Pride: Your Way

Chapter 2

March 12th, 2018

“So Mia do you like him?” Zoe asks at Go!

“He’s sweet.”

Zoe raises an eyebrow.

“Do you like him?” She repeats with emphasis.

“Maybe.” Mia giggles. “I haven’t even known him a day.”

“Either way. Maybe you should be less you about it.”

“Excuse me?” Lupe says coming to her sister’s defense.

“I think what Zoe means is Mia should flirt,” Simon explains.

Sofi and Agus start laughing.

“Mia? Flirt?” Martin asks incredulously.

“Yes, flirt. How else would he know she likes him anymore than a stranger? She’s too bubbly with everyone for him to tell a difference.”

Mia looks downcast.

“Whatever Zoe. Would you ever do that?” Lupe asks.

“If necessary.” She replies as Aunt Isabel walks in. “I hope he realizes how you feel.”

“Class is starting. Team start stretching while I look at Martin’s concepts.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

----- ----- -----

March 13th, 2018

“Juanma and Lupe.”

Stupid mixed second and third year elective, Lupe curses.

“Hi.” Juanma says, sitting down.

“Hi.” Lupe says, checking herself in the mirror.

“I’m, um, surprised you don’t want Olivia to have her party.”

And I’m surprised you speak.

“It’s not like we didn’t have the summer to party. And Go! needs work.”

Juanma pauses in setting up his multi colored pens.

“Right. Tobias mentioned you might have been upset by what I said.”

“Oh, no. I love when people criticize things they know nothing about. Especially when it’s my art and friends who have been working so long and hard at something.”

“I told you, I’ve been to the competitions. I’m not just saying it.”

“Fine. How about the fact that it was one performance meant to be informal with new members?”

“Um.”

“Exactly. Maybe wait until you have solid evidence that we suck.”

“That’s not...”

“Class dismissed.”

Lupe stalks out.

----- ----- -----

March 14th, 2018

“Why aren’t you rooming with Lupe?” Zoe asks again as Mis starts unpacking.

“Because we are sisters. And too much time together can put our lives at risk.”

“As if you could ever hurt anyone.” Simon says.

“SIblings bring out a different side.” Mia says, simply. “Plus we’re good friends aren’t we Zoe? Or would you rather I room with Sofi?”

“You’re my best friend after Simon. I could never let you submit yourself yo all that fangirling.”

“Simon fangirls.” Mia says confused.

“Fanboying is completely different.” He comments indignant.

They all laugh.

----- ----- -----

“Are you sure you don’t mind me rooming with you, Lupe? I can room with Sofi.”

“Agus, you are fine to room with me. My dad cleared the rooms with me a few days ago, when Mia and I decided not to room together. Unless you really want to room with Sofi. I can talk to him for you.”

“No, no. It’s okay.”

Lupe looks surprised at the outburst.

“Sofi and I are always together. Even she can get sick of me.”

“I’m always out practicing. Just don’t be too loud when I’m here.”

“Okay.”

----- ----- -----

“So Juanma what do you think of the school?” Tobias asks.

“I wish we weren’t rooming together.”

“This school isn’t as expensive so not having a bunch of extra rooms makes sense. We are kinda just taking over their school.”

“What with a couple dozen or so of us?” Juanma says as if he doesn’t know the exact number.

“I’m just glad they don’t have the same rules about co-ed in the dorms.” Olivia says.

Did she just disagree with me, Juanma thinks.

“Anyway, Juanma what do you think of our hosts?”

“I think it’s great that we have somewhere relatively close to go to school.”

“What do you think of the people?”

“Ramiro seems nice.”

For once Juanma isn’t sure where she’s going with this.

“What do you think of the daughters? I know Tobias is enraptured with one.”

“They are fine.”

“Really? Just fine. I saw you smiling at Lupe on the way to dorms.”

“Juanma smiled?” Tobias asks incredulously.

Juanma glares at his friend.

“I doubt I was smiling at her. I was smiling while looking in her direction.”

“If you say so.” Olivia singsongs.

----- ----- -----

March 17th, 2018

“Didn’t dad tell us to focus on school and Go! not socializing?” Lupe asks.

“I believe he wanted us to not gossip.”

Lupe glares.

“Either way, mandatory attendance for a party is insane.”

Mia isn’t going to correct her again.

“It’s mandatory? That’s so cool.” Sofi says.

“It’s not mandatory.”

“But you just said.”

“I was being extra. Dad just really implied he wanted Mia and I here.”

“Well it would have been weird if you weren’t at your own house.”

“Agus is right. Anyway, we’re going to go see if we can get this party trending online.” Sofi says, pulling Agus away.

“Trending. Trending is good.” Lupe comments to herself.

“Can we go say hi to Tobias?”

“Mia, you can go say hi to him. You’re almost a grown woman.”

Mia looks unsure. Lupe pushes her 3 feet forward and walks away. She’s proud until...

“Lupe!” Juanma says as they nearly bump into each other.

Her eyes narrow instinctually.

“Hello.” She says coldly.

Juanma bows in reply.

Hahaha. Did he just bow?

“I’m sorry. That was strange. I’m not sure why I did that.”

“Shouted my name or bowed?”

“Bowed actually. Um, the shouting was from surprise. You looked lost.”

“I was congratulating myself.”

“On?”

Lupe starts to gesture towards Mia but remembers she doesn’t like this fool.

“On my house being so beautifully decorated.”

“Oh, did you do it yourself?” He asks, seeming genuinely curious.

“No, I didn’t have time but Martín asked Olivia and I for final say. It’s about 30% my brain child.”

“Nice.”

“Anyway. I have to talk to Zoe.” Lupe lies to get away.

Did Juanma and i just talk like normal humans? Was Juanma a normal human? She remembers the bow and shakes her head.

“Did you and Juanma fight again?” Zoe asks.

Guess she came to find me.

“No. Why do you ask?”

“Because he is standing rather aimlessly on the edge of the dance floor. Did you make fun of his dance skills?”

“No.” Lupe huffs. “We had a pleasant conversation, made strange only by him bowing.”

“Boy likes you.”

Lupe stares at Zoe like she has a third head.

“Come again.”

“Boy. Likes. You.”

“And where did you get that from?”

“The bowing, it seems socially awkward. Like he doesn’t know what to do around you? And can there be another reason he’s talking to Mia right now?”

Lupe looks and Mia is talking to her enemy.

“Everyone talks to Mia. Anyway, how can you be a bad dancer as a coordinated basketball player?”

“Looks like we are about to find out.” Zoe says as Mia leads Juanma to the dance floor.

“Hmm. I wonder what mixes Gaspar has for music today.” Lupe says, trying to be unbothered.

Juanma could have another reason to talk to Mia.

https://youtu.be/IrxKEKaa4ho 

------ ----- -----

Lupe: Juanma isn’t going to get in Tobias’ way, right?

Juanma: It’s not like I’m scared of Lupe. She just wouldn’t want to dance with me.

Mia: This is weird.

Tobias: Mia has such fun.

Olivia: Who doesn’t like a blonde?

Zoe: Not who she was supposed to flirt with.

Simón: Things are getting interesting.

Pride: Your Way

Chapter 1

Lupe and Mia had been asked by Ramiro to welcome their new guests the best way they knew how. By dancing. The girls decided Mia was best for showing the individuality of Saint Mary.

https://youtu.be/z7V78vAi2B8

“What just happened? Was that for real?” Olivia scoffs.

“I liked it,” Tobias says watching the dancers group up.

“Come on. That was sad.”

“It was passionate.”

“Passion won’t win nationals,” Juanma comments, frankly.

“Excuse me,” Lupe asks. “What did you say about my team?”

Juanma turns and faces the raven-haired girl head-on.

“I said passion won’t win nationals.”

“And what would a basketball player like you know about nationals?”

Juanma’s face closes off a bit. Ramiro hears the commotion.

“I’ve been to the competitions. Trust me, that’s not going to win.”

“I’d appreciate it if you dispersed. The girls were welcoming you to the school. Clap and go to class.”

----- ----- -----

“That was rude.” Lupe fumes.

“It was. But did you see the other guy?” Agus sighs.

“He was cute.” Mia acknowledges.

“He was beyond cute,” Sofi says.

“Girls, do you mind grabbing us seats. I want to be in the center of class.” Lupe says.

Sofi and Agus walk off.

“Mia do you have something to tell me?”

Mia turns to deny anything but sees the expression on her sister’s face.

“Ok, the other guy was cute.”

“He’s friends with the person who insulted us.”

“We don’t know that they are friends per se. And it wasn’t so much an insult as a comment.” Mia cuts herself off because Lupe is about to seethe. “But the cute one said we were passionate. You know how much I want my art to reach people.”

Lupe nods. That was Mia’s biggest concern whereas Lupe wanted to win.

“Okay. I think you’re too nice but I’ll give the guy a chance to show himself better than his acquaintances.”

“That’s all I ask. It’s not like I want you to ask the blond for pointers.”

Lupe’s eyes bulge and Mia pulls her forward to class. Then stops abruptly.

“Mia!” Lupe shrieks as she bumps into her.

“Uh, you’ll be able to start forming that opinion now.”

Lupe looks around her and sees the “cute one”. She grins and marches right up to him.

“Where does your friend get off saying that about the Go! team?” 

“Uh, hello.”

“Yes, hello. Tell me.” She crosses her arms.

“Well, Juanma is really opinionated. Sometimes he keeps it to himself. Sometimes he doesn’t.” He glances past Lupe at Mia. “I think you guys are good though.”

“Good? Good is not enough. We are nearly sensational thank you very much.”

“Okay.” He agrees.

“My name is Mia. The angry one is my sister Lupe.” She says, stepping next to his desk.

“Nice to meet you, Mia and Lupe. I’m Tobias.”

Lupe hums.

“And your friend, Juanma was it? How close are you two?”

“Pretty close. We’ve been friends since we were kids.”

“Same,” Mia says, then laughs. “Not me and Lupe but our Go! team. Most of us have known each other forever.”

Lupe sighed internally.

“Class.” The teacher calls.

“I can’t wait to meet them.”

Mia smiles.

“I hope you can forgive Juanma.” 

Lupe grimaces.

“I would be able to forgive him if he had insulted anything besides my team.”

----- ----- -----

“Juanma, you insulted them,” Tobias says.

“Better for them to be insulted at their school than laughed off the national stage.” Juanma comments without looking up from his plate.

Olivia starts laughing.

“Juanma that’s too much. They wouldn’t get laughed off. They just wouldn’t make it that far.”

“Well, I think they would be amazing. The lead girl has great stage presence.”

Olivia and Juanma look at Tobias.

“Okay I might not know much about dancing and singing but I liked it.”

“Oh, they’re exiting the food line. Quick, Tobias do you want the blond or brunette? Y’know got to make sure Juanma doesn’t fall for the wrong girl.” Olivia says with emphasis at the end.

Juanma looks at her disgusted.

“The blond,” Tobias answers with a dopey grin.

Olivia shakes her head at her brother.

“Girls, come sit with us.” She waves them over.

Mia looks at their friends then Lupe.

“If you want to go ahead,” Lupe says, apathetic.

“Lupe, Mia come sit with us.” She repeats.

Lupe is thankful her father hates eye-rolling or else she wouldn’t be able to control herself.

“How does she know our names?” Lupe whispers to Sofi and Agus.

“Can we sit with them?” Mia asks.

“Fine. But you’re sitting next to Juanma. I want the “cute one”.”

Mia looks heartbroken.

“To sit by.” Lupe corrects herself.

“Are they going to sit or what?” Olivia mutters.

“Ciao,” Zoe says, smiling.

“Hi,” Mia says sitting between Juanma and Olivia.

“Hi.” Tobias returns, smiling.

Across works too, Lupe thinks.

“So you’re dancers?” Olivia asks.

“We are,” Mia answers, cheerfully.

“I used to dance. We won nationals when I was a sophomore.”

“But Pemberly doesn’t have a team.” Lupe blurts, confused.

“We transferred last year.” Tobias provides.

“Oh, I know! I’m going to have a get together this weekend. So we can all get to know each other.”

Juanma makes eye contact with Lupe. She narrows her eyes at him and looks away.

“Isn’t it a bit early to party?” Lupe asks.

“I don’t think it is,” Tobias says. “What about you, Mia? Feel like a party?”

“Always.”

And we’re lost, Lupe thinks.

----- ----- -----

Lupe: Tobias is not so bad. Juanma is to be ignored. But does Go! Need something?

Juanma: Can the teachers announce their decision about Basketball yet?... Lupe has nice eyes.

Mia: I hope Lupe like Tobias.

Tobias: Mia

Zoe: They are all overreacting.

Simón: Everyone is so cute!

Olivia: Will Juanma dance with me?

Sofi: where are the cutest basketball players?

Agus: Whatever Sofi is thinking.

Martín: Go! Costumes are much more important than Pemberly gang.

Jaded: Chapter 12

Chapter 12

We've got 6 of the items and it's not even 4:30.

"I think we might win."

"I've heard the first part of the list is easy to get through. The next part takes longer." Finn replies, staring forward.

"Well, it's the fun of being together, right?"

"Yup."

I feel like I'm playing tug-of- war. I look at my calendar instead of talking to him.

"We're here." He says, turning off the car.

I get out of the car and look around.

"A walking trail?" I ask.

"Yeah, number 7. A walking trail with water and animal life. This one is a little far but it has a waterfall that animals love. Shall we?"

I nod and we start walking.

"Do you really want to win?" Finn asks, suddenly.

"No. I just feel like I have to put my all in. It is my first event as the Peyton ward after all."

"Yes. We can't forget you're the ward."

His tone is harsh and I don't reply.

I stumble on a fallen branch. Finn takes my hand and puts me slightly behind him.

How can he be so mean one second and so kind the next?

"Okay." He says as we stop at a cave. "Now we just have to wait."

I sit in the cave and he sits next to me.

We sit in silence while I look around the park. It's beautiful but familiar.

"Got it." Finn says, taking a picture on his phone.

I look back at the waterfall and see birds and frogs sitting there.

"Now we only have three things left."

I stare as he stands in front of the cave.

"Eliza? Are you okay?" His voice is full of concern.

"Of course, I'm not okay. Everywhere I go, I have deja vu. But it's really vague and I don't remember anything. I haven't learned anything about my childhood. I keep getting headaches. And my oldest friend isn't talking to me." I breathe out.

"Lindsay isn't talking to you?"

I put my hands on my temples.

"No. You."

"Sorry for being confused. You have so many titles for people."

"Well, you were my first friend. I met you before Jenn came back. I would look forward to seeing you each summer. I was so happy when you started at Alden for boys. Then, this year you avoided me and have been ignoring me. It's not fair."

"I was right there for you to find me."

"Please. Lindsay finally told me this morning. The girls ran into you all the time and you always said you were busy. But you asked my schedule so we wouldn't be in the same place."

"Fine. I avoided you becasue I realized we probably won't be in the same college, let alone state in a couple years."

"Were you going to avoid me this year too?"

"Yes." He says, looking down.

"And that's why you've been ignoring me the last few weeks. Why did you agree to be my bodyguard if you hate being around me so much?"

"I don't hate being around you. That's not why I've been ignoring you. I started to hope we'd go to the same college."

"So why are you nice one moment and standoffish the next?"

Finn glances at me and turns away.

"We got the picture. Let's go."

"No. We're talking about this. Ignoring it is tearing at our relationship. We need to know why so we can try to salvage it."

"You want to know everything?" He asks, turning back around.

I nod.

"Everyone's been sharing their opinion on us: the media, the girls, classmates out west. Arthur Simms is over here threatening me. My dad is warning me from the moment I wake up but won't tell me why. You're now the Peyton ward, which is huge. And I don't even know how you feel. I mean your best friend hates me."

"Lindsay doesn't hate you." He rolls his eyes. "She's scared of you."

"She's scared fo me? I should be scared of her turning you against me."

"It's not a one or the other thing. She's scared of how much you mean to me. She's scared of how I like you romantically. She's scared of how much you affect me."

My eyes widen as I realize what I said. I blush and look around the cave.

Finn leans forward a little.

"Did you just say what I think you said?" He asks, looking hopeful.

I can do this. I look back at him.

"I said I like you, a lot."

Finn kisses me. I freeze in surprise.

"I was starting to think you'd never say it." He says, pulling himself up.

He sits next to me and I continue to stare at him.

"Te amo, Eliza."

I love you. What? I love you!

"Eliza?" He asks, sitting back to look at me. "Are you okay with that?"

"I'm fine with it. It's great. I'm just really confused. I mean, it's wonderful but why all the issues then?"

"It felt like everyone had a say in our relationship. But you weren't saying anything so it felt like everyone was mocking my feelings. I shut down a lot to protect my feelings."

"I was saying things." I think about what Allison said. "Okay. Maybe not often or in a sensible manner. But I definitely made it know I wasn't happy with the situation."

"It seemed like you hated me being your bodyguard. I thought you couldn't wait to get back west and be seperate for the year. I thought you'd go to Northwestern and we'd never see each other again."

"No. I hated that you weren't being yourself. I was frustrated because it felt like my needs were ruining your life. I need you around. I need to talk to you."

Finn smiles and wraps an arm around me.

"Okay. Talk, rant, ask questions. Feel free to say anything on your mind."

"Arthur threatened you?"

"Anything but that."

"Come on. Tell me. When did he threaten you?" I ask, leaning back into him.

"Today at the scavenger hunt gathering. He told me to make sure you were safe. And he said that if I broke your heart, he would be the first to confront me." Finn laughs. "He said that his friendship with my family means nothing next to your happiness. He also implied that he could take me even though he's 20 years older than me."

"Wow."

"Yeah. So much for him keeping his opinion to himself."

"I didn't know I was that important to him. It's flattering and overwhelming."

Finn looks at me.

"You're that important to a lot of people. You wouldn't believe the amount of people, including my mother, who told me something along those lines recently. I'm the one who says it the most though."

I blush and Finn kisses my cheek. Which only makes me blush harder.

"Your dad won't tell you his problem either?"

"Nope. He said it has nothing to do with work. He likes you. But he doesn't approve. Wait, when did you talk to him?"

"At the benefit when I left you on the dance floor. Sorry about that, by the way."

"It's forgotten. What were you going to say before you left the ballroom?"

"I was going to say I imagined it would be like a fairytale. I wanted to dance the night away with you, talking about everything and anything."

"And I just wanted to stare at you. The next ball is the 27?" I nod. "We'll dance and talk all night."

"Thank you. We'll make your dad approve."

"I'm sure we can. He may seem a little rough around the edges but he just wants me to be happy."

And I make him happy? This is too much.

"What did you say about headaches?"

"Oh, I get headaches every once in a while." I say breezily.

"Why is this the first I'm hearing about this?" He pauses. "Never mind. How often and how long has it been going on?"

"At least two per week. It started the second week that we were here."

"And you have no idea where it's coming from?"

"I think they come around the same time as my deja vu. I don't know what causes it. Sometimes I feel like there's something locked in my mind. Like it's so close but I can't open the door."

"Why are you being so nonchalant about it?"

"It's just a headache."

"You never get headaches. You get migranes and lie about the severity. You're going to the doctor Monday."

"Okay. I will. Bossy."

"Caring about someone who puts themselves last leads to being firm."

I can't hide my smile.

"I'm glad that makes you happy. We'll start looking into your childhood after you've visited the doctor."

"Thank you."

My phone vibrates. I don't want to move but it could be important.

Allison: How's the scavenger hunt going?

"Oh, no."

"What's up?"

"It's 5:30."

"Oh, man. We still have to walk down and drive back. We're not going to finish the list before 6."

"It's fine. I got my prize." I say, leaning up and kissing him.

"And I mine." He says, lifting me out of the cave.

We walk in comfortable silence. I've missed this.

----- ----- -----

"You guys don't understand." Bianca says.

"Yes, please explain why it was necassary for you to prank Jo." Mikayla says.

"I shouldn't have to explain it. Jo is always doing something."

"But that's Jo." Max says.

"That's not fair."

"Lizzie, can you fix this?" Mikayla asks.

"Jo will be graduating in two months. Just put up ---"

"Mistress?" Lindsay asks as everyone stares at me.

"What?"

"Eliza, you were talking." Finn says, stepping closer.

"No, Bianca was explaining why she pranked Jo."

"Yes, two minutes ago. You were telling her to put up with it."

I narrow my eyes at him.

"If you say so. Are we visiting Jenn or not?" I ask, turning around.

I stumble and Finn grabs my forearm.

"They are. Lindsay, I'm going to take her to the doctor."

"Okay, thank you." Lindsay takes my hand. "We'll tell Jennifer you said hello."

"I'll stay with her until you guys come back. Max, please drive them home."

"Of course. Feel better Lizzie."

"Bye, Lizzie."

I stare out the window and sigh.

"When are we going to see Jenn?"

Finn pulls over.

"What do you remember, Eliza?"

"I remember grounding Bianca for pranking Jo. I remember getting in the car. And I remember Max telling me to feel better. Which is ridiculous because I feel fine. By the way, did the girls drive with him?" I say, looking in the backseat.

"Most of that happened 15 minutes ago. Do you remember getting back in the car?"

"No." I say wincing.

"Eliza what's wrong?"

"It's just a headache."

"Sit back and close your eyes. We're not talking anymore."

Spoil- sport.

I open my eyes. I'm in a white room. The doctor's office?

"Hello, Ms. Gent." Dr. Lillian says, from her chair.

"Hello. How did I get here?" I ask, sitting up.

"Your friend Finn carried you into my office."

"What? But I'm fine."

"Your friends are very concerned about you. Lindsay has already called twice. I told her I had to wait for you to wake up to examine you. Let's just do a brief check up."

"Fine."

She starts my check up.

"You have a slight temperature. Do you know that?"

"No. We check our temperatures every night. I didn't have one yesterday."

Dr. Lillian laughs.

"You're extra cautious, Eliza."

I shrug.

"Well, do you feel sick at all?"

"No. I'm fine."

"Let's go my office to chat."

"I just have a headache." I say, following her out the room.

"On a scale of one to ten how much pain are you in?"

"A seven." I say sliding into the chair.

"That sounds more like a migraine to me."

There's an knock on the door.

Dr. Lillian opens the door slightly.

"Lindsay called. She was wondering how Lizzie was doing."

"He can join us since they need to know so badly."

"I need more than a snarky approval."

"I would like Finn Campbell to join us." I reiterate.

"I meant a signature but have a seat, Finn." Dr. Lillian says, handing me a paper.

I scan it and sign it.

"So have you ever had a migraine before?"

"No." I respond.

"What about 8th grade year when you missed debate team because you couldn't open your eyes from pain?" Finn asks. "And last year when you threw up after the dance?"

"Thanks for those memories. Dr. Lillian, I guess I have had migraines."

"Do you get them often?"

"Not really. Like 10 a year. I've only missed school a couple times and I haven't thrown up since 9th grade."

"What about what happened today? Have you ever fallen asleep?"

"That's because Finn had me close my eyes. I don't fall asleep."

"She didn't know what was going on. She lost about 20 minutes. She paused and forgot she was talking." Finn says.

"Tattletale." I mutter.

"Lizzie, you have to be honest with me. I'm your doctor and I didn't know anything about your migraines. It's a good thing you have friends who care so much about you."

"I'll try to be better at talking to you." I promise.

"Thank you. Now do you think it has anything to do with your past?" She asks, glancing at Finn.

"Finn knows that I don't remember my childhood. I don't know. I just have seasonal headaches." I look at Finn. "Alright, migraines. But I don't think they have a connection."

"You said seasonal. Have you noticed a pattern?"

'I usually get one around the time my mom died and when I went to care. I know the others are grouped together but I don't know how so."

"Ok.This is going to take a while but for the next year I want you to list the dates you get migraines. Can you do that?"

I nod and wince.

"Yes, I can."

"Is there anything she can do now to relieve the pain?" Finn asks.

"You can rest in the nurse's office. Fresh air, medicine and water may help. Just keep to the shade because it is bright outside."

"Okay. Thank you."

"You're very welcome, Lizzie. I hope you feel better."

Finn offers his arm and I take it.

"What do you want to do?" He asks.

"Can we go to our park?" I ask.

"Of course."

We drive to the park we discovered. There's only a few people. Finn spreads a blanket under a tree. I lay down and he reads to me.

----- ----- -----

Finn takes my hand.

"I'm sure you're fine, Eliza. You haven't been ill or anything. I just want a doctor to know."

"I know. It's just Dr. Lillian said flying would be okay. I'm still writing down the dates but I've been getting way more migraines lately."

"You know, you don't have to do all the responsibilities as the Peyton ward. You can still cancel it."

"Oh, no. I'm the ward. You don't like attention. What are we going to do?" I say, frantically.

"Eliza, I'll be alright. We don't have to share our lives with the public. And if they find out, I'll be alright."

He kisses my hand and we pull into the driveway.

The valet opens the door and I pull my hand away.

Finn looks at me confused.

"You said if they find out. That means we have to be a little subtle. That means we can't walk around holding hands."

Finn nods and steps closer.

"Thank you. He whispers.

Unique-ly in the Way?

I thought I finally knew who I was and how I fit in my world. However, I don't.

I'm pretty sure who I am. I don't change very much. Never have. And while I don't always know the right words to describe it all, I can feel the truth. But I don't fit where I had begun to suspect I did.

I try to help. Then, I find out that people don't see it like that. My help is denied or incorrect. My help actually spurs multiple new routes people have to take around me.

▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪

I take personality and mental disorder quizzes in my spare time. My personality is locked and I like who I am. But how do other people process me? What does the test have to say about the way I think?

I have a high chance of bipolar - that makes sense considering my bipolar II diagnosis.

I have a high chance of food addiction/detachment - that makes sense considering I starve myself out of disinterest and disgust.

I have a high chance of depression - that makes sense considering my chronic depression diagnosis.

I have a high chance of PTSD - that makes sense considering my parents messy divorce and my mom's slow decay of 4 years.

I have a high chance of anxiety - that makes sense considering my generalized anxiety disorder.

I have a high chance of insomnia - that makes sense considering without medication I only sleep eventually and I wake up from anxiety nightmares tired every morning.

I have a high chance of social anxiety - that makes sense considering how much people scare me and my GAD.

I have a high chance of cell phone/Internet/TV addiction - that makes sense considering being without a screen or worse a connection have entered my nightmares.

I have a high chance of being suicidal - that makes sense considering how many suicidal ideations I have in a week.

I have a medium chance of autism spectrum disorder - that makes sense considering how much human interaction confuses and frustrates me.

I have a medium chance of every personality disorder there is - that makes sense considering I hate being with people, I dwell on myself all the time, and I do random things I don't even plan.

I have a medium chance of ADHD - that makes sense considering how many tabs my brain as open in any given moment but also considering how unwilling I am to move.

I have a medium chance of chocolate addiction - that makes sense considering I never forget about chocolate but sometimes I forget it interest me.

I have a medium chance of ED - that makes sense considering I have an unhealthy relationship with food, I dislike all thighs but had an affectionate acceptance of my body for 18.5 years until my hatred of food and chewing took the better of me.

I have a medium chance of depersonalization disorder - that makes sense considering how far away my body feels at times.

I have a low chance of BPD - that makes sense considering my bipolar II diagnosis. It's possible to have both but I most likely don't.

I have a low chance of anger - that makes sense considering I accept people's negative emotions as my fault and never theirs.

I have a low chance of psychopath & sociopath - that makes sense considering I believe there are 8 billion people higher than me, including possible unfeeling people.

▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪~▪

So why do I open a bunch of these stupid, unpredictable tests at 5 am and take them over the course of 3 weeks? Why do I rehash the results on a long blog entry starting at 23:30 - 1:00 am on a night have I haven't taken my sleep aid and need to up early for an intense day?

Because they remind me of what I already know. They remind me of the person I am and love, even when others make me doubt myself. While the list may make it seem like I have some incredible life ruining flaws, it highlights the ones I couldn't stomach having. What's a little depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, suicide when compared to psychopath, anger, depersonalization?

I don't fit nicely in my world. I never have. I've been in the way since I was less than 1 year old. I'll continue to upset the lives of people I love and my own.

But I know who I am. I know I'll get in the way in new and exciting ways. I know that I'll run away to fictional worlds because they don't question what makes me who I am and label it as wrong.

I don't mind being unsure of how my medical team will help with with all my needs. Being unsure if I want the help, especially when I'm not doing my best to assist their assistance. Being unable to face all the things I need to at once: my deep-seated fear of driving, my knee pains, my back spasms, my lack of excerise, my lack of appetite, my possible neurological problems that cause seizures at the random age of 20, my increasing depression, my increasing anxiety, and weakening control and mental strength. I don't mind any of those things.

I don't mind as long as I continue to be sure of who I am. Even if I dislike being unique, different, special, left out. Because those things don't matter as long as I can accept myself.

My unique-ly in the way self. I am after all a work of art.

P.S. this was a major rant and didn't really have a point at the beginning. I do feel much better though.

Jaded: Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Did he just say…?" I trail off.

"Yeah. He did. Lizzie, are you okay?" Chloe asks.

The spotlight goes out and I sit down.

"I don't even know what that means. Like, why didn't they ask me? What do I do now?"

"I don't know. But I think it's something pretty big since every eligible young man is coming this way."

I look and see 15 guys coming toward me.

Where were all these guys before dinner?

"Hi, Elizabeth would you like to dance?"

"Ms. Gent dance with me."

I try to focus on the faces but there's too many voices.

"Lizzie, come on." Cameron says, pulling me up.

"I thought I told you to dance with Miranda."

"I was going to. But you looked overwhelmed. So I'll dance this song with you."

"Thank you."

"So what does one do as a ward?"

"No idea. I guess I'll find out."

He nods and we continue dancing.

My life isn't changing. I'm still me. I can deal with this.

'Ms. Gent, there's a photo shoot. Follow me." A woman says.

I smile at Cameron and he smiles back.

I see flashes ahead. We enter a conference room. I'm not speaking if someone asks me a question.

The woman motions me to stand between the Simm sisters and brothers. More flashes.

We do every combination possible. I take a picture with each sibling. Flash, flash, light and sound.

Just when I'm getting frustrated, someone asks a question.

"I'm sorry. This isn't an interview. We gave you the exclusive. Lizzie will answer questions at another time." Delilah says.

Lizzie will do nothing of the sort. But I take that as permission to leave.

I can't process any of this.

I enter the dance hall and look for Jenn. She's dancing with one of the guys I ran from.

I don't want to ruin her night. But I want to talk to someone familiar. Finn.

"Hello again, Ms. Gent." George says, putting his hand on my back.

No, this is wrong!

"Pretty big announcement. I'd like to discuss it while dancing."

"Look for gossip with someone who enjoys showy vacations and wasting away their semesters."

I walk away. I stop at my table and close my eyes for a moment.

I look up and see Finn. He smiles weakly. I walk across the dance floor.

“May I have this dance?” I ask.

Finn looks at Timothy and he nods.

“Of course.” He says taking my hand.

We begin waltzing and once again my feet know what to do. I look up from Finn’s suit and make eye contact with him. We hold eye contact until he looks away. The next time I look back, he’s staring at me again. The song changes and I pause.

“Just follow my lead, Eliza.” He whispers.

I nod and start dancing again.

I wonder if I should say something. People talk while they dance. Is this weird? Does Finn find this weird?

I look up and meet his beautiful brown eyes. I smile and forget what I was going to say.

“Thank you everyone for attending the benefit. Have a nice night.” The MC says.

I can hear people clapping but Finn and I keep dancing. The orchestra starts up again and we adjust our tempo. I look at Finn. Dancing with him is completely different than dancing with anyone else. I don’t feel like I have to pretend. Finn’s head turns and he meets my eye. I immediately look down.

The song changes. I still feel his eyes on me.

“Eliza?”

“Finn, why have you been staring at me?”

“Because I don’t want to look away. There’s no one I’d rather look at while dancing with you.”

“Why aren’t we talking?”

“Do we have to talk?” Finn asks confused. “It’s not like we just met.”

“I-I.”

The song ends.

“Excuse me.” I say, curtseying.

I walk away before he even bows in return.

“What a nice couple. They look good together.”

“They do but the ward and the help? And she snubbed Charles Moore.”

“But what was she before? She is a SOS after all.”

I think I found Macey’s future friends. I let myself out on the terrace.

“You know, this is a dangerous place to be without service.”

I turn around and see Timothy Campbell.

“So I’ve heard, Mr. Campbell but I have yet to see anything scary.”

“You’d be surprised how people react to what they call privileged brats.”

I sway and put a hand on the balcony. But not before Timothy Campbell supports my other arm.

“I’m fine, Mr. Campbell. I’m just a little light headed from the excitement.” I say, so he doesn’t notice how his words affected me.

I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

“Well, I’ll turn you over to your security then. Or did you mean to run out while he’s frozen on the dance floor?”

I look through the doors and see Finn on the edge of the dance floor staring at the terrace doors. Michelle makes her way to him.

“Mr. Campbell, I respect your law of conduct.”

“My law of conduct? I take it Finn has told you the rules.” I nod. “I’m glad it made an impact on you both. However, that’s not the reason I’m against your relationship progressing.”

There’s something else?

“Lizzie, it’s the last song.” Caleb says.

“Well Mr. Campbell, I’m off to dance the night away.”

Timothy Campbell almost smiles and then shakes his head.

“Remember what we spoke of.”

I nod and take Caleb’s arm.

“What is her story?”

“I don’t know but I’m going to find out.”

Caleb puts his other hand on my hand on his arm.

“You’re a good dancer. Where did that come from?”

“I don’t know. I remember practicing the waltz with my mom. I guess I was taught the others at some point.”

“And you still remember?”

“I remember my mother in perfect clarity. It’s everything else that I’m missing.”

Caleb nods and we reach our place. The music starts.

“Speaking of your dance skills, you and your partner seemed to be in your own world.”

“Are you going to tell me the problems with dancing with him, too? We just met yesterday.”

“What can I say? Something makes me want to protect you.”

“You have two sisters to be brother to.”

“Yes, but they’re all grown up. They don’t need to be told where problems lie. Plus, Finn is like a brother to me.”

I sigh.

“Go ahead.”

“You didn’t just dance with him. You danced four songs and didn’t even stop when the music did. You didn’t spare anyone else a single glance. You both need to be making connections, not strengthening previous ones.”

“Don’t hold yourself back. Tell me all the places the problems lay.”

“Everyone’s eye is on you. You’re the company’s ward and living in my sisters’ house.”

“I didn’t ask to be. I'm already upset about that. Now I’m being told how to live my life as well?” I whisper, narrowing my eyes.

“No. I’m just informing you of your new place. Finn doesn’t like attention. Keep that in mind.”

The song ends.

“Thank you, Mr. Simms, for your insight.” I curtsy and he bows.

“Lizzie!” Jennifer latches on to me. “Good night, Caleb.”

Mr. Simms waves and turns.

“He didn’t seem himself.”

“You mean he doesn’t seem like the man you met 24 hours ago?”

“Lizzie, are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry Jenn. I’m just tired.”

And beyond annoyed.

“Me too.” Jenn yawns.

“Let’s get my baby to bed.” I say as attendants help us put on our coats.

“I could get used to this. Hey, don’t call me that.”

Finn smiles at me from her other side. I smile back and he looks away.

One of the valets opens the back seat door. There’s about 6 other valets. I don’t have to look at Timothy, Caleb, or any of our audience to know I’m supposed to sit in the back.

I rode here in the front.

Jenn falls asleep within 5 minutes. Finn shuts down every attempt I make at conversation and won’t even look me in the eye. I don’t think I’ve ever had a more frustrating night.

Finn walks us into the house. He checks the living room and our bedroom.

“All clear.” He says.

“Night, Finn.” Jenn says going up stairs.

“Well, the adults are supposed to be back by 2.”

“Oh, right. The kids were kicked out at 10. They have an after party.”

“Would you have even wanted to stay, Eliza?” He asks, smiling.

He finally looked at me!

“No. I don’t like large crowds. But I still had a good night.”

“Same here.”

He blinks and looks away.

“Well, I’ll be up until my dad comes home so text me if anything happens. Though, nothing should with the guards out front.”

“I will.” I promise anyway.

“I’ll see you Monday.”

“What about tomorrow?”

“I have homework and training. Stephan will be with you and Jenn. I thought I told you. It must have slipped my mind.”

“Okay, until Monday then.”

Finn smiles.

“Good night Eliza.” And he slips out the door.

I could have read while he did homework.

----- ----- -----

A knock sounds.

“Lizzie?”

“Yes.” I croak out.

The door opens.

“Would you like some brunch? Jenn ordered it for you.” Allison  says.

“Sure. Come in.”

Allison puts down the food.

“Where is Jenn? When I came back in the room this morning, she was gone.”

“I think she had plans with Nicole and some of the girls. Paul took them.”

“Okay.” I say, picking up my book.

“Are you hungry? Delilah said you’ve been up since 3.”

“Right. I talked to her when she came home.”

I slept from 11 to 2. I left my room so I wouldn’t disturb Jenn while I read. I took an hour nap at 6.

“It’s almost noon. Jenn said you’d want to eat breakfast for your first meal.”

“She’s right. Thanks Allison. Where are all the adults?”

“Misters Simms and Belle Simms had an emergency flight at 4. Delilah went to the office at 9.”

“Wait so I’m here alone?” I ask.

“Well the staff is here but yes, you are alone.”

I feel my headache coming back.

“Would you like to join me for breakfast?”

“Sorry, Lizzie. I’ve got to get back to work.”

“Okay, bye.”

Allison smiles at me sadly and I’m hit with dejavu.

I start eating and pick my book back up.

“Hello, Ms. Gent.”

I look up.

“Hello. You must be Stephan.”

He nods.

“Have a seat.” I start cleaning up. “Right, I’m not allowed to clean. Time out, why are you here Stephan? I don’t need a bodyguard in the house?”

“Well…”

My phone rings.

“Sorry. Hold that thought. What’s up, Jenn?”

“Lizzie, turn on the news! They’re talking about last night's benefit.”

I turn channels. The estate is on screen. There’s about 20 reporters in front of the gate.

“Jenn. I’ll call you later. Be safe.” I say.

“Bye.”

The pictures change to the benefit venue. That’s followed by Mr. Arthur Simms announcing me as the ward. And it ends with a picture of Finn and I dancing. Finn is blurred out.

“As the first batch of Simms Orphan Scholars prepare to graduate, the Simms have announced a ward among them. There hasn’t been any information on what that means or how many more wards there will be. The ward, Elizabeth Gent, is currently ranked 6th out of the four girls’ academies. She is the 3rd highest SOS. And it seems like someone else may be benefiting from her wardship.”

I wait for them to say Finn’s name but they don’t.

“I can’t believe this! I didn’t want this. How can they do this without asking me?”

“Technically, you all became wards of them the moment you tested into the academy. You're just the only one with special mention.”

“How is Jenn going to get home?”

“Don’t worry. Her chauffeur Paul is also a bodyguard. He’ll figure it out.”

“Why did the Simms all leave? This is their business.”

“Well you’re the ward. It’s more about you.”

“What about Finn? How long until his name is in this? Not that they’re right but he’s going to hate this.”

“Timothy is working on it. He won’t let his son be connected to this.”

“How’s that going to work? Finn is well-known. Someone’s going to tell the media.”

“You’re forgetting the powers behind the Simms’ name. They own shares in most mass-media.”

“You know, you are surprising reassuring even though you clearly don’t want to talk.”

“Bodyguards aren’t supposed to talk. We are here to watch, protect, and advise.”

“Well can you advise me on the best way to get out of here?”

“Yes.”

I follow Stephan into an elevator. It takes us underground.

“Okay, choose.”

“Choose what?” I ask, as my eyes adjust.

“Choose a car.”

There are about 30 cars. They are of differing class levels and models.

I see the van Finn drives and choose the convertible next to it.

We get in and drive around the garage. We pass one exit and go to the next.

“What’s the difference?” I ask still in the tunnel. “And why are they so long?”

“One takes you to the drive around the house. That’s how Finn picks you up. The reporters would see that. This one lets out past estate grounds. It’s a secret.” Stephan states.

Finn would have made that a joke.

“There’s a secret tunnel to the garage?!”

“Yes.”

“Now I feel like they’re just showing off their wealth.”

“It wasn’t the children. It was the mother Simms. They say she became a reclusive toward the end of her life. She had this tunnel built and never went to public events in her final 12 years.”

“She probably just liked her privacy. I know I do.”

“I understand. I was simply relating what they say about her.”

I know but it bothered me. I’ve always loved learning about her. There are no pictures of her from her final years. Her last public picture was Delilah’s 5th grade graduation. There’s a lot of rumors but I don’t believe them.

The wind hits my face and I lean back. I’ll forget about life for a while.