Paradoxical

I'm a INFJ. I have social anxiety. I can't communicate my thoughts. I don't understand relationships. I have panic attacks.

I am an INFJ. I love people and I believe that there is good in everyone. I have a range of interests. I enjoy listening to anyone talk. I don't dislike anyone. The closest emotion I get is frustration because I don't understand them. I want to be able to talk to someone 24/7. But I'm an introvert. I need alone time. Should that mean I'm lonely?

I have social anxiety. I feel my self with a select few. I feel like the moment I leave the house I'm putting on a play. I feel nauseous thinking about being with people. People make me smile when on the inside I'm scared. I'm scared of doing the wrong thing. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. I'm scared of being. How am I supposed to handle groups of people when I struggle with two?

I am a puzzle without a picture. I can't speak my thoughts. I don't understand what people mean. Conversations lose me hourly. People always need to explain themselves and then I feel stupid. I'm asked to explain myself and then mocked when I don't know how to. Why should I talk?

I don't understand relationships. People meet and talk to get to know each other. I always listen to learn how. Then when I meet someone, I sit in silence hoping they'll start the conversation. I hear about pairs and groups that I didn't expect. I can't figure out for the life of me what they talk about. If I could, would I be better at it?

I have panic attacks. My chest collapses on itself. My body feels 100 times heavier. But I'm not strong enough. Sometimes I can barely close my eyes. I can't even cry or shout. I tell myself to breathe. Breathing is supposed to be automatic. Why is it so hard?

I'm walking around with multiple oxymorons. My mind is constantly conflicted. I am an INFJ. I love people. But my social anxiety and fear of speaking leads to panic attacks. I have to trade off between comfort and social satisfaction. I don't want to have a bunch of labels. I want to be free to be me.

P.S. 9509 words! Still behind but I'm catching up.