Sunday, May 17, 2015

Jaded: Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The tour of the house was to take 2 hours. Which is already a long time. It’s nearing 3 because these girls are lineage and history buffs. If I hear “and they married so and so bringing this and that into the family” one more time, I might scream.

“Nicole? Mandy? Where are you guys?”

Is that salvation?

“Right wing.” Mandy answers her walkie-talkie.

“Could you be a little more specific?”

“We’re near the black hole.” Mandy jokes.

“Thank you. I’ll be right there.”

How did she understand that? I think, admiring at another rug. Then we hear footsteps.

“There you are. Miss Elizabeth’s tour was supposed to end long ago. She’s supposed to be resting. And we have a meal schedule to keep.”

I stand up. The girl gasps.

"Your eyes are so big and your face." She stutters. "You're beautiful, Miss Elizabeth."

“Thank you. It’s Lizzie, actually.”

“Well it’s lunchtime, Miss Lizzie.” The girl says taking Mandy’s hand and turning around.

“I meant just Lizzie.” I say as Nicole puts her arm through mine.

We follow the girl and Mandy down the stairs. Mandy wiggles out of the girl’s grasp.

“Hey, we didn’t introduce you two. This is Allison, honorary assistant head maid. Allison this is Lizzie.” Mandy says.

“Nice to meet you.” I say and Allison looks at me.

“You, too. What do you mean honorary?” Allison asks, turning to Mandy again.

“I mean Belle created it for you because you wanted it and Delilah went along with it because it sounds cool.” Mandy says folding her arms.

Allison starts to say something but stops because I’m laughing.

“What?” She asks, suspusiously.

“Don’t worry. I’m not laughing at what she said. I’m laughing because I went from ‘Miss Elizabeth’ to ‘you, too’ in about a half a minute.” I say, smiling from the hilarity.

Allison narrows her eyes and I realize that this might not be the girl to laugh at.

“Okay,” She says, smiling and stepping back to take my arm, “You may have to become my only friend as opposed to my dormmates.”

Not the response I was expecting.

“Interesting proposal. What’s in it for me?”

“Pride in a wonderful friend, the envy of every girl at school and most importantly me as a friend.” She says, walking me to the table as the younger girls go to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry but the ego attached made that a sour offer.” I say adding a buzzer sound.

I look at Allison and we both start laughing.

“Laughing? From Allison?” Mandy gasps.

Nicole puts down a couple of plates and grabs the ones in Mandy’s hands.

“Whatever, Mandy.” Allison says, letting go of me and sitting down.

“Hey! Why are you joining us? You’re supposed to be working.” Mandy says, sitting across from Allison.

“And the first thing I was to do was to meet and hang out with Lizzie.” She says.

While I don’t know how I feel about that assignment, I’m glad she’s calling me Lizzie.

“I was wondering, why is there a forbidden area in the house?” I ask as Nicole sits down after bring out cups.

“No one knows for sure but there are a lot of rumors about it. Some say sweet innocent Belle lost it one day and destroyed that section.” Mandy says and Nicole rolls her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter what the rumors are. All that matters is the only one allowed in there is the head maid to dust.” Nicole intones.

“You two are being the quintessential gossiping maids. Stop it.” Allison commands.

They all look at each other. Finally Mandy and Allison smile while Nicole rolls her eyes again.

“It is true that you’re on this trip for an unofficial younger sister?” Allison asks.

"I am mainly here for her, Jenn, but also for myself. My best friend made me promise my decision would be good for both of us.”

“I see.” Allison says as the doorbell rings.

"Allison." Mandy comments.

She sighs but gets up anyway.

“Hi, Finn. Won’t you come in?” She asks.

“You’re going to stop saying that at some point, right?” He asks as he pats her head and enters.

“Just as soon as you stop doing that.” Allison says, adjusting the scarf he didn’t mess up.

“Afternoon girls. I thought I’d join you for lunch.” Finn says, coming to a stop between Nicole and I.

“That’s fine. There’s a sandwich in the fridge Mary made in case you came over.” Nicole says, looking from Finn to Allison.

A staring contest later, Allison has placed a plate in front of Finn and is sitting between me and him.

----- ----- -----

“No, it’s okay. I can show her the grounds and town by myself. You girls enjoy your weekend.” Finn says, standing up from his seat.

“Um, all right.” Nicole says.

“You guys are still attending the dinner at school, right? I want to see more students with the teachers.” I say, hoping they’ll agree.

“Of course. Two formal dinners in one week is a dream come true.” Mandy says.

“We’ll be there.” Nicole and Allison say.

“Thanks. See you then.” I say as Finn opens the back door.

“Bye.” They say as Mandy heads for the front door.

We walk out the back door and Finn closes it. Once we walk past the huge patio/deck area we break into a run. I’m going to see all the grounds before he talks about them.

I stop at a tree about 100 yards from the house and look around. Finn has ‘disappeared.” I roll my eyes and lean against the tree. Next thing I know I’m being lifted and spun in the air like a three year old. I mean the looking at your holder type.

“You didn’t think you beat me, did you?”

“Of course not. I haven’t beaten you in 2 years. Now, will you please put me down?” I ask, faking sweetness.

“Fine.” He says, putting me down.

"I can't believe we're seniors."

“Yeah. I haven't seen you since January. That's nine months. I’ve missed you Eliza.” Finn says, hugging me.

“I’ve missed you too, Finn.” I say smiling and hugging him back.

“So how are you?” He asks, letting me go and sitting down.

“What do you mean how am I? You asked me yesterday and you see me today. What else do you need?” I ask sitting next to him.

“Tell me everything.”

“Nine months is a long time. A lot has happened.”

“Yeah and I asked for everything. I’ve been waiting to talk to you since I saw you yesterday. We have all day. Let’s catch up.”

I look at him and he glares back.

“Alright, fine. Um, February was the start of the new semester and I started working at the yogurt store again. March was the dance, where were you?”

“My parents came to visit that weekend.”

“Oh. Well, it was fun. I would have preferred to stay home but the girls persuaded me to go. April was midterms and spring break. All of us were working and rarely saw each other. May was the other dance, where were you then?”

“Touring colleges with my mom which I did all summer as well. Well between working with my dad. Continue.” Finn says, gesturing as well.

And I was hoping I wouldn’t have to.

“June was lockdown and graduation.”

“How was your lockdown this year?” he asks.

“Same as always: no long phone calls, no leaving campus. Four days of finals followed by three days, excluding the weekend off. Why?” I ask confused.

“We had our three days in between each final day.”

“Maybe they didn’t want you boys having too much consecutive time on your hands. Remember the last two years?”

“Yeah but those people have graduated since. It was a little hard to focus on the finals with parties and hangouts going on everywhere. Anyway tell me about your summer."

“I spent it working, hanging out with the girls and in class. Nascha and I took a poetry class this year.”

"Nascha?"

"Right, you don't know our freshmen. Nascha and Rizalyn. Rizalyn is Tess' younger sister. They're sweet."

"So it’s finally all eight students?"

"Yup. Oh, Kevin came into my store.”

“What?” Finn asks, his smile dropping. “Why didn’t you tell me when it happened?”

“We only emailed each other a couple times a month. There was more important things to tell you.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing. He wanted to buy yogurt. He said he's going to Northwestern so he was looking for a condo.”

“He’s going to be back in our town?” Finn asks, upset.

“Probably already is. But don’t worry, he called me gorgeous and I ignored him. Somehow that made him remember who I am and he asked what happened. I said I wised up. I think I’m safe from him.”

Finn looks annoyed and I decide to let him cool down. I look at the sky.

----- ----- -----

“Hey Eliza, what’s up?” Finn asks, sitting on a bar stool with Max in tow.

“Nothing really. Just getting used to all the yogurt around here.” I say shuddering.

“Oh, yeah. You don’t like yogurt.”

“Actually, I’m starting to accept and maybe like it.” I whisper feeling like I’m sharing a horrible new discovery.

Finn laughs.

“Hey Gorgeous.” Kevin says coming up to the counter. “Can I get a strawberry frozen yogurt, medium?”

“Sure, just let me get Finn and Max’s orders.” I say.

Finn and Kevin glance at each other.

“Okay.” Kevin says, leaning over the counter to kiss my cheek.

Kevin walks away and Finn looks after him.

“Why are you still dating him?” Finn asks turning back around.

“What do you mean still? We’ve only been dating for a month. How long should I have dated him?” I ask.

“Zero minutes.” Max mutters. When he realizes we heard him, he adds, “Guy’s an idiot. You’re too good for him, Lizzie.”

“He’s third in his class. I’m third in my class. I’m missing the idiot and too good parts.”

“Max didn’t mean Kevin’s uneducated. He meant he makes dumb decisions.” Finn says.

“Well, I don’t know about that. So far he has been nice to me and I’m not going to look at his past to judge his character now. What do you guys want?” I ask.

They give me their orders and I turn to get the three yogurts.

“Are you fine with him calling you gorgeous in that tone?” Finn mutters and I decide to ignore him.

I give them their order and deliver Kevin’s to his table. Then, I go on break in the stockroom. Kevin asked me to sit at his table but it was filled it with rich boys so I decided to be alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against 17 year old rich boys. It’s just that they discuss things I don't understand.

Right before my break is up, I remember that Finn said he had something to show me. I leave the stockroom and go back to the store. Kevin and his friends have left.

“You had something to show me, Finn?” I ask walking up to him and Max.

“Oh, yeah. Come on.” He says, getting up and throwing away his trash.

We exit the store and start walking to where he parked his car.

“Hi, Gorgeous. So you’re an Alden Girl?” I hear Kevin say before I see him.

Finn looks prepared to attack him and I hold my hand out to stop him.

“I am.” Lindsay replies, sounding distracted.

“I’m an Alden Guys, twelfth grade…”

“And dating my best friend.” Lindsay says, pushing him aside.

Lindsay sees me and her eyes wider.

“Mistress. I didn’t see you past him. I was looking down. Didn’t even realize it was Kevin.” She says, rushing towards me.

“Lindsay, it’s fine. Remember Lizzie not Mistress. Anyway it’s his fault.” I say as Kevin turns around.

“Hey. That wasn’t what it sounded like.” Kevin says, walking over.

“I think it was.”

“I can explain.” Kevin tries again.

“No, you can’t. And if I believed you, I’d be the idiot. I kinda hope you have someone else so me breaking up with you isn’t that bad. But at the same time I kinda don't. Goodbye.” I say, turning around.

I barely see Finn walk past me. Then I hear a heavy thud. I turn around and see Kevin on the ground. Finn walks back folding his arms.

“Finn why did you punch him?” I ask, surprised.

"He kicked him actually." Max corrects.

“Because he was playing you.”

“I know that but did you have to kick him?”

“I’m fine with it.” Max says.

“Well I’m not. Finn?” I ask.

“What would you say to defending your honor?” He asks knowing exactly how I feel.

“I would say this isn’t the Middle Ages, no matter what you might think.”

“He's a jerk. He deserved worse.”

“Perhaps but you shouldn’t dole out his punishment. I broke up with him. Anything that happened between us was done.” I say, wrapping my arm around Lindsay, “What’s wrong?"

“I’m sorry. He was your first boyfriend and he turned out like that. He was your first kiss.” She adds working herself up. “I understand if you don’t want to work. I’ll tell Joy what happened.”

“Lindsay, I’m perfectly capable of working. So the guy’s a jerk, so what? I’m not going to go home and cry because of it. Finn, it seems like my break is over. Can you show me the surprise later?” I ask turning back to him.

“Yeah, you guys get off in 3 hours, right?” He asks and I nod. “I’ll pick you guys up then.”

“Okay, thanks. See you guys.” I say.

“See ya.” Max and Finn call as I turn and direct Lindsay to the store.

----- ----- -----

I look at Finn.

“Are you okay now?” I ask.

“How can you be irritated at me being mad? Kevin is a jerk and you don’t care. Even when faced with his current existence.”

“He continued existing.” I say, surprised that he would say that. “It was two years ago and it barely mattered then. Remember, you were upset for me.”

“Yeah, why was that?”

“I didn’t know back then. I just knew I didn’t care.” I say, staring at the pool.

“And now?” Finn asks, exasperated.

“Now I realize that Kevin was what I wanted but not what I needed.”

“You’re speaking in code.”

I roll my eyes.

“I mean that he wasn’t right for me. And I didn’t care about him enough for what happened to upset me. We shouldn't have dated.”

Finn nods.

“Now then, are you going to tell me about your 9 months?” I ask.

“Not much to tell but I’ll tell you since I made you tell me.”

“Thank you.”

“Since February was the start of the new semester I got a new roommate. His name was Malcolm. Well is Malcolm he just isn’t my roommate anymore.”

“I get it.” I say laughing. “Did you get along?”

“I got a laugh.” Finn says and I shoulder him. “Yes we did get along. He is about as studious as me and we had a couple classes together so I could actually study in my room for once.”

“Come on. Philip wasn’t a bad roommate, right? You’ve been able to study in your room before.”

“Alright, fine. He was a good roommate. I’m exaggerating. But sometimes I wish my room didn’t change like yours.”

I try to keep from thinking about why my room is different.

“Sorry, Eliza. I shouldn’t have said that.” Finn says.

I guess I didn’t do a good job of keep it off my face.

“It’s fine. It happens. Anyway nothing else happened in February?” I ask trying to move on.

“Um, nothing really.”

“Dude, I didn’t see you all year and you’re telling me you didn’t do anything?”

“Okay. I dated Milly until mid-March.”

“You what?” I ask stunned.

“What do you mean what? I dated Milly Musgroves.”

“You know what I mean by what.”

“Ok fine. I do. Let’s just say it didn’t work out.” Finn says, looking away.

“She broke up with you, didn’t she?” I ask, smiling.

How else do you react to your crush dating your enemy? I mean, without giving away the secret.

“Yeah, because I couldn’t go to the dance with her."

“Well, she’s all about appearance and that probably wasn’t the only reason.”

“You’re talking about the fact that my dad actually has to do his own work, aren’t you?”

“Of course. Milly’s an heiress to an heir. Her family doesn’t exactly have a good work ethic.”

“And she ended up going with Ralph Anderson.” Finn says.

"I don't blame her. He's cute."

Finn stares at me for a long moment.

"Come on. I should show you the actual grounds."

I nod and take his hand to stand up.

I know he doesn't like when I talk about guys. But it's a double standard since he talks about girls.

----- ----- -----

"So much more than a backyard with a gazebo." I say, sighing. "Why in the world do they need this much land and entertainment areas?"

"No idea." Finn says, shrugging. "But imagine training by running it for 10 years and you have my life."

"And I thought Latin was bad. I am truly sorry."

Finn laughs and grabs my wrist.

"Come on. I wanna show you my house."

"Oh, you wanna do you?" I ask pulling my arm back.

"Don't make fun of me, Eliza. You know you're dying to see where I was raised."

"Alright, I am. You could try speaking English, though." I say, putting my arm through his.

Finn leads me to a house towards the back of the property. I turn and look at the main house. Yup, there's my bedroom. I definitely saw him while talking to Lindsay.

"Welcome to..."

Finn trails off and follows my gaze to the main house.

"Oh, yeah your bedroom is right across. Did you yell yesterday by any chance?"

I blush.

"You did! Why? And where did you go?"

"I was surprised and I ducked behind the window."

"What surprised you?"

"Weren't you saying something?"

"Welcome to Campbell cottage." He states, lackluster. "Why did you yell?"

"Does anyone actually call it that?"

"You're going to ignore me. Fine."

"Wait. If your house is behind the main house, why did you use the front door earlier?"

"I was out talking with a few of the other bodyguards."

I sit at the breakfast bar.

"So what do you think I should do?" I ask.

“Whatever's best for you and Jennifer."

"I'm asking for something a little more specific. I want advice."

"I think you should stay. You're going to be in that town until the 9th graders graduate. But then, you'll probably become close to the new girls. This might be your last time to leave Evanston."

"Thanks for dooming me there, Finn."

"You know that town like the back of your hand. It would be good for you to be a little lost. And Jenn would love it."

"Ok. I've decided."

Finn stares at me.

"I'm going to stay."

Friday, May 15, 2015

Fighting Through

So I was miserable this morning. I didn't want to do anything.

It was probably because of how late I got to sleep, 4 am. And then I barely woke up in time for my physical therapy appointment.

I'm happy I'm not seriously depressed anymore. But I don't know if I can stand these random days of misery. How am I supposed to grow if I pause every few days?

But I shook it off. I did a hair mask, face mask, and body scrub. I feel renewed.

I finally started on an assignment that was due Wednesday.

I'm disappointed that I didn't turn my assignment in on time. I'm disappointed that I didn't blog twice this week.

Now if only I can get over my hatred of sleeping so I can wake up on time tomorrow.

But I do see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Goodnight, Owls!

P.S. Yes it's corny but that's the group's name :)

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Knight in Shining Armor

Here you are, all built and strong
Wearing armor, some would say you're the one
My life is broken, shattered pieces on the floor
You're a knight, I'm just a damsel in distress

You've offered your hand, from your white horse
They say to take it, it's the only course
Why is that the only way, the only light
I can't stand, nothing will be fixed without your hand

Everyone knows the fairytales, we've heard of the strife
There's a girl trapped in a wretched life
And then along comes a man to change it all
Out of pain, the woman smiles and they ride off

Is that the story I want told
My life summed up in the words of old
Or can I stand without your hand
I'll stop being a damsel but you'll still be my knight

So I know it's not Poem Tuesday but this is something I've been musing about. Why do girls always need a guy to safe them? Why do guys have a hero complex? It's nice in the comics, movies, and books. But in real life you need to save yourself. Then you'll be ready to have someone stand by your side. I've always worried that if I fell in love with the guy who saved me, I'd be getting my feelings mixed up. I want to be good on my own and better with you.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Jaded: Chapter 2

“Lizzie, this is Nicole. She’s a sophomore at the academy. Nicole, could you show Lizzie to her room?”

Nicole nods and Belle starts to walk away.

“I’ll go confirm the plans for the weekend. See you at 6:30 for dinner.”

“Ok.”

Nicole leads me out of the foyer.

“Have you lived in Quincy long, Nicole?”

“I was born and raised in Winthrop.”

“I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to school near where I was born.”

“Where were you born?”

“Here. Well, in Plymouth.”

“Wow. So you might not need a tour of the city.”

“I haven’t been here in almost 10 years. It’s probably changed a lot being a metropolitan city.”

“That’s true. Well, your tour guide loves exploring so you’ll see a lot."

I nod and realize we’ve been stopped for a few moments.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll see you at dinner.”

I open the door and pause. It looks exactly like my dorm. The wallpaper, dressers, desks, and beds. It’s like a miniature version of my entire house.

I unpack quickly and go to the phone.

“Hello, Room 501.” Mikalya says.

“Hi, Mikalya. I wanted to let you girls know I landed.”

“Lizzie! I’ll put her on speaker. Calm down, Bianca.”

“Hiya, Lizzie.” Bianca says.

“Lizzie, how was the flight?” Rizalyn asks.

“Hi, everyone. The flight was fine. Finished reading the course guidelines.”

“Of course you did.”

“It’s important, Jenn. It’s our senior year.” Lindsay says.

“Anyway, how’s Ms. Simms? Which Simms are there?” Tess asks.

“Belle Simms is nice. Delilah Simms will be here for dinner soon. I think the brothers live in the north.”

“Well that’s disappointing. I wanted to know if Arthur is as nice as they say and if Caleb is naturally funny or if that’s simply prepared for interviews.”

“Maybe she’ll find out in the months, Tess.” Nascha says.

There’s an awkward silence.

“Some of us have work and others shopping plans so we should go.” Mikalya says.

“Of course. Have a good day.” I reply.

“Thanks.” Rizalyn says.

“Liz, can I talk to you?” Lindsay asks.

“Sure.”

“Bye, Lizzie.”  Bianca says.

I open the window.

“Mistress, I’m alone.”

“Lindsay, you were doing so well.”

“Right, sorry. Lizzie, have you made your decision?”

“What? No. I’ve only been here an hour.”

“That means it’s still in consideration.”

“Yes.”

“Fine. But make sure it actually benefits both of --.”

“No way!” I shout and duck behind the windowsill.

“Mistress?”

“Sorry. I thought a bird was coming in the window. Lindsay, I’ll repeat my promise to decide carefully. But I’m going to hang up to unpack now. Have fun reading on your day off.”

“Thanks. Choose well. And remember us.”

“Love you, too.”

It couldn’t have been. Right? That was a figment of my imagination. I didn’t just see him, did I?

----- ----- -----

Finn.

Apparently I did as he is currently standing in the Simms foyer.

His back is to me. He hasn’t seen me yet.

“Delilah, there you are.” Belle says as her sister comes into the room. “Delilah this is Eliz—Lizzie. Lizzie, this is my busy sister Delilah."

I glance at Delilah and look back at Finn. Who has turned around and is staring at me.

“Hello, Delilah. It’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry I’m late.”

“No need to apologize. I’m late as well.”

“Eliza!” Finn runs up the stairs and picks me up. “Eliza, is it really you?”

I stare at him.

“Come on, Liz. What are you doing here?” A beat. “Did you lose your voice yelling at the girls?”

“No. I was invited. What are you doing here?” I whisper back.

“You two know each other?” A girl asks speaks for the group.

“Yes, Mandy. We do.”

“Finn, why didn’t you say anything?” Belle asks.

“You didn’t say Eliza Gent was the girl. I would have agreed right away.”

“Well, that makes everything easier. Lizzie, Finn will be your tour guide.” Delilah says.

We continue the introductions. Timothy Campbell, Finn’s dad, is in charge of security detail. Nicole and Mandy are sophomores. They are SOS students and work for the Simms.

We sit down to dinner and Delilah asks Finn and me how we met. Finn tells me to relay the story.

“We met when we were 11. I was shopping with the manager of my home. Finn was touring the boys’ school. He was bored because it was the umpteenth time he’d seen it but he had never seen town so he…”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Finn gesturing for me to stop.

“You were bored? You’re the one who asked to go every year after that. I was done too. Wait, was Lizzie going to say you ran off?” Timothy asks and I realize what I had done.

“I wouldn’t say I ran off. I excused myself, without telling you. Anyway Eliza hasn’t said how we meet.” Finn says, knowing he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

He looks at me asking me to continue.

“So he came into the store I was in. It was a thrift store which was fine. But it was an all-girl thrift store, which was strange.” Kala and Mandy laugh at that. “Mrs. Bachchan, the home manager, asked him if he was lost and he replied that he was. Since we were done with our shopping Mrs. Bachchan told me to escort him and to be home by sundown.”

“Which is why I got in trouble but she didn’t.” Finn says.

“Is that the day that Timothy always talks about? The day when they finally found you, you were sitting by the gate?” Belle asks.

“Yeah, well… anyway that’s how we met.” Finn comments and continues eating.

“Someone doesn’t like being made to sound like a child.” Delilah whispers to me and I nod, giggling.

----- ----- -----

“Isn’t it a little weird?” He asks as Mrs. Bachchan walks out the store.

“Isn’t what a little weird?” I ask putting my hands in my pockets.

“That she would leave you with a stranger?”

“No.” I say walking to the door. “The town always looks out for us and everyone says I can handle myself. Plus, you're a kid too.”

I turn around and see the boy standing there.

“Well, are we going to get you back or not?” I ask, impatiently.

“We are.” the boy says, running over.

We exit and start walking down the street. I don’t even know if we’re going the right way as I don’t know where he is supposed to be. I look over and he is walking with his head down.

“Would you feel better if we introduced ourselves?” I ask and the boy looks up at me surprised. He doesn’t say anything so I put out my hand and say, “My name is Liz Gent.”

“Finn Campbell.” He says, shaking my hand.

“Well, Finn where did you need to go?”

“The Boys’ Academy.”

I nod and continue walking in the direction we were going in.

“Liz, do you want to go in there?” Finn suddenly asks.

I turn around and see the coffee shop he’s pointing at. Now it’s my turn to stare at the ground.

“I don’t have any money.” I say turning away.

“I can buy.” Finn says, quickly.

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to. And we have to get you back.” I say, flustered.

“I don’t have to be back immediately. I asked so it’s only right that I’m able to pay for both of us. So why not?”

I am a little thirsty from helping Mrs. Bachchan.

“All right.”

Finn smiles and opens the door.
----- ----- -----

After dinner, the next day was planned. Everyone went home. Belle invited me to watch a movie with Delilah and her. But Delilah said she had to work. Belle fell asleep halfway through so I went to bed.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Throw Back Thursday

I've always been conflicted about school. I love learning and being around peers. But I was stressed about being assessed by teachers and tests. I was also stressed about my classmates and their problems.

I missed a lot of school because stress made me sick. I went to work and college classes with my adult family. Just to avoid school.

TBT:
I remember one time my oldest brother was going to take my sisters and I to school. I locked the door to my bedroom and put my hands behind me on the rungs of my bed. I figure if he couldn't get me, I wouldn't go to school. I don't remember what was that day's pain but he wasn't buying any aches. I don't know why I didn't want to go. And I felt bad for disobeying. But I couldn't see another way.

My brother took off the door knob. I begged him to let me stay home or go with him. But he said no to both. With our 17 year difference, it wasn't that hard for him to pick me up. I went to school. And just sat. I wasn't able to stay away from school but I could mentally remove myself.

Now that I'm older I realize how terrifying it would be to have an elementary student lock themselves in   room. Especially when they're clearly distraught.

I think I still do that sometimes. I get ill from stress. That's a fact. But sometimes I convince myself that I'm worse than I am. If I don't want to go somewhere, suddenly I'm broken. It's like I've mentally locked a door and wrapped my arms around a pillar. And then if I do get myself out, I'm not really there. When I'm shy, I talk too much. When I'm anxious, I don't talk at all.

But I know this now. I understand it more. And that's the first step to improvement.

P.S. I wrote 25,135 words for April Camp NaNoWriMo. It wasn't my first goal but my secondary goal was 25,000. So even if I could change it and win on the website, I'm considering myself a camp veteran now. I can't wait until the next camp

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Speak...Now!!!

Oh tell me, tell me
Why it seems
Things that happen
Aren’t taken seriously

Talking is what goes on
No communication at all
Explaining again and again
Never understanding

Say something to me
How should I reply
Or is it really important
You’ll roll right over it

Listening is good
Using your ears is grand
So why does no one do so
Why can’t it be had

When will I be heard
Do I have to scream
Will it matter when it’s worse
How bad until you see

I can’t talk
And so I lose
Lose my trust, my truth
Lose my everything, lose you

Old poem: I want to say 1.5 years ago but it might have been longer.

I've figure out how to talk. I can say at least half of what I mean now. It isn't always enough. But it's more than before. And people are more understanding and wait for the other half.

Hopefully, I won't lose my truth. Or my people.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Jay Jain's Heart

I see you in my mind
Feel you in my heart
Know that I need you
Fully and in part
Really though
I don't know where to start

All that you do for me
Is too much to explain
Thing that makes me happy
Person who keeps me sane
You make me mad and sad
But mainly you wipe away my pain

You may not know it
But I need you all days
Everything you do
All of your wonderful ways
My love for you shows
My affection plays

When I talk to you
My mind never blanks
Always having fun
Always pulling pranks
All I wanted to say
Was thanks

- CoJa Brown

I wrote this in 2008. I was 13. This was the first poem that I thought was actually good. I guess this would be considered a milestone in my writing ability.

It reminds me of a 13 year old. The message is simple and to the point. It's lighthearted and youthful.

When I read it, I think of the boy I was in love with. And how much I wished I could have just told him this. But I'm not good at sharing my feelings in real life. So I wrote it down and tucked it away. And now it makes me nostalgic for those days.

Not that I want to be 13 again. But I want that breezy emotion of first love. I want the beautiful feeling that comes from being in love without thinking of anything real. Just being who you are. And knowing that the other person accepts you fully.