The Purple Owl book club

I miss reading. I used to read every day. In middle school, I read over 200 books, mostly in class. But now that I'm older, I haven't been reading as much.

I propose an online book club. I don't want to form one in real life. I don't want to join a community. I want it to be part of my blog so that people can understand the person behind the opinions.

The Purple Owl book club has one rule. Read the book before you comment on it, negative or positive.

You don't have to read every book. I will probably make references to past reads though. Most books will have multiple blog posts about them. Feel free to skip around.

The first book is Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility. The character list will be up October 4th.

The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

Question of the day: What is the first thought you remember and what do you think that says about you?

Mine: The first mature thought I remember having might be considered more of a feeling. I say mature because "look my toes move" isn't that sophisticated. My first meaningful thought was "what is happening and why am I being excluded?" It's closely tied to my first memory, of course, which was my family sitting around the dinner table. I can picture them now, unknowingly teaching me cause and effect. One would move their mouth and someone or all would react. I found out later that I was missing the ability to hear the conversation they were having. It felt like a play I didn't have the script to, that I had been denied the script to. This wasn't my family's fault. They didn't know the 22 month old couldn't hear them.

That first thought when I had no idea what was going on and if I was welcomed, I wonder if that reflects my life in any way. I've had that feeling thousands of times since. I wonder if it's instilled in me in some twisted way because it's the first feeling I ever remember having. I wonder if I subconsciously look for or create examples of how confused and excluded I am to justify my almost two year old self.

I think about that emotion. I live in fear that I'll feel it again. I know I will because I have over the years. But I haven't felt it to that extreme often. I know it doesn't last. I'm in the middle of the ride.

(Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.)

P.S. I am hearing. I had a lot of ear infections and ear wax as a toddler and spent most days unable to hear. I had it corrected at 2 and became an active part of my family.

Kristy, are you doing okay?

I know this song is about someone sexually abused. But it has a different meaning for me.

(There’s a moment in time
And it’s stuck in my mind
Way back, when we were just kids

'Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did)

Little girls are supposed to have daddies. A man who loves Mom and protects the house. They're not supposed to be distant. They're not supposed to change to "dad" when you're still a kid. But daddy only visited. He wasn't in the house. Daddy became "just dad" before you were old enough to understand the hidden meaning.

(Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
For you this never ends

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away)

Don't take it out on yourself. Your skin is too pretty to be covered in scratches. Your mind is too powerful to be used for lies. You might end up believing them.

(Though the marks on your dress
Had been neatly repressed
I knew that something was wrong
And I should have spoke out
And I’m so sorry now
I didn’t know
'Cause we were so young)

I watched everyday as you fell a little further away. I didn't tell anyone the things that you said or did. I didn't think it was that bad. I didn't think that it mattered.

(Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away)

One day, the only sense of relief went away. You didn't realize the impact it would have until far too late. You didn't realize how important her things were until they were lost or thrown away. Your mother was gone and your childhood over. You grew up in a day. Don't act like a child to make up for what was taken away.

(Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away (It never goes away)
It never goes away

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away)

I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I didn't let anyone know and still haven't because I thought it was best. If you wanted me to, you would have told me. You raised yourself and know yourself. I'm sorry I let you go through it all by yourself, my dear Purple Owl.

Start to love yourself now. Purple Owl, please be okay.

Am I the only one?

I wonder where it all went wrong. I wonder when the crisp, clear world became blurry.

I can't explain my thoughts. I can't write them because no one understands my handwriting. I can't speak them because my speech is slurred.

When did I become a fuzzy being in the world? Or was I ever clear? Is there a point in trying to change when it hurts?