First Podcast for Rin Jin Brown

Posted 10/18/23

Recorded a few months before

I had been looking for a show to watch so there’s a bit of rambling about what I was watching. Heartstopper season 2 and started Young Royals.

Y’all, Y’all. I’m in some (redacted). I love me right? I thought at the beginning of this year, I did not need a partner ever again. And then I kinda dated a guy. It was a thing. Then I kinda had a partner. Like 6 of them. I can’t think.

Redacted

Redacted

Redacted

I could deal. I like me! I like hanging out with me. I like going around town with me. I like sleeping.

No, I don’t. That’s a lie. I have very bad dreams. They’re awkward and creepy. And stick with me forever.

I had a dream that my friend’s mom had died of cancer. Probably because my mom had died of cancer.

Her daughter had just gotten married. And she was like “be my daughter.” And I was like “No!” But I kinda like pretended, because I’m a liar! (odd voice)

I just kinda let her be. Let her do her weird things. People tried to force adopt me a lot and I never thought it was chill. But I don’t know. How do you tell maternal people that you don’t need a mom?

That you have three. You have a dead mom. Who was still very much alive and don’t steal her place because you’ll never compare to her.

You had an aunt who sucked but was still there. Kinda

You had a brother who was teased about being your second mom. Before your actual second mom came, your aunt.

So then, don’t force me to accept me as my mother.

But I had a dream that lasted a year and a half. That’s not the longest. I’ve had ones that lasted 7 to 9 years.

But it was a long one and she was slowly dying of cancer. She was getting sick. Losing her hair.

I don’t think my mom lost her hair until like the last month of her life.

But she (the mom in my dream) started losing her hair. And then like her funeral. I don’t think I dreamt of her funeral. But her husband came to meeting and I gave him a big hug and was like “how ARE you?” after she died.

Um, so then I woke up. And someone mentioned them like that day or the next day. I had the dream like Monday or Tuesday. I saw her on Thursday and I almost cried. Like it would have been so weird if I just started balling at the hall. Like she was not died. In my head, she was sooo dead.

And I’ve had a lot of dreams. Really, really abusive, horrible dreams. And I’m like this is not real, is it? And after I wake up for like 5 or 10 minutes, I’m like “is that real? Is that my life? Is that the situation I’m in?” 

And it’s really, really overwhelming and really scary. And I have had to straight up tell people “like can we talk? Because I had a bad dream and I just wanted to make sure we’re alright.”

So yeah, I do not like sleep.

But in very weak stages of my life, I’ve survived hell. Multiple times. Pause. Multiple times.

Redacted for someone who has BPD. Like sometimes I wonder if I even have BPD and then something like this happens. And like last time an FP left me. Well, they didn’t leave me. I left them actually. But anyway.

I was inpatient in the mental hospital. And there was this kid, like 20 and he just felt so comfortable. And this was after (redacted but probably a count of how many hospitals I’d been in that year). And I was just not (redacted, comfortable?) and I had my year plan. And I had attempted a couple times at this point. For the year. And I just, long pause. I just couldn’t. Exist.

And there was this girl and we were friends. And she was real chill. And then like I think I slept all day the day she left. And I didn’t get to say goodbye. And that really hurt. So then like that same day or the next day he came. And (redacted). It energized me. He was real chill. I don’t know if I felt this like immediately. I don’t know if this thing has a feeling. But he’s never been kissed. He’s never been sexual. And after my assaults. It was just very nice to be in masc company without being vulnerable. Or I could be vulnerable without being a victim. And we just talked and like (redacted).

I think it was my second week there. Or like it was my second week but my second or third time being in the facility. In a couple months. Okay, so this is just going to be a story time. Because it’s like 7 minutes in and there’s a lot more to say.

But um, I. I met him on Thursday. And I made the mistake (playing Marry, Kiss, Kill, which is a great game to play inpatient. It is a great game because it never ends. And I think the main rule should be don’t talk about the people there. You can go back so many years and there’s so many celebrities. Thousands.).

So tell me why this douchebag who had the audacity to tell me. He was like “humor is great when you are depressed. Like I am the funniest person at this table. And I have the most trauma.” And I was like “excuse me sir. Excuse me.” 

Why are we rating people’s trauma? I don’t think he should have said that. I don’t compare my own trauma to other ones of my traumas. Don’t you dare compare my trauma. You don’t know anything about my story. You don’t compare it to her. You don’t compare it to them. No. Don’t. No.

So like I was really upset. And I was like. Like in my head, the number one reason, not saying anything, I’m comparing my own traumas again and I shouldn’t. But he was there because he was depressed. LONG pause. Several seconds. A minute. A minute and a half.

Um, depression sucks. I think, Bipolar type 2, BPD, and chronic depression. I don’t know if they still say I have chronic depression because of the other ones. But if I also have chronic depression with those two things. It means that some people with BPD and Bipolar have mania, full mania.

It means that people either have full mania, or I call it contentment for Bipolar type 2. It’s not as intense as Bipolar type 1. But maybe I don’t know. Maybe I just have really chill Bipolar type 2. BPD is intense emotions. You’re 100 everything. You’re 100 scared, 100 happy, 100 sad, you’re 100.

If I have BPD, Bipolar 2 and chronic depression, that means compared to people who have (redacted), I am even more often depressed. My happy state (I hate the word happy. I don’t like the word happy. I use content.), my content state is still depressed. I can be content, and then like if I just died right now or tomorrow. If I just didn’t wake up, whatever. Depression sucks!

But having been inpatient like 16 times now, no like 13. Having been inpatient 13 times, the time when I was depressed. My first inpatient stay in 2019 when I was depressed. Vs at that point I had had 5 attempts. In my life, 5 attempts in less than 3 years. I’d been assaulted, I’d been in toxic relationships.

Yes he is 8 years older than me. Yes he was a soldier. Yes, he learned how to drink his own pee. Does not matter. To rank depression and then say like he’s the most depressed person at the table. My depressed stay and my 5 times tried to kill myself stay were completely different.

There were times when I (redacted) for no reason other than life was hell. And he was like “I killed people.” and I’m like “I tried to kill the most important person in my entire life. Have you done that yet?” And again, maybe his trauma is bigger than mine. Maybe he’s the worst off person in the entire planet. Which I don’t believe in. I think in your entire life, you’ve probably been the most depressed person in the world. BPD is intense emotions all the time. You’re 100.”

Anyway he hinted at it so much for the next day that the kid figured out.

Spectrum. There are 8 billion people on the planet. You have either been bottom 4 billion or top 4 billion. It’s just. That’s how life is. So no one has the right to say that they are the most anything. Ever. the most of you ever in your life. Sure. But don’t compare yourself to a single other person.

Anyway, this guy has the audacity to ask, who in the room out of all the guys, ignoring the fact that I’m pan and ace, who out of all the guys in the room, would I want to fuck.

And my stupid brain said this kid. I was not attracted to him. I was not attracted to anyone in that room. But because of my assaults, I knew that he would not do that. That he would be…. I almost said lover. Ew. I don’t even want to think of him in that term. And I didn’t mean to. It was just. It was just…. me being blunt. I’m always blunt. And I always answer and I shouldn’t always answer. And I tell the truth. But, even though I’m a pathological liar. I’m not a pathological liar. That’s like an actual disorder. But I’m such a liar. And then I tell the truth. And I don’t understand why.

Sometimes I can tell the truth. And sometimes I can lie. And I can’t do it at the times I actually need to.

I should have just been like “you. What are you going to do about it?”

So then he hinted at it for the next day and a half so much that the kid figured out. And then I had to have a sitdown moment by myself Friday night and be like why do I want to be around him. Like I was like, like I said I’d been asleep the last 5 or 6 days. For like 17 hours a day. I was missing all my meals. I was only waking up for my meds. They had taken away my morning meds which probably didn’t help. I’d been on all my medication for 3 or 4 years. Like my meds know me. My body knows my meds. So they took away my morning med. And there was no reason for me to wake up for breakfast. There was no reason for me to wake up for lunch.

Um, I was eating like 200 calories. I was very lethargic. I was madly depressed. I was still suicidal. I don’t like groups at that place.

So yeah, I basically had no reason to wake up. This kid, I swear, I woke up for breakfast the day after meeting him. I was, I was aware. He put up with so much shit from me. And if I ever meet him again, I want to apologize.

So the guy who asked me, he spent the time humming the wedding march.

I was bothering him so much but he was a sweetheart and putting up with it. And I think it was a little distracting him from his situation. I held back so many times, so many times. And I would do something stupid and bug him.

I think, I think we had dominos and I took one and kept aiming it at his stomach. It was sooo weird. I was a child again. And like, he was just so endearing the whole time and he put up with me.

Um, but on Friday I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. I didn’t want him think that there this person 7 years older than him creeping on him, like I want to …. I wasn’t even thinking like that.

So I tried to explain to him what a BPD person’s FP is. Favorite person. And like that’s even scarier probably. At least everyone’s used to lewd ideas about them. y’know?

But being like “you are making and breaking my life right now”. Maybe that was a bit intense. And he didn’t fully understand it and that’s fine. (11/26/23 - if I was ever to be inpatient with another fp, I would not explain it. It’s too much to put on a fellow person who is suffering.)

Um, but it was just so sad because I knew I was going to Griffin. I had been at one hospital for 2 weeks. They let me leave while I was feeling suicidal. I had been to emergency care, I’d been to my own mental health place. Um, they sent me back. This was like my third time at this facility. And I knew I was going to intensive care because everywhere is barely 2 weeks. And so it takes 3-6 weeks for your medications to settle. And they were messing with mine.

Anyway, um, last year was hell. I was homeless. I’m still technically homeless because I’m not on the lease (as of 11./26/23 STILL not on the lease). And so, every single doctor had this opinion that I was risking my life for shelter. Which is kinda fair.

I um, no. I had this suicide pact with myself, this suicide plan for 18 months regardless of, before I became homeless. So I probably would have been attempting all those times without this. Being homeless wasn’t helping. I had also been assaulted. I hadn’t been in therapy. And a bunch of other things. And I’m still not in therapy (as of 11/26/23 I’ve been in therapy almost 4 months.)

They, they decided that I was taking up other people’s space. Basically that my life wasn’t as important as other people’s. And I was not ….. Pause….. I’m feeling sad right now. And I’m very ADHD because I’ve had like 7 topics and haven’t explained why I’m talking about this. But.

I was so lost.

And he was this breathe of fresh air.

And I could just forget. About everything that I had been through.

And just act.. … like a stupid 9 year old boy.

Sorry boys. But you know the whole stereotypical boy with a crush.

I guess I had a squish. Idk. There’s a lot of terms. But it wasn’t romantic and it wasn’t sexual.

But I just.

I just needed him.

And he had to put up with me needing him.

And I was going to this hospital possibly for months. Until I could find housing.

So it wasn’t as intense, it was as (redated) as the girl before him. (11/26/23 untrue.)

I-I just processed y’know, someone leaving me. Someone that I had latched on to in a matter of minutes, hours, days. And so.. I could do this again. He could leave.

And I knew he was leaving. He, poor child, his story was so sad. And I feel so bad for bugging him.

I guess that’s my top symptom of mental health issues. Being unable to stop myself from bugging him.

If I, if I----excuse me. If he cursed me out, if I realized I was not making his life enjoyable. He was laughing, he was smiling. He was blushing a bit. But if I really thought I was making an issue, I would have stopped. I would have gone and laid down in bed and just like frozen. And I don’t think I did that;

If he ever hears from me again, it will be “Thank you so much and can I give you a hug?”

But he um, I didn’t want to see him Monday morning (that doesn’t sound right. Or possible), oh that’s what I was saying.

He had a reason to be there. He had attempted. It was very dangerous. And do I think he should have got out as soon as he got out, no.

But it had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t because I wanted him to be in my life. It’s just that I was worried about him.

But Monday morning, he got there Thursday night, Monday morning they um, it was not quite morning. No, it was. It was Monday morning at like 11 and everyone was going back to see their teams. My team meeting was boring because they were like this is your third time here. There’s no reason for you to be here. Well there is a reason. But like we’re just trying to make the system work. We’re trying to get you to this long term hospital.

Mental health in America. Mental health anywhere. Mental health struggles. Mental health life.

So I didn’t really care about being with him. I wasn’t expecting many people to go home since it was Monday. I wasn’t epecting anyone who came after Wednesday to go home. Because they generally wait the full 72 hours to 108 hours to release. They came on Thursday night so Friday was the only day that counted. Saturday and Sunday don’t count because the mental health team isn’t there.

So I wasn’t expecting anyone to go home. I wasn’t expecting to go anywhere. Um, I was just expecting to continue our week and have Tuesday. So one of my friends, my female friend, was having a moment and I let her go to the women’s side. And as she was leaving the boys said to go check on her. I said I was going to give her a few more moments. She had just gotten done with a phone call. And I guess it went bad.

So I went and talked to her. And saw what was going on. And I guess in that time, the boys, the men had gone to see their teams. So they were getting ready for lunch. And we were the popular table. Almost every time I’ve stayed I’ve ended up at the popular table. Just like 2 times I left at times. And then the other time I didn’t like the popular table and waited for a few people to leave before I joined.

I call it the popular table because one time we combined 3 tables to sit like 10 or 11 people. Half the unit. At one point a couple women took the tea and grabbed all of us cups for lunch. And Mr. Letter called out “put that back. Cool table stop.” And I was like yassss! We are in school again. 

But when I had been in school, I didn’t go to public high school, we never had a real popular group. Middle was like 10 people that everyone I knew, knew. And elementary was 6. But somehow I talked to everyone in elementary because I was the mediator and would fix everyone’s relationships the rare times that I went to school.

I hated it at school. I hated home. I hated life.

Being a part of the popular table for inpatient is kinda like oddly rewarding because I’m popular for talking about my illness and being so chill.

The most scared I’ve been inpatient was when someone had a seizure and they were totally treating it wrong. I was shouting “turn him on his back” but they wouldn’t let me close enough to do it. I was like “I have cpr training.” These techs are supposed to have cpr training but they aren’t doing the right things. And it was barely when the ambulance came that, like 3 minutes into his seizure, they did that. I was like “he is going to die. And I can’t be here when he dies.”

Anyway. Way to make someone’s death about me. But we’re centric people. Yeah, it’s a terrible thing to say but it’s a realistic thing.

And people ask me how I stay so chill despite like yelling and takedowns to sedate people. I say “we are here because we want to die. What is the worst this person is going to do? Kill me? Is that a bad thing? I don’t get it. What are you so scared about?”

Anyway, I’m morbid.

So we were the popular table during this kid’s visit, or stay. You don’t visit inpatient, you get stuck there.

So I came back and the girl was washing her face or something. And I feel so bad because she was a sweetheart and gave me her number but I lost it. She even wanted me to live with her. But I couldn’t really be there for her. It would help me but not her. So I feel like I ghosted her.

So I walked to the boys side and called over the line “why’d you leave the popular table?” And they were walking behind me and I could hear them talking. So the soldier was like “you have to tell her.” and the kid asked “how?” and the guy was like “rip it off like a bandaid.” The kid told the guy that he had to tell his girl. So soldier had openly been flirting with the girl I had gone to talk to. Um, so we sit down and I was …. I don’t know if I asked them or if I was just pretending to be in my own little world. I was definitely like 60% just in my own little world. So I wasn’t pretending. Um, pause. 

Basically they had both seen their mental health team and the guy was like “I’m leaving Tuesday.” I said “I’m happy for you.” Basically I’m happy for me because I don’t have to put up with him much more. I’m such an asshole. Laughs. I’m such a nice asshole. Um, I’m so nice all that time that I get shocked when I’m an asshole. I’m like why can’t I do this all the time. Just be a savage. And be that bitch.

But then my kid. My kid? Was like “I’m leaving today at 3.” And I’m sitting there and I’m like “Okay.” happy voice. And they were like “aren’t you bugging?” Like they both looked at me wide eyed. And the kid looked a little hurt, I swear. And they were like “he’s like your favorite person. And I was like it’s funny you should use that word.

I was like “there was a girl here before you and when she left I dealed. So someone else will come and I’ll deal again.”

And they were like just so shell shocked. Like I kept moving to sit next to him. And they were like “how are you dealing with this?” And I was like “there are 8 billion people in the world. I will find someone. That’s how I’m dealing with this.”

Um, it’s like 11:30. I have like 3.5 hours to prepare to say goodbye to this person. Like I can mentally say goodbye and whatever. And we’d already exchanged numbers. Which he didn’t have his memorized, very apropos to his personality. It was either perfect that he doesn’t have it memorized or that he would automatically lie about having it memorized. He didn’t have any social media. He was like I have like 4 friends. He for sure never wanted to talk to any of us ever again. So it could have been either way.

So I gave him my Facebook. And phone number and both have changed since.

So I was mentally preparing for goodbyes as lunch came. And as lunch came, they called me for Griffin. And I was like okay. And they were like stand up and get your things we’re leaving in 15 minutes. And I was like “oh!”

I’d already said bye to everyone. And they were like rushing me out. But I was making sure I had everything. It was just so whirlwind.

I hadn’t even been outside in like days. I had two people carrying my stuff. Two people walking me over. I hadn’t been alone in even longer than that. The last time I was alone, I tried to kill myself. So they sat me down and told me to wait for the doctor. And I had THE worst withdrawals of my entire life….. pause….. Pause. Worse than having a seizure from medication withdrawals. Worse than having a second seizure from my overdose withdrawals. Worse than passing out in my bathroom with less than 48 hours withdrawals. Well, I didn’t pass out but I like fell to the floor at 2am and yelled for my siblings to take me to the hospital. Worse withdrawals of my entire life.

I felt like someone had taken my heart and squeezed all the blood out. And it hurt. A lot. I was like what is wrong with me? I feel worse than when my mom died. How is this possible?

And it was because he was my FP. I’d never felt that way before. I haven’t felt that way since. It was really scary. I was like how can a person do that to you? I never want this to happen again.

And then my doctor accused me of lying about having BPD. About having Bipolar. And told me that no one has the memory of being 3 and looking out their fence at daycare and wanting a car to stop on the sidewalk as they crawled out the gate, through the ivy, pause, and get kidnapped, raped, and killed. No one. That could not be possible. Out of 8 billion people. And how many people in history? And that could not. be. possible.

So I must have been lying. Because I was homeless and I needed somewhere to stay. And she didn’t know I was going through the worst withdrawal of my life. And I was angry. And I never lashed out. I lashed out like twice in my life, like really lashed out. Just before that when I was in the hospital and a nurse said, he misspoke and said that what was an IV when I got to the hospital wasn’t an IV. But what he meant was that it wasn’t a viable IV anymore. That it was a dead line. But I thought he was saying it was impossible and he did not trust that I was suicidial enough to rip the IV off my person. And he was like “how dare you take life saving medicine that other people are begging for and treat it like this”. And I was like “give it to them then.” I thought that was the most ridiculous statement. Like do you know that I tried to kill myself less than 24 hours ago. Do you think I care about life saving medicine?

Don’t bullshit with a suicidal person. Don’t be logical. They aren’t logical. They are irrational.

So I lashed out at him. And I lashed out at this doctor. This doctor that was supposed to decide if I get life saving care. Or sent to the street. After trying to kill myself 5 times in 3 years.

And she told me I was lying.

Pause

And I told her I did not care. I would go into the street and kill myself right now. I will not make mistakes this time. I am here for help. I’m asking you for help and you’re being a jerk. And she sent me out.

And I pinched myself so hard I drew blood. (12/2/23 I hadn’t done that in over a decade. And I still have the scar 12 months later.)

Oh, and she told me my two rapes weren’t rapes. That I had consented. Even though I hadn’t consented. Because I didn’t verbalize my no. Like the denim. The reason we wear denim once a year. Her pants were so tight. That she must have helped take them off. So she consented. A woman doctor had the nerve to look me in the eye and tell me this.

And I pinched. And I pinched. And I drew blood.

I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to find my new FP. I wanted to become my own FP.

I wanted to live to spite her. And I didn’t care if she sent me out in 5 minutes. I didn’t care if I had to go down the street again. I didn’t care if I got raped a million more times.

I wanted to live to spite her.

And it was the most I felt like I could spontaneously die. Just with how much pain I was going through. Physically. Emotionally. And mentally.

And I don’t really remember how I got on this tangent. I was just saying I wasn’t having the best week. Because my current FP is out of town.

And moving.

And I’m having a hard time processing it.

But if anything I have reminded myself how much I have been through. How much I have survived. How much I shouldn’t be alive. And how much I want to see tomorrow.

And I probably don’t have time to record my shows. My alarm went off 13 minutes ago to take my meds. Redacted and I have work.

Live long and prosper. Peace and long life.

May your needs. The needs of the one. Outweigh the needs of the few. Or the many.

May 19 and 21 2023

 Recorded 10/18/23

So I deleted the first video before I decided what I wanted to do here. This recapping my videos for writing from May. Omgosh. It is October. This was months ago. This is a project in time. Um, so. May 19, 2023. It is currently the 18th October 2023. So I am going to hopefully put this up today. And it will be the first. Well not today because I literally just put up a video. Or an um, podcast yesterday, well not it is posting today. So not today. Um, it says,

“Who wants to go to a concert with me becuase I do this every single concert. (referring to loud screaming and singing). You about to find out.”

Badly sings Jonas Brothers’ song.

Laughing at audio of my bad singing.

“Redacted brown eyes looking into his soul.”

“I am so ready for this. And I have not written any of this. Okay so it is Friday. I know I didn’t write anything the week that I went to see my best friend. Because that was a bad week. I’ve only spent a week writing this story. I’m on three weeks into this month and I don’t know if I’m going to write any next week. I hope I do. I’m supposed to be writing daily. At least one of my three stories. MMhmmm.” Laughs

“No 5 stories. Ugh, 6 stories. I’m supposed to start JEB next week (referring to picking back up A Beta’s Pride.”

“So opposite his higher pitch for his greeting in Thai. Does anyone else notice that when Thai speakers speak. This is dirty for me to be typing while reading. (referring to scene being typed. most likely smut.) I don’t know much about women speakers. But male. AMAB when they speak English versus Thai, English is a little bit deeper. I don’t know… Maybe, well, I’m basing it off like three people so I know it’s not common. I don’t know that much. But I feel like a lot of Asian languages are just a little bit higher pitched.”

I think there is actual science there. But I’m not going to get into it. I’m just typing at whatever time of night, oh, no day. It was daytime

“I wonder how many words I’ve typed this month. I think I can double it next month.”

I’m probably still doubling times and like I really shouldn’t. It’s alright if I don’t write all the words I want in a month. I’ve got plenty of months.

Reacting to myself screaming Nick Jonas. “I was appreciating Nick as much as I was praising Joe the other time. But I was in love with Kevin first, so like…”

Singing along to Jealous.

Followed by screams.

“I am like DYING for Nick Jonas. Omigod.”

“Ohmygosh this chapter’s over. I need to post chapter 2. I should have posted that before I started singing. Now I need to post like 3 chapters. Yay!” (sarcastic)

“Why do you keep spending money on him at all? I guess it’s like your welcome present but (redacted) (Ubi) isn’t poor. I mean… yeah, that’s his name for now.”

I think I actually said Uea, his original name.

Reacts to Lovebug by Jonas Brothers. Audio of 2019 concert.

“This song like changed my life. I don’t know who I was in love with at this point. I was only ever in love with well, him. But I fancied myself (odd voice) in love with a lot of different people. But I want to say I had just… stop.. Actual guy I was in love with.”

“We’re going to call him… (stares off) Jonas (not just because I was listening to JB, but this is a solid perfect play on his actual name. And I can’t believe it took me like forever, many, many years to get there.) Um, then I switched to R, then I switched back to Jonas, then I switched to R, then I switched back to Jonas, then I switched to T and then I switched to… so yeah.” Gets sad. “So I think I fancied myself in love with R when that song came out. (redacted) but I was surprised to be in love with someone else.” (other than Jonas)

What song? Lovebug. I’m talking about Lovebug. Omigod.

Badly singing Before He Cheats. Wonders why I didn’t cut the video of me messing up

“I guess I’m being honest. .. Working with a fourth of what I was promised. Anyway,”

Getting back to Hamilton because we always get back to Hamilton.

Bunch of bad singing later.

“Okay when everyone sees all of Andrew’s nicknames I’m going to say it was normal when his name was Edward.”

Page count on VAULT - 23 pages

I think VAULT is still at like 36 pages. I haven’t been writing it.

“I need to write what day I typed that.” (After 2 months off writing, I still struggle with this).

And I wrote that (about writing the date) like a month ago (by 10/18/25) and I still struggle. I’m trying to write the date I write stuff and I’m still struggling.

“Caught up on VAULT. How many words is VAULT?”

 4,(redacted). I can’t believe haven’t written anything in over a week.”

I give up on writing sometimes.

As Is

Trying to figure out how many chapters each girl has. “I’m very symmetrical about this story. I don’t know why.”

“Okay the first chapter was 1,875. The next chapter was 2,656. Chapter 3 is 1,154.”

Singing “5,500 (oh, no that was not the rhythm I wanted. That was, what’s it called. Seasons of Love) words typed today.” That’s the thing that I did.

“What is my alarm situation? Oh, I didn’t wash dishes today. Oh, I didn’t do Enby, Enby RiffRaff. Where is Enby RiffRaff? Well I’m doing Purple now. Which is going to take me longer than the 20 minutes it was supposed to. Enby RR will be 12:30pm. This one is supposed to be 11:50. That is in 20 minutes. That’s not going to happen.”

I’m glad I stopped, well I have no time to put a bunch of alarms on what to do in the morning. I need to wake up earlier to get stuff done before work. But as of right now, I’m kinda just fine with waking up to go to work at 10.

Reacting to video of monster. “They are ripping up magazines. JW magazines. That’s hilarious.”

“I need to do dishes in 30 minutes when I finish. What am I supposed to do next?”

“My baby had rolls for days.”

Just typing while watching videos.

Making throw up noises at my family’s names lol

Laughing at baby noises as I type

Watching a video of a 1.5 year old playing with my 1 year old. I don’t know how 5 adults missed the child hit my child.

Okay, I think we’re starting to get into. No, I’m not on the video I have the audio for yet.

Me recording a bunch of videos on the train out to OKC in 2017

Surprised to find I had video of my baby learning to walk. Yesss!

That’s how I react to children falling. “Are you okay? Yeah, you’rer okay.”

My place is the backseat with him

I would totally be on time if I hadn’t done those songs. I recorded songs. But I don’t think I have video of that so I don’t know why I did that.

“Hey you don’t break out of your carseat.”

Playing with the seatbelt. That seatbelt is really loose and shouldn’t be like that. (The baby was playing with their seatbelt and the seatbelt shouldn’t be like that) Always check your seatbelts babes. They can get bigger, they can move sometimes. Just keep it right and keep it tight.

Timer goes off. I’m supposed to be doing me hair? No thank you. I’m supposed to read a bit later. Yeah right, timer.

Wow I’m being so helpful to myself.

Them watching football. They love football. I’ll post a picture of them in their football onesie. It’s sooooo cute

No one can talk with the baby around.

Winter is heck. Winter is heck in California and I’m preparing for Oklahoma.

That was avideo I recorded as a teena- or no young adult.

I can’t believe this took 40 minutes to type. I think it’s taking longer to type than it did to write.

They love the rain now. They love the rain. I told them this morning it was raining. They got up and jumped on the couch to watch.

That’s on May 19th, 2023. They’re adorable.

Yeah. That was ridiculous. That took 47 minutes to type. But only 20 minutes to write. Was I really typing that whole time? My wrist hurts from the height.

105 problems. A 103 problems on the other one. (That’s about Grammarly) And 20 pages. How many words? Word count is 5,212. So my word count for today is about 14,000. Well, not really not just today.

Bye

So that’s the end of my first video ever. That I ever took.

We’re going to get into the second video.

5-21-23

Okay so I didn’t write anything like recently. (Oh, I know where I put the videos of me singing. I think I put them on Instagram. Or maybe YouTube. I’m not sure.) I updated my typing Friday and I don’t have any more typing of Purple or VAULT. (Coughs horrible. ‘Cuse me.) 

(So Purple and VAULT. I started in May. I was supposed to write a little bit every day. Then I was supposed to write a little bit every other day. Then I was supposed to write every third day. I literally just haven’t written. Like I think I’ve written some Purple. I’m researching VAULT right now with microbiology. I’m getting a lot of inspiration for a lot of jokes and really smutty scenes. But like I don’t think I’m going to hit 15,000 words before the end of the year. Like maybe but I really don’t think it’s likely because I’m focusing on other stories to finish out.) 

So I’ll do those today. And maybe type today. I’ll write in the morning and type at night. I know I’m supposed to write those two. But those are at 8 and 9 o’clock and it’s 6 in the morning. 

So I’m going to get started on the others I was supposed to type like AISHB and I don’t think I’m supposed to work on SING. I’m supposed to type Aii, AISHB, and Enby RR. I’m supposed to post EtJ. (Redacted. I don’t know what I said there). I’m supposed to clean my phone. That’s going to take forever.

So this video shouldn’t be over an hour. I don’t know how long those stories are going to take.

I’m going to have to move my stories to different emails. Cause this is too many stories for one email (10-17-23 update - still not done.) (As of yesterday when I was typing up this transcript, no, I still haven’t done this.)

I can’t always find the stories I want.

I can’t wait to show the monster the videos of them.

I don’t want to have to copy. What will I do to copy 54 pages?

(I don’t know what that means.)

This is one of my favorite concerts. Well, I don’t know. I shouldn’t compare. Deep voice king.

Ranting about Miraculous Ladybug.

Oh, look it’s my cult singing.

Me freaking out about Josh Turner’s voice on Everything is Fine

Ok I’mn going to find that.

Paused and looked. Didn’t find.

Okay well. I don’t know where that is.

But I’m going to play a snippet of Long Black Train because I love that one too. Okay, this is very difficult to do.

Okay so I’m at 5 pages of the transcript.

Singing along to Long Black Train (I know Josh means it as a warning. But I want on the Long Black Train. That is my father with a holy name.) The train can come for me. It’s fine, Josh. You’re Christian. I don’t know what I am.

Singing to Time is Love

Okay this is a fun little bit. It’s basically the rest of the episode.

It got a little steamy. Little? (what story is this about?) Fine a lot. He topped me (Enby RR)

Talking about Time is Love

Measuring time in kisses is kinda funny to me. Like I don’t want to talk to you. Do you know how many kisses I could have gotten by now? I’m missing out on? I don’t want to talk to you.

Condoms? I ask. As in plural

That’s back to Ney.

Grant’s face falls.

I’ll be done with this notebook on the 5th. (Was I done with this notebook on the 5th? I hope I was.) I can put it in the closet. Do you know how good it feels to put notebooks in the closet? I haven’t done it yet. That’s how good it feels.

Grant laughs again. Twice on a page. I hate when I do that.

Well, he’s been sexually active 5 years longer than me. So his stamina is on a different level.

Comparing Grant to his own fucking boyfriend. Ney!

I don’t know what this has to do with anything. Ney!

I just finished a whole pack of Hawaiian rolls by myself and I’m a little worried (that was in a video I recorded and like yes!)

I’m glad that Josh has a partner. And has a little hometown girl. And these songs are from different points of view. And there’s a lot of point of views. And there’s a lot of different songs. One minute is this point of view. Then this other one. And then another point of view.

But Josh needs a little hometown girl. I’m not a little hometown girl. Will I get any Joshs in my life? What Josh will be alright with me not being a little hometown girl? I don’t need any Joshs in my life. Josh is a bad name. I don’t like any of the Joshs I knew. That’s, that’s not true. I had a child named Josh. They were awesome. I’ve known 2 Joshs and I’m basing all the Joshes on that one Josh.

But Josh Turner. Where do I get a Josh Turner like country boy? Without being a hometown girl? Because I am not going riding. I am not doing any of it. I’m not.

I put on Rise and Shine nail polish for that line for that concert. (It was such pretty nail polish)

I am so bad about letting my nail polish chip.

I forgot I had Taki last night. I was like why are my nails this color. Oh.

Are people awake? No one is supposed to be awake.

Let’s see what we have so far. (Enby RR)

“Well, he’s been having sex 5 years longer than me so his stamina is on a different level.”

“Hmm. I think Namsoon and Heungoo switch.”

(Knock on my door. Well, I’ll be finsihing this episode in a bit.)

(That was not my therapist like I thought. It was the groceries I forgot I ordered yesterday. I’m so forgetful. Omigosh.)

Babe what?

“No. Woobin totally tops.”

“Isn’t shipping real people a little (a bit and I can’t say that word), strange?”

That was a mish mash of Ney and me talking.

“I don’t ship Lee Jong Suk and Woobin.”

Oh, I’ve been writing Woobin but I call him Woob and so does Grant.

“Then why didn’t you say Heungsoo tops?”

Oh just me in the hospital missing my kdramas, writing all about them.

“All I see when I look at him is Woobie.”

“You’ve nicknamed a Korean guy you’re never going to meet.”

Grant gasps.

“Take that back.”

Then I just die of laughter. It says:

Laughter upon laughter.

“Okay. You’re totally going to meet him one day at a fanmeet.”

“And he’ll take one look at me and say ‘Screw girls’.” Laughing while typing. “I’ll be like, ‘not the right term for a nice hook up’. And he’ll say, ‘no. no more girls for me. Let’s run away together’.”

And then I just go on for like 11 lines.

Hey, I don’t have any fantasies like this. Okay, well I have one. I have one fantasy like this. A couple. Two celebrities. But not really. Not like Grant. Grant is like if “I meet this man he will fall in love with me”. It’s a little facetious (Grant is a little facetious). But I honestly don’t think I would actually be able to hook up with them only because I’d be like not smooth at all. I’d be ranting about how much I love them. When I started loving them. And how much my love has grown. And they would be like ‘you’re freaking us out’. I don’t think I’d make it past a 5 minute convo. Cause I would be so stunned at first. I’d be trying to find the least creepy thing to say. And if we made it past 5 minutes, I’d just ramble it all out. And it depends on how we met. Because I am not quiet about my love for them. So they would know. If we were to hang out, I’d be talking about my love for them. And they would tell me to leave. They are such humble creatures. But they praise each other all the fucking time. So maybe they would be cool.

Tomdaya. Tomdaya. Tomdaya.

My Tomdaya dream inpatient.

I was dating Tom for like 3 or 4 weeks. Well I had a dream like 3 weeks in we were shopping and going to a club. So like 5 weeks into the relationship. I love when my dreams have time lines.

So we were in the middle of an ACT. And I just randomly asked does Zendaya know about me? And Tom like paused and I was like she doesn’t? and I got up and got dressed. And as I was walking out his bedroom was like “I’m going to tell Zendaya and we’ll date until you’re ready to be mature.”

So I knew I was in love with both them. Well, whatever superficial love.

Superficial love is as amazing as real love. It’s not unreal. Superficial love is valid. Some superficial love last even better than deeper ones.

So if I like both of them, have a dream about being a triad, being happy and being successful. No I had a dream about being a side piece. And I’m going to be so epic that he’s risking it all.

You don’t risk anything with Zendaya. You be honest with Zendaya. You be honest with anyone but especially not Zendaya. You don’t want to lose her.

So we dated on the side. And when I was leaving, I was so sure Zendaya would date me. LIke be interested in me. And not mind that me dated her boyfriend. But I didn’t know she didn’t know. And if it didn’t randomly come in my head would I ever have asked.

I understood in my dream, that dream Tom understood. That I was going to wait for him to be a successful triad. And I just read a little of my story. My own story cracks me up. (Okay, so I was telling this story about my dream. And then I glanced over at the side of the computer and read some of my story while I was telling my dream. Which I think is kind of the goal. Cause I write for me.)

It’s just really funny. LIke why that dream. Why am I so sure I could get them? Like no.

So back to Ney and Grant.

“And you’ll say?” Ney asks.

“Only if my girlfriend Ney can come along.”

“Right. But no threesome. I’m not into him that way.”

Oh, three way. Because a threesome is different to me. Three way is a traid. A threesome is just a night.

“You just watched that gorgeous man for four hours. And you’re not into him?”

This is all that matters to Grant. It doesn’t make any sense to him.

Okay I’m not going to read any more.

Okay so it takes me about 40 minutes to type as much of a part as I want.

Singing along to Why don’t we just dance.

Oh, man I have a superman story to write. I forget about everything. I need to put that in my phone right now. Superman is going to take a while. Who even has the animated series? That’s what I’ll use for Superman. That would be really nice to do for a Superman Batman story. (That is one of my top ships.) That will be really fun. I’m glad I saw that.

Still badly singing to why don’t we just dance.

I ate apples. What? Why did I eat apples?

Gag face.

Singing along to Deep South.

Singing to my official karaoke song - Your Man

And that’s how we’re going to end this episode with a little bit of Your Man.

(Within video. Okay so my queer tags take up everything on my IG post. Rambles about queer tags.)

That is my ultimate karaoke song. That’s the first one I do every time when I do rotations. Like when I start doing karaoke again. I have about 23 songs on my list. But that’s number one.

Alright ya’ll have an amazing day.

I can’t believe I finished another segment of my life. That is so weird to say but like it’s only 2 days that I combined but yeah. Keep writing!