Autumn

The first week of November is over!

The picture speaks the truth. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this weather. One day, I have to bundle up and the next I'm hot. I have a love - hate relationship with autumn.

Also, a self-deprecating joke. --- But at least, I'm still running.

Word count- 12,767!

Paradoxical

I'm a INFJ. I have social anxiety. I can't communicate my thoughts. I don't understand relationships. I have panic attacks.

I am an INFJ. I love people and I believe that there is good in everyone. I have a range of interests. I enjoy listening to anyone talk. I don't dislike anyone. The closest emotion I get is frustration because I don't understand them. I want to be able to talk to someone 24/7. But I'm an introvert. I need alone time. Should that mean I'm lonely?

I have social anxiety. I feel my self with a select few. I feel like the moment I leave the house I'm putting on a play. I feel nauseous thinking about being with people. People make me smile when on the inside I'm scared. I'm scared of doing the wrong thing. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. I'm scared of being. How am I supposed to handle groups of people when I struggle with two?

I am a puzzle without a picture. I can't speak my thoughts. I don't understand what people mean. Conversations lose me hourly. People always need to explain themselves and then I feel stupid. I'm asked to explain myself and then mocked when I don't know how to. Why should I talk?

I don't understand relationships. People meet and talk to get to know each other. I always listen to learn how. Then when I meet someone, I sit in silence hoping they'll start the conversation. I hear about pairs and groups that I didn't expect. I can't figure out for the life of me what they talk about. If I could, would I be better at it?

I have panic attacks. My chest collapses on itself. My body feels 100 times heavier. But I'm not strong enough. Sometimes I can barely close my eyes. I can't even cry or shout. I tell myself to breathe. Breathing is supposed to be automatic. Why is it so hard?

I'm walking around with multiple oxymorons. My mind is constantly conflicted. I am an INFJ. I love people. But my social anxiety and fear of speaking leads to panic attacks. I have to trade off between comfort and social satisfaction. I don't want to have a bunch of labels. I want to be free to be me.

P.S. 9509 words! Still behind but I'm catching up.

7,319 words

Day 5 of NaNoWriMo complete. I'm a little behind schedule but the story is coming together.

I'll try to post something meaningful tomorrow. I'm so tired that finding the right letters is hard. My spelling is atrocious. I'm tired but content.

Well, I have to be up in 6 hours. Goodnight, world!

11-4-14

My appointments went well. I liked the doctors.

I'm still writing. But I haven't done my count since Sunday. Hopefully, I'll have that tomorrow.

I thought it'd be best to end today with a laugh.

"How did the hipster burn his tongue?"

"He drank coffee before it was cool."

White Sea

We were on the ground

Now we’re up so high

Overcame the obstacles

So that we could fly

Can’t take my eyes off what I see

Saw it in a movie once

Never thought it would happen to me

Surrounded by a white sea

Sights of wonder keep appearing

No more need for calming breaths

Cause there’s nothing I am fearing

Being where I am today

Can’t take my eyes off what I see

Saw it in a movie once

Never thought it would happen to me

Surrounded by a white sea

My emotions really are this far

Couldn’t feel this by feet, train, or car

We’re moving away

What I feel I’m happy with

Because of you I am blessed 

Helped me be who I am today

Can’t take my eyes off what I see

Saw it in a movie once

Never thought it would happen to me

Oh yeah surrounded by a white sea

Surrounded by a white sea

You'll be fine

I have two doctors appointments this week. And I'm panicking because they're both new to me. I don't want to meet new people. I feel like I have to pretend to be normal. I have to pretend to be an adult.

I have to fill out paperwork and my brain legitimately freezes. I'm always afraid of filling out the information wrong. Or that my printing isn't clear enough.

I've worked myself into a panic all day, thinking of ways I'll fail to make a good impression. But it doesn't matter what my doctors think of me! It matters what I think of them.

On a side note, my word count is 2511!!! ✊

Sense and Sensibility Part 2

Mr. Dashwood - He went from one sister to a whole family as company. He was won over by "such attractions as are by no means unusual in children of two or three years old." So the family would have gotten the money if they came when Margaret was a toddler. I still think ill of him.

Mr. Henry Dashwood - He was attentive to his uncle out of "goodness of heart." They weren't thinking of the rewards.

Mr. John Dashwood - He meant the promise when he made it. He "had not the strong feelings of the rest of the family." I think that's why he was easily influenced by his wife. Also his wife "was a strong carticature of himself- more narrow-minded and selfish." Reminder, marry someone who has the strenghs you lack, not your weaknesses intensified.

Mrs. John Dashwood - I can't share all my opinions on her behavior in the opening chapters so I'll emphasize a few key quotes. "She had had no opportunity, till the present, of showing them with how little attention to the comfort of other people she could act." "The Miss Dashwoods, who were reated to him only by half blood, which she considered as no relationship at all." (A paternal connection, in a male line powered world. A paternal connection is all that matters.) "And of course they will pay their mother for their board out of it." (A thirteen year old paying rent? When it's not even guaranteed that she'll get married. What if she needs the money later? You're not a human!)

Mrs. Henry Dashwood - "They encouraged each other now in the violence of their affliction. the agony of grief which overpowered them at first was voluntarily renewed, was sought for, was created again and again. They gave themselves up wholly to their sorrow, seeking increase of wretchedness in every reflection that could afford it, and resolved against ever admitting consolation in future." She shouldn't have done that with Marianne. I know she's sad that her husband died. I couldn't imagine going through anything like that. However, as a mother, she should have helped Marianne and herself by pretending to be strong.

Elinor (Miss) Dashwood - Sense "Possessed a strength of understanding and coolness of judgment which qualified her, though only nineteen, to be the counsellor of her mother." "Elinor, too, was deeply afficted; but still she could struggle, she could exert herself." I've always loved and admired Elinor but now that I'm 19 it's a whole new level. How did she govern her feelings so well? How did she handle indecency with grace?

Miss Marianne Dashwood - Sensibility "She was sensible and clever, but eager in everything: her sorrows, her joys, could have no moderation. She was generous, amiable, interesting; she was everything but prudent." She does have good qualities. She just needs to learn what to show and what to hide.

Miss Margaret Dashwood - "As she had already imbibed a good deal of Marianne's romance, without having much of her sense, she did not, at thirteen, bid fair to equal her sisters at a more advanced period of life." For anyone who thinks I was mean to Margaret in my last post, Jane Austen was worse. Basically, Margaret is doomed.

Edward Ferrars - "was not recommended to their good opinion by any peculiar graces of person or address. He was not handsome, and his manners required intimacy to make them pleasing. He was too diffedent to do justice to himself; but when his natural shyness was overcome, his behaviour gave every indication of an open, affectionate heart. His understanding was good, and his education had given it solid improvement." He is simple and not showy. He is shy and lacks self confidence. But he is kind and smart. He's perfect for Elinor.

Sir John Middleton - "Their arrival seemed to afford him real satisfaction, and their comfort to be an object of real solicitude to him. He said much of his earned desire of their living on the most sociable terms with his family." He likes people and needs lively company.

Lady Middleton - "Though perfectly well bred,, she was reserved, cold, and had nothing to say for herself beyond the most commonplace inquiry or remark." She's about 27. That's 13 years younger than her husband. Theoretically she could be the older girls' friend. But she's not interesting.

Mrs. Jennings - "Lady Middleton's mother, was a good-humoured, merry, fat, elderly woman, who talked a great deal, seemed very happy, and rather vulgar. She was full of jokes and laughter." She seems like fun. But talking about inappropriate things with unmarried women, or vulgarity, would get on my nerves.

Colonel Brandon - "He was silent and grave. His appearance, however, was not unpleasing, in spite of his being, in the opinion of Marianne and Margaret, an absolute old bachelor, for he was on the wrong side off five-and-thirty; but though his face was not handsome, his countenance was sensible, and his address was particularly gentleman-like." He's refreshing in comparison to the Middletons and Mrs. Jennings. But he doesn't have the potential to be a love interest.

Mr. Willoughby - "He apologized for his intrusion by relating its cause, in a manner so frank and so graceful that his person, which was uncommonly handsome, received additional charms from his voice and expression." "In his carrying her into the house with so little previous formallity there was a rapidity of thought which particularly recommended the action to her. Every circumstance belonging to him was interesting." He's gorgeous, polite, graceful, and quick thinking. What an first impression!

Chapters 1-5 : The two Mr. Dashwoods die in a years time. The younger Dashwood family moves in. Elinor meets Mr. Ferrars. They become friends but she won't admit to being romantically interested. Marianne doesn't understand Elinor. His sister tells mother Dashwood not to pair them. The main Dashwood family is offered a house by Sir John Middleton.

Chapters 6-8 : The Dashwoods move in and meet the Middletons. They're not great company but satisfactory. Mrs. Jennings is nosy and Colonel Brandon, dull. He does appreciate Marianne's piano playing, though. Marianne doesn't welcome this because Mrs. Jennings teases them both about being a couple.

Chapter 9-12 : Willoughby carries Marianne into the house when she sprains her leg. Margaret and her were caught in the rain and tried to run home. He makes a good impression on the family. Sir John endorses him but mourns Colonel Brandon's lose to a younger man. Willoughby calls the next day to deepen the acquaintance. "He was exactly formed to engage Marianne's heart." (No one is perfect for anyone!) Elinor becomes friends with Colonel Brandon. Mrs. Dashwood allows Marianne and Willoughby to boldly flirt. The family views the attachment as settled. Margaret reveals the first letter of Elinor's love's name.

Chapter 13-16 : Colonel Brandon has business in London, which cancels the plans for the day. Everyone is concerned about him except Willoughby and Marianne. They all go driving instead. Willoughby takes Marianne to his house which is inappropriate because she doesn't know the woman that owns it. And they didn't have a chaperone. Mrs. Jennings starts rumors about them and Colonel Brandon's urgent business. Elinor doesn't understand why Marianne has told the family about her engagement. One day, they come home to Marianne crying and Willoughby upset. He announces he's leaving with no plans of returning soon. Mrs. Dashwood and Elinor struggle to understand and disagree about how to handle the situation. Marianne purposely reminds herself of  him all week. Edward Ferrars arrives and makes Marianne happy in connection to her sister. Elinor is angered by his coldness but is polite anyway.