Maybe by Sick Puppies

"Being different is cool." "You don't care what anyone thinks, do you?" "You're so brave!" "Why do you do that?" "You love confusing people." "You need to explain yourself!"

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

It feels like everyday someone is complimenting my uniqueness or criticizing it. It's viewed as a quality I've developed and a quality I can lose. But it's not. It's a part of who I am. And why don't people realize that mentioning it hurts? I don't want to be that different. I don't want to be misunderstood. It tears at my heart every time.

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
Maybe I should just give up
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

How do I change? How do I make it so people understand me?

I could go and leave everything behind. I'm fine alone. But I don't want to be alone. I need to try to be more understood. I need to have an easier time being with people. Maybe it's time to change. Even if I'm not sure how to.

P.S. This is not my best edited post. I just needed to say it.

New Mission

I've never been happy in life
Always just surviving at life
Never thriving in life
Now I'm fighting for life
Crying for life

I'm going to live for me
I gotta let things be
One man or woman
Can't fix everything
Time will fly by

It's my way and pace
To figure out things
Accepting losses and falls
To continue anyway
Try to be happy

Sense and Sensibility Part 1

Marianne - 16 year old who shouldn't be out. When did she even come out? She needs to be realistic. But it's hard to imagine how she could be realistic when she was at home surrounded by good hearted people. If she's forced to see the real world at some point, that's the period the book covers.

Elinor - How is Elinor so mature and aware? She's barely 19 when the book starts. She was raised in the same environment as Marianne. All I can guess is that she learned about showing too much from stories. and straight up personality differences.

Mrs. Dashwood - To me she's the real negative in the book. Many wouldn't agree with me because she's the good hearted poor widow taking care of three daughters without a hope. However, she never listens to her oldest daughter even though she acknowledges her wisdom. She encourages her carbon copy and never corrects bad behavior, thinking it's the fun of being young. Her youngest is beginning to follow in her wild sister's footsteps. She's, arguably, the catalyst for all that goes wrong in the book.

Margaret - Honestly as Jane Austen's only prominent child, she talks too much. Children were to be seen, not heard in this time period. Instead Margaret is the cause of a major discovery and Elinor's storyline in the second half of the book.

Mr. Ferrars - He loves deeply. I don't love him. I admire their relationship. But, and maybe this is because I'm not a 18th century gentleman, I don't understand sticking to duty when it's going to hurt at least three people, if not more.

Colonel Brandon - I'll admit he creeps me out a little bit. The fact that he is in love with a girl more than half his age because she reminds him of a dead love is not lost on me. That said, I believe that when one love is gone, you are natural drawn to people who have positive similarities. Queue, Someone like You by Adele.

Mr. Willoughby - I can't say much, in case someone is going to read it for the first time with me, but I'm not in the same boat as most.

Mr. & Mrs. Palmer - Love them. I don't want their relationship but they are great comic relief.

Sir John and Lady Middleton - Sir John gets on my nerves but he's good hearted so ... I wish Lady Middleton and her brood of children would disappear. I suppose they must exist because otherwise Sir John would have marry the widowed Mrs. Dashwood because she's beautiful and they're distant enough. And then the Dashwoods wouldn't have money trouble and there'd be no story.

Mrs. Jennings - Like her. Good hearted comedienne. But I will never forgive her for almost ruining my girls lives.

Mr. & Younger Mrs. Dashwood - Hate them!!!!! The most obvious villains in the book. Mrs. Ferrars Dashwood is a vampy gold digger with no human feelings. Mr. Dashwood is a spineless fool who can't stand for what he believes in against his wife, and in a 100% patrichial society. Also Henry should disappear, but again possibly no story.

Mr. Henry Dashwood - Well, you're not alive but you shouldn't trust people so much.

Uncle Dashwood - Sold out your family for a child who doesn't need anything.

The Purple Owl book club

I miss reading. I used to read every day. In middle school, I read over 200 books, mostly in class. But now that I'm older, I haven't been reading as much.

I propose an online book club. I don't want to form one in real life. I don't want to join a community. I want it to be part of my blog so that people can understand the person behind the opinions.

The Purple Owl book club has one rule. Read the book before you comment on it, negative or positive.

You don't have to read every book. I will probably make references to past reads though. Most books will have multiple blog posts about them. Feel free to skip around.

The first book is Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility. The character list will be up October 4th.

The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

Question of the day: What is the first thought you remember and what do you think that says about you?

Mine: The first mature thought I remember having might be considered more of a feeling. I say mature because "look my toes move" isn't that sophisticated. My first meaningful thought was "what is happening and why am I being excluded?" It's closely tied to my first memory, of course, which was my family sitting around the dinner table. I can picture them now, unknowingly teaching me cause and effect. One would move their mouth and someone or all would react. I found out later that I was missing the ability to hear the conversation they were having. It felt like a play I didn't have the script to, that I had been denied the script to. This wasn't my family's fault. They didn't know the 22 month old couldn't hear them.

That first thought when I had no idea what was going on and if I was welcomed, I wonder if that reflects my life in any way. I've had that feeling thousands of times since. I wonder if it's instilled in me in some twisted way because it's the first feeling I ever remember having. I wonder if I subconsciously look for or create examples of how confused and excluded I am to justify my almost two year old self.

I think about that emotion. I live in fear that I'll feel it again. I know I will because I have over the years. But I haven't felt it to that extreme often. I know it doesn't last. I'm in the middle of the ride.

(Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.)

P.S. I am hearing. I had a lot of ear infections and ear wax as a toddler and spent most days unable to hear. I had it corrected at 2 and became an active part of my family.

Kristy, are you doing okay?

I know this song is about someone sexually abused. But it has a different meaning for me.

(There’s a moment in time
And it’s stuck in my mind
Way back, when we were just kids

'Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did)

Little girls are supposed to have daddies. A man who loves Mom and protects the house. They're not supposed to be distant. They're not supposed to change to "dad" when you're still a kid. But daddy only visited. He wasn't in the house. Daddy became "just dad" before you were old enough to understand the hidden meaning.

(Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
For you this never ends

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away)

Don't take it out on yourself. Your skin is too pretty to be covered in scratches. Your mind is too powerful to be used for lies. You might end up believing them.

(Though the marks on your dress
Had been neatly repressed
I knew that something was wrong
And I should have spoke out
And I’m so sorry now
I didn’t know
'Cause we were so young)

I watched everyday as you fell a little further away. I didn't tell anyone the things that you said or did. I didn't think it was that bad. I didn't think that it mattered.

(Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away)

One day, the only sense of relief went away. You didn't realize the impact it would have until far too late. You didn't realize how important her things were until they were lost or thrown away. Your mother was gone and your childhood over. You grew up in a day. Don't act like a child to make up for what was taken away.

(Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away (It never goes away)
It never goes away

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away)

I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I didn't let anyone know and still haven't because I thought it was best. If you wanted me to, you would have told me. You raised yourself and know yourself. I'm sorry I let you go through it all by yourself, my dear Purple Owl.

Start to love yourself now. Purple Owl, please be okay.

Am I the only one?

I wonder where it all went wrong. I wonder when the crisp, clear world became blurry.

I can't explain my thoughts. I can't write them because no one understands my handwriting. I can't speak them because my speech is slurred.

When did I become a fuzzy being in the world? Or was I ever clear? Is there a point in trying to change when it hurts?