it never ends. And I think the main rule should be don’t talk about the people there. You can go back so many years and there’s so many celebrities. Thousands.).


So tell me why this douchebag who had the audacity to tell me. He was like “humor is great when you are depressed. Like I am the funniest person at this table. And I have the most trauma.” And I was like “excuse me sir. Excuse me.” 


Why are we rating people’s trauma? I don’t think he should have said that. I don’t compare my own trauma to other ones of my traumas. Don’t you dare compare my trauma. You don’t know anything about my story. You don’t compare it to her. You don’t compare it to them. No. Don’t. No.


So like I was really upset. And I was like. Like in my head, the number one reason, not saying anything, I’m comparing my own traumas again and I shouldn’t. But he was there because he was depressed. LONG pause. Several seconds. A minute. A minute and a half.


Um, depression sucks. I think, Bipolar type 2, BPD, and chronic depression. I don’t know if they still say I have chronic depression because of the other ones. But if I also have chronic depression with those two things. It means that some people with BPD and Bipolar have mania, full mania.


It means that people either have full mania, or I call it contentment for Bipolar type 2. It’s not as intense as Bipolar type 1. But maybe I don’t know. Maybe I just have really chill Bipolar type 2. BPD is intense emotions. You’re 100 everything. You’re 100 scared, 100 happy, 100 sad, you’re 100.


If I have BPD, Bipolar 2 and chronic depression, that means compared to people who have (redacted), I am even more often depressed. My happy state (I hate the word happy. I don’t like the word happy. I use content.), my content state is still depressed. I can be content, and then like if I just died right now or tomorrow. If I just didn’t wake up, whatever. Depression sucks!


But having been inpatient like 16 times now, no like 13. Having been inpatient 13 times, the time when I was depressed. My first inpatient stay in 2019 when I was depressed. Vs at that point I had had 5 attempts. In my life, 5 attempts in less than 3 years. I’d been assaulted, I’d been in toxic relationships.


Yes he is 8 years older than me. Yes he was a soldier. Yes, he learned how to drink his own pee. Does not matter. To rank depression and then say like he’s the most depressed person at the table. My depressed stay and my 5 times tried to kill myself stay were completely different.


There were times when I (redacted) for no reason other than life was hell. And he was like “I killed people.” and I’m like “I tried to kill the most important person in my entire life. Have you done that yet?” And again, maybe his trauma is bigger than mine. Maybe he’s the worst off person in the entire planet. Which I don’t believe in. I think in your entire life, you’ve probably been the most depressed person in the world. BPD is intense emotions all the time. You’re 100.”


Anyway he hinted at it so much for the next day that the kid figured out.


Spectrum. There are 8 billion people on the planet. You have either been bottom 4 billion or top 4 billion. It’s just. That’s how life is. So no one has the right to say that they are the most anything. Ever. the most of you ever in your life. Sure. But don’t compare yourself to a single other person.


Anyway, this guy has the audacity to ask, who in the room out of all the guys, ignoring the fact that I’m pan and ace, who out of all the guys in the room, would I want to fuck.


And my stupid brain said this kid. I was not attracted to him. I was not attracted to anyone in that room. But because of my assaults, I knew that he would not do that. That he would be…. I almost said lover. Ew. I don’t even want to think of him in that term. And I didn’t mean to. It was just. It was just…. me being blunt. I’m always blunt. And I always answer and I shouldn’t always answer. And I tell the truth. But, even though I’m a pathological liar. I’m not a pathological liar. That’s like an actual disorder. But I’m such a liar. And then I tell the truth. And I don’t understand why.


Sometimes I can tell the truth. And sometimes I can lie. And I can’t do it at the times I actually need to.


I should have just been like “you. What are you going to do about it?”


So then he hinted at it for the next day and a half so much that the kid figured out. And then I had to have a sitdown moment by myself Friday night and be like why do I want to be around him. Like I was like, like I said I’d been asleep the last 5 or 6 days. For like 17 hours a day. I was missing all my meals. I was only waking up for my meds. They had taken away my morning meds which probably didn’t help. I’d been on all my medication for 3 or 4 years. Like my meds know me. My body knows my meds. So they took away my morning med. And there was no reason for me to wake up for breakfast. There was no reason for me to wake up for lunch.


Um, I was eating like 200 calories. I was very lethargic. I was madly depressed. I was still suicidal. I don’t like groups at that place.


So yeah, I basically had no reason to wake up. This kid, I swear, I woke up for breakfast the day after meeting him. I was, I was aware. He put up with so much shit from me. And if I ever meet him again, I want to apologize.


So the guy who asked me, he spent the time humming the wedding march.


I was bothering him so much but he was a sweetheart and putting up with it. And I think it was a little distracting him from his situation. I held back so many times, so many times. And I would do something stupid and bug him.


I think, I think we had dominos and I took one and kept aiming it at his stomach. It was sooo weird. I was a child again. And like, he was just so endearing the whole time and he put up with me.


Um, but on Friday I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. I didn’t want him think that there this person 7 years older than him creeping on him, like I want to …. I wasn’t even thinking like that.


So I tried to explain to him what a BPD person’s FP is. Favorite person. And like that’s even scarier probably. At least everyone’s used to lewd ideas about them. y’know?


But being like “you are making and breaking my life right now”. Maybe that was a bit intense. And he didn’t fully understand it and that’s fine. (11/26/23 - if I was ever to be inpatient with another fp, I would not explain it. It’s too much to put on a fellow person who is suffering.)


Um, but it was just so sad because I knew I was going to Griffin. I had been at one hospital for 2 weeks. They let me leave while I was feeling suicidal. I had been to emergency care, I’d been to my own mental health place. Um, they sent me back. This was like my third time at this facility. And I knew I was going to intensive care because everywhere is barely 2 weeks. And so it takes 3-6 weeks for your medications to settle. And they were messing with mine.


Anyway, um, last year was hell. I was homeless. I’m still technically homeless because I’m not on the lease (as of 11./26/23 STILL not on the lease). And so, every single doctor had this opinion that I was risking my life for shelter. Which is kinda fair.


I um, no. I had this suicide pact with myself, this suicide plan for 18 months regardless of, before I became homeless. So I probably would have been attempting all those times without this. Being homeless wasn’t helping. I had also been assaulted. I hadn’t been in therapy. And a bunch of other things. And I’m still not in therapy (as of 11/26/23 I’ve been in therapy almost 4 months.)


They, they decided that I was taking up other people’s space. Basically that my life wasn’t as important as other people’s. And I was not ….. Pause….. I’m feeling sad right now. And I’m very ADHD because I’ve had like 7 topics and haven’t explained why I’m talking about this. But.


I was so lost.


And he was this breathe of fresh air.


And I could just forget. About everything that I had been through.


And just act.. … like a stupid 9 year old boy.


Sorry boys. But you know the whole stereotypical boy with a crush.


I guess I had a squish. Idk. There’s a lot of terms. But it wasn’t romantic and it wasn’t sexual.


But I just.


I just needed him.


And he had to put up with me needing him.


And I was going to this hospital possibly for months. Until I could find housing.


So it wasn’t as intense, it was as (redated) as the girl before him. (11/26/23 untrue.)


I-I just processed y’know, someone leaving me. Someone that I had latched on to in a matter of minutes, hours, days. And so.. I could do this again. He could leave.


And I knew he was leaving. He, poor child, his story was so sad. And I feel so bad for bugging him.


I guess that’s my top symptom of mental health issues. Being unable to stop myself from bugging him.


If I, if I----excuse me. If he cursed me out, if I realized I was not making his life enjoyable. He was laughing, he was smiling. He was blushing a bit. But if I really thought I was making an issue, I would have stopped. I would have gone and laid down in bed and just like frozen. And I don’t think I did that;


If he ever hears from me again, it will be “Thank you so much and can I give you a hug?”


But he um, I didn’t want to see him Monday morning (that doesn’t sound right. Or possible), oh that’s what I was saying.


He had a reason to be there. He had attempted. It was very dangerous. And do I think he should have got out as soon as he got out, no.


But it had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t because I wanted him to be in my life. It’s just that I was worried about him.


But Monday morning, he got there Thursday night, Monday morning they um, it was not quite morning. No, it was. It was Monday morning at like 11 and everyone was going back to see their teams. My team meeting was boring because they were like this is your third time here. There’s no reason for you to be here. Well there is a reason. But like we’re just trying to make the system work. We’re trying to get you to this long term hospital.


Mental health in America. Mental health anywhere. Mental health struggles. Mental health life.


So I didn’t really care about being with him. I wasn’t expecting many people to go home since it was Monday. I wasn’t epecting anyone who came after Wednesday to go home. Because they generally wait the full 72 hours to 108 hours to release. They came on Thursday night so Friday was the only day that counted. Saturday and Sunday don’t count because the mental health team isn’t there.


So I wasn’t expecting anyone to go home. I wasn’t expecting to go anywhere. Um, I was just expecting to continue our week and have Tuesday. So one of my friends, my female friend, was having a moment and I let her go to the women’s side. And as she was leaving the boys said to go check on her. I said I was going to give her a few more moments. She had just gotten done with a phone call. And I guess it went bad.


So I went and talked to her. And saw what was going on. And I guess in that time, the boys, the men had gone to see their teams. So they were getting ready for lunch. And we were the popular table. Almost every time I’ve stayed I’ve ended up at the popular table. Just like 2 times I left at times. And then the other time I didn’t like the popular table and waited for a few people to leave before I joined.


I call it the popular table because one time we combined 3 tables to sit like 10 or 11 people. Half the unit. At one point a couple women took the tea and grabbed all of us cups for lunch. And Mr. Letter called out “put that back. Cool table stop.” And I was like yassss! We are in school again. 


But when I had been in school, I didn’t go to public high school, we never had a real popular group. Middle was like 10 people that everyone I knew, knew. And elementary was 6. But somehow I talked to everyone in elementary because I was the mediator and would fix everyone’s relationships the rare times that I went to school.


I hated it at school. I hated home. I hated life.


Being a part of the popular table for inpatient is kinda like oddly rewarding because I’m popular for talking about my illness and being so chill.


The most scared I’ve been inpatient was when someone had a seizure and they were totally treating it wrong. I was shouting “turn him on his back” but they wouldn’t let me close enough to do it. I was like “I have cpr training.” These techs are supposed to have cpr training but they aren’t doing the right things. And it was barely when the ambulance came that, like 3 minutes into his seizure, they did that. I was like “he is going to die. And I can’t be here when he dies.”


Anyway. Way to make someone’s death about me. But we’re centric people. Yeah, it’s a terrible thing to say but it’s a realistic thing.


And people ask me how I stay so chill despite like yelling and takedowns to sedate people. I say “we are here because we want to die. What is the worst this person is going to do? Kill me? Is that a bad thing? I don’t get it. What are you so scared about?”


Anyway, I’m morbid.


So we were the popular table during this kid’s visit, or stay. You don’t visit inpatient, you get stuck there.


So I came back and the girl was washing her face or something. And I feel so bad because she was a sweetheart and gave me her number but I lost it. She even wanted me to live with her. But I couldn’t really be there for her. It would help me but not her. So I feel like I ghosted her.


So I walked to the boys side and called over the line “why’d you leave the popular table?” And they were walking behind me and I could hear them talking. So the soldier was like “you have to tell her.” and the kid asked “how?” and the guy was like “rip it off like a bandaid.” The kid told the guy that he had to tell his girl. So soldier had openly been flirting with the girl I had gone to talk to. Um, so we sit down and I was …. I don’t know if I asked them or if I was just pretending to be in my own little world. I was definitely like 60% just in my own little world. So I wasn’t pretending. Um, pause. 


Basically they had both seen their mental health team and the guy was like “I’m leaving Tuesday.” I said “I’m happy for you.” Basically I’m happy for me because I don’t have to put up with him much more. I’m such an asshole. Laughs. I’m such a nice asshole. Um, I’m so nice all that time that I get shocked when I’m an asshole. I’m like why can’t I do this all the time. Just be a savage. And be that bitch.


But then my kid. My kid? Was like “I’m leaving today at 3.” And I’m sitting there and I’m like “Okay.” happy voice. And they were like “aren’t you bugging?” Like they both looked at me wide eyed. And the kid looked a little hurt, I swear. And they were like “he’s like your favorite person. And I was like it’s funny you should use that word.


I was like “there was a girl here before you and when she left I dealed. So someone else will come and I’ll deal again.”


And they were like just so shell shocked. Like I kept moving to sit next to him. And they were like “how are you dealing with this?” And I was like “there are 8 billion people in the world. I will find someone. That’s how I’m dealing with this.”


Um, it’s like 11:30. I have like 3.5 hours to prepare to say goodbye to this person. Like I can mentally say goodbye and whatever. And we’d already exchanged numbers. Which he didn’t have his memorized, very apropos to his personality. It was either perfect that he doesn’t have it memorized or that he would automatically lie about having it memorized. He didn’t have any social media. He was like I have like 4 friends. He for sure never wanted to talk to any of us ever again. So it could have been either way.


So I gave him my Facebook. And phone number and both have changed since.


So I was mentally preparing for goodbyes as lunch came. And as lunch came, they called me for Griffin. And I was like okay. And they were like stand up and get your things we’re leaving in 15 minutes. And I was like “oh!”


I’d already said bye to everyone. And they were like rushing me out. But I was making sure I had everything. It was just so whirlwind.


I hadn’t even been outside in like days. I had two people carrying my stuff. Two people walking me over. I hadn’t been alone in even longer than that. The last time I was alone, I tried to kill myself. So they sat me down and told me to wait for the doctor. And I had THE worst withdrawals of my entire life….. pause….. Pause. Worse than having a seizure from medication withdrawals. Worse than having a second seizure from my overdose withdrawals. Worse than passing out in my bathroom with less than 48 hours withdrawals. Well, I didn’t pass out but I like fell to the floor at 2am and yelled for my siblings to take me to the hospital. Worse withdrawals of my entire life.


I felt like someone had taken my heart and squeezed all the blood out. And it hurt. A lot. I was like what is wrong with me? I feel worse than when my mom died. How is this possible?


And it was because he was my FP. I’d never felt that way before. I haven’t felt that way since. It was really scary. I was like how can a person do that to you? I never want this to happen again.


And then my doctor accused me of lying about having BPD. About having Bipolar. And told me that no one has the memory of being 3 and looking out their fence at daycare and wanting a car to stop on the sidewalk as they crawled out the gate, through the ivy, pause, and get kidnapped, raped, and killed. No one. That could not be possible. Out of 8 billion people. And how many people in history? And that could not. be. possible.


So I must have been lying. Because I was homeless and I needed somewhere to stay. And she didn’t know I was going through the worst withdrawal of my life. And I was angry. And I never lashed out. I lashed out like twice in my life, like really lashed out. Just before that when I was in the hospital and a nurse said, he misspoke and said that what was an IV when I got to the hospital wasn’t an IV. But what he meant was that it wasn’t a viable IV anymore. That it was a dead line. But I thought he was saying it was impossible and he did not trust that I was suicidial enough to rip the IV off my person. And he was like “how dare you take life saving medicine that other people are begging for and treat it like this”. And I was like “give it to them then.” I thought that was the most ridiculous statement. Like do you know that I tried to kill myself less than 24 hours ago. Do you think I care about life saving medicine?


Don’t bullshit with a suicidal person. Don’t be logical. They aren’t logical. They are irrational.


So I lashed out at him. And I lashed out at this doctor. This doctor that was supposed to decide if I get life saving care. Or sent to the street. After trying to kill myself 5 times in 3 years.


And she told me I was lying.


Pause


And I told her I did not care. I would go into the street and kill myself right now. I will not make mistakes this time. I am here for help. I’m asking you for help and you’re being a jerk. And she sent me out.


And I pinched myself so hard I drew blood. (12/2/23 I hadn’t done that in over a decade. And I still have the scar 12 months later.)


Oh, and she told me my two rapes weren’t rapes. That I had consented. Even though I hadn’t consented. Because I didn’t verbalize my no. Like the denim. The reason we wear denim once a year. Her pants were so tight. That she must have helped take them off. So she consented. A woman doctor had the nerve to look me in the eye and tell me this.


And I pinched. And I pinched. And I drew blood.


I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to find my new FP. I wanted to become my own FP.


I wanted to live to spite her. And I didn’t care if she sent me out in 5 minutes. I didn’t care if I had to go down the street again. I didn’t care if I got raped a million more times.


I wanted to live to spite her.


And it was the most I felt like I could spontaneously die. Just with how much pain I was going through. Physically. Emotionally. And mentally.


And I don’t really remember how I got on this tangent. I was just saying I wasn’t having the best week. Because my current FP is out of town.


And moving.


And I’m having a hard time processing it.


But if anything I have reminded myself how much I have been through. How much I have survived. How much I shouldn’t be alive. And how much I want to see tomorrow.


And I probably don’t have time to record my shows. My alarm went off 13 minutes ago to take my meds. Redacted and I have work.


Live long and prosper. Peace and long life.


May your needs. The needs of the one. Outweigh the needs of the few. Or the many.