Thunder by Boys like Girls

On the whole when I hear this song, I picture my eighth-grade culmination party. I had just been gifted an iPod touch by my family. Everyone pitched in, even underage siblings. I downloaded this video before we left. And I walked around my party, listening to it and waiting. Waiting for the current love of my life, my thunder to show up. And he never showed!

But in a decade, it’s so much more than that.

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, woah

Life never goes as I want. Walking down a street I don’t want to be on. On a day I don’t want to be upright, to live. To live a life, I don’t want to exist.

Today in the blink of an eye
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

Why did I try this time? Why did I try last night? Why didn’t I try when it mattered?

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what I’m feeling inside
I gotta find a way out

Maybe there's a way out

I’m always looking for a way out. Looking for a way out of relationships with others. Looking for a way of out a relationship with myself. Looking for a way out of life.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

And bring on the thunder

That summer before eighth grade, my love’s eyes were the “brightest of any color”. In my memories, they still are.

Today is a winding road

Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know

Today I'm on my own

I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone, I don't know

Is there a better lyrical representation of depression?

And now I'm itching for the tall grass

And longing for the breeze

I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe

I gotta find a way out

Maybe there’s a way out

I just want to feel again. I’ve been struggling to breathe since I was three. But the times that I’ve been able to, make me able to push on.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

And bring on the thunder 

My first nanny charge was the highlight of my summer. He gave it sound and he gave it color.

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope

I'm wrapped up in vines

I think I'll make it out but you just gotta give me time

Strike me down with lightning

Let me feel you in my veins

I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

No matter what, I’ll always make it out. For 3 year old me. For my 3 year old. For Blue, Emerald, Indigo, Grey. For aunt. For my mom.

I rarely acknowledge it but I feel your pain. I'll try to valid it more.

Today is a winding road

That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, woah

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

Spring was just another time to me. In between my least favorite seasons, winter and summer. Basically my favorite for not being the fall I was born into, winter I lost my mom, or summer I lost my dreams. One spring gave such meaning that I fell back in love with summer. And this new love is greater than the love I felt before eighth-grade summer.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

And listen to the thunder

His voice powers the thunder of my heart.

Journey

I've been a fan of Journey since 2009's Live in Manila. I knew the popular songs all my life. But I randomly decided to tape Live in Manila. And then I'd play it 2-3 times a week while doing homework. Sometimes, I watch the entire three hours (with commercials) and restart it. For months. I think my family got sick of it.

My dad took me to see Tron: Legacy in 2010. And what I remember most about that night is when Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) came on. We look at each other and started whispering the words. After the movie, he said he didn't know I was a Journey fan. I explained that I was a part-time fan but that SWWA was my current favorite.

I was so sad when we got a new cable box and Live in Manila was taken away from me. But I recently found it on YouTube so I'll be okay.

Music Monday inspired me to look into them more. I decided to listen to Journey's entire discography. I started Monday 6th and finished today. (I may have listened to some other music in between).

So this is what the last two weeks have taught me: I LOVE Journey!!!

I don't care what the lineup is. I don't care if a song doesn't have that "Journey" feel.

I grew up hearing the Steve Perry fronted Journey. But the Journey I rediscovered at 14 was fronted by Arnel Pineda. And to me, that's still Journey.

I like that they've had so many lineup changes. It shows how important this is to them. And that they can carry on despite losing members.

And when a song has a different feel, it feels like they're letting us in on another side of them. It's always a bit of a surprise in the pace of the music.

So quick review of each album. I won't use music terms because I can't remember them nor will I use them correctly. I'm leaving out compilation and greatest hits albums.

Journey (Self-titled Debut) - I liked that the focus was on the instruments. Seems like a soundtrack to a dream. Or maybe it's been in my dreams lately.
Favorites - In the Morning Day, In My Lonely Feeling/Conversations, Mystery Mountain

Look into the Future - This album makes me want to dance. It has songs that make me move before I even know it. It's a great album to clean to.
Favorites- On A Saturday Nite, Anyway, I'm Gonna Leave You
       Also, "Carry on Wayward Son" by Kansas has been in my head all week. I only just found out that some think "I'm Gonna Leave You" inspired the main riff. (Used the term because the article says it.)

Next - I don't know if the sound was becoming more solid or if I was just growing with them. But this is the first album I connected with the first time I listened to it. The album was really easy to listen to and focus on the instruments and the vocals.
Favorites - Spaceman, People, Next, Nickel and Dime

Infinity - I love this album! I love how "Feeling That Way" is the perfect song to set up "Anytime". It takes me a moment to get into "Can Do" but it's worth the time.
Favorites - Lights, Anytime, Lă Do Dā, Wheel in the Sky, Can Do

Evolution - This album makes me want to sing. Which is what Journey has always meant to me. This album is the warmest to me, so far. It's like they are playing and singing just for the one listener, whoever they are.
Favorites - Too Late; Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'; City of Angels; Lovin' You Is Easy

Departure - "Any Way You Want It" is pretty much the coolest intro to an album ever! I love the repetition in a few of the songs. It makes it fun to sing along.
Favorites - Any Way You Want It, Someday Soon, People and Places, Where Were You, Stay Awhile

Dream, After Dream - While it has cool sounds, it doesn't really hold my attention. Which was disappointing given that it's a soundtrack to a Japanese movie.
Favorites - Sandcastles, When the Love has Gone

Captured - It's a live album with one new song. But I love it because Steve Perry talking is adorable.
Favorites - The Party's Over (Hopelessly in Love)

Escape - I'm not sure what to say about this album. It holds the largest amount of Journey songs I heard growing up. It's my Journey album, I guess. I like the other songs but my favorites hold my heart.
Favorites - Don't Stop Believin'; Stone in Love; Keep on Runnin'; Still They Ride; Escape; Mother, Father; Open Arms

Frontiers - The first half of the album has my favorite love songs. "SWWA" loyalty. "SHML" care sent through a messenger. "Faithfully" commitment in spite of distance. So much love. The second half of the album has a great sound.
Favorites - Separate Ways (Worlds Apart), Send Her My Love, Faithfully

Raised on Radio - After all that love, this album is a little more sad. But I like that the message is perseverance and eventual success. (You can make it through pain)
Favorites - Be Good to Yourself, Once You Love Somebody, Raised on Radio, I'll Be Alright Without You, It Could Have Been You

Trail by Fire - This album surprised me. It has a different feel to it. Not quite Journey but not far from it. The music is very pretty. And then there was the out of this world "Castle Burning".
Favorites - When You Love A Woman, If He Should Break Your Heart, Castle Burning, Still She Cries, Easy to Fall

Arrival - This album didn't pull me in. My brain was probably getting tired of one group at this point. (I've never listened to mainly one group for this long.) I'll have to come back to it in a month.
Favorites - To Be Alive Again

Red 13 - I liked it. It was a little slower, calmer. I'm not going to choose favorites because it had 4 songs.

Generations - This is my Steve Augeri album. From the first song to the last, it flows beautiful. I didn't want it to end
Favorites - Faith in the Heartland, The Place in Your Heart, Butterfly (She Flies Alone), Knowing That You Love Me, In Self-Defense, Beyond the Clouds, Never Too Late

Revelation - Welcome Arnel Pineda. This album feels like an homage to all the past Journey albums. It feels like the group is fondly looking back and then eagerly looking forward to what will come.
Favorites - Never Walk Away, Change For the Better, Wildest Dream, After All These Years, What I needed, What It Takes to Win, Turn Down the World Tonight

Eclipse - This album has some of the coolest songs ever! I had to keep myself listing all the songs. But I still listed most of them.
Favorites - Someone, She's a Mystery, Human Feel, Edge of the Moment, Chain of Love, Anything is Possible, City of Hope, To Whom It May Concern

SIDE POINT: Neal Schon is the last original member. He's been there since the beginning. Would he be considered the backbone of Journey?

Well, that was fun. I look forward to hearing more from Journey. In the meantime, I'll keep listening to their "old" music. (She says ironically)

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

I slept all day yesterday. It was beautiful. I didn’t have to get down from my bed once. But I did make myself get up at 5:30 pm to take care of some things. And so that I would be able to sleep at night.

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

The only problem with giving into my reclusive tendencies is it makes it so much harder to be in public. I quickly become accustomed to being the only one around.

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

I went for a walk and to the mall. It was fun to people watch. But it was even more enjoyable to be alone. I was alone with my thoughts. No one was affected by me. But I am the person who walks down the street mouthing lyrics to herself so that might not be true.

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I'll wake up on days I don't want to. I'll do things I don't want to do. I'll improve. And one day I'll show a different side of me. A side that's well.

P.S. I published Chapter 1 of my NaNoWriMo on wattpad. At www.wattpad.com/story/28526999-queen-of-the-socialites. I'm proud of myself.

Little Me by Little Mix

I loved the power in Little Mix's first song, "Wings". But this is the song that made me a fan.

◆ She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl

Voice so quiet you don't hear a word,

Always talking but she can't be heard,

You can see there if you catch her eye,

I know she's brave but it's trapped inside,

Scared to talk but she don't know why,

Wish I knew back then

What I know now.

Wish I could somehow

Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,

Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,

Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,

Everything she doesn't see,

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,

And know that right here, right now,

You can be beautiful, wonderful,

Anything you wanna be,

Little me

Yeah, you got a lot of time to act your age,

You can't write a book from a single page,

Hands on the clock only turn one way,

Run too fast and you'll risk it all,

Can't be afraid to take a fall,

Felt so big but she looks so small,

Wish I knew back then

What I know now.

Wish I could somehow

Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice.

I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,

Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,

Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,

Everything she doesn't see.

(Know that right here, right now)

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out,

And know that right here, right now,

You can be beautiful, wonderful,

Anything you wanna be, oh,

Little me ◆

I have so many things I would tell a younger me. The number one is to have more confidence. But that wouldn't do anything so instead I sing this anthemic song for future me:

Tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out,

Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder,

Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful,

Everything she doesn't see. 

37,288 words. Behind again but I'll will continue.

I Just Wanna Run by The Downtown Fiction

This is one of my favorite songs lately. I feel alone often and it's reassuring to know someone understands well enough to write it.

•••••

I just wanna run, hide it away

Run because they're chasing me down

I just wanna run, throw it away

Run before they're finding me out

I just wanna run I just wanna run

I'm out here all alone

I try to call your house

Can't reach you on the phone

I'll gather up the nerve

I'm packing up my bag

It's more than you deserve

Don't treat me like a drag 

I'm feelin' like I keep on talking

I'm repeating myself,

My words lost all meaning

I keep talkin

I repeat myself

I just wanna run, hide it away

Run because they're chasing me down

I just wanna run, throw it away

Run before they're finding me out

I just wanna run (oh, oh, oh)

I just wanna run (oh, oh, oh)

Like a game of chess

I predict your move

I think I know you better

Better than you do

I'm sick of feeling cheap

Cheated and abused

Sick of losing sleep

Thinking about you

•••••

P.S. 27,706 words. I'm behind again. But I'll catch up.

Maybe by Sick Puppies

"Being different is cool." "You don't care what anyone thinks, do you?" "You're so brave!" "Why do you do that?" "You love confusing people." "You need to explain yourself!"

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

It feels like everyday someone is complimenting my uniqueness or criticizing it. It's viewed as a quality I've developed and a quality I can lose. But it's not. It's a part of who I am. And why don't people realize that mentioning it hurts? I don't want to be that different. I don't want to be misunderstood. It tears at my heart every time.

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
Maybe I should just give up
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

How do I change? How do I make it so people understand me?

I could go and leave everything behind. I'm fine alone. But I don't want to be alone. I need to try to be more understood. I need to have an easier time being with people. Maybe it's time to change. Even if I'm not sure how to.

P.S. This is not my best edited post. I just needed to say it.

The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

Question of the day: What is the first thought you remember and what do you think that says about you?

Mine: The first mature thought I remember having might be considered more of a feeling. I say mature because "look my toes move" isn't that sophisticated. My first meaningful thought was "what is happening and why am I being excluded?" It's closely tied to my first memory, of course, which was my family sitting around the dinner table. I can picture them now, unknowingly teaching me cause and effect. One would move their mouth and someone or all would react. I found out later that I was missing the ability to hear the conversation they were having. It felt like a play I didn't have the script to, that I had been denied the script to. This wasn't my family's fault. They didn't know the 22 month old couldn't hear them.

That first thought when I had no idea what was going on and if I was welcomed, I wonder if that reflects my life in any way. I've had that feeling thousands of times since. I wonder if it's instilled in me in some twisted way because it's the first feeling I ever remember having. I wonder if I subconsciously look for or create examples of how confused and excluded I am to justify my almost two year old self.

I think about that emotion. I live in fear that I'll feel it again. I know I will because I have over the years. But I haven't felt it to that extreme often. I know it doesn't last. I'm in the middle of the ride.

(Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.)

P.S. I am hearing. I had a lot of ear infections and ear wax as a toddler and spent most days unable to hear. I had it corrected at 2 and became an active part of my family.

Kristy, are you doing okay?

I know this song is about someone sexually abused. But it has a different meaning for me.

(There’s a moment in time
And it’s stuck in my mind
Way back, when we were just kids

'Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did)

Little girls are supposed to have daddies. A man who loves Mom and protects the house. They're not supposed to be distant. They're not supposed to change to "dad" when you're still a kid. But daddy only visited. He wasn't in the house. Daddy became "just dad" before you were old enough to understand the hidden meaning.

(Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
For you this never ends

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away)

Don't take it out on yourself. Your skin is too pretty to be covered in scratches. Your mind is too powerful to be used for lies. You might end up believing them.

(Though the marks on your dress
Had been neatly repressed
I knew that something was wrong
And I should have spoke out
And I’m so sorry now
I didn’t know
'Cause we were so young)

I watched everyday as you fell a little further away. I didn't tell anyone the things that you said or did. I didn't think it was that bad. I didn't think that it mattered.

(Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away)

One day, the only sense of relief went away. You didn't realize the impact it would have until far too late. You didn't realize how important her things were until they were lost or thrown away. Your mother was gone and your childhood over. You grew up in a day. Don't act like a child to make up for what was taken away.

(Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away (It never goes away)
It never goes away

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away)

I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I didn't let anyone know and still haven't because I thought it was best. If you wanted me to, you would have told me. You raised yourself and know yourself. I'm sorry I let you go through it all by yourself, my dear Purple Owl.

Start to love yourself now. Purple Owl, please be okay.