The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

Question of the day: What is the first thought you remember and what do you think that says about you?

Mine: The first mature thought I remember having might be considered more of a feeling. I say mature because "look my toes move" isn't that sophisticated. My first meaningful thought was "what is happening and why am I being excluded?" It's closely tied to my first memory, of course, which was my family sitting around the dinner table. I can picture them now, unknowingly teaching me cause and effect. One would move their mouth and someone or all would react. I found out later that I was missing the ability to hear the conversation they were having. It felt like a play I didn't have the script to, that I had been denied the script to. This wasn't my family's fault. They didn't know the 22 month old couldn't hear them.

That first thought when I had no idea what was going on and if I was welcomed, I wonder if that reflects my life in any way. I've had that feeling thousands of times since. I wonder if it's instilled in me in some twisted way because it's the first feeling I ever remember having. I wonder if I subconsciously look for or create examples of how confused and excluded I am to justify my almost two year old self.

I think about that emotion. I live in fear that I'll feel it again. I know I will because I have over the years. But I haven't felt it to that extreme often. I know it doesn't last. I'm in the middle of the ride.

(Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.)

P.S. I am hearing. I had a lot of ear infections and ear wax as a toddler and spent most days unable to hear. I had it corrected at 2 and became an active part of my family.